The Girls Who Traumatized Me Keep Glancing at Me, but Alas, It's Too Late (LN)
Posted on April 25, 2022by Soafp
Translator: Soafp
TL: I forgot to translate this part.
“Why does God want to put me through all these trials ……”
I was stupefied and staring at the blackboard. Last night, I suddenly changed into a more environmentally conscious person, and decided to start with what I could do, which was to replace all my mechanical pencils with regular pencils. I was trying to reduce the amount of plastic. I was smiling and happy at the time, but after class started, I realized that I had not sharpened them.
These pencils aren’t sharpened. Why doesn’t anyone have a pencil sharpener? There were three brand-new pencils that had not been sharpened at all. I was helpless. Unsharpened pencils are as worthless as cryptocurrency, without a buyer. The only use for such a thing is to roll it around and play with it.
Thanks to this, I haven’t been able to take any notes in my morning classes. You’d think I could just borrow a writing utensil, right? But it’s too difficult for me, a loner in the shadows. Besides, if I have to borrow a mechanical pencil to use it, I am not environmentally conscious in the first place. That’s why I had to go to the store.
As I was getting up, someone stopped me.
“Yukito, would you like to have lunch with me?”
“No, thanks.”
I couldn’t help but speak in Kyoto dialect, yet Kyoto and I have nothing to do with each other.
In the past, I had been there once, but all I heard was the voices of foreign tourists, which made me wonder if I was in Japan.
I don’t care about that, but I have no need to check who the voice belongs to. There is no way I could have misheard this voice. It is Suzurikawa, the name of the person I have spent so much time with. A dull ache runs through my body at the name.
“Suzurikawa, don’t try to get involved with me.”
“W-Why? We are classmates, right? And we’ve known each other since childhood.”
“That was a long time ago. It’s different now.”
“Why do you say that? That’s just Yukito making up your own mind, right?”
Hinagi Suzurikawa. A childhood friend who I once had a crush on. I was the one who I embarrassingly mistakenly thought I was in love with her. I was the pathetic clown who tried to confess my feelings for her, but was rejected before I could do so.
“Suzurikawa, please eat with someone else. It’s bad for your boyfriend, so don’t worry about me.”
“—-!”
The classroom was shocked. Crap! It was well-known in junior high school that Suzuriakwa had a boyfriend, but not so much in high school. I might have carelessly leaked personal information about her.
“Can’t you even allow me to do this ……?”
“I’m doing this for your own good, Suzurikawa. If it were me, I wouldn’t feel very good about my girlfriend being friendly with the opposite sex. You wouldn’t like it if your boyfriend was hanging out with another girl, would you?”
“That’s why I–!”
That was the very reason I ended my childhood friendship with Suzurikawa. No man would be so narrow-minded as to be jealous of a classmate having lunch together, but when it is a childhood friend of the opposite sex, it is a different story.
I can’t be with her when she chooses someone else.
Seeing me so close to a childhood friend of the opposite sex is bound to make her boyfriend uneasy.
Besides, Suzuriakwa really likes her boyfriend. They even did something like that right after they started dating. That’s how close they are.
If that is the case, all I can do is keep my distance from her and try not to get in her way. I don’t know why Suzuriakwa doesn’t realize how simple this is. There is no way we can stay in our original relationship.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go to the store now.”
I want Suzuriakwa to be happy because I used to love her. That is my honest feeling, and I cannot be the cause of a catastrophe if I wish that. There is no place for a pathetic man with a broken heart. I am the one who should not approach Suzurikawa. I am not the one to stand next to her.
Besides, what about now? Do I still love her?
Maybe the day when I will understand that —– will never come.
[Third person PoV]
The class was buzzing with excitement after the bombshell with Yukito Kokonoe.
“Eh, does Suzurikawa-san have a boyfriend?
“After all, with a beauty like that, she must have a boyfriend…….”
“Eeh? I was aiming for her.”
“Is he from this school?”
“Oh, that reminds me, when I was in junior high school, Suzurikawa-san…”
The information was spreading from mouth to mouth. The only one who stopped them was Suzurikawa-san herself.
“—-STOP IT! Sorry, please …… don’t say anything…..”
A cry similar to a scream tore through the air in the classroom. It was rejection. It is a strong will that does not allow anyone to talk about it. Trying to haggle, she was in denial about everything.
“S-sorry, Suzurikawa-san”
The classroom was completely quiet. Lunch break. A heavy silence prevails, which is not befitting a time that is normally bright and bustling with activity.
“It’s my fault. ……It’s all my fault. ……–“
No one heard the small voice of Suzuriakwa as she let out a small sound.
Why did I buy two Anpan of all things? Don’t people usually choose different flavors? I can only say it was youthful indiscretion. The eternal mystery was lying closer to home than I had expected. The cafeteria was already full of people. I went outside to find a quiet place where I could be alone and found a fire escape. The perfect spot for me, a gloomy person, right? Let’s do it here, I thought.
“—Souma-san, please go out with me.”
In the ideal world I arrived at, confessions were being made. Is this a confession spot? If so, the utopia has already collapsed, but it’s the first time I’ve seen a confession scene, so it’s unusual. However, I don’t care as much about other people’s love lives. I don’t have the guts to be an onlooker. For the time being, I ignored the whole exchange and sat down on the stairs.
Fuu. Two sweet breads were a mistake, after all. By the way, I use the school cafeteria twice a week. My mom is busy, so I make my own lunch for three days, but it’s too much of a hassle to do it every day, so I compromise. Naturally, I make lunch for my sister as well. I casually suggested that it might be a good idea if she made the lunches for the other days, and she gave me 5,000 yen for it. It was a bribe. And she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. Well, I don’t mind if my sister, who is not very good at cooking, does it, since it will only result in disappointment.
“Uhm, ……, what can we do for you?”
For some reason, the man who had just confessed to her spoke to me. He seemed to be a senior student.
“I’m sorry, we’ve never met before, right? I don’t have any business with you.”
“Uhm ……, you are …….”
I don’t know what you’re talking about for a minute. Wasn’t I involved in the first place?
