Chapter 179: Shame

Syryn's heart sped up. He hated himself for getting excited at the thought of taking advantage of Riha but he could not help his nature. He could smell the ocean in the selkie and it was heavenly.

"Riha.." he said through the difficulty of his growing canines. "Stab me in the neck with this if it looks like I'm losing control."

The selkie accepted the dart and curled his fingers around it. "Only your neck?"

"It works at other places too but it'll deliver faster this way."

Syryn refused to think about Rowan. Whether the anti mage liked it or not, Syryn had to do it. He would confess to Rowan later, and that made him anxious, but he had faith in the anti mage's patience, and that he would hear him out before judging Syryn for his decision.

The alchemist was glad for the hunger because the entire situation made him feel awkward. He was literally preying on his depressed housemate.

"Can I?" He asked the selkie while leaning in.

Riha inclined his head and it was the only answer that Syryn needed. This time, he was gentler. The half-demon scraped his teeth along Riha's neck without breaking the skin. He had to find the perfect spot for optimal drinking.

Syryn pierced Riha's neck and gorged. The demon tried several times to take over but he resisted. In his head, he repeatedly sang the chorus of his anthem. In a loop, it went on till Riha told him he'd had enough.

The alchemist was relieved by how well it had gone, too well in fact that his suspicions were stoked. Why wasn't the demon trying harder?

Regardless, it was done. He looked at the injury on the selkie's neck and felt like he'd participated in something cruel. Syryn hated this feeling. It was a cocktail of shame, helplessness, and self-loathing. Right there and then he decided enough was enough.

"Riha, I'm sorry," he apologised even as he tamped down on the self-disgust that was crawling up his throat. He was supposed to protect the selkie. Protect. Until Rowan had said it, Syryn didn't realise his role in Riha's life. What was he doing preying on him? "I'll wake you up but not this way."

Syryn could realistically keep drinking from him, but by doing this, they were adding the bricks to building a toxic relationship. The half-demon had had enough of that in his first life. He wanted happy healthy friendships that were stable, built on good thoughts and feelings for each other. Not this. Not even if his demon demanded it. Syryn would rather hunt down a rogue criminal and brutally kill him than feed off of his housemate.

"Don't look so upset, Syryn. I am just as culpable as you are for this." Riha accurately grasped what Syryn was wrestling with. Guilt.

"Let's not do it again," Syryn whispered. His fists were clenched so hard that little half-moon indents on his skin were bleeding.

"Let's not," Riha repeated hollowly. "I'll wait for you to wake me up then, Syryn."

"Soon," the mage promised as he grasped Riha's hands in his. "I'll do everything I can."

The selkie smiled and it was the first real smile that he had seen from the selkie. Hopeful - Riha looked hopeful and it made Syryn happy that he was the reason for it.

"Whether you find a way or not, you have my gratitude."

It was a few minutes later that Syryn exited from Riha's room. He crawled into bed, wanting to stew in his misery but it didn't happen.

A redhead poked his head out from the blanket and balefully stared at Syryn.

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"Are you going to cry?"

The alchemist was startled by the question.

"What? No!" He blinked a few times so the approaching tears would get reabsorbed into his eyes or dry out.

"Syryn," Red sighed. "Did you drink from Riha?"

"Yes," it was a small sound. Syryn truly had reached the bottom of the pathetic barrel.

"Did your demon try to take over?"

"Yes, but it failed."

"You did what it wanted you to by making an offer it accepted. That was why it was satisfied enough to not fight you too much."

"Oh, I guess so." The demon was satisfied for now but it was still lurking.

"Syryn, why do you look so shattered?"

The half-demon wondered that too. He had thought that maybe he was overreacting. But the shame and guilt he felt said otherwise. Syryn replaced Riha with Lucien and imagined another creature feeding on the redhead to satisfy its urges. The thought made him more than uncomfortable.

If Riha was in a healthy state of mind and wanted Syryn to drink because of sexual gratification, he wouldn't have felt bad about it. But it had to go both ways. They weren't partners. They were a parasite and its unstable host. The context mattered.

"I feel ashamed about what I did. I'm a demon, aren't I? Why must I fight the two sides that pull me? I'd rather be completely at either side than struggle at the centre."

Red was quiet as he absorbed Syryn's words. "You aren't at the centre," he finally said to the older demon. "We are both on a linear spectrum. The demon is at one end and the human at the other end. Syryn, you're closer to the human end, and I towards the demonic corner."

The alchemist silently listened to the redhead.

"The demonic side pulls harder than the human. It's so easy to just slide down and give in to your urges. But you don't do that, Syryn. It is courageous, commendable, and stupid."

Syryn wasn't sure if he was being complimented or insulted.

"What I'm saying is you'll have a much harder time than I ever will. But you can be human, or as much as a half-demon can be. Talk to Rowan. He will be able to help you."

The alchemist turned to the redhead. "Why then did you tell me to drink Riha's blood?"

The child's red eyes closed sleepily. "I thought you could try leaning more towards the demon. But I was wrong. Your heart is too human, Syryn."

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