Chapter 164: Chapter 164: Coping Pity

The two sat on the fountain. Rufus, who was spouting poems to the noble girls was parched. He was drinking his canteen, his eyes closed as he savors the water inside the canteen.
 
“Ah, comrade, your canteen’s water is nice. Sorry, it’s all gone,” he handed the canteen.
 
Einar took it, “So what are you doing here?”
 
“Entertaining the ladies.”
 
“Other than that, scholar. Your face looks like it got shit on.”
 
Rufus touched his face, “Did the pigeons have me?”
 
“Not literally,” Einar sighed. “So what are your plans at the Festival? Playing around, doing something shady or invite Claudia?”
 
“And why would you mention our Princess?”
 
“Because everyone can tell, moron. Rufus, the Scholar, the upcoming brilliant adviser, working for the Paranoid Princess, her first ally, and the person who’s second only to Vera. Any non-halfwit could tell that you desire the Princess. I mean, you go through all the trouble, right?”
 
Rufus looked with widened eyes, “Is that really obvious?”
 

“Obvious to everyone except the one target of affection. I would understand if you are doing it for the sake of gaining more power.”
 
“I am doing that as well. Still, I do admit that I have a wanting to be with her,” Rufus said. “I first met her when we were eight, and even at that age, she was already paranoid. It took me a while to befriend her truly, and only because Vera was around to calm her down. I’ve been trying to gather allies but alas she doesn’t easily trust. This tower is a magnificent beacon of protection but for Claudia, it is the symbol of misery.”
 
Rufus turned his eyes to the tower, “The Tower of Nimrod has been a symbol of neutrality, unity, and that of hope for the rest of the world. Back then they thought of this tower as a shelter for humankind and all of the races. Do you know how much of a weight that duty holds for Claudia? Her brothers and sisters, scheming, hoping that they could take the glorious throne.”
 
Einar listened with folded arms.
 
Rufus continued, “She’s been trying to gather allies but none would dare to support an open heretic like her. She has trust and love for the military and yet none of them supports her.”
 
“Is that why you are gathering mercenaries?” Einar asked.
 
Rufus smiled thinly, “Yes, mercenaries can be bought with money. They are not loyal, but I have my ways of making them stick to their contract. Claudia doesn’t paint the picture of a ruler that the people would like. She has many flaws and these flaws are propagated by her enemies.”
 

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A carriage passed by Rufus and Einar.
 
“How am I supposed to work with that?” Rufus said. “She tries her best and never compromises, yet that is causing her downfall. She will not win this race for the throne if she continues this no compromise of her. You know, I actually want her to lose the race. That way she’d be free of all these paranoia plaguing her mind.”
 
Rufus smiled, his eyes cloudy, “But seeing her work so hard makes me want to strive. I can’t help but feel pitiful about the way I am. Einar, you are calm, and I admire you for that. Tell me, why are you like this?”
 
“You know,” Einar placed both hands on top of his knees. “I am a bundle of self-pity you know?”
 
“That can’t be,” Rufus said.
 
“No, that’s what I am,” Einar said. “I may look like this but I am a self-pitying fool.”
 
“I can’t believe it.”
 
“You should. That’s what I am inside.”
 
“It doesn’t show.”
 
“I try not to. But humans are tougher than you look, no matter how battered, injured or downhearted we are, we still face the next day while clinging to our hopes and dreams. Look at you, supporting Claudia despite wanting her to lose the race. You do this because you want her to reach that throne. You feel bad, but in the end, you do what you can, no matter how bleak it is. It’s okay to pity yourself, not like that it matters since you’d still be moving forward. That’s how things are for everyone. They keep telling themselves that they are horrible, they are not good enough and such that. Doesn’t matter, since they’d still be moving.”
 
Einar as Nolan Salvatore was a bundle of self—pity and self-destruction? How can he not be when he failed multiple time and never truly understood the person he was chasing? He hated himself, loathed himself, and felt like he was not good enough. He put himself down and pitied his damn self, but despite all of that self-pity and depressing thoughts; he kept moving forward.
 
“You have come this far, why turn back?” Einar said the words close to his heart. “So don’t be ashamed of having self-pity, it isn’t your fault that you aren’t a perfect human being.”
 
“Is that so?” Rufus said while looking at the street with a hazy gaze. “I can’t agree wholeheartedly but I’ll think about it. I should go now.”
 
Rufus left without looking back, his eyes looking far away. Einar stayed on the fountain, he watched Rufus disappear from his view and looked up. His eyes gazing a thousand yards away.
 
He has lived multiple timelines with regret and self-pity. He could not help but feel miserable and pity himself. But just because he pities himself, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t move. Thousands of times of failure had dampened his belief in himself. He might pity himself perpetually but he never thought of turning back. There was no need to weep over the parts of his life that were done. He likes to think that but in the end, the battered soul of his was looking for comfort.
 
He wanted to stop using self-pity as a coping mechanism. But how could he do so when there was only him that would understand the pain? No one would understand him and he was not looking for pity, simply because he was doing it on his own.
 
“But, that should change, I should,” Einar thought. “There’s no need for Nolan Salvatore here, just Einar.”

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