Chapter 6: 6. Single Hiccup

Maya couldn’t convince her foot to stop tapping. The old man next to her at the bus stop didn’t seem annoyed, but she knew it must have been bothering him. If she wasn’t terrified of drawing unnecessary attention to herself she would have apologized. Ultimately, she did nothing. Except for tapping her foot, she kept doing that.

She looked down at her phone which was clutched in a deadly tight grip next to her. No new messages. Only three minutes late, that’s nothing to worry about. Only an idiot would worry, so I’m not worrying. No worries here. Not worried.

Out of necessity, she forced herself to look up at her surroundings. Anything but staring at her phone. The old man was reading a small book in his lap, of which his fingers covered the title. Maya wondered what it might be about. Maybe a mystery novel? Never mind, no magnifying glass on the cover. Or a biography, old people loved those. She could only theorize for so long before getting bored again.

Nothing else around her could distract her enough. There was an ad for a blood drive printed on the wall of the bus stop which had lost its novelty value on the twentieth readthrough. A nearby billboard looked interesting though she couldn’t read it from the angle she was sitting. It wasn’t even raining so that she could focus on the calming rhythm of the raindrops. Just a boring, gray, cloudy day. She wagered it had been at least five minutes since she last checked her phone, so she allowed herself a peek.

Alright now he’s… four minutes late. I could have sworn it was longer than that. Why is he late anyway? Is he not excited? He seemed excited, there’s no way, maybe he just got held up. That must be it.

Footsteps. Someone was walking toward the bus stop and about to come around the corner. Maya didn’t intend to stare but with nothing better to do she couldn’t stop herself. It had to be Ben. Nobody else had walked by the entire fifteen minutes she had been waiting, it was not at all a busy day.

Yet, when the steps reached the corner, a man Maya had never seen before walked by. Not Ben. Just a guy with his kid perched on his shoulders, laughing as they went. She did have to admit it was cute. Ever since she was little she knew she wanted kids. A stark contrast from her friends at the time. The thought of sharing everything she knew and everything she loved about the world with someone and helping them find their own way to love it gave her something to believe in. And doing all of that alongside a partner…

I wonder if Ben wants kids. He would make a great dad, he sees the world in such a fun way. We would have the cutest family ever I bet… Wait, what the fuck am I saying. Thinking about kids and a family before the first date has even started. I’m gonna scare him away so fast, get it together, Maya.

The man and his kid were already out of sight as they walked behind another building. She knew Ben had a habit of being late, so why was she so stressed out? While part of her had hoped he might make the extra effort to be on time for their first ever date, she wasn’t expecting flawless punctuality.

It had only been four days since she confessed and they shared their first kiss. It was even Ben’s idea to go to the movies together then have dinner afterward as their first date. And every time they texted he seemed super into it all. Cute little wake up texts filled with hearts, checking in on her throughout her boring work shifts. Every second had been perfect, from the kiss until now. So why did a single hiccup cause her to doubt everything?

Footsteps again. The same corner. She abandoned any notion of subtlety and stood up to get a closer look.

It was Ben.

Maya accidentally let out a little squeak in delight and ran toward him, though it was more of a skip than a run. She noticed he was wearing clothes she had never seen before. Did he buy them just for this date? He was also keeping one of his arms straight next to his side and a bit behind him. Was he hiding a gift? No, she wouldn’t get her hopes up.

She reached him between the building and the bus stop, and immediately wrapped him up in a hug. He reciprocated, and she felt both arms squeeze her tight.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said before Maya could even mention it. He broke the hug to kiss her on the cheek, making her face glow red hot.

“Oh, I wasn’t even here that long,” she said. All the worry that had built up melted away the second she spotted him coming around the corner. She kept that to herself though, to avoid weirding him out.

“I stopped to get this, hope it was worth it.” Ben lifted the arm he had been hiding earlier. Out in front of him, he held a single red rose.

Maya felt faint. None of it made any sense to her and she loved it. The whole concept of a man not only liking her, but liking her as much as she liked him. It was bliss. She would have sat there and savored the moment forever if she could. Her eyes started to well with tears.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked, his smile fading to slight concern.

