Chapter 128: Chapter 127 – Conflict

Yuna didn’t understand. She watched as Boss systematically killed the other two people that were still in their cells. Boss knelt next to their bodies with her hands on their wrists, waiting. What she was waiting for, Yuna didn’t know. She would ask, but she had other thoughts on her mind.

‘What makes murder, murder?’

She had always thought that this question had a simple answer. Murder is when you kill someone. It has to be premeditated in order to be considered murder, otherwise self defense would be classified as such. 

‘So killing criminals is still murder. That’s still a crime.’

The problem that came with this idea is that Boss had pointed out a direct fault in Yuna’s reasoning. She only considered something murder when it wasn’t beneficial to her.

‘But I never thought like that. Right? It was part of the mission and was necessary. And I didn’t know that we had to kill people in this mission.’

Yuna laughed. Even she could see through the paper thin defense her mind was trying to create. She knew that there would be guards stationed in the building. She just didn’t want to consider the idea of killing them. And when the time came to kill them, she accepted it and moved on.

‘Does that make me selfish? And immoral?’

It was selfish, Yuna knew that for certain. It was selfish that she didn’t want to consider something as wrong if she was a part of it. And it was hypocritical of her to try and tell others what is wrong and what is right. 

‘The LIA taught me that I should do what is necessary, though. That if it needs to be done to complete a mission, then it should be done. The entire police can’t be immoral. It might be selfish but it’s for good reasons.’

Like Boss had said, the why is more important than the what. That the ends justify the means. 

‘But that’s never true. Just because the results are helpful and beneficial for everyone doesn’t make the steps to get there any less evil. Then that would make me immoral.’

“Let’s go,” Boss announced. Yuna shook herself out of the swamp of her thoughts as saw that the bodies of the prisoners were gone. “We’ve already been here too long. And Yuna.”

Yuna looked up and her eyes met the piercing grey of Boss.

“I want to talk to you in private for a bit. That is, only if you want to.”

“Yes, Boss,” Yuna replied. She walked over to where Boss was standing and lowered her voice. “What do you want to talk about, Boss?”

“Everyone, follow me,” she said in a loud voice to the others inside of the prison hall as she started walking to the tunnel. Then she also lowered her voice, almost to a whisper. “It’s about what I was telling you just a few minutes ago. I thought about it and I realised that I said too much.”

“What do you mean?” Yuna asked, tilting her head. “I didn’t think you did. Everything you said makes logical sense.”

“The thing is, Yuna, I don’t want to force you into thinking a certain way,” Boss explained. “I hate when others try to do that to me. I want you to create your own opinion and ideas. Not latch onto mine. That fact that you’re saying that it makes logical sense almost proves my point.”

“I don’t think that you tried to impose anything on me. I didn’t feel like that,” Yuna said immediately. Her voice rose a bit. “You haven’t done anything like that. New opinions are always helpful.”

“That’s true,” Boss sighed. “But don’t let my words control you. Don’t let anyone’s words control you. You’re a person, Yuna. My family. You’re not just a member or a tool. That’s the only thing that I want you take from me. That you are your own person.”

‘But what else am I if not myself?’

“We’re getting a little sidetracked,” Boss said, shaking her head a bit. “What I really wanted to say was that I know my ideas and principles are controversial to say the least. I know they aren’t the most kind. I could see that they were troubling you.”

Yuna opened her mouth to protest but she quieted with a finger at her lips. 

“I could see it, Yuna. And I want to tell you that you are not an evil person. You’re not some thug off the street. The fact that this bothered you so much just shows how much you care. I don’t want you to think otherwise. Got it?”

“Got it,” Yuna repeated in a small voice. She didn’t know what else to say.

“Remember, we’re your family,” Boss said. “If you ever have a question or want to know something or even just to talk, you can come to us. I don’t care if it’s something small or even if you think it’s stupid. Do what you want and just be yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all you need to do. I’ll leave you to your thoughts now. I think I’ve bothered you enough.”

Boss walked a bit faster and Yuna dropped back to where the others were. Akira gave her a smile as she sped up to catch up with Boss. Then the two started to talk to each other, Boss pointing at something in the ceiling of the concrete tunnel they walked through.

‘They seem close,’ Yuna thought. ‘I wonder how that happened.’

Family and friends. Both were concepts that Yuna didn’t have much if any experience in. The closest she ever got to a family was the rigid structure of the police and the only friend she ever made was Yuki.

‘I wish he was here. He could help me figure all of this out.’

Boss told her that she could say whatever she wanted and ask whatever she liked. Yuna wanted to believe that. She really did. But she felt a sense of dread at the idea of opening up to someone who wasn’t Yuki. Maybe once she got to understand everyone in the guild better things would change, but for now, she couldn’t do it. 

‘And I have a feeling that I know what she would say. She believes that I’m a good person. Trustworthy and kind. Everything I’m not.’

Yuna knew what she was. A liar and a coward. Just her being with Boss and the rest proves it. They didn’t know who she really was. They didn’t know that she was lying to their faces as she tried to find information that could destroy them.

‘I wonder what would happen if they found out. Is that something I could ask Boss?’

She entertained the idea in her head for fun but shoved it away. Just the idea of it weighed down on her. She could almost feel the weight pressing on to her chest, getting heavier and heavier to more her mind hypothesised. 

‘I can’t worry about this. I have a mission to do. Focus on the mission, Yuna.’

Sucking in a deep breath, she straightened her back and looked forward with a determined gaze. She can’t get distracted from her real objective. 

