Chapter 37: 36. Heavy Thoughts

The return of the defeated was taken better by the village than Jake had originally expected. He lingered behind those limping back through the main street, but not so far away that he couldn’t experience the aftermath. He watched as those with idle hands emerged from the shops and a few peddlers stepped away from their goods to assist where they could. Those lucky enough to get out with only minor injuries were already being served fresh food and alcohol to ease the other kind of pain. It was a warming sight after such a massive failure. With heads hung low, the participants in the operation were crushed both physically and mentally. Having the support of their village would hopefully be the first form of healing to get them back on their feet.

The hardest hit were those who couldn’t find their missing. Wives and Husbands scanned the passing crowd, desperate to find their other halves. A few brave souls stepped to the worried and informed them of the outcome for their loved ones. The even braver tried to console the heartbroken, while those who were struggling enough already could hardly hold in their tears. A few families were shattered, with children missing a parent or now left alone entirely. The younger ones seemed unaware and confused as to why their father or mother were crying and wailing. While the older ones only added to the suffering as their emotions spiraled downwards as well.

Jake walked through the desperate street for only a short time before he finally turned off it, stepping into the alleyways and heading to the outskirts. He made his way to the edge of the lake he found comfort in and stared down towards the depths of the clear water. The black veil coating the abyss below stared back at him. He was far enough away that he could sit in peace with his thoughts. There had been more on the line than just victory or loss. Jake had failed to see that until now.

These people weren’t fighting just to kill Maedra and earn money. They were fighting for the people they left behind- for those that either couldn’t fight or chose not to. Jake understood the concept of fighting to protect the village, that was something obvious. However, the scale and the weight of what that meant had never truly come to his mind. Family, friends, home, the future. Children, both born and unborn. Things Jake had never considered before were now at the forefront of his mind and the desperation for some of those fighters now made sense to him. Jake thought those who deserted their posts had done so out of pure cowardice. However, maybe some of them couldn’t deal with the idea of leaving their family behind.

How many orphans were made today? How many families would be shattered and broken? How many of the injured would never recover from the loss? And not just today, but how long had this village been suffering like this? How many people had gone into the tunnels, only to leave behind everyone waiting for them? For how many years had this cycle gone on, with no end in sight?

The world wasn’t kind to those left behind. Jake now understood just how important these fights were to the people of the village. And it wasn’t just here in Ewana. All over the world, Jake had a feeling the same desperate struggles were happening. Adventurers like his Father would go out to make money off their perils, only to face their match and be killed in some unknown, far-off place. Never to return. And what of those who went to war and died in a more large-scale conflict?

Jake let out a sigh and began to shed his clothes, stripping down to nothing beside the water. He used water magic to douse himself in the liquid to clean off the filth stuck to his skin. He then used magic to also clean his clothes and at least rinse them a few times. No soap limited what he could consider “clean”. While it wasn’t perfect, it would do for now. He used fire and wind magic to create a hot wind tunnel and dried himself off, then his clothes. He used the wind to blow the dirt off his pack and to air out the inside of his boots. He wouldn’t rinse them as the water might degrade the material.

Once dressed again, he felt his stomach tense up and rumble. Rather than wallow in his thoughts on an empty stomach, he gathered his gear and returned to the town to try and find somewhere to eat. To his relief, the main road was clear of the procession of loss but the atmosphere was still heavy. A lot of the main eateries were silent and dreary compared to their usual hustle and bustle. Eating in such a place now would only make him feel worse. So, he ducked into the back alleys and looked for somewhere less obvious.

Eventually, he found himself stopping at a small, tucked-away diner. To say it was cramped was just barely touching its lack of size. The door into the space was jammed between two buildings. The diner inside was only large enough for the kitchen area, the small counter that an older woman stood behind, and three stools opposite her for customers to sit. A young girl sat on one of the stools, a small black piece of graphite scratching at the paper in front of her as two pieces of fresh bread cooled next to her glass of white milk. Technically, there were only two stools available.

“Hello there,” the older woman greeted Jake with a smile. She planted her hands firmly on the wooden counter and fixed her posture to look more inviting. “You’re a new face,” she said. The young girl peeked up from her paper to look at Jake as he stepped up to the counter.