Maya wiped the tears away from her eyes with an embarrassed grin. “Of course. I’m just really happy.” She took the rose from his hand. “Let’s make sure we don’t miss the bus, come on!” With a quick sprint back to the bus stop, Maya sat down, this time with Ben seated next to her.

She lifted the rose to her nose and closed her eyes. Her mind relaxed, something it hadn’t been able to do for a long time. The sweet floral scent kept her content and in the moment. Ben at her side, warming her up. The sound of him muttering to himself as double checked movie times on his phone. And of course the romantic gesture of the flower.

A ripple in her happy trance, a grumbling came from the other side of the bus stop. Maya looked up. The old man was still there and had just cleared his throat. His book was now closed and at his side, and he seemed to be staring at her. Or was he staring at Ben? Little bits of worry started to break her barrier. Could he tell they were trans? Did he not like how she was leaning on Ben? Was there some other bus stop rule that she had violated? Ben didn’t notice, or if he did he hid it well, as he kept tapping on his phone screen in a vain attempt to load the theater’s webpage faster.

“You had this young lady quite flustered, young man,” the stranger said.

Ben looked up, very confused. “Sorry, do you mean me?”

The old man nodded and cleared his throat again. “Yes, you! You left her waiting here for nearly half an hour. Back in my day if you did that to a girl she’d have your head on a spike! She certainly wouldn’t be happy to see ya!”

“Sorry I– Well, uhh– So the thing is–” Ben stammered.

Maya spoke up. “It’s okay, really. He was late because he was getting me this.” She stretched her arm toward the old man, proudly showing off her rose.

“I see. Well, if she’s happy I suppose you know what you’re doing.” He chuckled to himself then opened his book back up. “But miss,” he said as he looked Maya directly in the eyes over the top of his page. “Don’t let him make it a habit of upsettin’ you then making it up. Hold yourself to a higher standard.”

Maya nodded. “Thank you…” she muttered under her breath, unsure what the appropriate response was. She knew the man meant well but it was clear he had a completely different impression of how their dynamic worked.

And the way Ben was sweating made her realize how much he cared, and how sorry he must have felt. Not wanting him to worry too much, she rested her head on his shoulder in hopes it would calm him down.

“I should have sent a text, I’m sorry. I just wanted to have a cute surprise.” Ben whispered, though Maya figured the man could still hear him.

“Stop apologizing, I already forgave you.” Maya said, now with her eyes closed. She knew the bus was due any minute, but she silently wished it would never arrive and she could relax there against him all day.

And sure enough Maya could hear a large vehicle approaching; the familiar whirring of the bus announced its arrival. Ben nudged her, finally forcing her eyes back open. She dampened her instinct to whine and stood up, knowing their date would be worth getting up for.

The old man was already up by the bus, and Maya could finally make out what book he was holding: How to Save a Marriage in 30 Days.

 

Maya stepped off the bus after Ben, happy to be outside again. It was only a twelve minute ride but the air was stuffy, and she could feel everyone’s eyes on her the whole time. That all made it very hard to sleep on Ben’s shoulder, so she gave up three minutes in. Her date didn’t seem phased at all though. Every time he spoke, he seemed happier than the last time.

They were the only two to get off at that stop and the bus departed behind them. The theater was already in sight, no more than a block away. Ben broke into a brisk walk. Maya slipped the rose into her purse and followed suit. On their ride he had mentioned that the movie started sooner than he originally thought, and they might have to hurry to not miss the start.

Maya was happy to match his pace. She didn’t care what movie they were going to see,  she knew once they were there she could lean on Ben as much as she wanted for nearly two hours. He seemed to enjoy it both at the bus stop and on the bus itself, so she doubted that Ben would complain about the arrangement.

As soon as they entered the theater Maya’s nostrils were overwhelmed with the smell of popcorn. Just as they had planned it on the bus, Ben split off to grab their tickets while Maya headed to concessions for snacks and drinks. She refused the money he tried to hand her, insisting that she would pay for at least one thing herself.

