Chapter 153: Chapter 152 – Change Me

“A giant laser beam of death,” Yuki said. “That would be unfortunate if it’s true.”

“Yup, it would,” Uriel agreed cheerfully. “But it’s not confirmed so it’s a possible giant laser beam of death.”

“That’s nice.”

Yuki folded his arms and thought to himself quietly. After a while, Erica cleared her throat behind him.

“Hmm?” he said, turning to look at her.

“So what are you planning to do?” she asked.

“About the possible laser beam of death?” 

“Yeah. That.”

“Don’t know yet,” he shrugged. “I’m not sure what I can do. It’s not confirmed yet so I can’t really do anything about it. And there’s something that’s a bit odd about the entire thing.”

“Odd?”

“Yeah. While it is a giant laser beam of death, it’s still basically concentrated mana,” Yuki explained. “Mana is easy to absorb or defend against if it’s pure.”

“Do you mean that the beam would be dangerous but shouldn’t be a problem to protect against?” Akira said.

“Basically. Unless a spell was put on the focus then we would start to worry about it. But if not, then it wouldn’t be that hard to defend with a good barrier with some mana absorbing properties. Also, if that’s the case, then it wouldn’t make much sense for them to create something like that in the first place.”

“Maybe it’s a weapon commissioned by the government?” Akira suggested.

“Maybe. But why would the government want something that would so hard to reproduce because of the material requirements. Not to mention that weapons aren’t really needed unless they’re preparing for war.”

“So you think they’re making it for themselves?”

“No, they’re making it for someone,” Yuki said. “It’s just that I need to figure out who that someone is before I decide what to do. Uriel, you’re investigating this right?”

“Well, I was really collecting information on something I found interesting, but if you want me to investigate it, I can,” she replied. “Just tell me and I’ll get right to it.”

“Do it. I’ll check back regularly when I can.”

“Yuki,” Akira said. “You need to be careful. Your health.”

“I know, I know. I’m feeling fine as of right now,” he said. “And Uriel shouldn’t be able to find anything for a while. Provided everything is hidden well.”

“Is that a challenge I hear?” Uriel giggled.

“If you want it to be,” Yuki replied.

“Hmm. But you’re right. It at least take me a week before I find something that you’ll need to look into,” she said. “So your mind should be alright before then.”

“Wait. How do you know about that?” Erica asked. Uriel laughed.

“I can hear everything, Erica~,” she said. “Zoe said to just let Boss rest for a bit and he’ll be right back into tip top shape. Or so I hear.”

“She did say that,” Erica sighed. “But still, Yuki. You need to be careful that something doesn’t happen again, you know?”

“Erica. I know that. It’s a balancing act,” he said. “On one side, I have to take care of myself. On the other, I have my responsibilities. As of right now, I feel fine. If that changes, I’ll let you know.”

“The point is to prevent anything from happening,” Akira said to him. “If it happens again, it’s already too late.”

Yuki walked up to them and placed his hands on their shoulders as he looked at each of them in the eye.

“Look. I know you two are worried for me. But I have things that I must do. I need to know whether or not it’s necessary for me to get involved in this whole laser beam of death problem. You understand, right?”

Akira sighed.

“I do. That doesn’t change what I believe,” she said.

“I know it won’t. But as long as you understand why I have to do this then it’s fine. I’ll try not to let anything happen to me.”

“By the way,” Erica said suddenly. Yuki glanced at her. “Do you know why that happened in the first place?”

“My sudden anxiety?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“I don’t know,” he said. Then he cringed and sighed. “I mean, I’m not sure. I might know why.”

“So what is it?” Erica asked, staring at him with big eyes.

“Your eyes are really violet,” Yuki commented, staring right back at her. “Anyway, off topic. I think it has to do with what happened during the fight with Firestorm.”

“Firestorm?”

“The person I was fighting at the LIA base,” he clarified. “In the fight, my emotions seemed to break loose. So I think that immediately after, I was extremely sensitive to any feelings. When I went out into the city, the main emotion I felt was anxiety. Because of my sudden sensitivity, that anxiety grew exponentially and then you have what happened to me.”

“That’s almost exactly what Zoe said,” Akira frowned.

“Then that’s probably what happened,” Yuki shrugged. “I feel like I’m back to normal so that’s why I’m not that worried.”

“Normal. Zoe also said something else,” Akira said softly. “Something that I’ve always suspected. You know what that is?”

“No. What did she say?”

“Your emotions. You’re bottling them up,” she said, staring down at the ground. “Do you not feel...anything?”

Yuki blinked and frowned. That question wasn’t an innocent one. 

‘Why does she...maybe? But she’s never worried about that before.’

“Why? Why are you asking?” Yuki replied. 

“I just wanted to know,” she mumbled. “Those times together, I wanted to know if you. If you.”

“Felt anything?” he finished. Akira didn’t respond. “I see.”

He sighed.

“Akira, you know what I’ve been through. And…” His sentence trailed off.

‘What do I say? I shouldn’t lie. Do I just say that I feel nothing at all? But I don’t want to hurt her. But I can’t lie, I promised her.’

His stomach tightened as something rose. His fingers clenched and his breathing quickened as his mind began to run its course.

“Yuki,” Erica said sharply, her eyes flashing. “What’s wrong?”

“I know, I know,” he muttered.

‘Keep it together. Just say it. Say whatever and deal with the consequences later.’

“Akira.”

She looked up slowly, her lip trembling.

“I promised to trust you. To be honest, right?” 

“Yes,” she said, her voice cracking slightly.

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“Come here,” he beckoned.

She shuffled toward him and when she was within arm’s reach, he pulled her toward him. Then he grabbed her face and stared directly at her.

