Chapter 4: 4. Pretty Mean

Nobody was talking. Inside the club room Maya and Ben sat on one side of the table, and a pair they had just met twenty minutes earlier, Jamie and Sky, on the other. Both were non-binary members of the club and signed up to work on the trans section of the fair. The group was supposed to be planning out a design, but the previous conversation had left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

 

It started with a simple suggestion from Maya. An idea to put a small statue staring at a mirror with a horrible, disgusting creature on the other side. Intending to represent gender dysphoria in its most extreme form, she was proud of it and figured the others would at least consider it. And Ben seemed to like it! The other two, however, were not as interested.

“I’m just not sure this is the experience for all trans people, ya know?” Jamie said.

“Oh okay, sorry. What do you think would be a better representation?” Maya asked.

Sky spoke this time, “We were actually talking before this and thought something along the lines of someone breaking free from the chains of societal expectations would be perfect.”

Ben let out a sardonic laugh.

Why is he laughing? Does he want them both to hate him?

Jamie glared at him. “You don’t like our idea?”

Before he could retort, Maya intervened. “I think that’s really good too! My only concern is that… my ‘chains’ feel more biological than societal, I suppose.”

“Yeah!” Sky said, “That’s a great point, maybe one chain can represent society and the other can be biology.”

Maya smiled. “That sounds good!”

But Jamie and Ben were not smiling. In fact, they looked quite upset.

“I guess…” Ben muttered.

Jamie set their hand on the table. “You should be happy we’re even doing a compromise. We showed this idea to lots of people and they all loved it.”

“Yeah?” Ben leaned forward to speak, “Well, you should be happy you’re even allowed to work on this section.”

Ben, what are you doing?? Why is everyone getting this upset about a dumb project?

Maya and Sky both sank down into their seats and exchanged worried glances.

“Really?” Jamie started to raise their voice. “And which section would you allow us to work on, huh?”

“The Q seems more appropriate, don’t you think? Aren’t most of the people working on it non-binary anyway?” Ben’s voice rose to match.

 

She could feel the intense heat of Ben silently fuming next to her. It obviously wasn’t his first time having this type of discussion. I had no clue people argued about stuff like this. 

“Guys,” Maya broke the silence, “we’re all trans, we’re all doing this together, I’m sure we can find a middle ground that we all–”

“Clearly he doesn’t think so,” Jamie gestured toward Ben.

Maya’s head started to hurt. This club was supposed to help her feel like part of a community, like she had a home. But this felt nothing like that. It was just the real world again on a smaller scale. People fighting and arguing and not seeing eye-to-eye.

“Right,” Ben said. “I don’t think we’re the same. It’s obvious we have different experiences than you.” He stood up, overshadowing the whole table. “You didn’t transition, you didn’t grow up hating your body, you don’t have to rely on the healthcare system for hormones. You’re so incredibly detached from what being trans is.”

Jamie stood up as well. “You don’t know anything about me. My struggles being different doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I was assigned one gender at birth, now I identify as another. That’s trans, right? Same as you? Do you think the hormones you take make you special? Whatever, you aren’t worth the energy. I’ll join the other group if you promise to never talk to me again.” They grabbed their bag and left the table.

Sky began to follow suit, albeit looking more reluctant than their friend. They met eyes with Maya and shrugged. Maya wanted to say sorry, only able to mouth the word before they were gone.

Ben sighed, staring up at the ceiling. For a minute or two he didn’t say a word. Maya wondered what could have been going on inside his head.

“I was really mean there, wasn’t I?” Ben asked. He turned toward Maya for confirmation.

“Yeah… yeah, that was pretty mean,” Maya said. The normal cheery tone she had whenever she spoke with him was missing.

In the few weeks that they had known each other, Ben never showed anger like that. Sadness, once or twice, but not anger. This is a whole new side of him. Is this who I want to associate with? Why did that feel so cruel? He’s never like that with me. Is there some history there I don’t know about? Still, there has to be some better way for him to feel represented than whatever that just was. She was finding it hard to look him in the eye.

A few seconds passed without them saying a word, then Ben sat back down. “Sorry, I probably made you a new enemy for no reason.” He set his head in his hands. “It’s just tiresome. I hate the idea that somebody would think I transitioned just to ‘stick it to society’ or whatever. You know?”

“I get that… it would bother me too. But do you think doing their idea would make people think that about you?” Maya asked. She was determined to find out why that side of Ben showed itself the way it did.

“It might. People have thought that in the past.” Ben turned his head away from Maya. “It’s part of the reason I only transitioned a couple years ago.”

