Episode 39 – Saara’s past and true feelings revealed for the first time

After parting with everyone else, Saara and I headed home.
Since they already knew we were next door neighbors, they looked at us very warmly when we parted at the station.
Well, everyone knew we were going home together. ……

“You want something to drink?”
“Mmm, anything warm.”
“Well, after eating ……, I’d rather have brown rice tea than kelp tea.”

I boil the water in the kettle and fill the glass teapot with hot water.
I turn around and my eyes meet those of Saara, who is resting her elbows on the desk and looking at me with her hands on her cheeks.

“It’s no fun to look at me, is it?”
“Sora kun, how about looking at me while I’m cooking?”
“Looking at Saara is …… well, you’re a princess to all of us. It’s interesting to watch, if that’s the right word, but it’s interesting.”
“To me, Sora kun, you’re much more than that.”
“I think you’re overdoing it.”

I place the cup of hot water in Saara’s hand and sip on my own.
Saara gripped the cup of hot water and stared at the surface of the water as if to warm her hands.

“You said you wanted to talk.”
“Yeah”
“About that. …… I really, really need to talk to you. May I?”

By all means, huh?
If you insist that much, I’m not going to say no.
I’m sure it would only be ego for Saara to speak first, forcing my, how shall I say it, …… stereotypical masculinity on her.

“No, it’s fine.”
“You’re sweet.”

“Why? I mean, it’s not like I’m letting you talk first.”
“You just hesitated for a second before giving it up to me. You think about it and then make a decision.”

Saara quietly drinks the brown rice tea she holds in both hands.
She exhaled a small breath, muttered, “It’s warm,” and smiled.

“When it’s a senior and junior, when I get into trouble with my classmates. you think about how I feel.”
“Isn’t that obvious?”
“It wasn’t obvious.”

Saara spoke in an assertive tone …… and yet in the past tense.

“–I was kind of bullied, sort of, when I moved out.”

My heart jumps in my throat at the sudden confession.
Saara was…… in elementary school?

“No, that’s a lie. I’m sure it’s been since kindergarten.”

I feel a sickening sensation of my heart beginning to beat fast and lift up to my throat.
Even when I was there?
Even though we live in the same area?

“It seems that girls with shaved heads and obesity were easy targets. Even though it’s a moral lesson, it’s still essentially unknowable, isn’t it? After the class taught us how to stop being a misogynist, everyone ignored me.”
“Did you talk to your homeroom teacher about it?”
“My mother approached the teacher about it, but she didn’t respond in a casual manner. My mother, in particular, has always been a beautiful person, so she made fun of me even more.”
“……”
“There was a time when we didn’t get along.”

I can’t imagine this Saara hating her parents at all, but …… it must have been such a big deal to her.

“I remember when I was in kindergarten, …… Sora kun, you were very popular.”
“Me?”
“Everyone tried to talk to Sora-kun. But Sora kun always replied, [I’m going to play with Ayato]”
“Ah, ……, was it like that? I think it was.”

I remember it vaguely, but the idea of playing without Ayato in my mind was just too much for me.

“Don’t you think it’s strange? Why didn’t I and the other girls play together at Sora kun’s house?”

……You’re right, come to think of it.
I wasn’t exactly living a life of having no friends at all until the events of ninth grade.
I had invited them to play with me to a certain extent, and they invited me.
Even in kindergarten….. I only have Ayato in my memory.

“That was it. The other kids didn’t want to play with me.”
“So that’s what happened…….”
“Yeah. I heard that prejudice was carried away because of the head lice. Everyone didn’t want to play with me. So, it’s like I stole your childhood away from you.”
“No, I just let myself do what I wanted to do best.”
“I’m happy because it stems from your inner self.”

Saara continued and began to talk about her elementary school days.

“Soon after, I stopped going to school. I was home studying, but my mom didn’t give up on me. She was strict, but she restricted my diet and kept me moving at home. …… Then, when my hair grew longer and I lost weight, my dad crossed paths with his boss for a transfer, and we moved even further”

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I knew that her mother, and of course her father, cared about Saara like that.
I wonder what they could do for their daughter. How could she change?
The result was a new look, a fresh start in a new place, and a fresh start in school life.

“The change was remarkable………. too remarkable.”

A new life that they hoped would work out.

It was a good change for Saara, just as her parents had hoped.

However, for Saara, there were circumstances that did not allow her to say so.

“Boys would come up to me and try to get my skirt or something. The male teachers were quick to take sides, though.”
“Typical of guys. …… I’ve heard of guys who harass girls because they like …… them, but they usually stay hating them for the rest of their lives, that kind of thing.”
“That’s right. I probably won’t have a good impression of him for the rest of my life even if he apologized to me too.”

With a wry smile, Saara dismisses her then-classmates with a quick laugh, and continues, “But….”

“In middle school, the girls had a lot going on again.”
…… girls too?”
“When we went on field trips, I would request what was in my bento from my mom. I put in what I ate with Sora-kun.”

The ingredients of the onigiri from those days?
Those rare Japanese side dishes we had at home.

“The most common comment from the girls was that [it didn’t suit Saara].”
Not for Saara, huh?
That’s a grade schooler’s impression, however it’s …….

“…… yeah. I’ve heard from people that the boy she likes liked me, so maybe she was just being sarcastic. But you know,…… I wonder what that girl’s idea of ‘me-ness’ came from in the end.”

I spoke in the form of a question, but I guess the answer is already in Saara’s mind.
Yes, it is ‘appearance’

Why should a third party deny that Saara likes what she likes?
The question of whether something looks good on her or not does not include her own “what she wants to do.”
“I was, you know. I just wanted that kind of life where I could have normal friends, normal interactions, and just not be denied what I …… like.”
“……”
“Someone who would think how I …… think about it as if it were normal. I was always alone in my memories.”

Here Saara clapped her hands.
As if to say, this is the end of the old story.

“Today. I told everyone about us.”
“We Told them with all our might.”

The place where we live next door was a grand misadventure, but …….

“Sora kun. You said that no matter what I looked like, we would ultimately have the same relationship.”
“Ah, I said that, didn’t I?”
“I was very happy. By the way, can I take …… the part about ‘not having the exact same reaction’ in a positive way?”

She looks at me with a slightly mischievous look in her eyes.
Ugh, if you react like that with the way things are going right now…

“I …… mean it in a good way, of course. You’re a really beautiful girl, and you’re so unprotected that it’s a bit of a shock to the system.”
“Hahaha, so you’re right.”
“Are you mocking me?”
“—-I’m serious.”

“People who look at my appearance and like me will …… if I overeat and gain weight in the future, I’m sure they won’t see the value in me.”
“….. that’s …… what it’s going to be like, isn’t it?”
“Sora kun, I knew you would get along with me even if I was fat, even if I couldn’t study, exercise, or cook. But you know, that’s why …… that’s why.”

Saara’s words are filled with passion.
I can feel her seriousness and nervousness.

“I felt that I was not sincere if I didn’t take care of everything except for my inner self for the sake of those who looked at me from the inside. I couldn’t allow myself to be spoiled by Sora-kun’s kindness. That’s why I was able to work so hard.”

Then Saara leaned over and grabbed my hand.

“Could Ayato, who was just a guy friend, be the girl you desire?”

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