Chapter 27: 26

Part 3:

The Dozen or So Days where I Discovered Her Truth

Chapter 26:
L-O-V-E

When Shirakisawa Honoka opened her eyes, she first felt a sense of familiarity with her surroundings.

 

The beach at Jodogahama, which she had visited countless times during her childhood until she graduated from high school. It was famous across the country for its scenic beauty, and it was also located in her mother’s hometown of Miyako City, in Iwate Prefecture.

It was summer. Turning her gaze away from the bright sun, she looked down at her figure and saw it was no different than normal. She had a somewhat larger chest than her friends. She wore neither the sailor-style uniform from her junior high school days, nor the uniform from her high school, but instead the white linen dress she had bought after beginning college.

While something definitely felt off, without a doubt she was still her current 19-year-old self.

It’s strange, I haven’t been to Jodogahama since the summer of my last year of high school, she thought. But as soon as she did, she realized that this was all a dream.

A dream where she was fully aware of the fact she was dreaming. It was all awfully complicated, but the dream was that strange.

 

Precisely because it was a dream, everything fell into place rather conveniently for her.

She ducked under the bus shelter to avoid the hot rays of the sun, and there he sat asleep—My crush, Osakabe-san. No way, what’s going on?! She began to freak out. But because this was all a dream, granting herself just this little bit of happiness should be fine, right?

Desperate to calm her pounding heart, she sat down beside him.

What if he could hear her heartbeat? While trying to distract from her own insecurities, she snuck a glance at his face. He didn’t look like he was sleeping peacefully at all. Osakabe-san… you’re crying while you sleep. You must be remembering something awfully terrible, huh… Honoka pulled out her handkerchief and gently wiped his eyes.

 

Because it was a dream, the scene suddenly changed.

Now it was a riverbank somewhere in the suburbs of Miyako City. The two of them frolicked like children while they played with fireworks.

He made another pained expression while staring at the radiance of the sparklers. I don’t like it when you make that face—I’m right beside you! Stinging pain coursed through her heart.

He pulled out an envelope, some kind of letter from his first love. And I really don’t want to see that… Her heart felt as if it would be ripped apart by the ugly jealousy that spilled out of it.

He crouched low, cutting open the envelope. Drawing close to Osakabe from behind, she wrapped both her arms around his back. Because, she thought, I didn’t want him to see me cry.

But he cried before I could.

Osakabe-san, you cry so easily, she thought. You pretend to be at peace, but the shock of the accident is really wearing on you. After that heartrending thought, she hugged him even tighter. Her lips grazed against the back of his neck, and she whispered, soft enough that he couldn’t hear, “I’m here for you.”

 

And then—“I love you.”

 

Rather daringly, they spent the night at a love hotel.

But nothing really happened there. Honoka was prepared to consent to whatever Osakabe might try, but… But we’re not really lovers, she thought, burying her face in his chest.

Night came and they slept, and sometime in the night rain began to fall.

The rain fell quietly, as if tending to their worn out hearts.

The pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof woke Honoka, who sat up, taking care not to wake Osakabe who still slept beside her. His face looked at peace. This might have even been the first expression of happiness he had shown her since he came to Miyako.

—It always looks like it’s hard for you to just be alive, Osakabe-san.

And as she thought that, a surge of painful emotions burned Honoka’s heart. Heat and moisture filled up behind her eyes.

It’s no use. She tried desperately to calm the feelings that came rousing up, but she was powerless to stop them. Honoka drew close to his cheek, and softly caressed it with her lips.

—I love you.

The overflowing feelings were spun into words, charged with a mysterious force. Wiping away the tears that spilled forth in that instant, she crawled back under the covers.

Honoka cried herself to sleep in the echo of the gentle drizzle that continued to hit the roof.

 

The next dream was at Jodogahama beach.

Even if this was all a dream—spending a whole day at the beach, just the two of them, was too greedy even for her.

If she couldn’t tell him now, when could she?

With all the courage she could muster, she spilled her heart into words. “I liked you this whole time”—this was just another convenient fantasy, wasn’t it? For him to tell her he also liked her.

Has my love been rewarded? Her heart glowed with happiness. She was aware of exchanging their first kiss, as if she was drifting somewhere between reality and dream. Their kisses didn’t taste anything like lemon or strawberry—they were sweet and heartbreaking, salty like the tide.

The feelings of love that bubbled up could not be stopped. Their lips met over and over, their tongues tangling again and again. Whenever they separated for a moment, they were drawn back by a clear thread.

It was… sexy, even.

…her body burned and throbbed from the core.

 

She really loved those times they rode his scooter, and she could embrace him from behind. She felt like all of him belonged to her.

They gifted each other with clothes. They saw a movie together. They spent a whole day visiting ramen shops. She wanted this happy dream to go on forever.

As the two of them rode his scooter, she inhaled the scent of his back.

She even liked the tinge of sweat that mingled with it.

Then, she met the eyes of a strange woman who stood in the woods alone. Why? she thought, then suddenly realized. Her dreams and lingering attachment to this world are identical to mine.

