Chapter 9: 3.4

I opened my abandoned phone and saw an inflated notification. I realize I have failed. I shouldn’t have looked. The name of Suzurikawa were all lined up in a row. My gaze naturally turned to the strap.

She must be in trouble by now. I could have given it to her at school, but I had no choice but to hurry.

“I’m going to the convenience store.”

The reply came shortly. The cold was completely gone.

I heard that Suzurikawa can get out too. In any case, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep at this point.

After putting on my jacket, I hobbled off to my destination.

“Yukito!”

Wait, I smell like sweat right now, get away from me! As soon as she saw me, she jumped into my chest and I tried to push Suzurikawa away, but she was surprisingly strong. Gununununu…….

“Sorry about the end of the school day. I could have done it tomorrow.”

“No. That’s such a relief! Is your cold gone?”

“I’m feeling great. I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands.”

“If anything happened to Yukito, I ……”

Suzurikawa was crying. –How unusual. Suddenly, I realize.

“Did you come to my house, by any chance?”

“—-….. sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? Did you get into an argument with Yuuri?”

“N-no! Not like that,……, it was my fault…”

Was it Suzurikawa that Yuuri was turning away?

“Sorry. Yuuri is a martial artist. She must have been hungry and worked up.”

“Kusu. I don’t know if she’ll get mad at you for saying that.”

I had a throbbing headache from the unfamiliar crying face. Suzurikawa I remember was always angry and dissatisfied.

“Look, Suzurikawa. Take your ugly bear and go home.”

“—–! T-Thank you. Yukito, was you looking for this?”

“I was bored to death because I was home. It’s important to you, isn’t it?”

“T-Thank you,……, but don’t do anything dangerous on your own!”

I gave Suzurikawa an ugly bear on a strap, a.k.a. unbearable. I thought there would be a round of applause for my good sense in naming the bear, but it didn’t go through. How terrible.

“I didn’t realize they were so valuable.

“I didn’t think it was that valuable. …… because this strap is—–“

I didn’t know what the words meant. I didn’t even want to ask for details. I had given back what was important to her. I wanted nothing more than that.

For a while after that, Suzurikawa kept soaking my T-shirt with tears.

“I’m hungry.”

“C-come to my house! There’s at least something to eat.”

“It’s almost night. I’m going to get some ramen and go home.”

At this time of night. I am sure that person will at least allow me to send her home.

I’m fine after taking the day off from school, but I’m sure that Suzurikawa is tired. I can’t let her go home alone. Her leg is even sore.

Well, when was the last time we were alone together like this? I am feeling a little restless. I was worried because Suzurikawa I knew was so different from Suzurikawa I knew these days. She is not as agitated and calm as she used to be.

“I’m sorry you had to drop it to me”

Is your leg okay?

“Yeah, I’m fine. ….How to say, I miss this kind of thing. I used to get angry at you for playing so late. Yet …… I don’t want you go home”

When I arrived at her door, I found her looking somewhat regretful.

“Is something bothering you? It’s okay. Nobody cares about the smell of your feet.”

I tried to comfort her, but her face turned red.

“Wha!? How long are you going to keep pulling this on me?”

“I thought it was the smell that bothered you?”

“I told you it’s not that! Ah, right. That’s enough to make me angry. In that case sniff it!”

“Hmph! With a snort and a burnt-out look on her face, Suzurikawa turned her still-taped leg toward me. She looked a little like Suzurikawa I knew.

“I don’t understand your taste in trying to get people to sniff it.”

“Don’t misunderstand me!”

I had no choice. I put my nose close to her and sniffed. Yes, I am the pervert. I’ll sweetly accept it. This is Gaia…… Suddenly, I come back to myself. No, that …….

“What are we doing…..?”

“Ugh, ……. It’s your fault! H-How do they smell?”

“Well, that’s beside the point. The other day, a fortune teller walked by and bought me a cup of coffee while crying, what was that all about?”

“Don’t leave me alone! I’m very interested in what you have to say, but first, protect my honor!”

“That that. That’s more Suzurikawa-ish.”

“……Eh……?”

“I thought you had completely changed your personality.”

Suzurikawa looked as if she had lost her temper, but gradually understood what I was trying to say, and she turned her head down again. I thought I would be bombarded with abusive language, but there was nothing like that.

“…Hey, Yukito. Am I changing?”

“Do you hate it?”

“…..I hate myself so much I can’t stand it. It’s terrible, isn’t it? It’s really arrogance not to be honest. I am just taking advantage of you. I’m only hurting you.”