The concession stand had short lines, luckily, and Maya was able to grab a bottle of water, a cup of root beer, and a medium popcorn which she promptly doused with butter.

“Hey!” Ben said from behind. Maya nearly jumped and dropped everything. “I have the tickets, we’re this way.” Immediately he rushed down the hall toward screen ten while she tried to keep up without spilling popcorn everywhere.

Finally, they reached their theater and settled down in their seats. And not a moment too soon, as the lights darkened and movie trailers started blaring.

“Here, this is yours,” Maya whispered as she handed Ben his cup.

“Thanks. I can hold the popcorn too,” he said.

Maya happily handed the bucket to him to keep in his lap. She didn’t mind helping by holding it, but if her arms were holding popcorn they couldn’t cling to Ben. Which, she immediately did with her hands finally free.

The sound of people settling into their seats mixed with Ben chomping on popcorn put her into a trance. Movie previews played but Maya hardly paid them any attention. Truth be told, she forgot what movie they came here to see until Ben reminded her on the bus. Punk Driver 2, which Maya assumed was a sequel to a movie she’d never seen before. But Ben was excited for it, and liked the first one, and Maya would gladly sit through it if it meant the date would go smoothly.

After one or two more trailers the lights got even darker, essentially shutting off completely other than the exit sign. There was one last wave of others in the theater shuffling around in the few seconds of silence before it began. Even Ben shifted his weight around in his seat.

Maya had heard before, from both Karen and the internet at large, that movie theaters were a bad idea for first dates. No talking, not even really looking at each other, no real way to test compatibility. That didn’t really make sense to her. If two people could sit next to each other without talking for that long and still say they had a good time, that had to mean something, right? Would she would love to be at a restaurant, gazing into Ben’s eyes while he devours an overpriced burger? Sure. But what made that any better? Others must not know that being able to hold on to him for so long was just as good.

She would also love to sit there and just fantasize about all she and Ben would do together in the weeks, months, maybe even years to come. But unfortunately, the movie started becoming hard to ignore. Maya saw a man on a motorcycle racing through cars in a traffic jam, with a helicopter tailing him from above. As much as part of her wanted to ask Ben what was happening, since she assumed the first movie explained some things, she decided to stay silent. Besides, this way she could make up a backstory in her head for the characters, which was always more fun.

Her imagination began to take over what she was seeing on the screen. To her, the man on the motorcycle was an ex-school teacher who taught illegal mathematics in a world that had banned any calculating. He was on the run from the math police, determined to bring the art of numbers back to the world. And his love interest wasn’t just some boring, run-of-the-mill woman who was there to sell more tickets. She was actually a descendent of Albert Einstein, and found a secret briefcase that had been passed down for generations with a powerful equation inside that would bring world peace…

Maya wondered if she was getting too invested in her own alternative story. If Ben wanted to talk about the movie afterward, it was likely she’d have no clue what actually happened. She doubted he would be that upset about it. She squeezed his arm a little tighter.

About halfway through the movie, a sex scene started. Maya wasn’t particularly phased. She didn’t really find the main guy attractive, and movie sex scenes are always the same anyway: all carefully framed shots of the actors’ upper bodies and artfully placed blankets. Ben, however, stirred. And he hadn’t stirred at all the whole movie, so Maya knew something was up.

No way this is making him horny… right?

Maya tried to look over and peek at him but it was too dark to make out any emotion on his face from the angle she was at. It wasn’t a big deal to her. So what if he got excited by a scene in a movie? It was just his testosterone doing its job. She did wonder just what was going through his head though.

Is he thinking about us? Would he be thinking about that this early? It’s only our first date! And there’s so much we would have to discuss first.

As a general rule, Maya liked to talk with any partners about how her being trans would affect anything physical that may happen. She also preferred to not get too intimate on a first date. However, the more she thought about it, the clearer it was that Ben was the exception.

Besides, we just said movie then dinner. Nothing about going anywhere private. We won’t have to worry about that… this time.

 

The rest of the movie was a mix of Maya trying to figure out what was happening, and going into mental tangents of worry about Ben’s expectations of her. Luckily she never let it get too out of hand. Being able to close her eyes for a few seconds and lean on Ben certainly helped.

