Chapter 17: 17

Chapter 17

To the point where I want to end my life

 

T.W. Self Harm

Raen:

 

     The sunset was a rich red outside the window.

     I straightened my gloomy, overcast, hunched-over body in his bedroom. I’ve been stuck in my room since lunch, and it seems time flew by.

     ‘Am I doing well?’ A vague uneasy feeling rushed over me.

     The cracks in the world were constantly getting bigger, and the things I managed to uncover were only small pieces to the puzzle. It’s far from enough to solve the big puzzle: the world itself. New phenomena appeared constantly; and my hypotheses only increased, one by one.

     Of these hypotheses, there were some I wished to be proven untrue, and others I desperately hoped were correct.

     ‘No–nothing is certain yet.’ I tried to cut my thoughts off; this was not the time to be lost in my own mind. ‘That’s right. It’s about time for the magic I had given Yihan to be depleted.’ I should probably ask him if there were any more spells he needed at this time. I made my way to the next room: Sun Yihan and Song Ha-gyeon’s shared bedroom.

     Come to think of it, the two had similar auras.

     After stating that Sun Yihan healed his injury, Song Ha-gyeon looked utterly calm. That man didn’t seem surprised even though he should know all too well that healing magic didn’t exist.

     Or rather, did he even have the capability to be surprised? Song Ha-gyeon has always been like that, even back at the academy. Though we’ve been together for a long while, he wasn’t the type to offer up his own thoughts or anecdotes often.

     Sun Yihan was the same. Even though the young man looked like a gentle, soft person, he always stood at a distance. As if he had drawn a line in the grown.

     While I was lost in thought, my feet took me to the room quickly; the door was slightly ajar. A red sunset glow leaked through the crack in the door.

     And…

     ‘The scent of blood?’

     A faint, fishy, and metallic scent of blood wafted through the air. I was on edge.

     Was it Song Ha-gyeon? Was he hurt anywhere? What about Sun Yihan–what should I do if he was hurt? The young priest said he couldn’t use healing magic on himself, so any injury would be a big catastrophe.  With shaky steps, I pushed the door open slightly.

Crea~eak–

     Sun Yihan stood behind the open door I had opened quietly. Sun Yihan sat on a hard wooden chair, looking out the window. His back was turned halfway towards me and leaned against the back of the chair. His appearance–the way he squatted down with a small quirk of a smile on his lips–looked a bit precarious.

     The sunset pouring through the window shone straight down on the young priest. His thin white clothes were stained by that tender light.

     His left sleeve was pushed up to his elbow. And… touching his thin, pale forearm…

     ‘…A knife?’

     What an eerily sharp knife. Blood dripped down the gleaming edge.

     The small knife in the white hand felt so alien; his small smile exuded a sense of relief, as if he had finally accomplished a long-awaited goal.

     “Yihan?” I called out Sun Yihan’s name, as if I were clinging onto something familiar in this unfamiliar scene. Sun Yihan slowly turned towards me; his blue eyes shone out from a shadowed face.

     Sun Yihan’s eyes, looking back at me, were shaking violently. As if he were embarrassed to be caught in this position.

     “Why….No, Yihan. Wait, Wait a minute.” My brain wasn’t working. For now, I had to stop the young priest in his tracks.

     ‘Why is he doing this? Since when?’

     I saw a messy heap of scattered bandages on the floor; the cloth was stained dark red. The bandage itself was imbued with magic to prevent the smell of blood from wafting out.

     Where did he get something like that? Was it always in Song Ha-gyeon’s room? Perhaps that’s the reason why, all this time, I never realized Yihan was doing something like this.

     Was this some form of compulsive behavior? Habit? I should have known something was off when I saw his hyperventilation the first day I met him. I asked him about his health several times after that day, but Sun Yihan repeatedly stated he was fine.

     ‘I should have paid more attention.’

     I knew Sun Yihan was a person who talked little about himself; even if he was going through a hard time, he would just bottle those emotions inside.

     Did I trigger a memory for him? Is that why he couldn’t stand it anymore?

     Emotions that have not been released would eventually gather in the mind; in that unceremonious heap, they would eventually rot. Though they look fine on the outside, those kinds of people crumble from within.

     That fact was something I knew better than anyone else.

""

Splatter–

     The blood flowing from Sun Yihan’s arm pooled on the floor, like tears leaking from a crumbling person.

     Sun Yihan, maintaining eye contact with me, smiled brightly. He tried to pull up the trembling corners of his mouth with some difficulty, trying to smile as if nothing happened. That sight made my heart flutter: red drops of blood against the backdrop of a red sunset. In that world totally washed crimson, Sun Yihan smiled at me with his clear blue eyes.

     Alone. As if he were untouchable and isolated.

     “…Yihan.” The corners of my eyes felt as if they were burning.

     Anxiety and uncertainty. Though I wasn’t a person that could support others properly, I still thought I’d like to reach out a hand to him.

      After all, I’m here right now–because I was the one to see Sun Yihan’s pain right before my eyes. Therefore, I didn’t want to leave Sun Yihan to collapse by himself like this.

The trickling droplets of blood were clearly etched into my mind.

 

◇~◇~◇~◇~◇~◇

 

Sun Yihan:

     In the blink of an eye; Raen moved right in front of me. Then, he carefully pulled the knife out of my hand.