Entirely as if it were a hunch or some sense of déjà vu, she was able to understand—this girl had lost her life in an accident and lingered in this world, no longer able to meet the person she loved.

“That woman is a ghost,” he had told her.

I see. The thought came to her: Then maybe I’m a ghost too?

 

The fantasy gradually picked up speed. In the end at the guest house, we lay in bed and embraced each other. He whispered promises of love in my ear. Yeah, I love him too. Because he promised to come for me after two years.

And I will do my best. …even though it hurts, I will do my best to wait for him, Honoka swore to herself countless times.

She gave herself up to him.

Of course I have no experience with this, so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how. But taking care to watch how you react, the changes in your expressions, I know more or less what pleases you, what feels good.

While keeping all those things in mind, she tried touching him.

Looking up for a glimpse of his face, sometimes a wrinkle formed on his brow. Then that must have been the right thing to do, she would realize, and try to replicate the motion. She tried out whatever came to mind, while visually confirming the depth of his reactions. But sometimes, she also stopped moving entirely as if teasing him.

He looked down at her with an expression as if to say, …Honoka-chan? His gaze was heartbroken.

Maybe he wants me, she thought with some happiness, and stole a kiss from him. Perhaps she was being a little mean. “…can’t be helped, I guess,” she whispered and hugged him tight.

 

It was like they were haggling for love. It felt so good, and as they burned from within, Honoka wished this moment would continue forever. She immersed herself in this warm spot.

I want to leave him at peace. I want to fill him up with myself until everything goes white, she prayed.

 

…But her heart announced that even this pleasant dream was coming to an end.

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I know. There’s no need to nag.

Tomorrow I will have to return to the real world.

And I won’t be able to see him anymore. No one else will be there with me. But he promised, and so I will do my best to wait for him, and live.

Keep your promise, okay?

…Don’t forget my name, she thought.

 

※※※

 

In the warm sunlight that streamed in through the cracks of the curtains, Honoka’s eyes opened.

Her eyelids felt absurdly heavy. It exhausted her even just to wrench them open.

Am I… alive? Where am I? I don’t know this place at all, she thought.

White walls, and a white ceiling. She could hear an electronic beep… beep… at regular intervals. With some hazy awareness, she realized that this was a hospital, and her thoughts caught up with her.

What was my last memory? Was it the accident on the way to the ski resort? Or was it that night in the guest house at Jodogahama? Oh, until just a bit ago, I was dreaming…

 

“Honoka…?”

 

Suddenly, she heard a voice call out her name. She tried to move her head, but it was impossible, so she tried to focus only her gaze and awareness in that direction.

At last, she exchanged a quiet glance with the person watching her.

It was the person she had always hoped would call her name, the figure of the one she held dear. Huh, how? She became disoriented. It was embarrassing, but even though she wanted to turn her face towards him, she had no strength with which to move. In the end, she just stared.

Osakabe rushed to the side of the bed, but when he held her hand his touch was delicate. Their skin only came into contact in a few places, but she could feel his warmth. It was such a simple thing, and yet it made her so happy… But several questions rose to her mind.

 

Hey, what day is it today?

What month?

How long has it been since the accident?

And why am I here?

That’s right, she thought. Osakabe said he would come after two years. He remembered. …I’m so glad.

Huh? But—wasn’t that just a dream? Has it really been two years? Hey…

Countless things she wanted to say rushed through her head but frustratingly she could voice none of them.

But hey, she thought, I know this one thing.

My letter—you read my letter, didn’t you?

I’m so glad. It felt like this joy was coursing through her entire body. Gradually a warmth began under her eyelids, and tears streamed down her cheeks.

 

“Honoka, are you awake? Are you okay?!”

 

As if to dispel her doubts, Osakabe called out to her more clearly than before.

Yes, I’m fine, she wanted to reply, but the words got trapped in her throat and wouldn’t come out.

At least allow me to hold his hand too, she thought.

 

But… it takes everything I have just to bend my fingers a little. I wonder why—I can’t move at all. I’m so sorry. But bear with me.

Hey.

Why are you crying?

I want you to smile.

I’ll be sad if you don’t smile for me.

There’s nothing to do about it I suppose. I guess I have to be the one to smile, but I can’t even tell if I am…

Oh, I almost forgot.

I have to tell you how I feel. While I’m still awake.

Of course she still couldn’t speak, but she made an effort to move her lips.

 

“I… lo…ve… you…” she mouthed.

 

There, I think I said it.

Then there was the sound of footsteps as someone came rushing into the room.

At the same time, a drowsy numbness filled her body, and her eyelids grew heavier… Her whole body was heavy, and everything inside her head was white. I’m already so sleepy.

And inside that dreamlike state, Honoka thought, I was able to hold his hand. Even if this is all a dream, I’m just so happy that I can have this memory with him all to myself.

 

Thank you, Osakabe-san. For coming to see me.

I love you.

Forever and always, I love you.

Reassured, she went back to sleep once more.

 

And Honoka closed her heavy eyelids.

 

“I love you.”

 

Those were Honoka’s final words. After that, she never regained consciousness, and she never again opened her eyes.

And yet. Honoka lived for a week after that, until she finally drew her last breath.

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