Maya felt a pit start to form in her stomach. Not the normal nausea from talking with Ben, instead it was a feeling of dread that she was about to hear something awful.

“I knew I was trans when I was really young,” Ben turned back toward Maya. “Much younger than when I started. My parents weren’t supportive at all. Nobody in my family was. They told me I was delusional, that it was a coping mechanism, that all young ’women’ hate their bodies. I had to wait until I was on my own to start transitioning. So much of my youth was wasted…”

It was hard for Maya to respond. Going through such an awful experience for so long, did that give him the right to be so vicious to Jamie? Obviously not. Tears still welled up in her eyes at hearing Ben’s struggles though. As much as she wanted to reprimand him, she also knew he was hurting and wanted to console him. “I’m sorry. My parents weren't supportive at first, but they did finally come around. I wish yours were the same…”

“Me too.” Ben sat up straight and started to fumble around in his bag. “I just don’t get why anyone would choose to live like this. It’s insane to me.”

Maya wished she had an answer that would make everyone happy. A way to explain both sides to each other without any ill will left over. Unfortunately, she hadn’t even known this schism in the community existed until today.

However, Ben seemed fine without an answer and pulled a notebook out of his bag. “Here, let’s keep working out ideas. We could at least have something come from all of this.” He began to jot down some of the concepts that had already been discussed.

The sounds of him quickly scribbling on paper somehow put Maya a little more at ease. Well, the crisis was most certainly NOT averted but I guess it’s gone for now. Her tears had dried up and she could see clearly again. After a few deep breaths she realized Ben was mumbling to himself. Though she couldn’t make out the words, she still thought it was cute. It grounded her, reminded her that she really liked the cute, passionate, offbeat guy next to her. Maybe she could get him to chill out or change his mind on everything that happened with Jamie and Sky.

“Honestly I think we can just go with your original idea,” Ben said. “I’m not sure we can come up with a better way to express dysphoria.”

“I’m sure we could improve it a tiny bit,” Maya responded. “You said you had some good ideas, right? Tell me!”

Ben’s eyes shifted to the side and he sighed. “No, I was kidding. Sorry. I couldn’t think of anything.”

“Oh…” Maya wasn’t sure she believed him but she was still feeling too raw from all the earlier conversations to pry. “That’s fine. You should come up with at least one thing that could improve my design, okay?”

“Fine, fine, make me somewhat useful I guess.” He tried to hide his smile but Maya saw it immediately. “Hmm, so a person looking at a mirror and seeing a monster. Were you thinking of a man or a woman?”

“I guess I was thinking of a woman, since it made sense to me. But we can make it about a man! I really don’t mind.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” Ben stayed silent for a while, just tapping his pen on the table. “Actually,” his head perked up, “what if we do both? Like, a man and a woman on each side of the mirror, staring at each other and hating it because… ah nevermind.”

“No, keep going!”

“Like they’re both afraid they look like the opposite and it sort of points out the tragedy of it all. They both desperately want what the other has, but it’s impossible to share with each other.” Ben started to write but stopped quickly. “No, that’s stupid. The monster idea is better.”

“I like it!” Maya put her hand on his notebook and leaned toward him. “I think that’s really really good! You should write that down.”

“Really?” Ben reluctantly picked his pen back up.

“Yes, really! It doesn’t favor trans women over trans men, it points out something lots of people might not think about. It takes it all to another level!”

“Okay. I guess I’ll write it down.”

Maya smiled from ear to ear as she watched him put his idea on the page. It made her hopeful again, after the immense doubt that struck her earlier. “What should the people look like, you think? It would be weird if they looked like us, right?”

“I mean they don’t have to look exactly like us, a pretty generic looking man and woman would be best to get the message across.”

“So not visibly trans?” Maya asked.

“What?” Ben stopped writing. “We don’t have to. Do you think that you look visibly trans?”

“Umm, is that a trick question?”

Ben shook his head. “You’re so stupid,” he spoke under his breath.

“Hey! You’re not that quiet, you know.”

“Sorry,” Ben fixed his eyes on her. “You’re SO stupid!”

A few heads from nearby tables turned to face them.

“Keep your voice down!” Maya hissed through her teeth. He didn’t seem to notice or care about the people around them. Instead, he flashed her a goofy smile and continued on.

“How can you think you don’t pass when I literally didn’t realize you were trans when we first met?” Ben asked. “And don’t you have a job where none of your co-workers know?”

Maya refused to accept the convincing point he had just made. “I think you’re just trying to get me to shut up. You can’t say it’s not obvious now that you know.”

