Chapter 31: Have we talked to you about your extended warranty?

You have died. Take your pick from A) Explosion Damage B) Standing in Fire until you are toast. C) Alcohol Poisoning from superheated Dwarven Whiskey.

As always, you have options for the next few hours:

-Log out and rejoin the real world. (Over-rated and will cost you 1 SP as you are a Contract Worker.)

-Browse the Global Data Net for information. (Also costing you 1 SP.)

-Play vintage video games. We'll pick ones you are good at so you can feel like a winner.

-Review your notifications.

This wasn't his first time to the rodeo. Ozzy opted to take a look at his notifications. Should be good for an few minutes. Then maybe some Ms. Pacman.

Congratulations and welcome to the Dark! You have slain an Elite Level Daemon above your Tier, and stolen his quest!. By completing the quest: Turn Sedgewick into a Charnel House you have shown your lust for power and dedication to the Path of the Butcher. Welcome to the Dark.

+1 Taint. This is a restricted stat only available to Black Guards, Cultists, Evil Priests and Horrors that stalk the night. You may now increase your Taint with further atrocities, gaining Dark power, demonic bargains, .

You may study Dark Magics from Ancient Grimoires or Summoned Demon Sages.

You receive the ability to cast one small curse of your choice immediatly.

Access to quests, spells, and skills only available to Horrors of the Dark.

Restrictions: The Dark finds the Light annoying. After agreeing to accept the Dark you may not join the Light, or gain access to Light Magics.

Accept the offer to join the Dark ? ?

Ozzy did not feel welcomed at all. And the situation was confusing to him. He'd assumed killing a Demon pissed off the guys downstairs and made the guys with the harps happy. This almost sounded like he'd impressed them by doing something. Charnel House? No idea. Then again, a big flaming building full of meat and demon might just meet the requirement for that.

Congratulations and welcome to the Light! You have slain an Elite Level Daemon above your Tier. The Light welcomes you to it's army of crusaders! Join the Light and receive the following:

+1 Radiance. This is a restricted stat only available to Paladins, Clerics and other Warriors of the Light. You may now increase your radiance with further victories.

You may study with the great schools of magic and have access to learn Light Magics.

You receive the ability to cast one Light cantrip of your choice immediately.

Access to quests, spells, and skills only available to Warriors of the Light.

Restrictions: The light cannont abide the Dark. After agreeing to accept the light you may not join the Dark, or gain access to Dark Magics.

Accept the offer to join the Light ? ?

Great. Getting recruited by both sides. Were they having a recruitment drive. Ozzy wasn't anxious to join either side of a good vs. evil competition. He'd always liked the fuzzy gray area in between. Again, no choice to turn the offer down. What was with these guys? Fine, he'd ignore them both.

The seemed mutual exclusive. And choosing one would probably piss off the other one.

Your faction has slain an Elite Level 7 boss. As this is a Tier above your current level, bonuses are increased.

You have earned 1000 EP in your main class (butcher) and 1000 EP that may be distributed to any stat which had a skill used in this battle. Eligible stats are : STR, CON

You have completed one of the class requirements for Butcher(Light) and Butcher(Dark): Killing a Charnel Daemon and Create a Charnel Pit.

You have completed one of the requirements for reaching Tier 2: Kill a Tier 2 boss while in levels 1-5.

You receive 18 Class Skill Points.

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18 points? Wow. This was going to take some thinking. That was a hell of a lot of skill points. He'd have to see what everyone else got. Talk things over a bit. He was certainly going to increase some of his caps and stats. That just seemed to go a long ways. He brought the list back up again and pondered a bit.

His tentative list was:

Raise CON by 1 more point by buying another level of Spirit of the Bear. He could only buy a total of 3, and had bought two earlier. And then raise the cap on the skill by one. Eventually he could get to 10 CON. That would help with his growing strength. That would cost 3 points. If he put a lot of his bonus EP into Con he could get it to 5, and then adding in the extra points would bring him up to 9. More health and hopefully no more snapped bones and ligaments.

He was tempted to increase his STR with Spirit of the Ox, but worried that would just get him back in trouble. He was close to another point with a few hundred more EP. Keep it on the list for now.

The natural weaponry options Rolly was using looked good. Did his fists count? If he could add that damage to what he got with "One fist of iron" he could just punch things to death. That would be fun. Plus you don't get disarmed as easy....well, unless you literally got 'disarmed'. Ouch. What else did these boxes have to say? If he took the first two tiers of Natural weapon, that was +30. His STR gave him +45 and the skill gave his punches a base of 20 instead of 10. That added up to 95 points of damage on a punch. Not bad at all. Hmm, that 3 points of STR looked good again. 110 on a punch? That was equivalent to a great big axe. He put spending points aside for now. Best to talk it over with the others. He expected they had received points as well.