“Then I will be honest. You understand me the best so please. Don’t hate me,” he whispered. “My feelings are there. But they’re boxed away in a place I don’t know.”

“So those times, you didn’t feel a thing?” she asked. Her eyes broke. “Nothing?”

“Akira, most of the time, I’m incapable of feeling anything,” he replied. “Anger, sadness, joy, anything.”

“I, I thought you did,” she whispered, pressing her forehead into his chest. “I thought those times together, you felt the same as I did.”

“We’ve been together for so long, I thought you knew.”

“I should have.” She sighed. “Maybe I was deluding myself. Thinking that you did.”

“But those times together, did you enjoy them?” Yuki asked, placing his hand on her head. “Were you happy?”

“Yes,” she answered quietly. “I was.”

“Then remember them like that, Akira. Even if you misunderstood me, your feelings are just as important.”

“I know. But I thought that I was sharing those moments with you.”

Yuki placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head up. 

“Right now, I can’t feel. I don’t usually have emotions,” he said quietly. He stared at her, his fingers wiping away the tears that leaked from her eyes. “But that can change.”

Akira’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

He pushed her head to his chest and held her there.

“Listen,” he whispered. “What do you hear?”

“Your heart. It’s beating,” she said. Then her eyes flickered up. “It’s beating hard.”

“That’s because of you. Your tears and your worries are creating anxiety in me,” Yuki said softly. Akira’s face fell. “No, don’t feel bad. Think about what that means. Anxiety is an emotion, Akira. You and also Erica have been able to make me feel that.” He glanced up and gave Erica a small nod. “And that’s more than anyone has ever been able to do in a while.”

‘Not since Sam,’ he thought, his gaze drifting.

“You understand what I’m trying to say?” he said, looking down at his chest and into Akira’s eyes. “I can change. You can and have been the reason for that change.”

“You mean…” A flame lit in her eyes.

“Don’t give up. I wasn’t always like this, remember? I used to laugh and cry as much as anyone else. Probably more. One day, though I don’t know when, that me will return. I don’t know how that day will come but it will. And I want you to be the one there when it does.”

Akira lifted her head and pushed Yuki back, her arms on his shoulders.

“Does that mean that you want to return what I feel for you?” she asked, her voice quiet but her eyes set. 

“What I want is to be able to give you an answer,” Yuki said. “A reply to that question. When that day arrives, I will know my answer.”

“So I have a chance,” Akira said. 

“The box that imprisons my emotions is already cracking. Maybe you’ll be the one that can shatter it completely.”

“I will be,” she declared. Her cheeks reddened but her voice was firm. “I’ll show you just how deep my feelings run. I swear I will.”

“I look forward to it,” Yuki replied, not taking his eyes off of hers.

---

 

“Oh my gods, that was so beautiful,” Erica squealed. 

It was nighttime, and Akira and Erica had retreated into Erica’s room while Yuki was inside the bathroom. They were sitting on top of Erica’s bed, huddled underneath a blanket. Or really, Akira was, the entire blanket pulled over her head.

“Stop it,” she muttered, the pout in her voice so evident to Erica’s ears.

“You basically confessed your love for her!” Erica continued, a wide grin on her face. “My chest felt like exploding.”

“I knoooow. Please stop saying it like that though.” Akira hid deeper inside the blanket. 

Erica lifted the blanket and squirmed underneath it, placing her head on Akira’s lap. Their faces were only inches apart.

“You really love her, don’t you,” Erica said with a soft smile. “I can tell.”

“I do,” Akira said, sighing. “I really do. But how am I supposed to get Yuki to feel the same?”

She flipped herself and laid on top of the bed, the blanket still covering her. Erica shifted a little until they laid face to face.

“Just do what you’ve been doing,” Erica said. “Be yourself. That’s what began to change her in the first place.”

“Is being myself enough though?” 

“Of course it is,” Erica laughed. She stroked Akira’s cheek softly. “You’re beautiful and kind. You’ve been with Yuki ever since you could remember. If anyone is going to change her, it’s you.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed.

“Want my help?”

“Do you like Yuki too?” Akira asked sharply.

Erica flashed back to those times where Yuki saved her. Those times where someone had helped her for the first time in years not because of how she looked, but because they wanted to.

“Yeah, but as a friend,” she smiled. “For now, at least. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not interested. But let me help you. Together, we can get that box of her to break.”

“Maybe,” Akira said.

Erica took her hand and Akira gripped it tightly.

“We can do it, Akira,” Erica said. “Then when Yuki opens up, you’ll be right there.”

“But what about you?” Akira whispered. “What if I take Yuki away forever?”

“Whatever happens, happens. If I fall for her, and she doesn’t accept me, then that’s what happens. I’ll be happy with knowing that you succeeded and that Yuki is happy.”

“Are you sure? I want you to be happy as well. You deserve to be after what you’ve been through.”

Erica only smiled but didn’t reply.

‘Deserve? I don’t deserve happiness. Not after what I did.’

“I’ll be fine,” she said. “You’re more important to me right now.”

“How can you say that with such a straight face,” Akira mumbled, blushing as she turned her head away. Then she peeked back at Erica. “If you’re not careful, I might fall for you too.”

“I thought you already did,” Erica laughed. 

She tapped her nose, and Akira swatted her hand away, giggling. Then Erica proceeded to start poking her stomach and they wrestled with each other until they laid there on the bed gasping. 

‘I hope Yuki comes around. For her sake. And mine.’ Erica’s hand reached out, almost touching Akira’s smooth cheeks before she controlled it. She let out a sigh. ‘Once Yuki opens up, then maybe I can know what my feelings for her actually are.’