As if to express her regret, these self-mocking words spilled out of her mouth.

“I wanted to change. Ever since that day, I have always regretted it. It’s cowardly of me to expect you to understand me without telling you. If I don’t tell you myself, if I don’t put it into words, then there is no point.”

I was silent, not knowing what words to say in response to Suzurikawa’s anguished words.

“Thank you for finding it—-Thank you. I’m happy.”

“You already told me.”

“Why did you go looking for it, Yukito? You’ve been avoiding me for so long.”

“As I said yesterday, I’m not looking for a fight. If you are in trouble, I will help you. That’s the least I can do.”

No matter how much she hated me, the fact was that she had saved my life. This was just a way of repaying that huge debt and nothing more.

“Is it because …… I’m your childhood friend?”

“Unrelevant. But if you’re in trouble, if you need help, you have to tell me. I can’t be around you anymore.”

“You can’t ……–Stay with me!”

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“That’s not my role—-“

Suzurikawa’s hand touches my cheek. She slowly speaks out as if she is squeezing my cheek.

“I’m not dating senpai anymore. We broke up right away.”

“Ha? No, wait a minute. When did you break up?”

“About two weeks.”

“N-no, wait. What the hell. Then I’m fake news …… for policy violations, …… for privacy law violations.”

Eeeeehhhh for real? I’ve never heard of this before! I didn’t notice it at all. That’s how little I had seen of Suzurikawa. If there was a hole, I would want to get in it.

“It’s my fault for not telling you! But I don’t want to stop talking with Yukito anymore. Let’s go back! Can we go back to being childhood friends like we were back then!”

“Impossible. We can’t go back.”

“B-But why? Is it too late? Can’t I make it in time? Do you like Kamishiro?”

“—No. It’s just that I can’t remember the feelings I had when I liked you at the time.”

A sweet temptation. But still, I never want to go back to the past. The past is always painful and hard. There was no point to which I wanted to return.

“I’ve always loved you, you know? I’ve loved you since I was a little girl! I was so happy when Yukito confessed his love to me. I wanted to answer right away! But–“

Suzuriakwa likes me? Eh, a hallucination? Her sudden confession sounded as if it was about someone else and a matter of fact. What the hell is that? The words spewed out with such vigor that it boggles my mind. Earlier, you said you wanted to be honest. So why are you lying?

Why do you try to lie so much? My headache grows worse.

I heard a cracking sound.

It’s such a convenient thing that it can’t be. In an instant, my thoughts are pulled back to flat.
Our relationship is an extension of the past, a choice I once made.

“I didn’t realize you were such a liar.”

“–About…..what……”

People say that when one is ill, one’s mind becomes feeble, and this may be exactly the case with Suzurikawa’s mental state. Her fatigue must be at its peak. When she is feeling down, she is inclined to show her weakness, which does not usually come out. When I catch a cold, I too talk less. My sister even says to me, “You look more sane when you are sick.”

I ruminate over the words of Suzurikawa. Why on earth would she say such a thing now? Childhood friends are a rare relationship. From other people’s point of view, the relationship appears to be strong and special. That is why it was troublesome. No matter if it was the same sex, if it was a childhood friend of the opposite sex, the relationship and the distance between them would inevitably be a hindrance to dating someone else. That being the case, she would have tried to break off the relationship.

“If we go back to the way we were, it will be the same thing over and over again. If you fall in love with someone else from now on, I will be nothing but a hindrance to you.”

“There is no way that’s true!”

This is not only true for Suzurikawa. It’s that way for everyone. I was already used to it.

“And you’ve always liked me? Why would you lie like that? Didn’t you go out with your senpai because you liked him? Or did you go out with senpai even though you didn’t like him?”

“—That’s!? But it’s not a lie! I’m telling—-!”

There is no doubt that Suzurikawa is lying. If Suzurikawa really told me that she had liked me for a long time, then why did she go out with her senpai? Why didn’t she say so at the time? It was the only thing I had ever wished for in my life, the future I had tried to reach for.

But it spilled out of her hand like sand, leaving me with nothing, as usual. Suzurikawa must have liked her senpai enough to go out with him and do that sort of thing. And yet, the story that Suzurikawa had always liked me for a long time sounded like a lie. If it had been after they had broken up with Senpai, I would have been able to understand it, but to be told that she had been in love with me for a long time, I had no reason to believe it.

From the beginning, did she have feelings for me? That was impossible.

I had indeed been dumped and had my heart broken at that time.

Before we met again, I remembered the last words Suzurikawa had said to me. [Liar]

She said these words as if squeezing them out of her hate-filled eyes, and disappeared from my life.