“I thought I’d try something different,” he smiled and slid onto one of the wooden stools, leaving the center stool empty. He looked at the young lass to his left but the girl shyly returned to her drawing. He stifled a laugh and then turned to the older woman.

“Well, you’ve certainly found it. Welcome to the Tucked Rat. I am Deris, your lovely young waitress,” Deris flashed Jake a sultry smile as she plucked a single menu from just beneath the counter. Jake felt the weight on his shoulders become just a little lighter as she winked at him. It seemed he’d found somewhere fun to relax.

“Thank you, Deris. I’m Jake,” the boy accepted the menu and looked down to read it over. There were only four items on it- a sweat cream stew, a meat platter with a small salad, a homebrew dish named ‘Deris’s Special’, and a meat and bread soup. While the cream stew sounded edible, Jake couldn’t resist the idea of her special meal.

“I’ll try the special, please,” Jake said warmly as he set the menu down. Deris returned the smile and plucked the paper from the counter.

“Coming right up,” Deris returned the menu to its hiding place, and then she stepped behind a small curtain to cook. “What brings you into my fine establishment, Mr. Jake?” She asked as Jake listened to her begin to chop and cut her ingredients.

“As I said, I wanted to try something different,” he sighed and looked over to the girl on his left. “The hustle and bustle of the village were a bit too much for me tonight.”

“Aren’t you a little young to be tired of that stuff?” Deris asked, stepping left and right as she fished for the tools of her trade. Jake shrugged at first but then verbalized the emotion he felt. She obviously couldn’t see his gestures.

“Even I know when too much is too much. My dad used to tell me that his favorite places were the ones off the beaten path. I can see why,” Jake turned his eyes to the rest of the room. There wasn’t much to look at besides wood, a few small paintings, and a crystal that shimmered in the dim light. As he looked around, he keyed in on a small painting on the far side of the counter. It contained a young woman, a young man, and two lovely children standing at their feet. Deris was a very pretty woman when she was younger, not to say she wasn’t now. Time had been kind to her.

“You sound like my husband,” Deris cackled and stepped out from behind the curtain, her hands twirling beneath a cloth as she wiped them off. “He was the same way. Noisy and rambunctious in public, but I always found him in the small dive bars rather than in the more popular places.”

“Is that why this place is so tucked away?” Jake asked, gesturing to the small door and the narrow dining area. Deris raised her eyebrow.

“Are you calling my cute diner a dive bar?” Her voice came out sharp, fierce. Jake’s eyes widened and he felt his tongue turn to lead in his mouth. He sat there, frozen in his brain-dead state, unable to put together a way to save himself.

“Now there’s a nice face.” The stern look melted away, replaced by a laugh as Deris eased the tension she had purposely created. Jake grumbled a bit, having fallen for her teasing.

“No. He wanted someplace larger but this was all we could afford at the time. He went off to try and make more money but he never returned from the tunnels. I purchased the property with the funds I received as an apology from the Council and haven’t quite got over things just yet.” As she spoke, Deris pulled a small glass from a separate counter, added a bit of ice, and then filled it with what looked to be juice. She handed it to Jake with her usual smile. He took a sip. It was sweet and delicious. It tasted like home.

“Stubborn, huh?” He asked. But, Deris turned her eye to the young girl sitting beside him.

“I guess you could say that,” she said softly. The girl looked up and Deris leaned over to give her hair a ruffle. “Where’s your brother, Ana?” Deris asked. The young girl frowned and shrugged, glancing over at Jake before once more shyly curling back over her paper. “Skittish little thing but she’s nice.”

“I was the same way. I always hid behind my Auntie when strangers came around,” Jake reminisced just a bit as he looked at the little girl. He stole a peek at her drawing. There wasn’t much of note on the paper. A few circles, squares, and little figures without much detail to them. Certainly not something that may win an award but it would earn a warm smile from the recipient.

“Oh really? Maybe that’s why you decided to sit down, hm?” Deris teased as she let out another aged laugh. Jake realized what she meant after a few seconds. He thought it fair. Deris certainly gave off a very inviting air and she was kind enough so far. If Jake had to guess, she might have been around the age of his Auntie so he felt comfortable talking to her.

