Chapter 35: 31. Excuse Me, What’s the Team Name?

“It’s been quite the day, hasn’t it?” YoAnna asked as she led Jay, Kleo,  and the other crawlers outside and into the sun. 

Jay had to cover his eyes until they adjusted to the light. Having a higher Perception meant everything came at him in greater detail. The sun’s brightness was intense if he didn’t prepare himself to take that level of light. At least there was still light out. He dreaded the trouble Mike and Dennis would get if it took them till dark to leave the quarantine site.

It was half an hour after two, and the boys had been gone from home for a long while under two different timelines. Jay and Mike were chewing on sandwiches they’d gotten for free at the quarantine site’s mobile cafeteria.

Funnily enough, YoAnna had wanted to destroy the fancy government food truck. She’d smelled food inside and grabbed a quick bite to eat before continuing her polite rampage elsewhere.

The damage that had remained from a Godling showing her displeasure stole most of Frank’s attention. He and his fellow [Fighter] dragged their feet in the back of their group as soldiers, researchers, and laborers gave the party a wide berth.

Except for one woman.

Jay chuckled as Mike perked up, happy to see the Head Researcher. This time, Jay bothered to read her name tag–she was Gladys Kowalski, and she was pretty brave even though she’d gotten knocked over and deafened by a sonic step of the Godling.

“Um, e-e-excuse me, Ma’am,” Gladys started, bowing her head like she was honoring a dignitary from Japan.

“Please, rise. We’ve been well met before,” YoAnna ordered gracefully. “Did Mike live up to our expectations when you met him?”

“Oh, heck yeah! I could tell from the start,” Gladys said cheerily, dropping the proper etiquette. She had a vibe that Jay could get behind.

Kleo shifted her orbit and bumped into the Head Researcher’s head. The woman shrieked, hands halfway up to catch the [Faerie]. She froze like she was about to touch a bomb. Wide green eyes looked from a snickering Jay to Kleo holding a strand of Gladys’s brown hair to keep orbiting away.

“What’s with this human?” Kleo asked. “I’ve seen her three times now. Is she not a background character?”

“I guess she made enough appearances to edge into mid-supporting cast level,” Jay answered.

“I apologize for Jay and Kleo,” Mike said quickly. “The two share a unique bond of over-the-top silliness and will bombard you with pop culture references and tropes.”

Kleo squawked. “Don’t you dare throw us out like that, Mikey Mike! You’re one of us, and you know it!”

“Of course not,” Mike said, sliding his glasses up. “I’m not a degenerate.”

Jay made a strangled sound. Kleo tugged on Gladys’s hair and floated to the front of the Head Researcher’s face. “Just for that, I’m going to deny nerd time between you two and demand your heart’s desire.”

“Well, if we’re going to shoot straight to the point,” Gladys said, containing a twitching enthusiasm that was cropping up as she examined the real-life [Faerie] floating in her face, “I’ll gladly treat Mike as if he doesn’t exist if uh, Miss YoAnna, can grant a request of mine?”

“Ouch,” Mike said

“It’s for the good of science, Mike.”

“That’s understandable.”

“What do you desire, little mortal?” YoAnna asked with a glimmer in her eyes.

Jay leaned over to Mike. “She’s still high off being called Queen of the Universe.”

“Her ego is impressively large, Jay,” Mike said. “It might reach half the size of your ego one day.”

Jay turned away and covered his face.

That was a hella good burn.

“It’s hard making a request when I have a [Faerie] in my face and a gaggle of boys who’ve defeated a dungeon and are a treasure trove of information right in front of me,” Gladys said. “But I’m going to stay focused and ask for an item. Any item. So, I can start studying these anomalies through their creations.”

“If there’s anyone here that deserves a glimpse of the dungeon loot,” Frank said with a monotonous voice, “It’s Miss Kowalski. She’s a good woman.”

Instantly convinced, YoAnna flicked out her hand with her palm up. A round, pearl-shaped object appeared. It was the size of a softball and shone brightly under the sunlight.

“This is the core of the Toyreveler Dungeon. This single item is the greatest loot acquirable from the dungeon. However, it is inert. The only magic you’ll find is the tiny traces in this physical representation of the core. If you can solve the basics of magic with only this small thing, we will have much to discuss, Miss Kowalski.”

The Head Researcher reached out with trembling hands. Her shaky eyes flicked from the dungeon core to YoAnna to Kleo tangled up in her hair and back to the core again. Then she snatched it away and held it to her chest like it was her most precious thing.

“Thank you,” Gladys said in a small voice.

“You know how to reach me through the channels I’ve shared,” YoAnna said, giving the Head Researcher a dazzling smile. “Message me for only two reasons. If someone bothers you over the loot, threatens you, or steals it from you. If not that, do not bother me unless you’ve made a personal discovery you think is worth my attention.”