As the lights flicked back on, and people got up and left their seats, Maya and Ben stayed to finish their popcorn.

“Probably not a good idea to keep eating this when we’re supposed to have dinner soon,” Ben said. Of course, he crammed a fistful of popcorn into his mouth right after.

“It just means we’ll order smaller meals,” Maya said. “Since you wanna buy me dinner so bad, your wallet will appreciate it.”

“What happened to you wanting to chip in?”

“That was for the movies.” Maya said, popcorn still in her mouth. She held up a finger while she finished swallowing. “Dinner is a different story. It’s cuter if the waiter sees you paying for me.”

Ben smiled and shook his head. “Going into debt so my date feels cuter…”

“And because you offered!” Maya reminded him. Truthfully she had no problem taking care of her half, but it wasn’t every day a trans girl got to go on a proper date. Was it wrong to want an authentic experience?

 

Maya and Ben followed the hostess to their table. A tiny one in the corner, with a stool on each side. Their glamorous dinner was in a chain restaurant, after all. Thankfully it meant prices would be low and she wouldn’t feel too guilty for making Ben pay. They both got up on their stools and thanked the hostess before she left.

“So, what are you ordering?” Ben asked, scanning the menu.

“We just got here!” Maya said. “It takes me at least ten minutes to figure out what I want, sorry if you were in a rush. And I’ll keep it cheap, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried about that. I just want to know so I can order for you. Figure I may as well go all out, right?”

Maya smiled and held up her menu to hide how red her cheeks just turned. As much as Ben joked about not being a gentleman, he knew how to make her feel special. A small piece of her felt bad. Cheated, even. Was this how her life would have been if she were cis? Why was she robbed of this feeling for so long? But she wasn’t being robbed of it anymore. Ben was there, and he was different. He was what she had needed for so long. Someone who could actually see her as a woman.

She took a deep breath and focused on the menu. There were better times to unpack her  trauma that weren’t in the middle of a chain restaurant. And she already teared up once for a dumb reason, she wouldn’t let it happen twice on the same date.

Pasta, wings, burgers, ribs…

The visual of her eating something so messy in front of Ben on their first date made her chuckle. As entertaining as that would be, and she was sure he wasn’t the type to care about something like that, she set her eyes on a small dish of rice and chicken and pointed it out to Ben.

“Wow, that was way faster than ten minutes. Are you sure?” He teased her. “I haven’t even read every burger option yet.”

“Get the one with bacon on it. That’s what every guy does at every restaurant I’ve ever been to. There’s no fighting it, you will have to give in eventually.”

He smiled at her and set his menu down. “Is it bad that that’s the one I was considering the most?”

“See! It’s a rule of the universe.”

Ben opened his mouth to speak but before he could get a word out, a waiter approached their table. He had two glasses of water in his hands and set one each down in front of them.

“Sup dudes! My name’s Reggie, and I’m going to be taking care of you tonight. Can I get you anything else to drink as a start?”

The man couldn’t have been much older than Maya, and he had his hair dyed bright red. Maya did notice he was on the shorter side, probably a few inches shorter than her or Ben. But other than the vibrant hair color he looked quite plain. His high energy did make up for it though.

“Oh just water is fine, but we have our orders already.” Ben said.

“Great! That’s perfect, what will you two be having?” Reggie said as he whipped out his notepad.

“The lady will have the chicken and rice, and for me I’ll take the cowboy burger.” Ben spoke clearly and pointed to images as he ordered.

Reggie nodded and scribbled in his pad, then flipped it shut. “Alright, I’ll put this in and bring it out when it’s ready! Let me know if y'all need more water or anything.” He smiled one last time and walked away.

As soon as he was out of earshot Maya started giggling.

Ben looked at her with his head tilted. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, that was just sort of surreal.” She set her elbows on the table and cradled her chin.

You are reading story The Heart’s Reflection at novel35.com

“Ah, true. Not everyday you meet a guy with neon hair named Reggie.”

“Not that!” Maya tried not to raise her voice too loud. “Just… you ordering for me felt nice. That’s all. I know that sounds dumb.”

