Chapter 44: Ch. 44 – Aftermath

It took several days for me to recover from the side effects of my transformation, but the emotional damage showed little sign of recovery. Although I returned to Polis with Raven and Lexa, I had not seen either since I regained enough strength to move around on my own. I barricaded the doors with some furniture which was a foolish thing to do when one of them could simply teleport herself into my room, but Lexa respected my desire for time alone. Raven tried a few times to get in and even shouted at me through the door, but two days of not answering her was slowing the number of attempts.

There was a heavy knock on my door followed by Dagyn's voice, saying, "Your dinner is here, Octavia."

I sighed and shouted back, "Just leave it at the door as usual. I will get it later."

I was sprawled out on the couch with my music playing in the background and a dozen empty liquor bottles around me. Despite the amount of alcohol that I had consumed, I had yet to actually get drunk. It still burned the same way that it did before, but something about me had changed when I transformed. I did not understand it, but the effects were unmistakable, no matter how much I refused to believe it.

At this point, I just kept a chair under the handles since people had stopped trying to force themselves in, so I dragged it off to the side and opened my door. While there was a plate of food on my doorstep, my eyes were drawn immediately to the caramel skinned beauty sitting by it. The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks as she looked up at me with a pained look.

"Raven..." I sighed.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me," she said stubbornly.

I bent over and picked up the plate of food then held the other door open in invitation. "Alright... I've been a moody jackass for long enough."

She looked a little surprised at how quickly I had agreed, but like I had said, I had some time to sort out most of my thoughts. I had been more than a little selfish for pushing her away when she needed me most, so I was thankful that she was still willing to try. I had failed her in numerous ways already, so I needed to stop before I truly drove her away.

After she walked in, I shut the door behind her and rebraced it with the chair to ensure that no one would disrupt our conversation. Raven did not like the state of my room, especially the empty liquor bottles. I dropped the plate of food off on top of a short cabinet with a few other half-eaten meals and joined her over at the seating area where she had picked up one of the bottles.

"If it helps, the reason why there are so many is because I've been trying to get drunk and pass out, but have been unsuccessful. After the twelfth bottle, even my delusion could not keep lying to me, so I gave up," I explained.

"What are you talking about?" Raven asked.

"Something changed inside me when I lost control of my powers. It's not as drastic as when... I think you... found me in the river, but my sensitivity to the elements that make up my powers has been heightened. I can even sense Light now which I was never able to before, despite healing people with it."

She looked at me with concern, but I couldn't bear to meet her gaze, so I turned my head away.

"You knew the names Rebecca and Katye, so that means she must have told you the truth about us," I remarked as I sat down in a chair.

"Pretty much everything, I believe, because I don't know what else would be worth hiding after what she told me. You lived in Old Earth times before the bombs fell before some powerful being brought you both here, granting you your powers and the memories of your original bodies throughout their entire lives after you landed on Earth," she revealed, sitting across from me on the couch.

Other than telling her that her life was nothing more than a television show to us, Katye had told Raven the truth about us. I rubbed my face as thoughts drifted through my mind, but there was something that I had to ask even though I knew it would hurt.

"If you knew... Why did you pick Bellamy? You knew he wasn't my real brother. I could have saved Finn instead," I asked.

Tears started to fall from her eyes as she looked down at her lap and replied, "I know... but it is what 'Octavia' would have done. You are always trying to shoulder all of these impossible choices, but I don't want you to do it alone... Just because I don't have powers like you and Lexa doesn't mean that I can't help you."

As she spoke, I stood up and walked over to her quietly. I sat down next to her and placed my hand over hers. "I'm so sorry... I've just been trying to protect you and the others so much that it blinded me to the pain that I was causing to those around me. I couldn't handle it when everything started crumbling around me yet again. I don't know how you don't hate me... He was only there because of me, just like Lincoln. I can save hundreds of nameless people, yet it's those around me who end up paying the price instead."

Raven looked up at me and cupped my cheek with her hand as she said, "Bad things happen to good people, Rebecca. You can't just focus on the pain, or it will destroy you."

I leaned my head against her forehead, closing my eyes, as I enjoyed the intimacy of the simple act. She pulled me closer and kissed me gently. I returned her kiss with a soft passion then broke it a moment later.

"I've missed you," I said quietly.

"I missed you too," she replied with a weak smile.

We settled down on the couch for a while, not really talking. Both of us just needing the comfort of each other, so she laid against my chest with my arms wrapped around her waist as we listened to the music. The loss of Finn never left either of our minds, but while we sat like this together, the pain was a little less. She spent the night with me, although we didn't do anything more than cuddle, since neither of us were in a good mood.