Congratulations! For unflinchingly facing death by fire to save others You have received the special title Martyr. You have gained the skill: Fire Resistant. You will take 5% less damage from fire sources, magical and mundane. This is a CON based tertiary skill. You may upgrade this skill by making it part of your Heritage. If you make this skill a part of your Heritage you may also change its governing stat to INT. As always, unlocking a part of your heritage can have consequences.

Ok, someone is having a laugh here. How many Martyr's get to sip beer and watch their own funeral pyre still burn. If he took the option to fight for the light he bet that would go over good. At least the next time he burned to death it wouldn't hurt quite so much. The idea of burning himself to raise a skill was only a bit worse than the poisoning he'd been doing, but still didn't thrill him.

Congratulations! For slaying a Tier 2 Demonic Elite Boss you have gained the restricted skill: Demon Slayer. This counts as a Primary skill. Demon Slayer adds 5 points of damage to your attacks for each point of RAD you have earned. Demon Slayer is governed by the RAD stat.

Ok, so here was a use for radiance. Of course, how many times was he going to see a demon? He would be happy if he never fought one again. He reread the two recruitment notices. He didn't like that he couldn't turn down the offers. Was he going to start getting spam messages from them ? Probably. ' Hi, we wanted to talk to you about joining the Light and it's time to reknew the warranty on your car.'

The next notice was the one he'd been waiting for.

A Tier 2 Loot Chest has appeared at the location you killed The Charnel Daemon. Each person who damaged the Daemon may open the chest once to receive random loot. Only your party may open the chest for the next seven days. If no one opens the chest in the next seven days time, the next person to open the chest will receive the loot and the chest will disappear.

Nice! He didn't know just how good a Tier 2 Loot Chest was, but the first one they got had been filled with some decent stuff and coinage. Although, come to think of it, all of his had gone to a pretty dress and spiffy hat for other people. Easy come, easy go.

Hopefully the fire burned down soon. If the chest was in the exact spot the Charnel Daemon had been when it died, the chest was buried under a few tons of burn meat and charcoal. Just thinking of that made him tired. Maybe just a nap in that big leather chair until his timer was up. He'd just closed his eyes when two messages appeared.

Hi! We notice that you have not yet agreed to join the Light. Don't by shy, just click the option and we can upgrade you with your rewards, talk about further training, and how you can best serve the light. Don't delay, Join today!

Act now to join the Dark and we'll toss in a weekend of fun down in level 7! Booze, Babes, and the X-rated Ms. Pacman. But wait! There's more! We'll also throw in a free T-Shirt!

Oh, this was going to get annoying. He pulled a card from his pocket and made a phone call.

A voice in his ear woke Steven up. "Steven?"

Steven rolled over and looked at the clock. "Wally, I'm sure you are aware of when I got to bed and that humans need more than 1 hour and 13 minutes of sleep."

"Very aware Steven."

"Ah, so you have a situation that suddenly needs the attention of the lead game designer's approval. Well, the lead game designer got to bed a little over an hour ago and needs more time here."

"Incorrect Steven. You got to bed over 3.5 hours ago, had a "conference" with Sandra, and then got to sleep an hour and 14 minutes ago. But that's all right, let's not wake her up. I'll tell Heaven and Hell to stand down and not go to war until morning. Assault Demons and Angels of Vengeance are both known for their patience."

"Excellent Idea. I'm ok with that." Steven fluffed his pillow, and went back to sleep. 10 seconds later, his brain finally thought about Wally's last statement. "Oh, shit!" 1 minute later he was in his robe, at his desk, with coffee on the way. The big screen lit up with Wally's image. "Steven! So good to see you. We have a small situation that could trigger a few things. I'd like to get ahead of it. We are about to have a lawyer involved, and that could make it very serious.

Elgebert Coppertwist of the Law Firm Coppertwist, Fellrock, Kindfeld and Bumplasonek knocked on the door to the room Ozzy less than a minute after he left the message. Ozzy opened the door to see the gnome looking about the same as last time. "Good day sir, please come in."

"Thank you. I will be terse. My fees are astronomical, and I don't like to drive a client into debt. So what can I do for you today?

Ozzy shared the two notifications, and the annoying second message from the Light. "Two offers, neither of which is good for me. Can't refuse either, and already getting spam messages."