“Yeah, true. Didn’t think about that, thanks for pointing it out.” Ben went back to jotting down in his notebook.

“Okay hold on, seriously?” Maya said.

“No!” He didn’t look at her as he spoke. “You just look like a cute college girl, nothing weird.”

Maya blushed. Stupid. He’s just trying to get me all flustered. An idea popped into her head. We’ll see how he handles a bit of his own medicine. She smirked and started to speak in a very dramatic voice. “I guess you’re right. And you’re just the average university stud that all the girls fawn over. We’re just a couple of normal people.”

Ben stopped and smirked back. “Girls fawn over me, huh? Any in particular?”

“Umm, well, not like uh–” Maya stammered.

“Here, take a look at this.” He stopped her short and slid his notebook over to her.

The page was filled with crossed out words and scratchy handwriting. Toward the bottom she could make out their idea written down, alongside a basic doodle of the mirror they discussed.

Wow, even his handwriting passes.

“Yeah, this is great! Perfect, even.” Maya said. “I think people will like it a lot.”

“I think so too. We should get started on it soon. We have a little less than a month to finish, and it might take awhile.”

“Mhm, yeah. I’ll make a list of materials we’ll need and we can meet up in a few days, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan!” Ben said.

Maya stopped to take a few deep breaths. She was shoving an old shopping cart up a small hill, hurrying to meet Ben on time. The cart was filled with all of the supplies and tools they might have to use for their project, as well as a small cooler with some sandwiches she prepared that morning. God this is hard, I kinda miss my old strength. The price I have to pay for nuking my testosterone levels. With one last gulp of air, she started to push again.

The manual labor didn’t really bother her, she just hoped that she wouldn’t leave Ben waiting too long. She already feared it might be an awkward meet-up so avoiding any other mishaps was her main goal. Still, her worries added to the weight of the load.

Neither she nor Ben knew a lot about woodworking, which was going to be necessary for the base of their sculpture. Luckily, Ethan knew enough to do what they needed. That meant that Ben and Ethan would be hanging out for at least a couple hours. Not ideal, but it needed to be done. Maya was also trying to see it as a way to open up more with both of her friends. And she would keep telling herself that in order to not go into full-blown panic mode.

Soon the hill leveled out, and the last two blocks she had to walk were smooth and free of obstacles. She agreed to meet Ben in a small park at the edge of campus, where they could work away from people while also not worrying about paint fumes choking them. As soon as she saw the park entrance she could see him, all set up in a raggedy patch of grass with a big tarp laid out and the paint he promised to bring.

His face lit up when he spotted her and he jogged over. “Hey!” He yelled as he approached. “That looks really heavy, let me help.” He reached her quickly and put his hands on the cart.

“Oh, that’s fine. I pushed it all the way here already.” Maya said.

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“And that must have been really hard, seriously, let me. Let me get some use out of all this testosterone.”

Maya chuckled inwardly at him having the opposite thought as her. “Okay, okay,” she obliged and watched him push the cart to the tarp with ease.

He’s already back to being so nice and thoughtful. Was the other day just a fluke? Maybe he doesn’t actually hate Jamie and just had an off day. I should reach out to them and see how they’re doing.

They unpacked the cart, laying out a few pieces of wood, brushes for the paint, a couple blocks of sculpting foam, a hammer and some nails, and a piece of glass. Ben spotted the cooler and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s in there?” He asked.

“Oh! I packed a small lunch for us. Just some sandwiches, nothing big.”

“Aw, that’s so thoughtful.” Ben smiled. “By the way, where’s the other guy? Ethan, right?”

“Yeah, Ethan will be here soon, his shift ended like twenty minutes ago.”

“Cool, cool.” Ben stared at all of the materials laid out on the tarp beneath them. “So how do you two know each other again?”

“High school. He was sort of my only friend before joining this club, to be honest…” Maya said. She rubbed her arm and turned to the side.

“Ah, so he’s not like your boyfriend or anything then.”

“What? No! Of course not!” Maya found herself getting upset. Why does it bother me that he thought that? And why does he even care??

“Okay, jeez, sorry for asking.”

“Sorry for asking what?” A new voice popped up from behind Maya.

She turned around, seeing Ethan holding a red toolbox.

“Hey, Ethan!” She looked to Ben to make sure he wasn’t about to repeat what he had just said. “We were wondering when you’d get here!”

Ethan lifted up his toolbox and shook it, summoning lots of clanging and rattling. “Ah, I had to get my tools. Want to make sure your project is as good as possible, right?”

