Chapter 41: mental consistency

Posted on June 26, 2021by Soafp

　Mom is still in her suit, as if she just got home from her work. Her expression was grim. She seemed to be in a bad mood, but that didn’t mean I had anything to hide of, so I answered honestly.

“This old man wants to take me in if Oka-san doesn’t want me.” (Yuki)

“No more words……” (Mother)

“There’s nothing I can do to fix it. So, what do you think, Mom?　I don’t really care either way—-” (Yuki)

“DON’T SCREW WITH ME!” (Mother)

　A voice filled with anger rang out in the air. My mother came close and took my hand.

“Let’s go home. You don’t need to listen to that man. Don’t you ever come near my children again!” (Mother)

“Wait, wait!　Let me tell you something.” (Shiun)

　My mother took me by the hand and we walked away, leaving the old man speechless. We didn’t even look back, we just went home with few words and anger on our faces.

After dinner, I sat alone in my empty room, thinking. Mom’s mood hadn’t improved since we arrived home. I was distressed. Despite my appearance, I’ve never seen my mother like that. In fact, I haven’t done anything to get her angry. I’m not even aware that I’ve done anything wrong, so it would be strange for me to apologize. There’s no point in apologizing for something you didn’t do. But the fact is that my mother is angry. I guess I should just go ahead and grind a sesame seed. [TL: To flatter someone]

　It’s said that in Japanese society, it’s easier to survive if you can get your boss to like you than if you have the skills. As I was thinking about this, there was a knock on the door. My mother is the only one in this house who has the common sense to knock on the door. My sister on the other hand….

“What’s wrong?” (Yuki)

“I just want to talk to you.” (Mother)

　Mom comes in with sweets and juice. She took a bath, and she’s all warm and steamy. This is not good, this is not good. But there’s no time to think about it. I decided to play sesame without mercy.

“You look beautiful these days, Mom. I’m happy for you.” (Yuki)

“Is that so?　Something wrong?” (Mother)

“It’s just my opinion.” (Yuki)

“That may be so, but ……” (Mother)

“You’re too pretty for me.” (Yuki)

“Fufu~. Is there something you want me to do for you?　Sure. I’ll do anything you want.” (Mother)

“Oops. I think I stepped on an unnecessary land mine.” (Yuki)

“If I get sweaty or dirty, I can just take a bath again.” (Mother)

“Scary, scary, scary!　What are you doing?” (Yuki)

“We’ll talk about that later on …… okay?” (Mother)

“I don’t like it when you say it in such a cute way. But ……. I think you’re beautiful all the time, not just lately. Did you find someone you like at work by any chance?” (Yuki)

“I don’t …… have anyone like that.” (Mother)

　She sits down next to me. Why next to me?　Isn’t it hard to talk?

“What did that man say to you today?” (Mother)

“There was nothing more to say than what I said right there. All he said was that since Oka-san didn’t seem to want me, he might want to take me in.” she said.” (Yuki)

“Is that what the man said?” (Mother)

“Yeah” (Yuki)

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Although he didn’t say it that specifically, but there should be no mistake in his general understanding. Mom’s face became plainly angry and then immediately became sad.

“Have you ever seen him before?” (Mother)

“It’s the first time we’ve met, but now that he’s shown up, he’s no different than a stranger.” (Yuki)

“I’m sorry. I should have told you the truth.” (Mother)

“I’m not really that interested.” (Yuki)

It’s too late to ask what happened between him and my mother. The past is the past, and there is nothing I can do about it, just as it is too late for me to say he was my father. My mother seemed to be concerned about it, so I told her in detail what I had heard from the old man. He had already remarried, and the daughter of his second marriage partner was a senpai at the same high school. And that things aren’t going well with the girl. He wants to take me in. That the old man is suspicious. I told her everything.

“What’s that? He’s just trying to use you. He’s the only one I won’t tolerate. ……” (Mother)

“As for me, I’m fine with that. I’ve caused my mother a lot of trouble in the past.” (Yuki)

“Why are you apologizing?　Do you hate me?” (Mother)

“It’s not like that. ……” (Yuki)

“I will never let you go. Let’s live together like before? Or do you hate me?” (Mother)

　Mom’s gaze wavers uneasily. Then she clings to me gently and sweetly, as if it were a flirtatious gesture. Even though we are sitting right beside each other and the distance between us is very close, she pulls me even closer to her. Mom’s hand slowly caresses my cheek.

“How could I not want you?　If you go to that man, even If he tries to take it from me, I’ll kill the man who told you to do it.” (Mother)

“You’re overreacting.” (Yuki)

　Eeeeeeh, you’re lying!　Please tell me it’s not true, mom!　The statement is so disturbing that it scares me. I can’t help but feel as if her eyes, with their lights gone, are telling me that it’s not a lie. Mom’s body is trembling. I wonder if she’s suppressing her anger or if it’s because she’s sad, but it’s summer. I don’t think it’s because it’s cold. I don’t know what to do, so I try to hug her to calm her down.

“I won’t go if you tell me not to. Is that okay with you?” (Yuki)

“I can’t stand the thought of you being gone again after we got to talk like this.…… I know it’s my fault. I don’t want to let you go without making up for my sins of neglecting you.”

　I made her cry again. If this continues, the day will soon come when I’ll have to list making my mother cry as a special skill on my resume. But there was something that bothered me more than anything.

“Do you want to live with me because you think it’s a sin?” (Yuki)

“No, no!　That’s not true. I’m sorry!　That’s not what I meant. It’s not that. It’s that I want to be with you—-.” (Mother)

“All right, all right, then give me a little less strength …… and elasticity in your chest …….” (Yuki)

“It’s just the three of us, me, Yuri and Yukito that want to live together. No,…… I don’t want to use you for me,……. I’m not like that guy!” (Mother)

“Why did you get on my lap, Mom? your butt is soft too. Oh, crap.” (Yuki)

　My true feelings were leaking out. She leaned forward and hugged me tightly. Noooooooo, breasts at the front gate, buttocks at the back gate. My rational mind is in crisis!　Am I a pervert?

My mom hurriedly repeated her words as if she was trying to make up for something, but I think she meant it. It’s because of this that my mother and sister are overly concerned about me. And no matter how much I say I don’t care, it will never make them feel better. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t do anything about it, because it’s not up to me to forgive them, it’s up to them.

　In retrospect, there have been many times when that has happened. If I rejected Shiori’s confession, would she stop caring about me? I don’t think so. Shiori would still try to get involved. It’s because she feels guilty and indebted to me. But that would be too painful for her.

　It’s the same with President Keido. She’s always saying outrageous things, but it’s only because she feels guilty. That’s exactly why Mikumo-senpai, who is supposed to be uncomfortable with men, is approaching me, and the same goes for Tojo-senpai. Even Sanjoji-sensei isn’t usually like that.

　The relationship between me and the girls is no longer equal. It’s a cowardly relationship that only gives me an advantage. If I ask for something, they might accept it. But is that what “love” is all about?

　Finally, I realize.

Back then, when I was in the eighth grade, the reason why I liked Hinagi was because we were equal childhood friends. We just shared the same time together without any hesitation. So what about now?　What about us? I can’t do it anymore. As long as she holds onto the sin of lying, as long as she can’t get rid of it, our relationship can’t move forward. We can’t even go back to being old childhood friends in a distorted way.

　What can I do?　What can I do for them?　Is there anything I can do?　Is it really possible for me to help them deal with the trauma they are going through?　They are asking for my forgiveness. But I have forgiven them from the beginning, and it is they themselves who have not forgiven them. That’s what I think.

　Is this feeling “love” or “sin”?

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