Gladys’s eyes hardened under the weight of YoAnna’s challenge. They exchanged farewells and saw the researcher depart, Kleo floating back to Jay’s side.

“Boys, and Kleo,” YoAnna said. “Why did I receive an inert core? Before you answer, do note I must report to the System Admins over the matter since they’ve believed you to be the cause of a significant System crash.”

YoAnna laughed.

“That couldn’t be true.”

She stopped and turned to face them.

“Is it?”

In all honesty, from a perspective most people might have in a moment like this, they all should be scared shitless. The way YoAnna waited on the answer while they were a short distance from the destruction she wrought felt purposeful. She also seemed to loom over them significantly, the air distorted by her divine presence, reminding them that their levels granting them the right to rank up was a little thing to the technical queen of the universe.

Most people would struggle to answer.

“I probably broke something,” Jay said without much thought. “I know I had something planned to save Kleo from getting eaten by you. But I can’t remember what.”

YoAnna’s intense presence dimmed. “The proper phrasing is absorb.”

“You were totally going to eat me, you dungeon core gobbler,” Kleo pointed out with a shrieking laugh. “What would you serve me with? Salt, pepper, and a glass of wine? I wonder if I’d taste good. Yum, yum, dungeon core and dungeon monsters for a growing godling girl.” 

“Knowing you, you’d try to give her indigestion, aye?” Jay accused Kleo.

“I’d give her a thing or two to think about on the way in and out.”

“Can we focus on why the Admins are harping on this? And why I didn’t get a third dungeon core to absorb?” YoAnna asked weakly, thoroughly beat by Jay and Kleo’s lackadaisicalness.

“It’s true, unfortunately,” Mike said. “That he can’t remember. I can’t remember. Same for our [Fighters]. Someone took our memories of a great event that involved Jay perhaps, and that’s all we can say.”

Frank and Dennis nodded.

YoAnna sighed. “I believe you. I was scared that you might cover something up to protect Kleo. But this inquiry must be answered truthfully, or the Admins will find a way to destroy us within their parameters of set System rules.”

“Everyone has cheated in this game, apparently,” Frank said. “And yet I can’t even get an arm from a girl who could scratch a city out of existence.”

The good mood Jay and Kleo were building up plummeted. Kleo started to open her mouth when Jay raised his hand and bumped her into it. She glared at her master but begrudgingly followed his silent request.

“Franklin,” YoAnna said softly. “There is much to be said, but not all can be said at once. First, let me explain that it is my nature not to heal that wound. Because it is a result of great challenge and change. You will require the aid of a powerful healer, maybe when Brit grows stronger in healing. Or you must solve the issue by other means.”

She laid a hand on his shoulder, and Frank stiffened. “I’m serious that you’re one of my chosen, my Champion. You need to know that you are not lesser. Not broken. I know that talk comes from your raising in the organization you’ve sworn to, but you don’t have to be one of them anymore. You can leave them and never have to feel your loyalties split.”

Jay shook his head. YoAnna made a mistake pitching that right now, but the [Freak] kept that to himself.

Frank removed YoAnna’s hand from his shoulder. “Someone needs to stay grounded in the muck with the other mortals. I’ll come along when duty calls, but I’m keeping to my people here outside of that. Not all of them are Commander Steele, and they need to know there’s a Champion that represents them.”

“I do not promote their ideals if they’ve created a toxic culture that hurts kids like us,” Mike said. “But it is important for Frank to be an earthly representative that knows the rules and lines and can work them. Today was a bad showing for the government, but I don’t think it’ll be a repeat offense once they find a replacement for Commander Steele.”

“I agree,” Dennis said.

“Why?” YoAnna asked, her voice tense.

“Maybe democracy doesn’t matter to you, YoAnna,” Dennis said. “But it feels like Frank is keeping democracy important just in case.”

“Just in case?”

“In case you go from destroying millions of dollars of taxpayer funds to millions of people because they help relieve your stress,” Frank said. “Then it’ll come down to us having a very intense conversation that’ll challenge how much you adore me as your Champion and what will be the change afterward.”

“That’s enough,” Jay said.

The conversation ended, falling to a gloomy silence that probably left a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth. Kleo settled down on Jay’s shoulder and stopped her zero-g orbiting.

Jay looked up at the sky. “I’m going to take the bus home. I could use a slow and mundane trip across the city.”

“I’ll Uber if you don’t mind,” Dennis said. “I need some alone time before I meet with my dad.”

“I’m staying here,” Frank said.

“I’ll go with Jay,” Mike said.

“I will be occupied for about two weeks,” YoAnna said with cold neutrality. “I will absorb the Old Dwarven Rubbish Core and Ratling Bog Core in that time. We shouldn’t be faced with another dungeon incursion for a month. Until then, I leave you with three concerns:

“One, if you struggle to adjust from coming back home, contact the other Champions. Or you can speak to my guardians at the outer mansion.