“It doesn’t sound dumb.” Ben’s expression changed from playful to compassionate. “It’s sweet. And a little sad. But the good news is I’m gonna do it next time we go out too, so get used to it.”

Once again, Maya was struggling to not start bawling in public.

 

The walk back to the bus stop was peaceful. Their dinner was great, the food wasn’t perfect but they didn’t expect it to be. It was the chance to talk and stare at each other and not have anything else to worry about that made it great.

Ben pulled Maya close to him. The chilly weather made for a good excuse. She could hear his breathing much better. It was almost shaky.

Is he that cold? Is he nervous about something? Maya had gone the last half of dinner without any intrusive, pessimistic thoughts. One day they would stop, she hoped.

“I had a really good time,” Maya said. She figured he might be worried the date went poorly.

“Same,” Ben said matter-of-factly.

Oh, so he hated it. I should have just paid my half, he probably just offered as a joke and now he thinks I’m some weird money-obsessed freak.

“Actually,” Ben piped up again, “what if instead of ending here we go to my place?”

Maya’s stomach started to act up for the first time that day. “Just like, just to, like, hang out right?” She stammered.

“Yeah! Or, you know, whatever.” Ben smiled at her and squeezed her shoulder.

Her brain began to split. She liked Ben a lot, and wanted him more than anything. But, she also had no clue what he was expecting, what he would or wouldn’t be okay with. And asking would imply that she had certain expectations, and what if she was misinterpreting everything? Still, she needed to answer before it became awkward.

“Okay! Let’s go.” Maya decided. She figured that if things heated up she could always bring the topic up then. And at the end of the day she really did want to be with Ben.

They smiled at each other and nodded.

 

The bus ride back was much better. There were less people, it was easier to breathe, and the few people that were there never bothered looking at her. She could easily put all of her attention on Ben, who was doing the same to her.

As soon as they were seated Ben set his hand on Maya’s thigh. The jolt that flew through her body in that moment got rid of any fears she had about continuing the date. Thoughts of what might happen played in her head, exciting her further.

They could make out without interruption. They might take things further, or even just cuddling for the night would make her ecstatic. Whatever was going to happen, Maya just knew she wanted Ben to keep touching her.

 

After getting off the bus and a short walk, the two finally entered Ben’s apartment. He had assured her that his roommate was out for the weekend, so nobody would bother them.

Maya looked around the apartment, taking in everything that Ben was used to seeing every day. It was tidier than she expected. Though, it was still fairly messy. A couple of plates on the coffee table, a mess of wires under the television. But the floor was swept and the kitchen looked clean from what she could see.

“Here, let me take your jacket.” Ben said.

Maya nodded and slipped out of the sleeves before handing it to him. He hung it up, along with his own coat, on the rack by the door.

He gestured toward the couch. “Sit, please. I’ll put something on.”

Again, Maya nodded and grinned. Her fears were vanishing as time went on. She knew Ben. She trusted Ben. If they did start anything and a problem arose, they would talk it out and move forward. She seated herself on one end of the couch, though a bit toward the middle so she would still be near him if he sat on the opposite end.

Ben walked over and picked the remote off the table. The TV lit up, and he quickly put on a show Maya had never heard of. It looked like an anime, which she knew he liked a lot. “Hope you don’t mind Super Ball K. It’s sort of a masterpiece, I think you’ll love it.” He set the controller back down and sat on the couch, right next to Maya.

She bit her lip. He had been close to her all day but this was the first time they’ve been alone the entire time. Scenarios played in her head, some brand new, some she had pictured nights prior. As the show played on and she did her best to seem like she was paying attention, Ben was all that existed in her head. Every few seconds she would sneak a peek at him, wishing he would turn the show off and make something happen.

She felt foolish in a way. The whole day she had no problem leaning on him and holding on to him, and now it seemed almost impossible to make herself do it. On top of that, her worries of doing something intimate on the first date had flipped entirely to an impatient desire.

