Chapter 43: Uncalled Instincts (2)

I wear the dress over my body and lie in bed in silence.

I don't cry. I have no right to.

It's not even the first time I mess up. If I think about it carefully, I always react in the wrong way.

The first time Ignis kissed me for real, I backed away in fear. And he stopped kissing me to sleep.

Now, on the contrary, I did something more than needed, and the result was the same. I'm such a failure.

I should have kept still, waiting for him to do all the rest and just endure it.

Why in the world did I move? What is so wrong with me, for goodness?

I hug the pillow and shiver when I feel Ignis's warmth still lingering in the bed. Oh, damn it. I want to make up for this, but I have no clue about how to proceed.

What if I make things worse?

«Why is it so difficult?» I murmur while turning, restless. I'd like to get up and take a walk as well. But what if I bump into Ignis? It'll be too awkward.

It's better to sleep and restore my energy before morning. Then, I'll offer him the opportunity to rest. I'll guard him, and I'll act as if nothing happened.

It's better to avoid mentioning anything, for I fear making things worse if I try to apologise.

With these thoughts, I fall into slumber. It's a difficult night, and rest is too strong of a word to describe my sleep. When I wake up, it's early in the morning. Ignis is sitting on a chair, carving some wood with a knife.

It must be more out of boredom than benefit.

He feels awkward as well about what happened yesterday.

«Good morning,» I say in a low tone. I keep my eyes on the sheets without daring to meet his emeralds. I can't survive his judgement right now.

«Good morning, Veronica.»

His voice is normal. He doesn't sound irritated nor disappointed. Just exhausted.

«It's your turn to sleep,» I say.

«You don't have to. It's early, and you were so tired yesterday...»

«I slept enough.»

Even though it didn't help me regain a healthy complexion nor a sound spirit.

«All right. Wake me up for lunch, please.»

«Sure.»

As we exchange places, I sit at the table and wait.

I don't have anything to do. I haven't brought embroidery along.

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And even if I had, it would be in the carriage now. Ah, so much work just to get home. Have journeys always been so dangerous?

Defying the King is like attaching a bell on your neck, signalling to assassins and bandits your position and status.

If only I could do something to help, but I'm stuck at using my muscles only. And relying on other people.

I'd like to use my magic freely as I do at home, but I risk being discovered. And that would have terrible consequences for everyone, including Ignis.

I move my fingers, and a light breeze flows around me. It's hot in here, isn't it? I should change the air.

I open the window and make the stagnant air get out while welcoming the morning breeze. Outside, not a single leaf moves. It's one of those days without a puff of wind.

At least, I can use magic like this. No one will know, and Ignis will sleep more comfortably.

He doesn't seem bothered by my actions, nor by the sun rays coming in. He was dead tired.

Yet, he seemed so spry yesterday when we kissed!

When the air is changed, I close the window and return to sitting. Again, I'm jobless.

I stare at an undefined spot on the wall for hours until midday approaches. When the clock resounds in the background, I sigh and start preparing myself.

Soon, I'll need to wake Ignis up. I have enough time to become brave and find out the best way to do it.

I can pat on his shoulder. That way, I don't need to come up with any sentence to repeat until he hears me. It's good.

Also, avoiding talking, I'll lessen my embarrassment. I'm not sure how much I can keep my back straight and my voice normal in a conversation, so I'll just keep quiet until these emotions settle down.

I approach the bed and bend in front of it. Then, I retreat and wonder again. Should I sit on the edge? Or better to stand?

If I sit, Ignis might dislike my excessive proximity. Also, what if he thinks I was trying to do something weird?

No, it's better to reach him from afar.

In the end, I crouch at the side of the bed. I observe his sleeping face, sighing like a lovestruck deer.

He's so handsome even while sleeping. Yet, it's fascinating: he looks so docile, surprisingly. And, also, defenceless...

I stare for a while more, amazed by his perfect features. His hair, in contrast with the pillow, makes him look like a lion. That's what he reminds me of the most, with his current calm. A predator, slumbering under the shadow of a tree.

I reach out and caress his face. The initial plan was to wake him, but who knows when I'll have another chance to touch him like this?

I won't be allowed anymore, for I made a mistake. But, at least, I have a few minutes before lunch is ready. Until the maids don't knock at the door with the food.

Also, if anything goes wrong and Ignis opens his eyes, I can just tell him it's midday. That's good, a perfect plan.

As such, I let my fingers slip on his lips. I feel the softness, just like I remember. I will miss them the most.

Then, just while retreating, a movement of his arms attracts my attention. In a second, a tight grip wraps my wrist.

The next moment, I'm dragged on the bed.. Not in a sensual way, unfortunately.

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