What made you think I had something to do with you? Do you need to involve me in your confession at such an important time?
“Then what are you doing here?”
” Ah, that is what you mean! I was simply looking for a place where I could be alone and relax, and that’s how I ended up here. I’m a loner, so you can treat me as if I’m not here. I’m as tight-lipped as a Mitsubishi-Armadillo. Go ahead, go on, go on.”
He twisted and turned his head in a manner that seemed to indicate he didn’t get it, but reluctantly agreed to go on. I was not only not really concerned about it, but it was also unimportant to me, so I had to be convinced.
“Uhm,…..Then. Souma-san, may I have your answer?”
The senior (male) and senior (female) are having a tense exchange while glancing at each other. I don’t think they need to be concerned about me, who only has the presence of helium in the air, but that’s why I’m so petty.
“I-I’m sorry.” Glance (sfx)
“May I ask why?” Glance
My mouth was too sweet with red bean paste, and my body was in desperate need of water. In such a case, milk is the best. I’m actually trying to grow taller.
“Uhm….I don’t know you that well.” Glance
“How about going out with me to get to know me? Or is there someone you like?” Glance
“It’s not like that, but I’m sorry.” Glance
“Haa. I understand. I give up. Thank you for coming.” Glance
It seems that the meeting is over. The senior (male) is leaving. It finally seems to be quiet. Even if he is a senior, he is guilty of interrupting the relaxing space that I had just discovered.
Then, for some reason, a woman sits down next to me. No, you go back to your class as soon as possible.
“Haa. I’m in trouble, aren’t I? This thing”
“I’m the one who’s in trouble now.”
“Hahaha. What are you really doing here? Don’t tell me you’re confessing to me too?”
“You’ve got a big ego, Senpai.”
“I don’t know him very well. I don’t know that guy well earlier either. When someone confesses something to me when I don’t know them, I don’t know what to say.”
“Oi oi, you started talking when no one was listening.”
“A-Are you really a junior? Remorseless? Aren’t seniors supposed to be respectful?”
“Compared to the mystery of the two Anpan, I have no interest in it.”
“Am I losing to Anpans…..?”
Get the hell out of here! She was a bad woman no matter how I looked at it. Why did she suddenly start talking about her state of mind to an unrelated underclassman whom she had never met before?
“It’s fine. Why don’t you listen to me for a little bit? After all, you’re coming to a place like this. You’re probably just a shy guy who doesn’t have any friends, right?”
“You’re a self-centered senpai!”
“I-I’m sorry, are you mad at me?”
“No, a self-promoting senior is a good person. I’m impressed because I’m surrounded by people who won’t admit I’m a loner.”
“Well, suddenly I don’t want to admit it either.”
“That’s not true, you self-centered, Senpai.”
“I mean, can you stop that? It’s the most embarrassing thing ever.”
“Then would you rather be a craving for the limelight Senpai?”
“None of it! What in the world are you?
“What should I call you then——ah nevermind, I’m not interested”
“I’m so angry! It kind of pisses me off a lot!”
The atmosphere of this person has changed from the time when the senior (male) was there earlier.
“I’m Kyouka Souma. I’m a second-year student, so I’m looking forward to working with you.”
“Why didn’t I choose cream buns?”
“Listen to me! Please be more interested in me than the Anpan!
“Alright. ……”
“It is as if I’m the bad guy?! Come on, what’s your name?”
“My name is Yukito Kokonoe”
“Heeh. So you’re Kokonoe-kun. Come to think of it, there’s one in second year too.”
“Aah, that must be my sister”
“Eh? You are the younger brother of that Yuuri Kokonoe?”
“I think we need to have a DNA test done.”
“I’m afraid I can’t laugh at your self-deprecation, so let’s keep it to a minimum, okay?”
“Yes.”
I am not self-deprecating, but I can’t say anything careless because I don’t know what I will do to my sister if I tell her this.
“Fuunn. Will you continue to come here?”
“Sometimes I eat in the classroom, so maybe once or twice a week.”
“I see. Then I’ll come here once in a while.”
“What a pain in the *ss ……. Oh, in a good way.”
“Saying “in a good way” doesn’t mean you’re allowed to do whatever you want!”
“I didn’t realize that. …… I’m learning a lot.”
“I was feeling a little down, but after talking to you, I think I feel better. Thanks.”
“Can I have a consultation fee?”
“Ahaha. I understand. I’ll buy you a cream bun next time.”
“Goddess ……. I’ll call you Goddess Senpai from now on.”
“Will you stop it!? I’m afraid you might actually call me that, because you don’t seem like the type who can take a joke.”
“My whole life has been a joke, you know”
“That’s why it’s not funny!”
In the end, I had to talk with my senpai until the end of the lunch break, and my plan to be a shady little boy was once again foiled. I wonder when I will be able to achieve my goal, and I just want a quiet school life.
DSLRs vs. mirrorless cameras. In my mind, there was a competition between the two. The result was 5 – 4, but I will say it here. I want to say out loud that amateurs are looking for simplicity rather than high image quality. My mother has always been about that. For example, she want to take pictures of her children! (Well, it’s more of my sister, isn’t it? She’s beautiful. I’m sure she doesn’t care about me.) So she decided to buy a full-size digital SLR camera a few years ago.
Let me be clear. It’s really heavy. If you include the lens, how many kilos does it weigh in total? I don’t know why she didn’t choose an APS-C camera, or why she didn’t go for a lightweight mirrorless camera. But the full-size digital SLR camera, which she doesn’t carry around very often, due to its poor handling, has become a treasure trove in my home now. In addition, she has five lenses, including single-focus lenses. It’s a waste of money.
“I’m going to start working from home. I’ll only have to go into the office once or twice a week, so I’ll have more time to spend at home.”
She is smiling. She was full of joy, laughing, and in a rare good mood. My mother, Ouka Kokonoe-san, suddenly said something like that.
Perhaps it is the change in social conditions, or perhaps it is the fact that more and more schools are temporarily closed, and the days are becoming more and more unsettled. But I don’t know the correct answer to that question, so I just give a few words of encouragement.