Before she knew it, an entire twenty-minute episode had passed. During the entire thing Ben hadn’t even given a hint that he might touch her, in fact he didn’t say a word. Karen’s words echoed in Maya’s head. He might need a shove.

The next episode started playing. She knew it was time for something to happen, and he still wasn’t budging. Not wanting to be too obvious, she leaned her head on Ben’s shoulder and hugged his arm. Something she had done half a dozen times that day, it wouldn’t freak him out. He leaned into her.

Okay that’s a good sign. Let’s try this now.

She looked up and saw he was still laser focused on the show. It would have been cute, if she wasn’t desperate for his touch at the moment. With a deep breath, she took her hand and poked a finger at his ribs. A few weeks ago she read online that tickling a guy makes him want to pin you down.

“Ow. What was that for?” Ben asked.

Shit, I’m an idiot. Last time I listen to the internet about men.

“Oh umm… nothing.” Maya said, not at all smooth.

Ben didn’t seem too phased, as he simply shrugged and turned back to the TV. Desperation was beginning to set in. She didn’t know that many tricks to start something with a guy, and the ones she did know didn’t seem to be working.

At that point she’d given up any pretense of watching his show. She sat staring at him, detailing every part of his face. Still, no ideas came to her. Ben seemed to notice her gaze burning into him, and looked her in the eyes. He looked nervous, almost.

Wasn’t this his idea? Why does he look scared? Did he not think this through?

She was about to give up when he kissed her. Despite wanting it, and enjoying it, it startled her. It felt just as good as the other day– no, better. They had nothing to do until tomorrow, nobody was around, they could be there for hours this time.

Ben ended the kiss, and reached out for the remote. Maya worried for a split second that he was going to put on another show until the TV clicked off.

“Sorry for making you watch that.” He said.

Maya would have responded, but Ben had already turned to her and resumed their kiss. She closed her eyes, fully prepared to enjoy the moment. Soon she could feel herself leaning backward, and Ben followed her until her back was firmly on the couch and he was on top of her.

The feeling of all his weight on her awoke something she hadn’t felt before. Almost on instinct, she took his bottom lip in her teeth and gave it a light bite. His reaction was subtle, yet immediate. He had one hand planted on the couch next to her to prop himself up, and put his other on Maya’s stomach, starting to slowly slide under her shirt. She was excited to see where it would end up.

Suddenly, something clicked in Maya’s head. Since their first kiss, she felt a strange familiarity. Specifically a lingering taste. It wasn’t bad, in fact she liked it a lot. She just couldn’t place what it was. But at that moment it became very clear. The taste was Ben. Not like his flesh, she wasn’t a cannibal, just him as a whole. The taste made her feel exactly the same as his smell, or hearing his voice, or just looking at him. She had no clue what to do with that information, only that it felt profound. It made her realize just how special Ben was.

Eventually Ben’s wandering hand found something. A tug at the bottom of Maya’s bra pulled her out of the trance the kiss held her in. For a few moments she just let him go, to see what he would do. It wasn’t very impressive. He spent nearly a whole minute just trying to slip a finger underneath.

There’s no way this bumbling idiot used to be a girl.

Maya broke off the kiss to whisper in his ear. “How about we just take the shirt off?” She suggested. He nodded excitedly, taking the opportunity to catch his breath. Her hands, which had been gripping Ben’s shoulders since he fell onto her, disappeared into her sleeves. “Help please?” She asked. He was happy to oblige, and soon Maya’s shirt was on the floor.

Ben’s demeanor instantly changed. No longer was he second guessing his movements, he was ready to lead the way. But Maya didn’t think it would be fun to give up control so easily. When he put his hands on her bra she peeled them away and held up a finger.

“One second. I have an idea.” She wiggled out from under him and positioned him so he was sitting nicely on the couch. Then she straddled him, one thigh on each side of his hips.

The grin that appeared on his face told her all she needed. Maya would have loved to keep looking at his smile, but she needed to taste him again. She put a hand on his shoulder and one on his chest and finally submitted as Ben pulled her into another kiss.

He wasn’t afraid to do what he wanted this time. His hands alternated between grabbing her behind and squeezing, and grabbing her hips and pulling them down into him. She had no idea which one she preferred.