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     His fingertips were trembling; I felt an unfamiliar desperation exuding from his body. I didn’t particularly need that knife anymore, so I relaxed my grip.

     The pouring sunset seemed to color everything in the room red–perhaps that’s why Raen’s eyes also looked red. The warrior, who had been chewing his lips for quite a long while, slowly opened his mouth. As soon as he said something, a blue status window popped up, accompanied by a cheerful pinging noise.

「<Foreseen Future Beginner Rank> Skill used!」

「Cooldown time remaining: 24 hours」

 

     What superb timing; my view darkened.

 

Scritch Scratch–

 

     I was in a place that looked like a lab–inside, Song Ha-gyeon wore a monocle and wrote on something that looked like a notepad. A large glass barrel, containing a pile of unknown grey material, floated right by the Warrior’s face. Based on what I saw in the last ‘foreseen future,’ the material must be residue left behind by the demonic beasts.

     A crystal ball was placed atop a desk; Song Ha-gyeon tapped the ball with the tip of his pen. Immediately, an image–a map?–floated above the crystal instrument.

     The map was marked with several, easy-to-perceive X’s. When Song Ha-gyeon touched a place on the map with his fingertips, the same X was painted there automatically.

 

Whoosh–

 

     Instantaneously, my mind returned back to the present.

 

「<Skill Upgrade!> Success!

‘Foreseen Future’ Beginner Rank >> ‘Foreseen Future’ Intermediate Rank」

 

     As soon as my view cleared, a status window appeared before my eyes.

     I kept my head lowered; I could see Raen’s robe in front of me.

     Unable to keep quiet any longer, I raised my head; Raen lifted my left arm and pressed firmly against the wound with a cloth. I could feel his hand trembles through his touch.

     Holding that now reddening cloth, Raen met my eyes; for some reason, his golden eyes sparkled–unshed tears? His expression was strange; I wasn’t sure if he was smiling or crying.

     “Yihan.” Even though his body trembled, his voice was still unyielding. “Did you want to give up on life?”

     A clear drop tumbled down Raen’s cheek.

     There was no change in his expression–not even a shake in his words. Were my eyes mistaken?

     I shook my head slightly.

    Then, Raen continued, “Then, were things difficult enough for you to want to end your life?”

     Clear tears were now definitely flowing from his eyes. Raen cried without making a sound–not even a small sob.

     Wait a minute.

     I definitely think Raen has misunderstood something.

""

     I shook my head in a hurry; I had to explain, but I could hardly say anything. Rather, there was nothing much to say.

     ‘I just did all of that to upgrade my skills.’ No–I can’t say that…then, perhaps I should state that I just wanted to see the future? But, if they were to ask me for my motives, I had no answer. I simply wanted to keep my skills polished for the future.

     “Raen Hyung. I won’t do this anymore.” I’d rather tell him my future convictions rather than hand him a clumsy excuse. I had to sort out his current worries for now.

     Besides, I hadn’t lied. Now that my ‘Foreseen Future’ skill had been upgraded to the intermediate level, there was no need to draw blood anymore.

     Raen bit his lips as he looked at me; transparent tears still ran down his cheeks. “Yihan, I know I’m untrustworthy.”

     What’s with that sudden confession? I had zero ideas what the context of those words were. Also, Raen was a reliable person: he’s good at magic–competent enough to help Song Ha-gyeon study the cracks in the world.

     Of course, Raen didn’t seem to believe me; the quest success notification had yet to appear.

     “Still, if you don’t mind my help, I would like for you to speak with me.” Raen, quietly continuing to speak, pressed down on the bleeding wound before partially removing the cloth to check on the injury’s status. Seeing that the bleeding had nearly stopped, he lowered my arm.

     Raen reached out, hand slightly above my head. I could still feel the lingering warmth left behind by his touch.

     “It’s harder than you think to keep everything locked up inside,” Raen said, laughing bitterly. Then, wiping his tears as if nothing happened, he summoned a bottle of red liquid. While spilling the liquid onto my forearm, he continued to speak. “This might hurt a little.”

     “It’s alright, Hyung. It doesn’t hurt.” I was truly fine since I couldn’t feel any pain, thanks to the system. I didn’t want to make him worry needlessly.

     Raen frowned, furrowing his eyes before quickly relaxing his expression again. Then, speaking as if his voice was jammed in his throat, “Even if everything seems alright, things might not actually be alright.”

     Raen carefully wiped the liquid off my forearm with a thin cloth; his gentle brushes slightly tickled me. Raen took out a new bandage and said, “Slowly–on your own time–tell me whatever you want. I’ll wait for you, Yihan.”

     His straightforward gaze felt as if it could pierce through me; the red glow emphasized Raen’s face, highlighting the tracks left behind by his tears.

     ‘Then, Raen Hyung, will you trust me?’

     I suddenly wanted to ask him that question. My required quest was still unfinished. Of course, even if I were successful, perhaps he’d feel deceived that I was acting on behalf of a system. He couldn’t see these system windows; it’s not like I could be honest about these given quests. I knew very well that this dissonance could never be truly resolved.

     I swallowed the words back down my throat; for some reason, my heart felt sour despite the logic behind this choice.

     “I would prefer if you wouldn’t speak about what just happened, Raen Hyung,” I said.

     After hearing that, Raen flinched and froze.

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