Chapter 212: Day 211

Day 211,

I’m going to have the talk with Cass today.

 

I had the talk with Cass today about my concerns regarding her continued apprenticeship.  She… didn’t take it well.  Worse than I feared, if anything.  I raised my voice with her for the first time.  I tried to be calm, reasonable, levelheaded, all those things I know I should be, but between her protests that she’s mature enough to handle it and pleading for me to reconsider and and can handle it and railing at my unfairness I just couldn’t think of any other way to get her to be quiet for long enough for me to even finish a sentence, let alone explain myself.  And I won’t lie, there was frustration there too.  Anger even.  I think the revelation that I even could shout like that stunned her into silence in and of itself.  In truth, I was nearly as surprised as she was.

I hate myself for it.

Self loathing or no, it did give me the chance to finish explaining.  That I wasn’t saying that she was incapable.  That I was afraid.  That the point wasn’t whether or not she could “take it” but that she shouldn’t have to in the first place.  That I wasn’t ending her apprenticeship.  That I’d considered it, but didn’t know what to do yet and wanted her input before I made a choice.  And I explained my fears to her as I’d explained them to Pat.

Once I finished, she said she got it, but I’m not sure she really did.  And it was obvious that feelings had been hurt.

In the end, a bargain was struck.  Terms negotiated and promises made.

• For now, provisionally, her apprenticeship would continue.
• The next time I had another breakdown in front of her or otherwise exposed her to something that either of us thought she shouldn’t be, or that either of us thought her parents would take issue with, the apprenticeship would end there.
• If anything ever happens, or looks like it might happen, or is even being discussed that makes Cass uncomfortable, she’ll speak up and it won’t be held against her in any way.  It won’t necessarily mean ending the apprenticeship, and it’s important that she understands that so she’ll be willing to speak up, but we’ll treat it as a warning sign/red flag and adjust accordingly.
• For now, we don’t tell her parents about these concerns and this arrangement.  I’m really not happy about this one, but agreeing to it was the only way I could get her to buy in to even having  the rest of the conversation, much less agree to anything else.
• In the event that the apprenticeship ends, I’ll make it clear to everyone that she did an excellent job as an apprentice and that the problem lay in me suffering from personal problems that rendered me unfit to be a mentor to anyone.

Neither of us are happy about it, but such is the spirit of compromise I suppose.  I can only hope that her trust in me that was damaged by this can mend eventually.

I also found out during all this that she already had a backup offer in place.  At some point when I wasn’t around Lin had made her an offer of apprenticeship if Cass ever changed her mind about archive work.

Speaking of Lin, she showed up at the library less than an hour after Cass and I finished our talk, asking to speak to me in private.  It was about what I’d said before leaving the house the other day, of course.  I submitted to a well-deserved reprimand for my behavior there, and apologized for it the best I could.  Said apology included the owed explanation.  Said explanation included explaining that I’d just (mostly) worked things out with Cass before she’d arrived.

There’s probably more to get into there, but I’m still feeling a mixture of shame and embarrassment about the whole thing so I really don’t feel like getting detailed about it.

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That said, I did manage to change the topic afterward and ask Lin how her last couple days went.  She said it was nice - just what she’d needed even - and thanked me for the invitation to use the house even if the way I delivered it was self-serving.  I’d swear she blushed when I asked for more detail, but that’s probably just me projecting again.  She was vague with the details she gave, but it was more in a teasing “wouldn’t you like to know?” sort of way rather than embarrassed.  I said that was probably fair payback for my “self-serving invitation delivery,” and we both chuckled at that.  Quiet and short, but a mutual acknowledgement that the tension had eased.

And with that Lin excused herself, saying she didn’t want to keep us from our work any longer and that she needed to be getting back to her parents’ house.  I caught her grumbling a “whether I want to or not” (or something similar) under her breath.  I didn’t pry into that, although it seems like she’s been expressing that sort of sentiment more often as of late.  One day I’ll ask about it, but for now I brought up a different question I’d forgotten to earlier and asked when she’d made that apprenticeship offer to Cass.

Lin’s turn to look mildly embarrassed before answering.

She told me she first brought it up on the floating island trip during one of the parts where she and Cass were alone together.  She’d been half joking when she said it, but apparently Cass had taken it seriously and did seem to have some interest in medicine.  The topic had come back up a few times, usually with Cass being the one to mention it, the most recent of which being when I was at my worst with the Children’s Fever.

I made a poor joke about setting up backup plans for if I had kicked it.

Not joking at all, Lin shook her head and said that Cass had asked to help after seeing me the day she stopped by, managed to provide some measure of assistance under Lin’s guidance, and the conversation flowed naturally from there.

And with that, Lin actually did make her exit.  After stopping briefly to say hello/goodbye to Cass first of course.

Once Lin left, Cass asked what we’d talked about.  I told her, fully and honestly.  No evasions or teasings, serious or playful.

The ride back to the house home with James and family was admittedly a bit awkward in light of earlier conversations and promises that day.

I arrived back home to find a few of the fruits from the lizard island and a note from Maiko saying they were for me and she’d be back later.  No sign of the bracelet so I assume she’s wearing it, but I trust her well enough to take care of herself that I didn't try to check where she’d gone.

 

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