The gnome looked at the messages briefly, and relaxed a bit. "Ah, this won't cost you a dime. Standard work. I'll file a standard complaint about each, get things changed, then bill them for the work plus 200%. Done it before. You mentioned neither works for you?"

"No, or rather, i suspect not. I'm a Contract Worker. I'm going to spend five years working for ACME. I don't have time for this nonsense, plus I don't think I'm even getting all of it."

The lawyer nodded. "That is correct. You're current contract blocks you from many things. But no worries, I'll have this fixed and you can decline them both and get on with your life."

Ozzy smiled. It wasn't a friendly smile. "Actually, I was thinking about accepting."

"Oh? Surprising. And which are you planning on accepting?" Elgebert was curious about this choice.

"Both." Ozzy said. "Simultaneously."

"Oh goodness me. Now that is going to cause a ruckus." He walked to the phone, and without dialing, spoke into the receiver. "Agnes, be a deer and cancel appointments. I'll be in court for a bit."

Turning to Ozzy, he said, "Time to make it official. I believe that we have an agreed upon rate for work of this type." Ozzy tossed him one copper which the gnome caught and put in his pocket. Then he brought up both offers, and concentrated on both at the same time. The results were interesting, to say the least.

A trio of stunning women in chain mail bikinis, with batwings and hooves materialized on one side of the room, smiling evilly at the thought of the coming torture. Ozzy calmly sipped his diet soda. Nearly at the same time, three blonde haired warriors in golden Greek armor and white wings appeared, their noble faces marred by the pains of this base betrayal.

Foul fiend of the Dark!       You sniveling traitorous two-timer!

How dare betray us to the Dark!   You dare to deal with the Light!

It's the Burning Inquisition for you!  To the slime pits of Yegador!

On guard! Foul forces!        It's a trap of the light!

To arms! Call for aid!        Sound the Doom Bell!

I hope you know, this means WAR!  WAR is the only way to settle this!

Stand down, all of you idiots!!

Oh boy!                  crap on a stick......

We'll be good, Lord Mithras         uh..being bad but in a quiet way...

Mithras: Had to be today. Tomorrow I go on vacation and Hammurabi takes over my case load. But this had to happen today. Ok, lets figure this out. What do each of you bring before my court? Light, you can go first, Dark went first last time.

Light: This mortal tried to serve the Dark after swearing to serve the Light!

Dark: This weakling agreed to help the light after swearing to an infernal pact!

Light: Bullshit! Your pawn tried to infiltrate us.

Dark: Swearing already, I'll make a dirty boy of you yet. And the lies?! He was our pawn first.

Mithras: Mortal, which of these powers did you betray?

Coppertwist: Objection, your honor. My client betrayed no one and the assumption that he did is shocking, just shocking.

Mithras: Objection noted. Apologies Mr. Coppertwist, I shouldn't assume based on shouted accusations. Perhaps you can clarify your clients position.

Coppertwist: My client is innocent and annoyed.

Mithras: So noted. Can you clarify his status as an agent of the Light or the Dark.

Coppertwist: Certainly your Honor.

Mithras: (pause). Oh god!...gnomes....Mr. Coppertwist, it would please the court if you would immediately clarify whether your client has sworn to act as an agent for the Light or the Dark.

Coppertwist: Yes, your Honor. He is an agent for the Light or the Dark.

...

Oooh, he's good! Damn, look at the balls on that gnome!

Mithras: Did your client accept an offer from the Light?

Coppertwist: Yes sir.

Mithras: And to verify, did he accept an offer from the Dark?

Coppertwist: Yes sir.

Mithras: Both?

Coppertwist: Yes sir.

Mithras: Can you explain, in a way that takes up the least amount of my time, how that is possible?

Coppertwist: If you will look at the times of acceptance your honor, you'll see that they were issued at the exactly same moment, triggered by the same event. Said event to be the slaying of a Charnel Daemon. Normally a pending contract with the Light or Dark would prohibit the offering of a contract with the opposite faction, but not in this case. Simultaneously issued contracts, and he accepted them simultaneously. You'll also note the wording.

Mithras: Yes, I see, this was very sloppy. I suspect the Dark leaving loopholes and the light just copying their text. 'After agreeing to accept...'. That just leaves me with one question Mr. Coppertwist.

Coppertwist: Yes, your honor?

Mithras: Why in all the 666 Hells and 7 Heavens would he do this?!!

Coppertwist: They annoyed him, your honor.