“Heeh”
“I’m glad that my workload will be reduced overall, and I’ll be able to spend more time with you guys.”
“Fuun. Good. So you’ll be making lunch for us now?”
“Of course. I’m sorry I’ve left it up to you.”
“Don’t worry about it, you’re working.”
I questioned the conversation between my sister and my mother. What? I don’t know why I feel like my lines are being taken away from me right now, but maybe it’s just my imagination. In our house, I am in charge of making lunch boxes. I should be the one to say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But I’m not a man who is so coy as to appeal to such a thing. I have a heart as big as the Seto Inland Sea. I can only hope that Yuuri will take this opportunity to learn housework from my mother and become proficient at it. I’m sure she’ll have no trouble finding someone to take her in because she’s so beautiful. Except for her …… personality. That’s not right. Something is killing me. ……
“Did you just think of something rude?”
“No, not at all.”
If my mom is going to spend more time at home, there’s only so much I can do. Like a trained bear in a circus, I would just go along with it.
It was a Saturday on the weekend when such an exchange took place. On the way home from the electronics store, astonished at the improved performance of mirrorless cameras, an unexpected rainstorm hit.
They didn’t say it was going to rain today! As I was sending resentful and vindictive thoughts to the weather forecast, I spotted a woman with a troubled look on her face carrying a large package in front of her apartment building.
The sudden rain had made her wet, but with that luggage, she probably couldn’t move right away.
She was probably a little younger than my mother. She seemed mild-mannered. I had never seen her in the area before.
“Ara, who are you?”
“I live here. Are you in trouble?”
” Well, I didn’t know that! So we’ll be neighbors from now on.”
“From now on….”
“I just moved in. My name is Misaki Himiyama. I look forward to working with you.”
“I’m Yukito Kokonoe. So what happened?”
“Eh……? I’m sorry. Can you tell me your name again?”
“My name is Yukito Kokonoe”
“Why is it suddenly an archaic language? ……Kokonoe-kun….are you…..?”
“Do you know me?”
“Uhm…… I’m …….”
Himiyama-san was about to say something, but the rain was starting to get heavier.
“Let’s move first.”
We can’t stay here forever. The situation is obvious without having to ask what is wrong, but it is a kind of courtesy. This is how smooth communication is formed and cannot be taken for granted. I lifted her luggage as if she were troubled, smiling softly, whether she knew of such considerations or not.
“It’s not the time for this.”
“The rain is getting heavier, so let’s hurry. I’ll carry it.”
“I have a lot of luggage. It’s raining suddenly. I’m glad you want to help me, but you want to go home as soon as possible, no? I’m sorry.”
I’m not worried about it. This is another smooth communication (abbreviated)”
“I was having a little trouble …… with the abbreviation. May I ask you for a favor?”
“But of course M’lady”
“Ara ara well well. Kusu. You, you talk very old-fashioned.”
“Really? I’m a JK.”
“JK means high school girl.”
With such an exchange reminiscent of the generation gap, we took the elevator up to the fifth floor and arrived at Himiyama-san’s room.The apartment was located right next to ours, and it was a one-person apartment.
“I’m sorry, you got wet. I’ll get you a towel right away.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“It’s not like that. Can you come up?”
I was nervous to the max because I was suddenly invited to the room of a woman who lived alone, but I didn’t feel any particular tension because her house was filled with cardboard boxes as if she had just moved in. I was relieved. But that’s not the point. I mean look. I’m a man, after all. I try to make excuses for someone.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t finished unpacking and everything. Please sit down. Would you like tea or coffee?”
“Thank you. I’d be happy to have coffee if possible. Did you move in this week, Himiyama-san?”
“Yes, I did. I was worried because I don’t know anyone here, but I’m lucky to have met you so soon.”
She makes me a cup of coffee, but why are you sitting next to me? Normally in such a situation, you would sit in front of me, right? The sweet smell tickled my nostrils. Are these the pheromones of an adult woman? Even though she was much older than me in age, Himiyama-san was very beautiful.
However, my steel mentality would not be shaken by this. I’m amazing.
“Do you live alone?”
“I used to have a fiancée. But the fertility treatment didn’t go well. He was the heir to an inn, so his parents didn’t approve. I really wanted to have children. ……”
Ha? What is this lady talking about? I’ve never met her before. Am I giving off that kind of aura? Come to think of it, something like this happened a while ago with a goddess senpai (I forget her name)…….
“Right. Just maybe if I’d had a baby then, I wouldn’t be alone like this.”
“I see”
I was no longer speaking in katakana. My back was dripping with cold sweat. My life experience was alerting me loudly that I might be in trouble again. If I don’t get out of here right now, I’m going to lose my life. No, my chastity is in danger!
“Besides, I wanted to be a teacher, but I failed.”
“I think a lot of people would be happy if Himiyama-san was their homeroom teacher, though.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Eh?”
“You are serious right?”
She’s coming at me so aggressively! Her purplish eyes were peering at me intently. The eyes are shimmering with a somewhat anxious and fragile look.
“….I think so”
“I see, thanks. if you like, you can be friends with me from now on?”
“T-that is of course …… yes.”
The reply would be awkward, but it would not be good if she realized what was happening. My opponent is a veteran of a hundred battles. I had never been in love before, so there was no way I could beat her. Because she smells so good. Why are you talking so close to me? Does she like me? Of course I’m conscious of you!
“Right, I’ll come by later to say hello to your parents.”
“I-I don’t think you need to worry so much about it. You know, cities are called concrete jungles, and unlike the countryside, there are many cases where you don’t even know who lives next door.”
“That’s not the way it works. You were talking about smooth communication earlier, weren’t you?”
“I have no words to reply.”
“I’ll bring you some noodles.”
“Yes”
I was not a big fan of older women.
“Ara, Who might it be?”
The day after I survived a dangerous Saturday, the chime rings at our house around 19:00. It was Sunday and my mother was at home. She was dressed in a loose cut-and-sewn and leggings, which was too much for my eyes to take in. All I could do was look away. Because buttocks —– and for some reason I’m afraid of the way my sister looks at me, so I shut out my thoughts.