Then she felt it. A stirring she knew would come. She wished it would go away forever. Her plan was to have a mature conversation about this before it ever came to this point. Clearly that had failed. She decided to keep ignoring it. Everything was going so well, and it’s not like he would be surprised. And it might stop there and not get worse.

Finally, Ben remembered what he had wanted so badly earlier. His hands left her hips and went to her back, unclasping Maya’s bra. She felt left out and snuck her hands up his shirt, tracing a line all the way up to his chest. It felt tight. He had mentioned getting top surgery in the past, and she knew he used to be an athlete. Another surreal moment in a week full of them: she was making out, and further, with an athlete.

Ben’s hands were on a similar journey. As clunky as he was earlier, he now had her anticipating each new move he made toward her chest.

His arm brushed the side of her breast. It felt incredible but–

More stirring. It would be fine. They were both enjoying themselves.

Ben’s hand was now cupping her left side, though Maya was starting to lose focus of the enjoyment.

He squeezed, and a few things happened. First, Maya yelped. In pleasure, mostly. Second, the stirring reached a tipping point. She could feel herself poking Ben’s stomach, which meant he could feel it too. And lastly, her eyes shot open.

“I’m sorry.” Maya stopped the kiss and stood up. Ben’s hands slid down her side, grazing her waist and hips until she was out of reach. “I’m super sorry, we should have talked about this before–”

“What are you talking about?” Ben asked.

“Like, because… you know…” Maya found it impossible to vocalize.

“I know you’re trans, Maya. I know what to expect.”

It was too late. Maya’s brain was scrambled and no amount of deep breathing could sort it out. She rapidly scanned the room, finding her bra and shirt that had been tossed aside.

Ben stood up and tried to reach for Maya’s hand. “Are you okay? Do you need a glass of water or–”

“Yeah, yes please, that might… that should be… help.” Her breathing sped up as she rushed to put her clothes back on. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a small bathroom and headed toward it while Ben went to the kitchen.

Once inside she shut the door and turned the fan on. She sat on the closed toilet lid and just focused on the white noise. Still, a voice pierced through it.

You’re not the real thing. This is just a game of dress-up that’s gone too far. Running from problems only makes them worse, you have to accept what you really are.

She started brushing her hair with her fingers and closed her eyes tight. Count to ten, then count down. That’s what Karen had told her. But Karen didn’t know who Maya really was. She didn’t know Maya was a faker, and that normal tactics would fail with her.

No guy would pick you over an actual woman. All the people you’ve tricked are going to wake up and desert you sooner or later. It’s only a matter of time before this all ends.

A knock at the door.

“Maya, I have a glass of water set on the table out here for you, I hope you’re doing okay.” Ben’s voice was on the other side.

Just hearing him gave her a little more stability. The other voice she heard was getting quieter, and her breathing was becoming sturdier. She stood up and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes had become red and puffy, tears had started to blur her makeup, and her mouth was intensely frowning. The night was ruined and it was her fault entirely.

Carefully, she opened the door and met Ben at the kitchen table. She tried to avoid eye contact as she grabbed the glass he got for her and shakily sipped at it.

“Sorry if I moved things too quickly,” Ben started. “I should have–”

“No.” Maya set the glass down. “This is my fault. I wanted to do this and I rushed through to try and avoid any awkward conversations.”

“Well, still,” Ben insisted. “It would have been better if I did things differently too.”

Maya silently nodded. “I don’t think I’m ready for this,” she eventually said.

“What? No, we just need to take it a bit slower.” Ben looked worried.

“Maybe. I think I should go home now.” Maya walked to the door and grabbed her jacket.

“It’s really late, at least let me walk you back.” Ben followed her and reached for his coat, but she stopped his hand.

“No. I’ll be okay, it’s a well-lit college town. And I have pepper spray.”

Ben grumbled but obliged. “Just be careful. Make sure to text when you get home.”

“I will. Thank you for everything today, it was nice.” Maya said.

“Of course, I had a lot of fun. I’ll see you soon.”

Maya gave Ben a faint smile before closing the door behind her.

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