Mithras: How did they do that please? Most mortals are pleased to receive recognition for their actions. He could have chosen his preferred side, or neither, and not interrupted my packing.

Coppertwist: Sadly sir. No, he could not. You are a busy person sir. May I summarize?

Mithras: I dearly wish you would.

Coppertwist: Both Light and the Dark offered my clients contracts that he couldn't refuse. Not only did my client feel threatened, but he was faced with two such contracts, which on the face of it, were mutually exclusive. Furthermore, as a Contract Worker, he is forbidden from taking learning from Schools of Magic due being gainfully employed. He also cannot spare the time to engage in quests, missions, or other tomfoolery from either side. The 'Offers he can't refuse' were made in bad faith.

Coppertwist: And then they immediately started spamming him to accept.

Just helpful reminders... Small threats so he made the right choice....

Mithras: Of course they did. What remedy are you looking for Mr. Coppertwist?

Coppertwist: Just a few things your honor, in light of the horrible ordeal my client was subjected to.

1. Acknowledgement that any involvement in the Light or Dark will be his decision with no contact, spam, hypnotic dreams, or other form of of coercion from the Light or the Dark

2. Both the Corruption and Radiance stats of the value of +1 to be added to my clients character.

3. Both promised cantrips of his choice.

4. Access to quests, spells, and skills, mentioned in the contracts IF also allowed by his Contract with ACME corporation.

Mithras: Acceptable. They offered these things, they can obviously give them to him and back the hell off. Anything else? I see that you aren't nearly done by the way you are smiling.

Coppertwist: Yes..ahem...As punitive damages we request that both the Dark and the Light be reprimanded for handing out contracts that co-opt free will by not allowing them to be denied. We ask that all contracts in the last 300 years be reviewed and the option to void be offered where applicable.

Mithras: Oh, just 300 years? Why not ask for the dawn of time while you are at it, Mr. Coppertwist.

Coppertwist: Those people are likely dead your honor.

Mithras: Oh, yes, most likely....sigh....how about since players entered the world? Would that suit you ok? I really do want to take my vacation.

Coppertwist: Grudgingly acceptable your honor. I will also be billing both parties for the copious amount of time preparing this case took. Oh, and my client would like a feather. Phoenix preferably as they hold up best and look quite dashing. Cost to be added to my bill.

Mithras: A feather?

Coppertwist: A feather. Phoenix preferred.

Mithras: Would this make you happy, Mr. Ozzy, and end this amicably?

Ozzy: Yes sir. That will do.

Mithras: SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE!    Oh, and you lot! Please don't annoy Mr. Ozzy again?

No Sir! ..if we mustn't...

Mithras: Court is adjourned. I'm off on vacation

Ozzy turned to the gnome. "Whew. Thanks. That could have gone a hell of a lot worse."

"Oh, very true. Much, much worse. But all in all I'm satisfied with the outcome as well." Elgebert did seem extremely please. "Now if you excuse me, I must be off. I have to let my primary wife know to assemble the clan for tonight's celebratory dinner. She'll insist on making it a big night, and for once I'm in agreement."

"Is the paycheck for this job that big?" Ozzy hoped so. Making someone pay until it hurt was the best way to change bad behavior.

"No, the check, while substantial, is simply icing on the cake. Winning a victory in court against both a heavenly and an infernal power on a moments notice? The EP is simply grand! And arguing the case before Lord Mithras is a +20% bonus. This pushed me from Level 30 up to Level 31 and the 7th tier! A banner day for myself and my wifes, along with my clan and my firm."

They shook hands and the gnome took his leave, a large grin on his face as he contemplated the evenings festivities. Level 31! The Players were stirring up all sort of legal problems. He anticipated a busy season coming up.

Steven leaned back in his seat and flipped off the screen. "So, that seemed to go well. Was there really a chance of a war over this?"

Wally chuckled, "Oh yes, those two sub-factions will go to war over almost anything. Both the powers of Light and the powers of the Dark have many different factions and groups making them up. Each has their warmongers. I believe it was one of the Arch-Angels that said "Of course we need to have a war! How can we win the war if we don't have a war!"

"So occasionally we get a few dead angels and demons and then cooler heads prevail. The warmongers have been losing a lot of agents though, and seem to be a bit rabid about recruitment. Players entering the world stirred them up. Lots of new chances to bring in fresh troops. But this should keep them in line for a bit. I barely had to do a thing other than put a stamp of approval on the proceedings."

Steven nodded, half asleep. "And the approval of a sleepy human. Who is now going back to bed."

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