Yes, once again, she has a great style. Is she obsessed with proportions?
“I’ll answer it.”
It was Himiyama-san who came to visit me. Come to think of it, I think she said she would be coming later. I was instantly overcome with a perspiration that I hadn’t felt in a day.
“Good evening, Yukito-kun.”
“It’s been a day since we last met, Himiyama-san.”
I was already getting closer to her without my knowledge. I was wondering when we had become such close friends. It’s a typical pattern of destruction.
“Thanks to you, I’m saved. Thank you. I’m only going to say hello today, but I’ll be sure to thank you later, okay?”
“No, please don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t let that —–“
“Yukito who is it…… and you are?”
“I’m Himiyama-san, I just moved here.”
“Ara. is that so?”
Mom answered. Thank God. I wanted to get out of there, but I was forced to stay because of how we had come to know each other.
Something about Himiyama-san wouldn’t let go of my hand. Why did you hold my hand!
“I hope we have a good time together in the future.”
“Same goes for you. If you have any problems, please visit us anytime.”
“Thank you very much. Bye, Yukito-kun.”
“Yes, you too, Himiyama-san”
Suddenly, she whispered in my ear.
“Thank you, say whatever you want.”
“—-A-Anything? I would take it seriously if you said that. ……”
“I’m fine with whatever you want to do.”
The returns are too enormous for a mere bit of luggage carrying. What the hell is going on?
“Don’t underestimate me. If you spoil me that much, I’ll cuddle you.”
As expected, if I said this much, even Himiyama-san must have distanced herself from me, as if she was uncomfortable.
“It’s okay. Come on.”
The eye-gouging was over in a second. Without any hesitation, she hugged me without any hesitation.
“No, I’m lying. It’s a lie! Wow, it’s so soft! I’m drowning.”
“W-What are you doing?”
Mom, panicked by the sudden outburst, began to pull away, but unexpectedly, Himiyama-san’s hugging power, a.k.a. HG power, was stronger than she had expected.
“Aah~ I don’t care about anything anymore.”
“Yukito, get back to your senses, you’re not going to make it!”
I couldn’t move a muscle. I’m at zero ohms of resistance right now.
“Phew. I’m satisfied.”
After all that trouble, Himiyama-san finally let me go, and for some reason, she seemed to be in a better mood than when she first arrived.
She softly patted me on the head.
“I’m sorry. You were so cute that I treated you like a child. You didn’t like it, did you?”
“Ah. I’ve never been treated like this before, so it’s new for me, and makes an impression on me like a mother. I’m sorry, that was rude.”
“Ufufufu, really? I’m so happy.”
“Oh, thank God, I thought you were offended.”
“I’m not. If you want to be pampered, you can always tell me. I can only do so much.”
“In case you’re wondering, I’m still a high school student now. …… Himiyama-san?”
The expression on her face as if she was worried about something was very impressive.
“I’ll see you later, Yukito-kun. Ouka-san, if you”ll excuse me now, too.”
“Yes, good night.”
Himiyama-san is leaving. Apparently, I had managed to get through the day. Even though we are neighbors, we probably don’t see each other that often. That’s a relief.
My mother was anxiously watching the situation.
[Mother PoV]
“Haa….”
A loud sigh spilled out. I went out on the balcony to cool my head. The cool air was pleasantly caressing my cheeks. Raindrops were wetting the area.
Misaki Himiyama, a woman with a soft personality and easy to talk to. I think she is a nice person. I may have some interaction with her in the future.
But there was something else that clouded my mind as dull as the sky.
“I envy …… you.”
Envy. Longing. Desire. Complex emotions that are a mixture of all kinds.
The last exchange between her and my son, it was like an intimate parent-child relationship. It is also my ideal figure. How happy I would be if I could treat him like that. If I could have such a happy conversation with him, I would surely be able to know more about my son than I do now.
But even that is not possible now. The relationship between mother and son is such that I can only talk about things that are awkward and bland. I couldn’t improve it, I didn’t know how to do it, and it had been weighing me down for a long time.
The camera I bought to take pictures of my children, to watch them grow up, and to take pictures with them, is now covered in dust. When was the last time we went out together? The three of us, parents and children. I couldn’t even protect the bond between the three of us.
I can’t get that line out of my head. He said, “I’ve never had anyone do this to me before,” and “makes an impression on me like a mother.” What am I then?
Can I confidently call myself a mother? I wondered when was the last time I was pampering my son, but no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was all in vain. That child has never been spoiled before.
I never looked at him, never asked him anything, never let him say anything. It was my foolishness in the past that made him do so.
Somewhere along the way, this became the norm, and my son no longer asked me for anything. What I saw in his eyes was resignation. He expected nothing, asked for nothing, and gave up on everything.
It was my fault for making him that way. By the time I realized it, it was too late and I could say that everything that happened afterwards was my fault, that I was the source.
And little by little, the relationship breaks down, the relationship grows weaker, and we grow apart. Someone gets hurt, he gets hurt, and he doesn’t even realize it. What will happen if things continue as they are? Maybe everything will not be ready in time.
Anxiety gripped my heart. I shook my head. If I looked directly at my feelings, they were much uglier and simpler. I was genuinely jealous of the interaction between the two of them at that moment. The fear that dwelled in a corner of my heart.
Could it be that she was going to steal my son?
I must admit that I felt that somewhere in me. It couldn’t be true. He is my precious son by blood, no doubt. But, as long as I am related to him by blood, does that make me his mother? I had my own doubts. In fact, I could say that it is the only thing that proves it.
Perhaps I am not considered a mother. Otherwise, would I have questioned the theory that I had picked him up under a bridge in all seriousness?
I am sure that he thinks he is unloved. That much is certain. No matter how much I deny it with words, my past attitude will not allow it.
The love that should have been given to him, and which he was supposed to enjoy, is missing and lacking. Emotions have not been nurtured. A heart that has withered without watering. The result was now.
I wonder if she, Misaki Himiyama, would be able to give him that kind of love. I must have met her only once, but somehow I felt that her eyes were filled with affection. Also, she was strangely goofy to my son. I can’t forgive her for that, even though I would like to.
