Chapter 18: 4.3

John didn’t know where to even start, so he barely said anything. Which led Valentine to say, “Uhm…” but soon he returned as usual and responded in a playful tone.

 

“Was that your dream? You turned out to be Saint John.”

 

“No, I mean it.”

 

Only then did Valentine, who became a little more serious, slightly moved his hand up and down John’s back.

 

“Alright, I’m sorry. How can you help specifically?”

 

“Well… there are volunteer, international and non organizations… there are many ways to help a country in need.”

 

Valentine’s blue eyes sparkled. He had become expressionless for a moment, putting on an indifferent face while pulling John’s waist closer to him. A calm voice flowed through the well-shaped lips.

 

“That was your dream. Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?”

 

“Because…”

 

“You will be in London anyway.”

 

John unknowingly paused. This was due to something he couldn’t name. Valentine’s smiling face was impeccably perfect, but there was a sudden coldness that suddenly surrounded him. When John, who was speechless for a moment, couldn’t respond, Valentine asked again in a soft voice.

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“…It’s nothing.”

 

Shaking his head to forget those thoughts, John curved his lips and asked. It wasn’t that he had not imagined how Valentine would react, but conclusively, all possibilities led to an inevitable answer. It was because John was bewildered, the words he had prepared beforehand were completely erased from his head. Belatedly, it occurred to him that he might have been too optimistic.

 

“John, you don’t have a specific place in mind, do you?”

 

John’s head was forcibly lifted by Valentine holding his chin. Valentine stared at John directly. He wasn’t laughing anymore. Valentine’s strange expression and the unexpected flow of conversation filled his head. John tried to shake off the ominous feeling, making him say nonsense.

 

“You also had a rough idea that I wasn’t going to go to college. I’m going to get a job right away. I can’t just play around, so once you get into college, we will be going to go our own way anyway, so then…”

 

“Why do you think so?”

 

His gibberish was cut off. John pressed his lips in a line, and turned his head as he was out of breath.

 

“I’m graduating soon, and I can’t stay like this after that. We both know that.”

 

“I’ll make it work out.”

 

“What…?”

 

“Tell me if something’s decided. I haven’t taken the exams yet.”

 

“What does that mean…”

 

“I’ll go wherever you are.”

 

This time, John really was lost and stared blankly at Valentine. Valentine was talking about their future with a certain lightness, like he was choosing from a dinner menu.

 

…Weird.

 

“You can’t do that, Valentine.”

 

John was unconscious of the cold voice flowing through his lips. With his stern words of denial, Valentine looked at him with a clear look. John continued.

 

“It’s not a simple matter where you make a decision that simply…”

 

“It’s not?”

 

Valentine laughed back at John’s words. John’s expression hardened because Valentine’s indescribable laugh somehow felt creepy. Valentine pulled John’s arm. The tips of their noses touched, and ther cold breaths mingled. As Valentine whispered in a friendly voice, their lips touched.

 

“Tell me, John. Is there anything more important than each other?”

 

“…Valentine. “

 

“If you were to leave for anywhere, I wouldn’t let you go.”

 

The high tip of his nose rubbed against John’s cheek, as if Valentine were joking. Since Valentine’s tone, behavior, mood, and everything else were unfamiliar, John felt shivers run down his back. It was when the speechless John zoned out, not paying attention to his surroundings, that Valentine suddenly bit John’s earlobe as he came close to John’s lower body.

 

“…Uck…!”

 

While John was distracted by the pain, Valentine forcefully maneuvered John’s body, turning it around. When John came to his senses, he was facing a tree, with his hands pulled over his head. Badump, badump, badump. His heart began to beat abnormally. John somehow managed to speak. As he trembled uncontrollably, he turned his head to look at Valentine.

 

“What are you-“

 

“John, do you want to have sex?”

 

“…What?”

 

It felt as if John’s head was hit with a hammer. John’s lips trembled, unable to answer. Valentine innocently smiled, even though he must have noticed the shocked look on John’s face. Valentine lightly touched John’s cheek, and then he laughed.

 

“I’m kidding. Brighten your face.”

