Chapter 33: Chapter 31: Fugue State

The Hero Became a Mousegirl
Chapter 31: Fugue State

 

Knowing that there was so much about myself I didn’t know made me anxious. Relying on the fact that Cesarina couldn’t lie to me I based my impression of myself on the things she’d said. Even with that, there was just so much I didn’t know.  

Checking my status screen, I saw skills I couldn’t remember gaining, and honestly couldn’t remember how to use. Sure it said I was good, really good, at swordsmanship and daggers, but I couldn’t remember using either weapon once. Because of this I feared that if I were forced to use them, I’d fail despite my skill values. 

Furthermore, the only magic I’d been allowed to remember was Holy Magic, the magic Cesarina needed to fulfill her goals. As for my fire, wind, and earth magic? I couldn’t remember how to channel it properly. I probably could force it to work, but the idea of accidentally causing an incident kept me from deciding to do so. If I wanted to survive until we met Kaia, I needed Cesarina to help me regain some control over my abilities, but I didn’t know if she would. 

Since our dinner together, Cesarina had holed herself up in her room, leaving me alone to do as I wished. I tried to amuse myself with books in the library, and trying on the clothes I’d been provided with, but ultimately everything felt hollow. My mind was full of a fog that allowed so little of my true self to shine through. The memories that did come through felt distorted and fake, leaving me more confused and restless. 

Laying in bed I decided to simply waste away the time until Cesarina’s guests would arrive. After I removed their bands, she’d promised we’d leave to meet with Kaia. I just had to be patient, it wouldn’t be long until I was myself again, I just needed to hold on until then. 

“Caelan,” Aivi’s voice called through the door, accompanied by a soft knock. “May I come in?” 

“Sure.” 

“You should change into a nightgown if you’re going to lay in bed. Your dress will get all wrinkly if you lay there like that.” 

“It’s fine, I don’t mind a few wrinkles.” 

“Well then, I won’t mention it further,” Aivi sat on the edge of my bed. “I’m planning to go to the market to pick up some supplies, would you like to go with me?” 

“Supplies for what?” 

“Pretending to be Cesarina. With a bit of hair dye I should be able to play her convincingly enough. After all, none of our guests will believe Cesarina has turned into a little kitten. They weren’t even aware she’d become a vampire.” 

“Is Rina just going to hide in her room while they’re here?” 

“She’ll be hiding in a broom closet nearby. I don’t command nearly the magic she does, so if things get hairy she’ll need to be ready to jump in.” 

“How strong are you Aivi?” 

“Hmm… I’m level three now, so I’m about as strong as a lazy child,” Aivi laughed ruefully. “My appearance is the only thing about me that will be helpful to you.” 

“How? How could you have grown into adulthood without at least being level six or seven. Especially with Rina as your sister.” 

“I’m her clone, and clones don’t obtain the level of their originator, only their memories. I only know this because she was too loose-lipped around me. I guess she assumed the memory alterations she made would make me blank out any information that was counter to what she wanted me to believe, but she was wrong.”

“Doesn’t that aggravate you? To be created and manipulated according to her whims?” 

“I guess,” Aivi smiled and reached out to gently pet my tail, causing a surprised squeak to escape my throat. “At the same time, I wouldn’t exist at all if she hadn’t decided to do those things. In my mind, I can’t help but see Cesarina as if she were my mother. I’m frustrated by her actions, but grateful for the gift of life that she’s given me. And by erasing her own memories from my mind, I have a chance to be my own person.” 

“But do you really think you have free-will?  Are you not acting according to the fake memories that Rina gave you?” 

“She’s not a vampire anymore. Even if I were a puppet being led around by her whims in the past, everything from now onward is for me to decide. The future is full of possibilities for me, and I’m going to seize all of them. Is it not the same for you Caelan? She implanted a fake identity in your mind as well, and yet you’ve broken through. Nothing Cesarina has done has given her the ability to manipulate you.” 

“That has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Eyrina. If not for her, I would’ve become Rina’s perfect little puppet, doing everything she desired.” 

“I doubt that. Over time, the true you would’ve come to the surface. All the spirit did was draw you out faster. Now, ready to come with me to the market?”

“I don’t remember saying I wanted to come with you.” 

“You never said you didn’t want to come with me. Come on, it’ll give us some bonding time before we journey to the empire.”  