But if I am not the one who is trying to give affection, then maybe I am no longer of use to my son.
No, I don’t want to do that–! Such a vague fear.
What is it that I’ve been working for? It’s because I have a family that I love more than anything else. I don’t want to give him up. I don’t want to give up on him as a mother. Passions swirl in my heart. A family of only three. That has been my only support ever since I made that decision. There was no way I could go on like this with my regrets.
My work settled down and I no longer needed to come to work. I was lucky that I switched to working from home, which gave me significantly more time to be at home. Perhaps this was my last chance. The last to straighten out the relationship I have been turning away from and face it head on.
If I missed this opportunity, this time it would really be too late. I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that it was still not too late. That I could still make up for it. That I would be able to start over.
But—–it is too steep.
Chapter 5: Volume 1 - CH 2.2
Translator: Soafp
TL: I forgot to translate this part.
“Why does God want to put me through all these trials ……”
I was stupefied and staring at the blackboard. Last night, I suddenly changed into a more environmentally conscious person, and decided to start with what I could do, which was to replace all my mechanical pencils with regular pencils. I was trying to reduce the amount of plastic. I was smiling and happy at the time, but after class started, I realized that I had not sharpened them.
These pencils aren’t sharpened. Why doesn’t anyone have a pencil sharpener? There were three brand-new pencils that had not been sharpened at all. I was helpless. Unsharpened pencils are as worthless as cryptocurrency, without a buyer. The only use for such a thing is to roll it around and play with it.
Thanks to this, I haven’t been able to take any notes in my morning classes. You’d think I could just borrow a writing utensil, right? But it’s too difficult for me, a loner in the shadows. Besides, if I have to borrow a mechanical pencil to use it, I am not environmentally conscious in the first place. That’s why I had to go to the store.
As I was getting up, someone stopped me.
“Yukito, would you like to have lunch with me?”
“No, thanks.”
I couldn’t help but speak in Kyoto dialect, yet Kyoto and I have nothing to do with each other.
In the past, I had been there once, but all I heard was the voices of foreign tourists, which made me wonder if I was in Japan.
I don’t care about that, but I have no need to check who the voice belongs to. There is no way I could have misheard this voice. It is Suzurikawa, the name of the person I have spent so much time with. A dull ache runs through my body at the name.
“Suzurikawa, don’t try to get involved with me.”
“W-Why? We are classmates, right? And we’ve known each other since childhood.”
“That was a long time ago. It’s different now.”
“Why do you say that? That’s just Yukito making up your own mind, right?”
Hinagi Suzurikawa. A childhood friend who I once had a crush on. I was the one who I embarrassingly mistakenly thought I was in love with her. I was the pathetic clown who tried to confess my feelings for her, but was rejected before I could do so.
“Suzurikawa, please eat with someone else. It’s bad for your boyfriend, so don’t worry about me.”
“—-!”
“Can’t you even allow me to do this ……?”
“I’m doing this for your own good, Suzurikawa. If it were me, I wouldn’t feel very good about my girlfriend being friendly with the opposite sex. You wouldn’t like it if your boyfriend was hanging out with another girl, would you?”
“That’s why I–!”
That was the very reason I ended my childhood friendship with Suzurikawa. No man would be so narrow-minded as to be jealous of a classmate having lunch together, but when it is a childhood friend of the opposite sex, it is a different story.
I can’t be with her when she chooses someone else.
Seeing me so close to a childhood friend of the opposite sex is bound to make her boyfriend uneasy.
Besides, Suzuriakwa really likes her boyfriend. They even did something like that right after they started dating. That’s how close they are.
If that is the case, all I can do is keep my distance from her and try not to get in her way. I don’t know why Suzuriakwa doesn’t realize how simple this is. There is no way we can stay in our original relationship.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go to the store now.”
I want Suzuriakwa to be happy because I used to love her. That is my honest feeling, and I cannot be the cause of a catastrophe if I wish that. There is no place for a pathetic man with a broken heart. I am the one who should not approach Suzurikawa. I am not the one to stand next to her.
Besides, what about now? Do I still love her?
Maybe the day when I will understand that —– will never come.
[Third person PoV]
The class was buzzing with excitement after the bombshell with Yukito Kokonoe.
“Eh, does Suzurikawa-san have a boyfriend?
“After all, with a beauty like that, she must have a boyfriend…….”
“Eeh? I was aiming for her.”
“Is he from this school?”
“Oh, that reminds me, when I was in junior high school, Suzurikawa-san…”
“—-STOP IT! Sorry, please …… don’t say anything…..”
A cry similar to a scream tore through the air in the classroom. It was rejection. It is a strong will that does not allow anyone to talk about it. Trying to haggle, she was in denial about everything.
“S-sorry, Suzurikawa-san”
The classroom was completely quiet. Lunch break. A heavy silence prevails, which is not befitting a time that is normally bright and bustling with activity.
“It’s my fault. ……It’s all my fault. ……–“
No one heard the small voice of Suzuriakwa as she let out a small sound.
Why did I buy two Anpan of all things? Don’t people usually choose different flavors? I can only say it was youthful indiscretion. The eternal mystery was lying closer to home than I had expected. The cafeteria was already full of people. I went outside to find a quiet place where I could be alone and found a fire escape. The perfect spot for me, a gloomy person, right? Let’s do it here, I thought.
“—Souma-san, please go out with me.”
In the ideal world I arrived at, confessions were being made. Is this a confession spot? If so, the utopia has already collapsed, but it’s the first time I’ve seen a confession scene, so it’s unusual. However, I don’t care as much about other people’s love lives. I don’t have the guts to be an onlooker. For the time being, I ignored the whole exchange and sat down on the stairs.
Fuu. Two sweet breads were a mistake, after all. By the way, I use the school cafeteria twice a week. My mom is busy, so I make my own lunch for three days, but it’s too much of a hassle to do it every day, so I compromise. Naturally, I make lunch for my sister as well. I casually suggested that it might be a good idea if she made the lunches for the other days, and she gave me 5,000 yen for it. It was a bribe. And she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. Well, I don’t mind if my sister, who is not very good at cooking, does it, since it will only result in disappointment.