Jake looked down at his hands rather than up at Deris and folded them neatly in front of him. He frowned and lowered his head a bit, his shoulders lifting towards his ears as he felt a bit lonely all of a sudden. He wondered how his Auntie was doing. If she was worried for him. He wondered how Elana was and even how his friends were. Was it the wet season yet? He didn’t think so. Though, he couldn’t be sure. Time without the sun moved differently and there was no way to know how long he had spent beneath the surface. Even during his visits to the Library, there was no way to tell. After spending so much time in the village he simply had to trust he was still on the same cycle as the surface. Or at least close to it.

“Don’t worry, young one. I bet my delicious cooking will help you feel better,” Deris said with a smile. She turned back to the kitchen and Jake listened as she continued to prepare his food. He waited patiently in his silence, listening to Deris work her own kind of magic. After a short time, Deris began to hum quietly to herself. Jake closed his eyes and savored the sound, remembering how his Auntie had done the same.

In time, Deris popped back out of the kitchen with two plates in her hand. A few slices of meat with a creamy white sauce were neatly sliced on one tray, with a few strands of pasta balled and lightly garnished beside the meat. They too were doused in the white sauce. On the other plate, a roll of bread was slathered in what looked to be something clear, sticky, and sweet-looking. She placed both dishes in front of him and then refilled his glass of juice.

“Here you are. Enjoy,” she whispered as she placed down some utensils for him to use. Jake mumbled his gratitude as he cut into the meat and pulled a small piece of it into his mouth.

The flavor that hit his tongue was far different than anything else he had tasted since coming to the village. The meat was juicy and warm, and his teeth smoothly tore through the chunk without much resistance. The cream sauce coating the meat had also soaked through it. With each bite of his teeth, the meat gushed with flavor. The mix of juice and the sweet sauce was overwhelmingly good. The pasta carried another wave of satisfaction. Stiff to the nip, the noodles were firm enough to carry their flavor but soft enough to easily break as his teeth gnawed through the thin ropes. The white sauce drained from the noodles, leaking onto his tongue and into his throat as he worked to dismantle the yummy strands.

By the time he finished the first plate, he was unsure if he could even touch the glazed roll. But if the main course had been so delicious, he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to eat more of the good food. He swapped plates and decided to cut the roll into multiple pieces. The first warning of the incoming sweetness was when his knife smoothly tore through the layers of the roll. It was fluffy and its insides an airy mess of perfectly baked flour. The glaze had hardened just a bit since the roll had been sitting out, and some of it stuck to his knife as it sliced through the fabric of the bread.

“Judging from your expression, I’d say I did pretty good,” Deris said with another smile as Jake poked at the fluffy dessert. Much like the meal, the final treat was the sweetest, most succulent tasting bread he had ever put to his tongue. It made him weak.

“You did. This was delicious, Deris.” Jake didn’t answer until he finished his dessert, but he did leave a small piece of the bread behind. There was someone else who seemed fond of the bread, and he wasn’t against sharing. Jake smiled and nudged the plate across to the young girl. However, he did so without giving her too much attention. If she was shy, he doubted she would like for him to watch her eat.

“How much do I owe you?” Jake asked, only to remember he didn’t have any money. He felt his jaw tense up and his eyes widened a bit. Deris looked at him oddly, her eyebrows raising as she returned his odd expression.

“Something the matter?” She asked, only to hold up a finger. “Don’t tell me…” He swallowed and placed his hands neatly in front of him on the counter as he waited for her to beat him over the head. Deris let out a sigh and shook her head.

“You can pay me later. How about that?” She rolled her eyes as she spoke, and Jake lowered his head.

“Y-Yes ma’am,” he muttered. Deris stared at the top of his head for a few seconds, then she collected the dishes from him.

“Do you work for the council? Or are you an Adventurer that wandered down the wrong hole?” She asked, carrying the plates and his cup into the back portion of the diner.

“Little bit of both, I guess,” Jake said. “I came from the surface with a friend but we got…” he paused, his jaw tensing as his memory rolled by. “...separated. I wound up here and I’ve been working as a Scout since.”

