”Not at all. There is a difference between not forgiving because you don’t want to, and unforgivable because you can’t.”
“—-That’s…”
”I’m sorry if I seem judgmental, okay? But Onii-chan really wanted to forgive her. Am I wrong?”
”…”
Sachi’s question makes me unable to say anything.
“If you don’t want to forgive her, you shouldn’t have taken her up on her offer. No matter how sneaky I was, you could have refused, right? But Onii-chan came. You just didn’t push her away.”
”I’m–It was the same at that time. I didn’t listen to anything you had to say, and instead I just shoved you away.”
The same. Just like my mother.
“It’s not the same. That’s absolutely not true, Onii-chan.”
That’s not true, Sachi denied.
”Onii-chan is kind. I think you feel guilty for not being able to forgive others. Even if it’s out of line.”
Because you are kind, Sachi said.
“The reason I am here and able to talk to Onii-chan is because you are kind to me. We are just spoiled by your kindness.”
”—-But I made a mistake today.”
If I had been kinder, I could have forgiven Mom.
”—Certainly? If your brother says so, maybe that attitude was a mistake, but this is how he is suffering. You’re worried about us. That alone makes me happy.”
”Happy…?”
Yes. Because that means we haven’t lost connection yet.”
“That’s…..”
Because “I can’t forgive” yet. That’s not a reason for you to give up on, okay? Onii-chan”
Sachi then buried her face in my back.
“Onii-chan has always been cold to me —- of course this is my fault, you know? But in the end. Onii-chan never ignored my presence, not even once.
“The only reason we are not separated right now is because of you, Onii-chan. That’s why I will keep waiting.”
”It’s not about right and wrong, I will wait until Onii-chan is satisfied.”
Waiting, huh?
“It is unfair, right? You put yourself on the shelf and talk as if it’s a given that you’ll make up on your own. But that is my wish.”
Yeah, it’s really not fair. Selfish and self-centered.
“That is why I want you to let me take advantage of your kindness.”
The heat in my back felt increased.
How would I respond to that thought?
“I still don’t know.”
”……Yes.”
Sachi responds to my words with a few words.
“Why couldn’t I just let it go?”
“I don’t even know what I want right now.”
“But I just can’t face it right now. I don’t have the courage to face it.”
“…..Yes”
I don’t even know when. In the first place, I don’t even know if that day will ever come.