Sighing I rolled out of bed and patted my dress, brushing out as many wrinkles as I could. “Okay, let’s go.” 

Aivi warned Cesarina that we were leaving, then the two of us headed into town. As we walked I gazed around at all the buildings, many of them made entirely from wood, and the people who inhabited them. Though there were many humans about, a majority of the residents we saw had animal features like me. 

“Where are we?” 

“Andetor, a town near the kingdom’s eastern border. Cesarina chose this place because it’s home to many who are against the monarchy.”

“If there are so many people here who hate the royal family, why haven’t they dispatched soldiers and burned the place to ash?” 

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“I don’t know. Perhaps this place is so small and worthless in the King’s eyes that he never thought to dispatch spies to keep an eye on the people here. Or maybe he feels that the town could never muster much of a resistance and has decided to just let the people do as they please. Either way, Andetor is a safe haven for those who wish to rebel against the monarchy, which makes it a perfect place for us.”

“Are the guards not loyal to the kingdom?” 

“I’m sure a few are, but they don’t seem to be causing much of a problem for the town.” 

“You’re well informed Aivi.” 

“Cesarina did a ton of research on this place, and even met with a few of it’s leaders to discuss an alliance. All I did was pay attention to their conversations.” 

“That must have been difficult for her to arrange.” 

“Using her mother’s name as leverage Cesarina was able to arrange a meeting in a matter of days. Once she’d secured you, she moved forward at a blinding pace.” 

“As much as I hate what she’s done, I have to admire how quickly she pulled it off. I can only imagine what would’ve happened if I’d remained her tool for years. Perhaps Rina would’ve become Queen.” 

“I doubt she’d have ever wanted the position,” Aivi noted, before pointing to a food stall selling skewers of meat and root vegetables. “Would you like a snack, Caelan?” 

“Sure!” 

Aivi bought each of us a skewer and we found a bench hidden in the shade of a massive tree where we could sit and enjoy them. Biting into my skewer I was surprised at just how excessively flavorful it was. The sauce was sour, and spicy, the meat was tender and fatty, and the vegetables had soaked up all the juices to become perfect little explosions of flavor. 

“This… is my new favorite food!” I beamed, savoring each and every bite. 

“We should buy more before we leave then. It’ll probably be a long time before you can return.” 

“How come?” 

“You were busy with other things, before Cesarina captured you. You’ll need to get back to them once you’ve regained your memories.” 

“Did you know me before my memories were erased Aivi?” 

“Not really, I met you once, but we didn’t talk much. The next time I saw you, you were laying unconscious in bed. Cesarina had already altered your mind then. I only know the real you from what has been said about you.” 

“And what has been said about me?” 

“You’re a hero, blessed with rare magic. You’re also a restless idiot who cannot leave things to others. You promise to help anyone who asks for it, without really thinking about whether your help is needed. Sometimes, you don’t even wait for others to ask, you just force your help upon them. At least, that was the opinion of you I heard, it may not be true.” 

“I’m a restless idiot huh?” I repeated the insult while chewing the last bite of my skewer. “That doesn’t really tell me much does it?” 

“You apparently cannot even dedicate yourself to one lover.” 

“Eh? I thought I was in love with a goblin?” 

“Yeah, but Cesarina said you had another lover too.” 

“Is that bad?” 

“It is not illegal to marry multiple people in the Kingdom, so I don’t think so. As long as you can make all of your future wives happy Caelan, I say you can date as many people as you want.” 

“The more I learn about myself, the more I struggle to believe she and I are the same person. The idea of dating one person makes me anxious, I can’t imagine dating multiple.” 

“Well… Cesarina probably erased all of your romantic experiences, so it probably seems like something unique and terrifying now. But I know your girlfriends truly love you, because they risked invaded our guild to search for you.  If Cesarina hadn’t hidden the entrance to the library with magic, you’d have been back home with them already.” 

“Hearing that kind of makes my heart hurt. I can’t imagine what they’re going through right now, now that I’m gone, and they can’t find me.” 

“It’s probably better this way. It would probably hurt more if they found you and learned you’d forgotten them. This way, the next time you see them, you’ll at least be able to call out to them by name.” 

“I guess so.” 

“It’ll all work out,” Aivi patted my head. “Now let’s go get the dye I need. I have a lot of work to make myself look like Cesarina before our guests arrive.”