“Two, rank up in a quiet, comfortable space with a shower nearby. Or do so in the shower. Ranking purifies you gradually, leading you to become your most ideal self and granting you extra perks. Much will be explained when I’m available after the two weeks.

“Three, be wary of unknown mortals from whatever faction. The world’s governments will know I’ll be indisposed for two weeks since I’ve cleared my schedule for that block and sent cancellations. Unfortunately, I didn’t think that through, and now I fear they’ll use this to get to you.”

“Assassins?” Jay asked.

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“Possibly,” YoAnna answered.

“Most likely, you’ll get questioned by other in-country Alphabet Soup Agencies,” Frank said. “They shouldn’t know what’s happening, but everyone is spying and fishing from everyone, so they’re going to know. They’ll visit your schools. They’ll try your family. Those public points of interest will be covered by my agency, the Multiverse Preparation Committee.”

“And we finally got a name for this secret agency,” Mike said. “What a day of revelation this is becoming.”

“So, will my family be safe?” Dennis asked.

“Protecting your families is part of a series of agreements the MPC has with the Multiverse Protectorate Pantheon or MPP for short,” Frank explained. “Though, the Godling of Challenge and Change made a strange additional request she’s best explaining.”

“If you are attacked or approached directly,” YoAnna said, “I want you to deal with the offending mortals yourselves. You must be prepared to fight other humans. The Multiverse is filled with them. Certain dungeons create people-like monsters, too, and those dungeons can be ferocious and deadly.”

Mike and Dennis shared a look. Then they turned to Jay.

“People, huh?” Jay swayed his head from side to side, pushing Kleo around gently on his shoulder. “It’s good we’ve got the warning now. I can’t say I’ll kill a person in cold blood, but I could try capturing them and turning them over.”

YoAnna nodded. “By whatever means you find acceptable, protect yourselves. Do not be subjugated, do not be cowed, and do not be merciful without good reason. I have enough power to act casually with mortals, but that’s not the case with you all. You’ll be vulnerable to the Systemless until you’re well into Rank 3, so if you must kill, please do so.”

There was nothing more to be said on that final grisly point. Dennis and Mike nodded stiffly but kept their thoughts to themselves. Jay frowned, wondering how he’d handle having to kill someone. It was a strange thought to entertain as if it was an eventuality. Hadn’t he also killed humanoid creatures in the dungeon that warranted deeper introspection?

Before they could leave, YoAnna performed a spell to exchange their gear for street clothes. Golden dust billowed out, swirling into small vortexes around each boy. The fantasy gear faded off, and regular earthly clothes appeared. They weren’t wearing their old clothes either. YoAnna gifted them designer stuff that was sleek and trendy and made for each boy’s style.

Jay smiled at the colorful swirls that marked his hoodie before looking up at Frank in a nice leather jacket. Mike had a button-down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and Dennis wore a simple but fitted Tee that showed off his physique. The bottoms and shoes matched their styles that ranged from pure Floridian to preppy and all that was in between.

Hell, they even smelled good, like benefitting from after-bath freshness to go with the magic wardrobe change.

“Man, this is so weird,” Jay said.

“It’s like an intense version of committing a gaming marathon while staying cooped up in your house,” Mike said, “then going outside to see a whole world exists beyond your walls.”

“It feels more comparable to soldiers coming back home,” Frank said, holding up his missing arm where the sleeve was rolled and pinned. “I don’t watch war movies. But I’ve read many books based on real-life experiences.”

“I don’t know if I like being without Ogre Hunter,” Dennis said.

“Ah, yes, of course,” YoAnna said. She performed another spell and magicked four bags into creation. She handed them in a specific order.

“Bags of holding?” Mike asked.

YoAnna nodded.

“Good, good,” Mike said. “I see they come with easy-to-use and secure clip-on for our belts. Excellent design.”

“They only hold a couple of items,” YoAnna explained. “A weapon you can use and three basic types of each crystal. The [Fighters] have replacement greatswords, a wand for Mike, and a short blade for Jay, all basic stock. I will keep the Knife of Slaying Justice and other better-quality weapons stored for the next dungeon crawl. I don’t want to risk those getting lost or stolen. Our supply of good or better quality armaments is limited even with the surplus loot.”

“Will Macy and Lilith start crafting stuff?” Jay asked.

YoAnna gave him a slight shrug. “Lilith, yes, but under alchemy. So don’t look for new weapons there. It depends on Macy. She’s generalized far and wide but wouldn’t make for a reliable [Crafter] in any specific denomination. Only on special occasions when she’s inspired.”

The Godling sighed.