“Uhm, ……, what can we do for you?”
For some reason, the man who had just confessed to her spoke to me. He seemed to be a senior student.
“I’m sorry, we’ve never met before, right? I don’t have any business with you.”
“Uhm ……, you are …….”
I don’t know what you’re talking about for a minute. Wasn’t I involved in the first place?
What made you think I had something to do with you? Do you need to involve me in your confession at such an important time?
“Then what are you doing here?”
” Ah, that is what you mean! I was simply looking for a place where I could be alone and relax, and that’s how I ended up here. I’m a loner, so you can treat me as if I’m not here. I’m as tight-lipped as a Mitsubishi-Armadillo. Go ahead, go on, go on.”
He twisted and turned his head in a manner that seemed to indicate he didn’t get it, but reluctantly agreed to go on. I was not only not really concerned about it, but it was also unimportant to me, so I had to be convinced.
The senior (male) and senior (female) are having a tense exchange while glancing at each other. I don’t think they need to be concerned about me, who only has the presence of helium in the air, but that’s why I’m so petty.
“I-I’m sorry.” Glance (sfx)
“May I ask why?” Glance
My mouth was too sweet with red bean paste, and my body was in desperate need of water. In such a case, milk is the best. I’m actually trying to grow taller.
“Uhm….I don’t know you that well.” Glance
“How about going out with me to get to know me? Or is there someone you like?” Glance
“It’s not like that, but I’m sorry.” Glance
“Haa. I understand. I give up. Thank you for coming.” Glance
It seems that the meeting is over. The senior (male) is leaving. It finally seems to be quiet. Even if he is a senior, he is guilty of interrupting the relaxing space that I had just discovered.
Then, for some reason, a woman sits down next to me. No, you go back to your class as soon as possible.
“Haa. I’m in trouble, aren’t I? This thing”
“I’m the one who’s in trouble now.”
“Hahaha. What are you really doing here? Don’t tell me you’re confessing to me too?”
“You’ve got a big ego, Senpai.”
“I don’t know him very well. I don’t know that guy well earlier either. When someone confesses something to me when I don’t know them, I don’t know what to say.”
“Oi oi, you started talking when no one was listening.”
“A-Are you really a junior? Remorseless? Aren’t seniors supposed to be respectful?”
“Compared to the mystery of the two Anpan, I have no interest in it.”
“Am I losing to Anpans…..?”
“It’s fine. Why don’t you listen to me for a little bit? After all, you’re coming to a place like this. You’re probably just a shy guy who doesn’t have any friends, right?”
“You’re a self-centered senpai!”
“I-I’m sorry, are you mad at me?”
“No, a self-promoting senior is a good person. I’m impressed because I’m surrounded by people who won’t admit I’m a loner.”
“Well, suddenly I don’t want to admit it either.”
“That’s not true, you self-centered, Senpai.”
“I mean, can you stop that? It’s the most embarrassing thing ever.”
“Then would you rather be a craving for the limelight Senpai?”
“None of it! What in the world are you?
“What should I call you then——ah nevermind, I’m not interested”
“I’m so angry! It kind of pisses me off a lot!”
The atmosphere of this person has changed from the time when the senior (male) was there earlier.
“I’m Kyouka Souma. I’m a second-year student, so I’m looking forward to working with you.”
“Why didn’t I choose cream buns?”
“Listen to me! Please be more interested in me than the Anpan!
“Alright. ……”
“It is as if I’m the bad guy?! Come on, what’s your name?”
“My name is Yukito Kokonoe”
“Heeh. So you’re Kokonoe-kun. Come to think of it, there’s one in second year too.”
“Eh? You are the younger brother of that Yuuri Kokonoe?”
“I think we need to have a DNA test done.”
“I’m afraid I can’t laugh at your self-deprecation, so let’s keep it to a minimum, okay?”
“Yes.”
I am not self-deprecating, but I can’t say anything careless because I don’t know what I will do to my sister if I tell her this.
“Fuunn. Will you continue to come here?”
“Sometimes I eat in the classroom, so maybe once or twice a week.”
“I see. Then I’ll come here once in a while.”
“What a pain in the *ss ……. Oh, in a good way.”
“Saying “in a good way” doesn’t mean you’re allowed to do whatever you want!”
“I didn’t realize that. …… I’m learning a lot.”
“I was feeling a little down, but after talking to you, I think I feel better. Thanks.”
“Can I have a consultation fee?”
“Ahaha. I understand. I’ll buy you a cream bun next time.”
“Goddess ……. I’ll call you Goddess Senpai from now on.”
“Will you stop it!? I’m afraid you might actually call me that, because you don’t seem like the type who can take a joke.”
“My whole life has been a joke, you know”
“That’s why it’s not funny!”
In the end, I had to talk with my senpai until the end of the lunch break, and my plan to be a shady little boy was once again foiled. I wonder when I will be able to achieve my goal, and I just want a quiet school life.
Let me be clear. It’s really heavy. If you include the lens, how many kilos does it weigh in total? I don’t know why she didn’t choose an APS-C camera, or why she didn’t go for a lightweight mirrorless camera. But the full-size digital SLR camera, which she doesn’t carry around very often, due to its poor handling, has become a treasure trove in my home now. In addition, she has five lenses, including single-focus lenses. It’s a waste of money.
“I’m going to start working from home. I’ll only have to go into the office once or twice a week, so I’ll have more time to spend at home.”
She is smiling. She was full of joy, laughing, and in a rare good mood. My mother, Ouka Kokonoe-san, suddenly said something like that.
Perhaps it is the change in social conditions, or perhaps it is the fact that more and more schools are temporarily closed, and the days are becoming more and more unsettled. But I don’t know the correct answer to that question, so I just give a few words of encouragement.
“Heeh”
“I’m glad that my workload will be reduced overall, and I’ll be able to spend more time with you guys.”
“Fuun. Good. So you’ll be making lunch for us now?”