“I don’t care if you hate me for whatever reason. But I have never lied to you. I want you to believe that. Well I’m leaving. Make up with Hiori-chan”

[Suzurikawa PoV]

All I could do was watch him leave in a daze. I tried to go after him, but my legs wouldn’t move. Only my upper body was falling forward and I was about to fall down.

I finally felt as if I had caught a glimpse of his true intentions. Yukito was right. Sadness washes over me at my own sinfulness. I can’t help it.

I felt like my heart had been grabbed by an eagle when I heard Mihou’s story.

Yukito had missed school because of a cold. I wondered if he might be suffering from a terrible, monstrous injury. I was filled with fear. He would disappear. He was going to disappear. I was the one who had caused it. I wanted to deny my worst imagination, but I couldn’t. My heart feels frozen.

I look down. The precious bond. I couldn’t reach my heart. I couldn’t touch it.

That summer festival day. I shook off his hand.

I was so excited that I didn’t see the look on his face at that moment. Yukito might have felt rejected by me. I didn’t tell him otherwise.

I realize it now. It took me a long time to even understand that.

Right. He was always the first to hold hands with me, to confess his feelings to me, and so on. What was I doing then? Like a baby chicken just waiting to be fed, I only received from him, but did I ever do anything for him, did I ever tell him?

I am the one who lied. That’s right. The lies I have told have caused him to suffer and me to suffer. It was easy to correct that lie.

But to reveal my true feelings about why I lied was terrifying.

My ugly heart. I was so self-protective, testing others, keeping myself in a safe place, and hurting only others. If I had been honest with myself, if I had waited just a little longer, none of this would have happened.

At that time, I was in a hurry. Yukito was popular. He didn’t realize it, but he was more mature than anyone around him.

And above all, he was kind. It was impossible for him not to be popular. Even his occasional eccentricities and outlandish behavior were hard to leave alone. I know girls who liked my childhood friend with his unbalanced charm. They didn’t confess their feelings to Yukito because I was there. That’s why I did such a true impersonation.

I am the worst. Ugly me. I am dirty and jealous.

As soon as word got out that I had hooked up with a senior, the other girls immediately approached him. One of them was Shiori Kamishiro.

But Yukito began to devote himself to club activities. He didn’t care what he looked like, didn’t look away at all, and just chased after the ball.

By that time, I was in the grip of my own lies, amplified by malice, and they were irretrievable. Unable to move, unable to scream, I was bound to the thorns of reality.

My mouth did not speak the truth, and I called him a liar.

[“Uhm….I will alway be on Yu-chan’s side, forever!”]

[“Then, I will help you if you are in trouble.”]

The promise I made to him when we were children was not something that could be dressed up as marriage. But I still keep it in my heart as a precious memory. He probably doesn’t even remember it. Even so, he could not forgive me. I told me that he would help me. I was not the one suffering the pain, but someone else. I was helplessly saddened by that.

I gently tightened my grip on the strap. I knew the truth. He would never lie. Just as he had helped me today.

I was the one who betrayed him by lying and not asking for help.

Even then, if I had honestly asked him for help, he would have solved the problem right away. Because he is a strong person who can do that.

I wanted to change. It was me who needed to change. If I had been honest, I wouldn’t have been in such a horrible situation. My family despises me, they are disgusted with me, they are angry with me, and my sister, who adored Yukito, still hasn’t forgiven me.

Even though I love Yukito so much. I couldn’t tell him how I felt, I couldn’t tell him what I said. When I did, I could no longer reach him, and he had lost his affection for me.

It’s me who is chasing after him. I will make him like me again.

He no longer needs me to just wait for him. I longed to be a princess, as everyone dreams.
But my glass slipper was shattered, and I had no magician to help me, no pumpkin carriage to take me to the castle, nothing. But I still have the kindness of the man who never gave up on me, in my aching leg.

I will never give up! I can’t give up. I don’t want to give up.

If I reveal this ugly truth, he will surely hate me. That is why I have come this far without being able to say it. I didn’t have the courage, I didn’t have the resolve, and now I was condemned as a liar. Yet I had to say it. I had to take just one more step.

Finally, I understand clearly. It was too late, but still I was–.

In order to start everything over, I would have to be hated by Yukito. I have to admit all this ugliness to him, or I can’t go back. No, I’m not going back. This time I have to move on!

“I’m sorry. ……”

This is the last time I’m going to apologize. So, hate me and let’s start again.

This time, it’s about the true love of Suzurikawa…

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