“Yuna,” Erica’s voice said softly beside her. Yuna flinched instinctively and saw her standing next to her, a concerned look on her face. “Are you alright? You seem bothered. Did Boss tell you something weird?”

“No, no,” Yuna replied, forcing a smile onto her face. “It’s, um, I’m fine. Really.”

Erica stared at her, her violet eyes piercing right through Yuna. She leaned in closer and closer until her face was just an inch away from Yuna’s. Yuna dropped her eyes, her face heating up.

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‘Her lips look so soft.’

“Yuna, do you know what I am?” Erica whispered, her voice tickling Yuna’s ears.

“A demon,” she answered. Her gaze was still averted. “Why do you ask?”

“Do you know what kind of demon I am?” Erica back off and Yuna let out a breath that she didn’t realise she was holding. 

“Kind?”

“Yes. They’re many different types of demon races out there, Yuna. Mat is a devil, my friend is a kitsune, and that lady you were talking to with the horn and wings was a unicorn.”

“A unicorn? Aren’t those mythical beasts that look like horses?” Yuna pictured the middle aged lady in her head. “Tionne looks nothing like that.”

“No, it’s just that everyone has the wrong image of a unicorn in their head,” Erica explained. “Anyway, I’m a succubus. And a demon.”

“Succubus? Spirits of lust?”

“That’s more of a job description than anything,” she shrugged. “I’m just a person. Albeit a person that attracts a lot of attention. The reason why I brought this up, though, is because as a succubus I’m sensitive to the feelings of those around me. Including yours.”

Yuna blinked as she slowly understood the implications of that statement.

“So you know how I’m feeling right now,” Yuna said, her voice flat.

“Yes. I could feel how conflicted you were. How worried you were. So, is everything alright?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

“Boss scared you a bit didn’t she,” Erica pouted. “She seems cold but she has good intentions. Though she is a bit too blunt at times.”

“It’s, it’s not that.”

“If it’s not that then the only thing stopping you is yourself. You shouldn’t bottle these things up. It’ll come out sooner or later and if it’s been shoved away, then it won’t be pretty when it does. Tell me what’s bothering you. I promise that I won’t judge or laugh.”

‘I guess it wouldn’t hurt,’ Yuna conceded.

“I just feel confused right now. That’s all. I don’t know what to think of myself any more.”

“What do you mean?” Erica asked. “Is there something specific you don’t know? Something new that’s making you confused?”

“No. Maybe. I don’t know,” Yuna sighed. “I just feel like I’m a coward. And a hypocrite. I’m even trying to run away from this.”

“That doesn’t make you a coward, Yuna,” Erica shook her head. “It makes you a person. What you’re feeling is normal. Things like this most people don’t like dealing with. The fact that your trying to figure it out makes you braver than them already.”

“No, it’s not just this. It’s everything. When those guards were killed, I didn’t say a thing and I didn’t think about it at all. And then when three prisoners were killed, I tried to protest it. I tried to protect that ones that would appreciate death the most.”

“I’m not going to lie, that does make you hypocritical,” Erica said. “But that’s normal. Yuna, you have to understand that this is normal. You don’t have to follow some strict moral code everyday of your life. You don’t have to be the shining role model in life. Everyone has flaws. The ones that seem to not have one just learned to live with them.”

“But it’s wrong. I have to try to be as good of a person I can, right? I—I want to be moral. To be right. I thought I was. But now I know I’m just a liar and a coward.”

“Yuna. Never call yourself that again,” Erica growled. “Never. You’re not a coward. You’re a person. Even though you may have ran from some battles or have contradicted yourself, whatever, that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. That means that you are a person.”

Yuna said nothing.

“Try to be the best you can, but don’t beat yourself up doing it,” Erica said in a softer voice. “I’ve felt what that’s done to people. I don’t want to see it happen to you.”

“I can’t help it,” Yuna whispered. She stared at the ground, watching her feet move step by step forward. “I was always told to be better. That there is always a better me that could be obtained.”

“Whoever told you that can go and shove a stick up their ass.” Yuna’s head went up at the unexpected words. Erica looked at her, glowering. “Always be better. Yeah right. If it was just as easy as that, this world would be such a nice place. You have to accept who you are first before you can ever try to do anything. That’ll be like trying to buy some research books when you’re still reading picture books.”

‘Captain always told me that to motivate me, though.’

“It’s not wrong though, right?” 

“The first part isn’t wrong, but it’s missing a lot of the steps. The second part is just complete nonsense. There is a limit to everything. The sooner you understand that limit, the easier your life becomes. Trying to become something you’re not just makes for a life of emptiness.”

Yuna said nothing and stared back at the ground.

“Look, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself. Just don’t try to force yourself too much. I’ve seen what happens when people try that.”

No reply.

“Yuna,” Erica said, her voice solid but soft. “Look at me.” She glanced up. “I like who you are now. I like the mature yet still childish nature that you have. I like how polite you are. And I admire how strong you are. That’s how I see you. Not a coward. Not a liar. You’re family, remember.”

“I don’t know what that is,” Yuna said, her voice barely audible. “I don’t know.”

Arms wrapped around her and she was pulled into a hug. Erica put her hand on her head and patted it lightly.

“I know. I know,” Erica whispered into her ear. “But Boss, me, Akira. We’re here to help you find what that is. You’re not alone.”

Yuna said nothing but pushed closer to Erica’s body, her head resting on Erica’s shoulder as the warm embrace tightened around her.