“Of course. I’m sorry I’ve left it up to you.”
“Don’t worry about it, you’re working.”
I questioned the conversation between my sister and my mother. What? I don’t know why I feel like my lines are being taken away from me right now, but maybe it’s just my imagination. In our house, I am in charge of making lunch boxes. I should be the one to say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But I’m not a man who is so coy as to appeal to such a thing. I have a heart as big as the Seto Inland Sea. I can only hope that Yuuri will take this opportunity to learn housework from my mother and become proficient at it. I’m sure she’ll have no trouble finding someone to take her in because she’s so beautiful. Except for her …… personality. That’s not right. Something is killing me. ……
“Did you just think of something rude?”
“No, not at all.”
If my mom is going to spend more time at home, there’s only so much I can do. Like a trained bear in a circus, I would just go along with it.
It was a Saturday on the weekend when such an exchange took place. On the way home from the electronics store, astonished at the improved performance of mirrorless cameras, an unexpected rainstorm hit.
They didn’t say it was going to rain today! As I was sending resentful and vindictive thoughts to the weather forecast, I spotted a woman with a troubled look on her face carrying a large package in front of her apartment building.
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“Is there something wrong?”The sudden rain had made her wet, but with that luggage, she probably couldn’t move right away.
She was probably a little younger than my mother. She seemed mild-mannered. I had never seen her in the area before.
“I live here. Are you in trouble?”
” Well, I didn’t know that! So we’ll be neighbors from now on.”
“From now on….”
“I just moved in. My name is Misaki Himiyama. I look forward to working with you.”
“I’m Yukito Kokonoe. So what happened?”
“Eh……? I’m sorry. Can you tell me your name again?”
“My name is Yukito Kokonoe”
“Why is it suddenly an archaic language? ……Kokonoe-kun….are you…..?”
“Do you know me?”
“Uhm…… I’m …….”
Himiyama-san was about to say something, but the rain was starting to get heavier.
“Let’s move first.”
We can’t stay here forever. The situation is obvious without having to ask what is wrong, but it is a kind of courtesy. This is how smooth communication is formed and cannot be taken for granted. I lifted her luggage as if she were troubled, smiling softly, whether she knew of such considerations or not.
“It’s not the time for this.”
“The rain is getting heavier, so let’s hurry. I’ll carry it.”
“I have a lot of luggage. It’s raining suddenly. I’m glad you want to help me, but you want to go home as soon as possible, no? I’m sorry.”
I’m not worried about it. This is another smooth communication (abbreviated)”
“I was having a little trouble …… with the abbreviation. May I ask you for a favor?”
“But of course M’lady”
“Really? I’m a JK.”
“JK means high school girl.”
With such an exchange reminiscent of the generation gap, we took the elevator up to the fifth floor and arrived at Himiyama-san’s room.The apartment was located right next to ours, and it was a one-person apartment.
“I’m sorry, you got wet. I’ll get you a towel right away.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“It’s not like that. Can you come up?”
I was nervous to the max because I was suddenly invited to the room of a woman who lived alone, but I didn’t feel any particular tension because her house was filled with cardboard boxes as if she had just moved in. I was relieved. But that’s not the point. I mean look. I’m a man, after all. I try to make excuses for someone.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t finished unpacking and everything. Please sit down. Would you like tea or coffee?”
“Thank you. I’d be happy to have coffee if possible. Did you move in this week, Himiyama-san?”
“Yes, I did. I was worried because I don’t know anyone here, but I’m lucky to have met you so soon.”
She makes me a cup of coffee, but why are you sitting next to me? Normally in such a situation, you would sit in front of me, right? The sweet smell tickled my nostrils. Are these the pheromones of an adult woman? Even though she was much older than me in age, Himiyama-san was very beautiful.
However, my steel mentality would not be shaken by this. I’m amazing.
“Do you live alone?”
“I used to have a fiancée. But the fertility treatment didn’t go well. He was the heir to an inn, so his parents didn’t approve. I really wanted to have children. ……”
Ha? What is this lady talking about? I’ve never met her before. Am I giving off that kind of aura? Come to think of it, something like this happened a while ago with a goddess senpai (I forget her name)…….
“Right. Just maybe if I’d had a baby then, I wouldn’t be alone like this.”
“I see”
I was no longer speaking in katakana. My back was dripping with cold sweat. My life experience was alerting me loudly that I might be in trouble again. If I don’t get out of here right now, I’m going to lose my life. No, my chastity is in danger!
“Besides, I wanted to be a teacher, but I failed.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Eh?”
“You are serious right?”
She’s coming at me so aggressively! Her purplish eyes were peering at me intently. The eyes are shimmering with a somewhat anxious and fragile look.
“….I think so”
“I see, thanks. if you like, you can be friends with me from now on?”
“T-that is of course …… yes.”
The reply would be awkward, but it would not be good if she realized what was happening. My opponent is a veteran of a hundred battles. I had never been in love before, so there was no way I could beat her. Because she smells so good. Why are you talking so close to me? Does she like me? Of course I’m conscious of you!
“Right, I’ll come by later to say hello to your parents.”
“I-I don’t think you need to worry so much about it. You know, cities are called concrete jungles, and unlike the countryside, there are many cases where you don’t even know who lives next door.”
“That’s not the way it works. You were talking about smooth communication earlier, weren’t you?”
“I have no words to reply.”
“I’ll bring you some noodles.”
“Yes”
I was not a big fan of older women.
“Ara, Who might it be?”
The day after I survived a dangerous Saturday, the chime rings at our house around 19:00. It was Sunday and my mother was at home. She was dressed in a loose cut-and-sewn and leggings, which was too much for my eyes to take in. All I could do was look away. Because buttocks —– and for some reason I’m afraid of the way my sister looks at me, so I shut out my thoughts.
Yes, once again, she has a great style. Is she obsessed with proportions?
“I’ll answer it.”
“Good evening, Yukito-kun.”
“It’s been a day since we last met, Himiyama-san.”
I was already getting closer to her without my knowledge. I was wondering when we had become such close friends. It’s a typical pattern of destruction.