“Definitely,” Ben said. He stepped toward Ethan and held out his hand. “I’m Ben, nice to meet you.”

Ethan set down his tools and accepted the handshake. “Hey, I’m Ethan. Maya’s told me a lot about you, it’s good for her to have a friend like you. I was worried I’d be the only person she ever talked to again.” Ethan laughed but Maya started to panic.

A friend like you? Does he mean that in a bad way? Like because Ben’s trans? Or does he just mean a close friend at school? She scanned Ben’s face to see how he reacted to it, but he looked completely fine. Maybe I’m overthinking it… Or maybe Ben is just great at hiding his feelings? 

The two ended their handshake and a silence overtook the trio. Maya started shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Oh god, I knew it would be like this. This is awkward, why is it awkward?

About five seconds passed before Ben clapped his hands together. “Well let’s get started, shall we?”

“Yes! Let’s!” Maya shouted, kneeling down to grab some wood.

Ethan quickly guided her into what he needed done, as far as positioning the planks while he drilled and hammered away. She was amazed at how good he was at the whole process. He had mentioned working with his dad on some projects before, though she never saw any of the finished pieces.

While they worked on the stand, Ben began to cut a fake stone slab out of the foam. It was to sit on top of the wooden base and make the whole creation fit a darker, more primal vibe. At least that was what they had planned a few days prior. Neither of them were very convinced that it would turn out that way.

Maya wished she could help Ben more, but the wood stand needed two pairs of hands to turn out well. Ethan had told her all the measurements they would need before she got the wood, speeding up their job quite a bit. Still, they had to keep making sure each piece was attached properly and not wobbly, as well as taking it to the sidewalk nearby to check it was level.

After an hour, Ben felt satisfied with his rock and stood up. “Okay,” he said. “What’s next?”

“We could do lunch?” Maya said. “The sandwiches need to be eaten before the ice pack gets too warm.”

Ethan instantly stopped what he was doing. “Sandwiches? Hell yeah!” He set down his drill and walked toward the cooler.

“Yeah, I made a peanut butter and jelly, a ham and cheese, and a turkey club.” Maya said proudly while she pulled them out. “Now who wants what?”

“You should pick first, Maya,” Ethan said. “Since you spent all the time making them.”

“Oh, I don’t really mind, I like all three of these. Just tell me which one you want.”

“Well in that case, I’ll take the ham.”

Ben piped up. “Aw, I wanted that one. I guess a turkey club is fine, though.”

“Ah sorry dude,” Ethan shrugged. “I asked for it first, so ya know… I wanted it first. Should be mine.”

“Uh, sure. Doesn’t really matter.” Ben held out his hands and Maya tossed him the turkey sandwich. As she did, he put on a strange face and mouthed out a very distinct “What?”

Maya handed Ethan the ham sandwich then took the PB&J that was leftover. It was the one she wanted, anyway. The three sat down and ate, nobody saying much aside from meaningless comments about how sunny it was that day. Maya hoped the other two felt more comfortable than she did. This is normal. This is NOT weird… right? These two love to talk, why are they so quiet?

Ben was the first to notice the rowdy group of students getting closer to them. About a hundred feet away, six people were walking down the sidewalk. “Hey,” he said, “I think I have a class with some of those guys.” Standing, Ben crumpled up his now empty sandwich wrapper and approached the group.

Maya turned to see what he was talking about and froze. She recognized three of the people Ben was headed toward. Two were in her chemistry lab, and the other was a co-worker. Specifically, the co-worker Maya heard complaining about trans people a few weeks prior.

If a single person in that group found out her secret, they would all know. And then everyone in her class would know, everyone at her work would know, Karen would know…

Oh no. Oh god, oh no, they can’t see me working on this. Maya got up and began to slowly back away. Maybe I can pretend I’m just helping Ben. Yeah, that could work. They don’t need to know I’m in the club. Her feet kept retreating until she bumped into a nearby tree. Without a second thought she slid to the other side of it, praying nobody saw her.

She could hear Ethan walk over and start talking to them as well. It wasn’t easy to make out what they were saying. She was fairly certain nobody had mentioned her? The conversation was short, probably nothing more than a quick greeting and what they were working on. All the same, Maya stayed behind that tree until she heard the group had moved on. Only then did she creep out and walk back to the tarp.

“There you are!” Ben said. “We were wondering where you went.”

“Oh, umm, “ Maya looked down, “just… I saw a bee. And um, it scared me.”

Neither of them looked convinced. Ethan picked up his drill, seemingly willing to move on. Ben on the other hand wouldn’t let her escape.