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“I thought as much. Not many people walk around with a knife stuck to their hip,” Deris said, her voice raising over the sound of water and the clicking of the wooden utensils. Jake stared at the lower half of her body, as the top half was covered by curtains.

“Sorry for that. I’m not sure of the rules and stuff. I normally eat in the cafeteria with my friends…” Jake’s voice lowered as he trailed off, once more being reminded of other people he didn’t want to get hung up on. Deris picked up on the pitch change and the water turned off. She popped out of the back area, drying her hands.

“Seems you came here for more of a reason than to get away from the hustle and bustle,” Deris mused. She folded the towel and set it down on her side of the counter. “What’s wrong, boy?”

Her question was genuine. Jake could see in her eyes that she was practically in ‘Mom’-mode if there was such a thing. The way she stood, her head slightly tilted, her eyes peering into his own, and her lips patiently closed as she waited for him to speak. While his Auntie was generally always seated when she asked that question, the look was the same.

Jake lowered his head and his hands squeezed together, his fingers lacing and locking firmly against one another. He felt unsure of not what to say but how to say it all. He felt pathetic, weak. He knew he was stubborn and he knew he wasn’t entirely right with what he had said to Yae but what else could he do? Let the Maedra roam free in the tunnels when he was fully capable of at least stalemating them?

Calling himself a hero and saying he would play that role was foolish. Heroes didn’t exist. They were just people with made-up stories to cover up and stretch the truth behind their exploits. Jake was just a kid with some extra strength to his magic. He had barely any battle experience to speak of and his skills were lacking in several areas. Sure, he could overpower the Maedra, but how long would that last? They were learning and growing. Now with the Black Knight in play, there was no telling what would happen in the next fight.

“I think I’ve let my head get ahead of my hands,” Jake muttered. He peeled his hands apart and stared down at the calloused skin. His hands had certainly seen better days. They were dry, cracked. The palms were scuffed with hills of dead skin at the bases of his fingers. All from the swinging of his sword at Mur’s hall.

“And?” Deris prodded, trying to poke out more information. Jake curled his fingers into light fists before setting them down on the counter.

“I think I hurt someone dear to me,” he rumbled again. Deris let out a soft hum but she didn’t speak, coaxing out more. “I said some things I’m not even sure of myself because I thought it would make her feel more comfortable and more trusting. I wanted her to smile and say that she believed in me. But that didn’t happen,” he sighed and lowered his head even lower. His shoulders, which had tensed up on him, now drooped and slumped as he stared straight towards the floor.

“Sounds to me like someone cares about you quite a bit, and you aren’t paying much attention to that,” Deris spat without holding back. Jake clenched his teeth and lifted his head to look at her. She stared at him, her expression unchanging from what it was before. “Have you ever asked her how she’s felt about you running off into the tunnels? About how it makes her feel to see you leave?”

“No…” he muttered, but he didn’t find it fair. “But what choice do I have? If I don’t go-”

Deris held up a finger. A stern one that made him immediately shut his yapping mouth.

“There is always a choice, boy. Always,” she said, her tone heavy and full of pain. She lowered her finger, her hand planting on the counter as she leaned towards him. Not enough to crowd his space but just enough for him to stay quiet. “You’re young, brave, confident. You feel invincible. Like whatever you do, things will always come out okay because you believe it so, but that is not the case, boy.” Deris’s eye closed slightly as she stared him down. Her voice wavered for only a second. She was holding back emotion. Jake felt uneasy.

“You said it yourself- you let your head get ahead of your hands.” Deris straightened her back and folded her arms across her chest. “You have a lot of life to live, and you have plenty of time to learn and make mistakes. Don’t let one of those mistakes get you killed. There are plenty of people who would be very, very upset if you disappeared, and it sounds like one of them is trying to help you see that.”

Jake frowned and his hands melded together again, his fingers squeezing as he bit the inside of his cheek. He felt spoiled. Everything so far had come fairly easy but the Maedra were proving to be a difficult hurdle, one that was making him question just how capable of a Mage he truly was. His skills were poor enough that his friends were in danger. He had barely been able to seal off the tunnel and keep the danger out. What if Jake had been just a little weaker? What if he hadn’t gained the new mana from Chul’s Mana Source? What if he hadn’t studied Enchantments and Runes?