In the morning, we ate a light breakfast then I apologized to Dagyn for asking him to clean my room as we headed out of my room. Lexa was still wrapped up with problems that announcing Praimfaya had caused, so it was better to talk to her in the evening when things settled. She would be able to sense that I was moving out of the tower, so she could figure out that I was done moping in my room.

Instead, Raven and I were heading to see the only person who was more upset about Finn's death than us, Clarke. Aside from Raven and myself, the only member of Skaikru that was staying in the tower was Kane. There were nearly a hundred members of Skaikru living in Polis, but all of them were living in the Second Dawn Bunker, doing what they could to build up supplies before the doors had to be sealed.

Abby was here, of course. She made a point of being here for when Clarke returned, but she had never expected things to turn out the way they did. Still, it made it easy to find Clarke when her room turned out to be empty, because she was helping her mother organize the clinic's supplies. I stopped at the doorway when I saw Clarke, but Raven pulled me along by my hand.

The mother and daughter saw us, so it was too late to run away, even if Raven would let me. Abby said something to Clarke then walked off into a back room while Clarke approached us with a complicated expression. I wanted to apologize for not saving Finn, for pulling all of them into the mess with Azgeda, but nothing I came up with sounded right.

"There's nothing that I can say to take back what happened. My plans put all of you in an incredibly dangerous situation, and Finn paid the price for my mistake. If you never want to speak to me again, or even see me, that's fine and I will respect your decision, but I need to tell you at least once how sorry I am," I said eventually.

Clarke sighed heavily, "I don't hate you, Octavia. I know that you did everything that you could to save him. He died, but the war was adverted. Finn would have... Finn would have understood what you were trying to do if he knew, and he wouldn't hold it against you."

I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, but I did my best to hold them back. She stepped closer and gave me a hug, breaking my defenses. The tears started to fall from both of us as I pulled her in tightly, remembering how I had felt after losing Lincoln. It took a while, but we both calmed back down and talked for a bit before Abby came back out.

"Abby... it's good to see you again," I said with a weak smile.

"You too, Octavia," she replied.

"Don't worry. Now that I have you out of your room, you'll be seeing a lot of Abby as she runs a thousand tests on you before you can undergo the Nightblood procedure. I swear, she was trying to turn me into a pincushion with all of the blood that she drew," Raven said, trying to lighten the mood.

"That's right... Kane's letter said that your mission had been successful. So, you are a Natblida now?" I asked.

"Abby isn't a hundred percent confident that I am immune to radiation while Lexa is, but we all agreed to wait to do the final tests until you were back in case something did go wrong," she replied.

"Then we don't have to worry about Praimfaya then?" Clarke asked with hope, but all of us gave complicated expressions. "What is it?"

"The serum is made from Lexa's bone marrow. Even if Octavia keeps healing her, there are only so many doses that we can make, and Grounder culture puts a big emphasis on Nightblood. We can't create more than a few, or we risk more problems down the road," Raven explained.

"Of course," Clarke sighed.

"Miracle solutions don't exist, I'm afraid," I said with a sigh of my own. "Well then, can you do the tests here, or do we need to return to Becca's Island, Abby?"

"We'll need to for the final tests and procedure, but I can do the preliminary tests here when you are ready," Abby replied.

I nodded my head and said, "Then I'll come by tomorrow morning, so that we can get started, and before you tell me to take my time, it's either this, or I go out and spar with Trikru warriors. I don't like to sit still."

"Fine, but a psych test and a few other mental ones will be on your docket."

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"As you wish," I said with another nod of my head.

"You really did have the nerve to come here, and you are making more of your secret plans," a voice growled from behind us.

All of us turned our heads to see Bellamy standing in the doorway, looking furious. Raven's prediction that he would be angry when he learned that I had been lying to him was an underestimation, but things had not turned out exactly as we had hoped, so his anger was understandable.

"You know that she was fucking another woman while we were out there, right? She told you that part, right?" he accused as stormed in.

"Bellamy!" Clarke snapped.

"It's okay, Clarke," I said.

"You're defending her?!? Finn is dead because of her!" he yelled.

I clenched my jaw as his words cut me deeply.

"Did his life mean anything to you?!? Or was he just a pawn in your twisted game to take over the world?!? Who the hell are you?!?"

"Bellamy, that's enough! Octavia did all of this for us," Raven snapped.

"For us? Do you actually think she cares about you, or any of us? She and Lexa are just trying to paint themselves as the good guys while they control all of us and treat us like disposable pieces. You're not my sister, not anymore. Mom would be ashamed of what you have become," he spat before he turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

I watched him walk away as my body trembled. Everything that he said was the same things that I had been using to beat myself up with. If the words had come from Clarke, it would not have been so impactful because I had expected her to hate me, but from him. There was nothing that he would not do for Octavia in the show, even after she became Blodreina, but he had done the unthinkable and disowned me.

