Chapter 166: Day 165

Day 165,

I had resolved to go visit Siren Overlook after class today, rain or no rain.  Or so I initially believed.  Once the time came to leave I must have stood there for what must have been a solid ten minutes with my hand on the doorknob while my mind was stuck in looping “what if” scenarios warning me against wandering from the Village alone.

I was another twenty minutes sitting perfectly still on a chair silently mentally berating myself for my cowardice and weak will before I finally got up and retrieved this journal to write and calm myself.

I should just eat dinner, read a bit, and call it an early night, but I feel sick in my stomach and food sounds unappetizing.

What is wrong with me?

I thought I was better.  than this.

I should talk to someone about it.  I know I should.  But any time an… episode isn’t currently happening I either forget about it altogether or it feels like a small, silly, irrational thing that I would at best be wasting their time with and at worst causing them stress they don’t need.

The worst part is, I realize that’s the irrational stance and that the people that care about me would genuinely want to know and want to try to help (and the idea of them being hurt I didn’t speak up sooner is a whole other feedback loop) but in those moments where I have an opportunity to say something it’s not that I feel too embarrassed to speak up but that I feel like a passenger in my own head screaming at myself to speak while the outer me continues on automatic.

This is getting to be too much angst for one entry.  I need to eat something.  Even if I have to force it down.

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