“You were hiding from those guys,” Ben said.

Maya stood silent for a moment, shifting her weight from one foot to the other and focusing her eyes away from his. She didn’t want to lie, but she wanted to avoid this conversation, especially since she doubted Ethan would understand her motives at all.

“What did you tell them?” She asked.

“Just that we were working on something for a club.” Ben looked more confused than upset, but Maya could see a tinge of hurt in his eyes. “And I told them you were working with us, sorry if that causes any problems for you.”

Ethan had tried to go back to his woodworking, though their conversation had him staring at his drill while doing nothing.

“Did you tell them what club? Or which part?” Maya’s voice had more urgency than she intended.

The tension in Ben’s eyes lessened as he chuckled. “No, I didn’t. We mostly talked about what they were doing and they seemed in a rush to get out of here if I’m being honest. Is that all you were worried about?”

Maya sighed in relief, answering Ben’s question without words. Ben simply shook his head and smiled before walking back to his part of the project.

“Let’s finish this up, huh?”

They got back into the flow of working right away. This time Ben worked on painting the foam rock he had carved, while Ethan and Maya were determined to get the wooden base completed before the end of the day. Their goal was to have a sturdy hexagon that stood a little over four feet tall. Ethan promised it would be simple and sure enough in another hour everyone had finished what they set out to do. Maya stood up to admire what they had accomplished.

“Wow,” she said. “We actually did it.”

“You know we aren’t done yet,” Ben said. “We’ll have to paint the base and then finish the top on a different day.”

“I know but this is a really good start!” She turned to face Ethan, who was packing up his tools. “Thank you so much, Ethan! We seriously couldn’t have finished this without your help.”

“No big deal, I love doing this kind of stuff, anyway.”

“I guess we should pack up everything…” Maya looked at the mess scattered across the ground. Even though they had a lot less than they started with, it was still overwhelming. Thankfully, Ben and Ethan helped her get the wooden base into the cart along with all the other supplies.

“Hey,” Ethan put his hand on the cart handle, “let me push this back for you, it’s going to be harder to control now that the base is throwing off the weight balance.”

“No, no, don’t worry. I’ll seriously be fine.” Maya tried to take her place behind the cart, however Ethan didn’t budge.

“Come on, I can do it way easier than you. And it’s not that far out of my way either.”

Ben, who had just finished getting his tarp and paint together, chimed in. “Just let him do it, Maya. Accept that you’re a weakling.”

Maya rolled her eyes. “Fine! If you wanna do more free labor then by all means, go nuts.”

“Hey, uh,” Ben held up his hand. “I guess we’ll talk later?”

“Of course!” Maya nodded. “Are you gonna be okay getting home with all of that?”

“Yeah, yeah. My buddy is driving here to take me home with all this junk. Don’t worry.”

“Okay, cool. Then yeah… talk later…” Maya felt unable to say much else with Ethan there next to her.

Her and Ethan headed out of the park and toward Maya’s apartment. She couldn’t get the image of Ben looking nervous as they left out of her head. Why was he acting strange? Does he not like how our stuff turned out today? I thought we all did good! Maybe those people he talked to said something to him.

Ethan cleared his throat, breaking her thought spiral. “So Ben seems cool.”

Maya nodded. “Definitely! I’m really glad we met in the club. He’s sorta the only person there I ever talk to.”

She thought she saw Ethan make a face from the corner of her eye.

“You like him a lot?” He asked.

“Umm,” Maya’s stomach started to flutter. “Like, yeah of course I like him, he’s my friend, isn’t he?”

Ethan didn’t respond. He just hummed a single, low note and continued pushing onward.

Fear set in. She felt a cool tension in the air and in the back of her head she knew what it was. Still, she hoped she was wrong.

If I think hard enough, maybe I can stop him from saying anything weird. That’s a thing right? Manifesting? I just need to manifest him to not ask me out.

Maya tried to push the conversation to other topics a few times, but he would just give short answers and kill off any steam she tried to gain.

Before long, they had reached the front of Maya’s apartment complex. Ethan pushed the cart up to the door to make it as easy as possible for her. She was thankful she lived on the first floor, or it would have been impossible to get the cart up and down.

“Thanks again, for all of this.” Maya waved and started to head inside.

“Wait.” Ethan said.

Maya turned around and looked at him. He looked…scared? Something she was not used to seeing from him.

“Maya,” he started again, “I like you. A lot. And I think. That we should.” His hands were still tightly gripping the cart. “I think we should go on a date sometime!” He blurted out the last sentence.

Maya stood silent and still. Well, so much for manifesting.

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