"Octavia..." Raven said gently, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I looked down at my arms, expecting to see flames since I had been triggered by less, but there was nothing in sight. "I guess whatever happened did more than just take away my ability to get drunk," I mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" Abby asked.

"Strong emotions make my powers hard to control, and typically, anger and pain will cover me in flames. After... the other night, something caused my powers to grow unlike anything I have ever felt before, though most of my memories are blurred. I know that I was even stronger in that state, but the effects seem to have carried on afterwards. My 'control' over the elements seems to have been refined aside from a few other things," I explained honestly since I was very tired of hiding things.

Abby frowned at my words, but there was not a lot that science could explain about my powers.

"Well... I'll see you in the morning. There are still a few other people that I need to check in on and there are some things that I need to discuss with Raven, so if you'll excuse us," I sighed.

"Of course," Abby replied with a nod.

"We'll see you later, Clarke," I added with a weak smile to her.

"Hey... give Bellamy some time. He's upset now, but he'll come around," she said.

"I hope you're right," I replied before I walked out of the clinic with Raven behind me.

There were several things running through my mind, but nothing was louder than Bellamy's words that were bouncing around. I had never thought that Bellamy would react so negatively to my decision, and while I did my best to not fault him for it, it still hurt on a deep level. This Bellamy and the Bellamy that had accepted Blodreina were two different men, who had gone through many different situations which had helped matured him. He never helped kill the people in Mount Weather, he never joined Pike's band and thus didn't have to deal with the fallout that it had caused, nor fight Alie or Azgeda. I had protected him from all of those terrible situations, but I had also robbed him of the experiences to learn and grow from them.

"Did Lexa tell you about Echo?" I asked as Raven and I left the temple.

"A bit... She was her double agent in Azgeda who was supposed to help get Nia to trust you," Raven replied.

I nodded my head and led us over to a spot out of sight from the main hustle and bustle of the city before I explained, "I noticed that your letters were a little off for the first month or so which made me get worried about you. I... I had a nightmare where you died in my arms, and I woke literally burning my cot to ashes, then your last letter came the following morning. I nearly ruined everything that I had built up because I insisted on sending Kane a special letter to find out if you were okay. Echo's solution was for us to pretend to be lovers... While I never crossed specific lines with her, we did kiss on multiple occasions and slept together for the last month that we were in Azgeda, though not in a sexual way. There were times that... well, she committed to the lie more than I was willing to, so I would meditate and keep my headphones in to drown out the sound, but Bellamy's words did have some truth to them clearly."

Raven sighed and closed the distance between. She placed a hand on my chest then slid it up to cup my cheek and said with a smirk, "Well, I've been sleeping in Katye's bed since we got back to Polis, so I can't be too mad."

I chuckled and leaned in, kissing her passionately. I had missed the strength and comfort that she provided for me more than I had realized, but I felt it all now. Pulling her in close, I deepened our kiss until I left both of us breathless and wanting more.

"I love you," I chuckled, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear.

"Well, I hate you right now," Raven retorted with a heavy blush on her cheeks as she glanced around the mostly empty street.

I smiled back at her and moved to kiss her as again as I whispered, "I'll make it up to you tonight."

She stopped me by placing a finger against my lips and pushed me back against the wall of the building behind me, saying confidently, "You will... but there are other people that you wanted to see, right?"

I gave an exaggerated sigh but kept a smile on my face as I replied, "Fine, use my words against me."

"You make it pretty easy," she chuckled, moving a little away from me.

I stuck my tongue out at her while I stood up straight then offered her my arm. She looked at me with a bit of skepticism, so I grabbed her arm and wrapped it around my own. "An Old-World custom," I explained with a smile. "A gentleman would escort his lady around town in such a manner. I may not be a man, but the sentiment is still nice."

"Strange that it didn't survive," she teased as we walked.

"Chivalry was a dying concept in my old life, so it's really not. Back in those days, we just called it southern charm. It was a beautiful way to hide sarcasm with pretty words like 'bless your heart' which usually meant 'you stupid idiot'," I chuckled.

"So, where are you taking me now?"

"Trikru compound. Indra should still be here and I'm her Second, even if it's more of an honorary thing now, so I should pay my respects to her... then I should introduce you to Echo, but she'll probably be with Lexa if we go during the evening. Maybe we can do dinner together since it won't be long before those two are the only faces that we'll see regularly for six years."

"I'm sure that will be delightful," Raven retorted with thick sarcasm.

 

 

A/N: Next chapter is NSFW! Enjoy.

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