How much would he need to learn to be able to keep others around him safe? How far would he have to go, and how much effort would he have to put in? How many books did he need to read? How many spells would he have to learn? Was there even a number? He didn’t understand. The Maedra were weak and fragile. Yet Yae was practically pleading for him not to be reckless. But how could he not when he was simply trying everything he knew to win? If he did any less, did she understand what could happen?

“Your face tells me you have a lot of thinking to do,” Deris muttered, cutting off Jake’s run-away brain. The boy nodded and let out a sigh. “How old are you, Jake?” She asked softly.

“Fifteen, I think,” he muttered. Deris hummed softly and then slowly she made her way around the counter. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him into her bosom. Jake initially tensed up. However, her warmth helped him relax.

“Fifteen years old and here you are worrying so much about a village that isn’t yours and things well beyond your age. I wonder whose idea it was to give such a young child so many burdens,” she whispered. After a long pause, she leaned her head down towards him. 

“Does it hurt?” She asked. He nodded.

“Is it scary?” He nodded. “Heavy?” A nod. “Tiring?” A nod. “Lonely?”

He paused but then he shook his head, remembering just how many people there were around him. Pharos, Mur, Yae, Tul, Xul. Chul. Hulgrok and his assistant. Even Deris, Jake felt he could rely on her a little as well.

“Then you should already know you don’t have to worry all by yourself,” she whispered. Her hands gently brushed through his hair, her nails dragging lightly across his scalp. “The world is a big place with a lot of scary things in it. The people around us make it the bright and warm world we remember. They may not always say the things you want them to hear, but don’t try to go at it all by yourself. Okay?”

He nodded. Deris stood there, holding him for a little longer before she finally separated herself from him. She smiled down at him and placed her hands firmly on his shoulders.

“That doesn’t mean be lazy, but there are things you can’t do alone. Remember that.”

He nodded.

“Good. Now, I have somewhere to be, and so do you.” Deris made her way behind the counter again and her eyes drifted briefly towards the small painting. She cleaned up a few things behind the counter and then began to blow out the candles lighting the diner. “Run along, boy. And make sure you bring me my money,” she spoke sternly, her words carrying an unspoken threat.

Jake made a note of that- Deris was a scary woman.

“Thank you, Deris,” Jake hopped out of his seat and quickly turned for the door. Just before he got too far, there was a light pull on his cloak. He looked back to see the young girl standing there.

“Mister, are you a hero like daddy?” She said. Jake tensed his jaw and then looked to Deris for help. From her raised eyebrows, she probably wouldn’t give him any.

“N-No, I’m not. I’m just a regular kid,” Jake fumbled a bit with what to say but spit out something he figured would be fine. The girl frowned and lowered her head.

“Oh, okay,” she mumbled. Then, she looked up again. “If you see him, can you tell him I miss him?”

Jake felt his stomach squeeze and the corners of his eyes tugged. His lips squeezed together as the memory of his father flashed to the front of his mind. The boy looked to Deris. The woman shook her head slowly.

So, that’s how it was.

Jake knelt to be at eye level with the girl and put on the strongest smile he could muster. He gripped onto her shoulders and stared her straight in the eye as he summoned forth all the courage he could. The courage to lie.

“I’ll be sure to tell him for you, okay?” He said softly. The girl nodded and returned his smile.

“Thank you!” She giggled. Jake stood up, unable to look at that innocent face. He wondered just how innocent he looked to the normal eye. Were his eyes just as bright as hers? His cheeks as soft, his face as round? Was his voice as light and cheery?

“See you again,” Jake waved to Deris before hurrying out of the shop, the door practically slamming behind him as he rushed to get away from the girl.

“...a regular kid, huh?” he repeated the words he had rambled off to the girl, suddenly feeling the weight of them. He looked down at himself, and then looked inwards briefly at the mana coursing through him. He felt anything but regular on the inside, but how true was that?

“I think I have an idea,” he mumbled. He took in a long breath, and then kicked off the stone in a light jog as he hustled down the alley to his next destination. With a warm belly and Deris’s kind words steering him in a brighter direction, Jake figured it was time to make some adjustments to his current situation.

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