“Thanks to you, I’m saved. Thank you. I’m only going to say hello today, but I’ll be sure to thank you later, okay?”
“No, please don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t let that —–“
“Yukito who is it…… and you are?”
“I’m Himiyama-san, I just moved here.”
“Ara. is that so?”
Mom answered. Thank God. I wanted to get out of there, but I was forced to stay because of how we had come to know each other.
Something about Himiyama-san wouldn’t let go of my hand. Why did you hold my hand!
“I hope we have a good time together in the future.”
“Same goes for you. If you have any problems, please visit us anytime.”
“Thank you very much. Bye, Yukito-kun.”
“Yes, you too, Himiyama-san”
Suddenly, she whispered in my ear.
“Thank you, say whatever you want.”
“—-A-Anything? I would take it seriously if you said that. ……”
“I’m fine with whatever you want to do.”
“Don’t underestimate me. If you spoil me that much, I’ll cuddle you.”
As expected, if I said this much, even Himiyama-san must have distanced herself from me, as if she was uncomfortable.
“It’s okay. Come on.”
The eye-gouging was over in a second. Without any hesitation, she hugged me without any hesitation.
“No, I’m lying. It’s a lie! Wow, it’s so soft! I’m drowning.”
“W-What are you doing?”
Mom, panicked by the sudden outburst, began to pull away, but unexpectedly, Himiyama-san’s hugging power, a.k.a. HG power, was stronger than she had expected.
“Aah~ I don’t care about anything anymore.”
“Yukito, get back to your senses, you’re not going to make it!”
I couldn’t move a muscle. I’m at zero ohms of resistance right now.
“Phew. I’m satisfied.”
After all that trouble, Himiyama-san finally let me go, and for some reason, she seemed to be in a better mood than when she first arrived.
She softly patted me on the head.
“I’m sorry. You were so cute that I treated you like a child. You didn’t like it, did you?”
“Ah. I’ve never been treated like this before, so it’s new for me, and makes an impression on me like a mother. I’m sorry, that was rude.”
“Ufufufu, really? I’m so happy.”
“Oh, thank God, I thought you were offended.”
“I’m not. If you want to be pampered, you can always tell me. I can only do so much.”
“In case you’re wondering, I’m still a high school student now. …… Himiyama-san?”
“I’ll see you later, Yukito-kun. Ouka-san, if you”ll excuse me now, too.”
“Yes, good night.”
Himiyama-san is leaving. Apparently, I had managed to get through the day. Even though we are neighbors, we probably don’t see each other that often. That’s a relief.
My mother was anxiously watching the situation.
[Mother PoV]
“Haa….”
A loud sigh spilled out. I went out on the balcony to cool my head. The cool air was pleasantly caressing my cheeks. Raindrops were wetting the area.
Misaki Himiyama, a woman with a soft personality and easy to talk to. I think she is a nice person. I may have some interaction with her in the future.
But there was something else that clouded my mind as dull as the sky.
“I envy …… you.”
Envy. Longing. Desire. Complex emotions that are a mixture of all kinds.
The last exchange between her and my son, it was like an intimate parent-child relationship. It is also my ideal figure. How happy I would be if I could treat him like that. If I could have such a happy conversation with him, I would surely be able to know more about my son than I do now.
But even that is not possible now. The relationship between mother and son is such that I can only talk about things that are awkward and bland. I couldn’t improve it, I didn’t know how to do it, and it had been weighing me down for a long time.
The camera I bought to take pictures of my children, to watch them grow up, and to take pictures with them, is now covered in dust. When was the last time we went out together? The three of us, parents and children. I couldn’t even protect the bond between the three of us.
I can’t get that line out of my head. He said, “I’ve never had anyone do this to me before,” and “makes an impression on me like a mother.” What am I then?
Can I confidently call myself a mother? I wondered when was the last time I was pampering my son, but no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was all in vain. That child has never been spoiled before.
I never looked at him, never asked him anything, never let him say anything. It was my foolishness in the past that made him do so.
Somewhere along the way, this became the norm, and my son no longer asked me for anything. What I saw in his eyes was resignation. He expected nothing, asked for nothing, and gave up on everything.
It was my fault for making him that way. By the time I realized it, it was too late and I could say that everything that happened afterwards was my fault, that I was the source.
Anxiety gripped my heart. I shook my head. If I looked directly at my feelings, they were much uglier and simpler. I was genuinely jealous of the interaction between the two of them at that moment. The fear that dwelled in a corner of my heart.
Could it be that she was going to steal my son?
I must admit that I felt that somewhere in me. It couldn’t be true. He is my precious son by blood, no doubt. But, as long as I am related to him by blood, does that make me his mother? I had my own doubts. In fact, I could say that it is the only thing that proves it.
Perhaps I am not considered a mother. Otherwise, would I have questioned the theory that I had picked him up under a bridge in all seriousness?
I am sure that he thinks he is unloved. That much is certain. No matter how much I deny it with words, my past attitude will not allow it.
The love that should have been given to him, and which he was supposed to enjoy, is missing and lacking. Emotions have not been nurtured. A heart that has withered without watering. The result was now.
I wonder if she, Misaki Himiyama, would be able to give him that kind of love. I must have met her only once, but somehow I felt that her eyes were filled with affection. Also, she was strangely goofy to my son. I can’t forgive her for that, even though I would like to.
But if I am not the one who is trying to give affection, then maybe I am no longer of use to my son.
No, I don’t want to do that–! Such a vague fear.
What is it that I’ve been working for? It’s because I have a family that I love more than anything else. I don’t want to give him up. I don’t want to give up on him as a mother. Passions swirl in my heart. A family of only three. That has been my only support ever since I made that decision. There was no way I could go on like this with my regrets.
My work settled down and I no longer needed to come to work. I was lucky that I switched to working from home, which gave me significantly more time to be at home. Perhaps this was my last chance. The last to straighten out the relationship I have been turning away from and face it head on.
If I missed this opportunity, this time it would really be too late. I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that it was still not too late. That I could still make up for it. That I would be able to start over.
But—–it is too steep.
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