Chapter 80: Ryoka Sanjoji

[Ryoka Sanjoji PoV this whole chapter] [This happened after glassboy]

“I look terrible. ……” (Sanjoji)

　Ryoka Sanjoji muttered to herself as she looked at the dull expression on her face in the mirror.

　I feel as if I’ve aged all at once. I’m not in a good mood even though it’s before work.

I try to get as much sleep as I can, but I can’t seem to sleep well. Every day, I feel like I’m going through a hard day’s work. To be fair, it is my own fault, and I have no excuse for it.

　But perhaps it was for the best. My flimsy sense of justice was shattered. No one will ever be able to hear me if I just say beautiful things. Thinking back, this moment may be the first time in my life that I am facing education in a proper way.

　It has been a while since Misaki Himiyama, an internship student, left. I am still in touch with her. She has given up her career as a teacher. I feel sorry for her. If she had gone to another class or another school, she would have continued her career as a teacher.

　I twisted her destiny. A turning point in my life, or perhaps a dark turning point?

　I was shallow. I took everything lightly and kept making the wrong choices.

　Looking back, I have never been in clear conflict with anyone in my life. I had never been in a fight. When I was a child, of course there were people I didn’t like. But even so, I have never been the target of a bully, nor have I ever been a part of a bully.

　So, I don’t know. How can I repair the relationship?

　I asked myself over and over again.

–Can a reconciliation really take place?

　The atmosphere in the class is terrible. There is no sign of improvement.

　I have tried everything, but all in vain.

　In the first place, what happened in class was nothing but bullying. It was just an attempt to be unreasonable, and it was turned back on us. They tried to hurt him unilaterally and got smashed. That’s all.

　Can that be called a fight? Assuming it is a fight, there is the phrase “kenka ryosei” (fight and defeat), but does it solve anything by defeating someone? I don’t know. I don’t even know what to do or if there is a solution.

　Besides, I thought that I was the one who should be punished. I had no choice but to accept that this time I was suffering was the punishment I had been given.

There may be no way to reconcile.

　My heart flows with weakness.

　I must admit it. It is resignation, that’s not it. The answer is a correct perception of reality. Overwhelming realism. There is no such thing as reconciliation, no such thing as restoring a relationship. Neither is there a naive ideal that says that if simply by apologizing and shaking hands, everything can be put to rest. Emotional friction is not something that can be resolved with a single word.

Tell them to apologize to him?

Urge his classmates to apologize?

　None of those things would solve anything.

He would never forgive us for damaging them personal belongings, especially if they apologized. His textbooks have been replaced and made brand new. The graffiti on his desk has been erased and neatly restored. However, there was no way to undo the damage they had done to his mother’s work. What we did cannot be undone.

　If his mother made the same thing again, it would never be the same again. By talking, we can understand each other. Both parties apologize and reconcile. Such words sounded like nothing more than a beautiful thing now.

　If we could understand each other by talking, there would be no war. If apologies were all it took to reconcile, there would be no need for fines or fees. The only way to reward people is with money. Despite the fact that I know firsthand that this is the reality, I still teach children lies in the name of ideals. They do not realize that this is a sin.

　Isn’t that what education is supposed to teach? The ideals and view of education that I had held myself are becoming more and more diluted and doubtful.

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　Suddenly, I remember. When I was a university student, I was angry at the laxity of sex education in schools. I thought that the damage was not being eliminated because they were covering up the stink and pretending not to see it. Was I not supposed to see such education as a problem, like raising a child in a sterile room……

　My body trembles. I can’t bear the thought that my choices, my words, might close off the possibilities for future children. Leading them in the right direction. I cannot see which direction is the right one. I am groping in the dark.

At least I am the war criminal who has already closed the future of Misaki Himiyama, and I have hurt him, Yukito Kokonoe, a lot.

　And Kazuhiro Okamoto was moved out of the class. I could not even save him. Talking to his parents, they are thinking of transferring him to a different school. I still have no sense of reality. Normally, this was not an incident that would have caused such a big commotion.

　Everyone was just unhappy.

It was hurtful and damaging.

　Misaki Himiyama is not to blame. She is tormented by the guilt that she is the one who is an unfit teacher.

“Coo?” (Dog)

“Sorry, I’m okay” (Sanjoji)

A puppy came to my feet and I petted it, perhaps worried that I was drooping in front of the mirror. I bought this puppy as a mood-lifter when I was feeling helplessly depressed and in pain.

　If it were not for Inukichi, I might have been more depressed. Touching Inukichi is the only thing that soothes me now.

　I check my watch. I must get out of the house soon to be on time. As a teacher, I can’t be late. This is one of the hardest parts of being a teacher. When teaching children the importance of punctuality, teachers cannot afford to be sloppy themselves, as they are the role models.

　I slapped both cheeks to get into the spirit.

　With heavy steps, Ryoka Sanjoji headed for the school.

“Sanjoji-sensei, take this.” (Vice principle)

　I was handed a printout in the staff room. I quickly skimmed through it and remembered something I had forgotten in the recent flurry of activity.

“Sports day ……?　Come to think of it, it’s that time of year.” (Sanjioji)

“I know it must be tough, Sanjoji-sensei. Why don’t you take advantage of this opportunity?” (Vice principle)

“Vice Principal ……?” (Sanjioji)

　The situation in Sanjoji’s class is well known. It was a situation that could have become a big problem for the school if they had made just one mistake in handling it. I somehow guessed what the vice principal was trying to say when he showed up.

“Can we unite together ……?” (Sanjioji)

“I don’t know, but you can’t keep this up forever. Isn’t it worth a try?” (Vice principle)

“Right ……. I have to try everything.” (Sanjioji)

　These school events are useful for class unity. Besides, they are a kind of festival. As they work together to win the championship, they will interact with each other in a way that is different from the usual. By having fun together, the atmosphere of coiled bonds may be broken.

　Finding a glimmer of hope, Sanjoji’s heart lightens a little.

　Sanjoji’s goal was to use the field day as an opportunity to restore the class. This became Sanjoji’s goal.

　On the other hand, however, an unexplainable uneasiness was swirling within Sanjoji. Perhaps she unconsciously understood it.

　It was never going to work.

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