“We’ll figure something out. We’ve consolidated a lot of loot from all three dungeons, so I might have to look at trading ASAP, or I’ll be forced to get a System Store, but that’ll cost me greatly on my personal growth.” She shook her head. “None of that is important now. Just know if you need anything or a refill, please come to the mansion and request for my guardians if I’m not available.”

“Before we split off,” Jay said, “how are the others?”

“Team Divine is ecstatic,” YoAnna said, sounding more upbeat. “They pulled off an improbable victory with two minutes left on the clock before the dungeon became victorious. The breakout star turned out to be Macy, of all people. When I learned that, I was shocked. I hedged my bet on Casey, but apparently, I’ve misread my dear excitable Cabinet Financer.”

Huh, Moneybags Macy turned out to be a star, aye? Score one for [Crafters], then. Jay was glad to hear it since that was his second option of a Class.

“Then there’s the other team,” YoAnna said.

“They got a team name?” Jay asked.

YoAnna’s supple lips pressed into a line.

“It’s something good, ain’t it?” Kleo giggled. She was wearing the exact copy of Jay’s outfit, looking like a mini Floridian doll on his shoulder.

YoAnna sighed. “Team Booty Bandits–”

“Excuse me, what?” Jay asked.

“Team Booty Bandits–”

“Master Jay, I didn’t quite catch that,” Kleo interrupted. “Can you kindly ask your most gracious and most awesome future Goddess what she called that team?”

“My dear, dear familiar wanted to hear that last part again, oh, proud and great YoAnna,” Jay said with all the seriousness he could muster.

“Team. Booty. Bandits.” YoAnna glared. “They have results that seem skewed in a certain direction. But I’ve gotten the summary of their actions, and the breakout stars are Lilith and Brit, with the Junker Twins close behind. Lilith leveled a lot when she weakened and slaughtered most of the dungeon threats. And Brit did an exemplary job keeping her team—”

“Team Booty Bandits, right?” Kleo interrupted again. “Just wanted to make sure.”

Jay swallowed a laugh.

Dennis and Mike shook their heads. Frank looked like he was absolutely done with life.

“I’m sure you can learn more about the virtues of Team Divine and Team Booty Bandits on your own,” YoAnna said, powering through. “Which leads me to this point.”

She hugged Frank. She lifted Dennis off his feet. Then she squeezed Mike into an embrace. She concluded with Jay, holding him so sweetly he nearly melted into her body. It ended too soon and left Jay gasping and feeling hot.

YoAnna’s smile was radiant. “You’ve conquered your first dungeon. And you did so in a spectacular fashion that makes my choices in Champions worth it.” She looked at Kleo. “However were the circumstances that brought you here to us, thank you for being there for my boys.”

“It was nothing,” Kleo said.

“It isn’t nothing,” YoAnna said, her glimmering joy shining down on all of them before settling on Jay last. “Whatever happened in the time that is forgotten, I can feel an impression that you’ve done much, Jay. It’s a shame I can’t hear what was done, but I know you’ll continue to exceed expectations.” YoAnna tilted her head. “Though, it would be helpful to slow down just a tad to keep the System Admins from being such a brother.”

“Go out with me,” Jay said.

YoAnna tilted her head the other way and batted her long eyelashes. Every so softly, she said, “No.”

It was like getting stabbed by a velvet dagger.

Jay nodded stiffly.

YoAnna faced around and strolled away. She disappeared

Jay let out a big whoop of air. “Fuck. That sucked.”

“Mad respect, dude,” Dennis said.

Mike patted Jay on the back while Kleo rubbed her master’s neck.

“See ya,” Frank said, starting back toward the command center of the black site.

“Spooky boi, wait,” Jay called. “Any chance of beers sometime next week?”

“No,” Frank said without stopping.

As Jay’s spirit started to fall, YoAnna reappeared in front of Frank.

The Spook let out a yelp and started falling backward. The godling darted around and caught Frank from behind, stirring up some wind without breaking the sound barrier.

“I didn’t get your team name!” YoAnna whined, shaking her fist. “Gimme the team name, and please let it be something respectable.”

While Frank was trying to recover from a near heart attack, Jay looked to the others for suggestions.

“Frank’s the team lead. He should decide,” Dennis said.

“I concur,” Mike said.

Jay nodded at Frank while trying not to look at him or YoAnna. He felt hella awkward after getting double rejected in a minute.

“Team,” Frank said, catching his breath, “Four and a Half Idiots.”

“Oh, my dear chosen, leader among Champions,” YoAnna said with a heartfelt glimmer in her eyes, “you must jest. Do you truly wish to force upon your deity the acceptance of such a team name? It’ll be permanent for the rest of your days.”

Frank’s impassive expression morphed into a dark smirk.

The light in YoAnna’s eyes died.

Thus, Team FAAHI was born. They were blooded and made victorious on this day.

Now they must learn how to live with the consequences in a Pre-System world. Jay especially.

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