Chapter 193: Day 192

Day 192,

I got more than a little choked up last night reading the entries Lin and the others made.  I wound up walking out and hugging Maiko before I had the chance to think better of it.  It wound up being awkward for the both of us, but I don’t regret it.  When she asked what I was doing I said that Lin had written nice things about her and they got me feeling sentimental and grateful.

She asked what exactly Lin wrote about her, but I was evasive in my answer, assuring that it was all good things but that if she wanted specifics she’d need to ask Lin herself.  It didn’t seem quite right to share the private thoughts someone else wrote in a journal, even if they did commit them to my journal with the intent for me to read.  Words shared in confidence not meant to be put on display.  And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take some joy in the prospect of teasing those two whilst prodding them to talk and spend time with one another.

The awkward hugging scene repeated in the morning when I awoke to a knocking at the door and staggered unkempt out of my room to find Maiko letting Cass in.  I choose to blame my greeting her with an over-emotional hug on still being groggy with sleep impairing my judgement.

As I was bent down embracing her, I whispered under her protestations that I accepted her apology so long as she promised not to beat herself up over it in the future.  She said we had a deal so long as I let go of her.

I complied, standing up and straightening my clothes and hair.  Or at least making an attempt at it.  As I did so, I apologized for my behavior.  As she could see, I’ve been a bit of a mess lately.

Over breakfast, still disheveled and wearing my bedclothes, I explained to Cass most all of what I’d told Pat the other day, except not needing to dance around Maiko’s involvement.  I did however gloss over the details of my experience with the gathering of sprites, particularly the fact that I’d been afraid I might die during it.  The recounting was also peppered with apologies for not telling her things and emphasizing that it wasn’t because of her age that I’d not shared things (not entirely true, but not entirely false either and I know she’s sensitive about that).  The sprite stuff I had only told anyone once I hit a breaking point where I simply couldn’t bear to deal with it alone anymore.  As for the Catacombs flashes, those were new and today was the first chance I’d had to talk to her lately without a crowd.

Cass clammed up during all this in a way I’m not sure I’ve seen her do before.  Was it simply a lot to process?  Was she reconsidering her apprenticeship and the idea of “adventures?”  Did she pity me?  Or perhaps she was sympathetic but unsure what to say.

Sensing uneasiness one way or another I attempted to steer the conversation to lighter topics.  Visiting the cathedral ruins in the rain, coordinating Lin and Vernon for that, Lin wanting to do something fun now that I’d recovered, procuring a boat to use for visiting Iole, etc.

We carried on thus for most of the afternoon until Cass noticed the lengthening of shadows and recalled that she needed to be home for dinner.  An offer was extended for me to attend, but I found myself declining.  I just wasn’t feeling up to the walk right now.  Nor the thought of being around so many people at once, but I didn’t say that part.

I almost offered to walk her home by reflex but stopped myself, realizing that I’d just (truthfully) said I wasn’t up to such a walk at the moment.  Instead Maiko and I saw her down the path and out to the road, watching until she got out of sight.

Not much to be said for the rest of the evening.  Maiko and I had both had our fill of talking for the day, and we still had leftovers from what the parents had given me as a final payment for this season’s schooling.

I’d actually meant to go back into the Village today, but if I’m being truthful, I was glad for the excuse not to make that trip.

 

Had another episode just now as I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep.  All the more disorienting for it.  Thought I’d drifted into full Catacombs nightmare.  

Thankfully not.

Just need to steady myself if I’m to sleep at all now tonight.

 

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