 

“Va-Valentine…”

 

In an instant, the buckle of his pants was undone and a cold wet hand dug into his underwear. John belatedly came to his senses and twisted his body, but he couldn’t beat Valentine.

 

“Uh…!”

 

A large hand grabbed his not erect penis. The ruthless shake only caused pain, but as time went by, powered by the physical stimuli, it began to stand up. John breathed out and struggled to get out of Valentine’s grasps somehow.

 

“Don’t, Valentine. If anyone sees…!”

 

“Nobody’s coming this far.”

 

“Really… Before I get angr- Let go!”

 

“John, say it. Where were you going without telling me?”

 

John didn’t seem to have heard it properly, since those words didn’t seem to belong to Valentine. When John bowed his head, in a mixed sense of pain and pleasure, Valentine licked his ears. John let out a hot gasp at the violent pleasure. His stiff waist trembling with tension, and his head was dizzy, as if all of the blood in his whole body had gone to the lower abdomen. John’s pants fell down to his thigh without even having to take a proper breath.

 

“Look, you have an erection.”

 

“…Haa, uck…”

 

A heap of fluid leaked from the tip of his dick. Valentine buried his nose into John’s neck, when John’s head drooped down, from the unbearable stimulus. The hot breath tickled the delicate flesh on the back of his neck.

 

“Uhm …”

 

Every time they moved, John’s wrist scraped against the rough tree bark. When John groaned in pain, Valentine, who noticed, wrapped John’s wrist with the back of his hand.

 

“Va-Valen…”

 

They were in an exposed outdoor area. John was filled with the fear that someone might be watching them. However, the feeling of danger was quickly replaced by a sense of arousal, making John more sensitive than usual. The sound of rain pouring was vaguely heard.

 

Why all of a sudden… Did it turn out this way?

 

John tried to pull himself together somehow, but his feeble attempt ended in failure. Shame and pleasure were the only things that filled his messy head. His chest was feeling colder while his lower abdomen burned. This gap paralyzed his brain, thought and reason.

 

“Haa… haa…”

 

The orgasm was just around the corner. John helplessly collapsed and shook as Valentine continued to masturbate him. John’s hands, who had lost their will to resist, were tightly held. The sensation he felt all over his body gathered at the tip of his protruding penis.

 

“…Uhh…”

 

Without notice, a thick cock entered the gap between John’s thighs. The tip of the penis slowly stroked the sensitive skin. John threw his head back and held back his moans. Valentine moved his waist while holding John’s back, and the firm glan repeatedly poked John’s testicles. All of this happened while he continued to give John a handjob.

 

“Do you know?”

 

“…Mmh, uh…”

 

“Now the only thing I don’t know about your body is the inside.”

 

“…!”

 

John was frightened, making him tremble and he tried to pull his back forward. Valentine bit John’s cheek lightly, as if to appease him.

 

“Don’t be scared. I won’t do anything that will make you angry.”

 

“…uck.”

 

“At least, not yet.”

 

“Ah…!”

 

John’s whole body spasmed, as if he was struck by lightning. John tilted his head back. His red mouth was opened wide and gave out silent gasps. In an instant, the sight in front of his eyes faded, and all of his muscles contracted. An aggressive spike of pleasure eventually exploded from the tip of his dick, letting out the semen.

 

“…Uhh.”

 

When John ejaculated, Valentine also didn’t last long and ejaculated through the gap of John’s thighs. The fluid soaked John’s groin, which soon mixed with the rain and seeped into the pants. After all of the pleasure, John cradled his head, trying to catch his breath. His whole body cooled down because of the rain, but his eyes still felt hot, so John closed them and bit his lips tightly.

 

This, what the hell was this feeling…

 

For John, Valentine was his best friend before he was his brother. Valentine was the only one he could rely on in the world. John shared all of his feelings and secrets with him. He thought that Valentine would seriously support his choice, but it was only John’s foolish thinking. The reality was the opposite of what John had imagined.

 

‘Until now, Valentine has always respected my choices…’

 

Maybe it was because John has never opposed him.

 

As John had never done it before, these heavy contradictory feelings which had appeared confused John. The feeling of pleasure, which had made the whole body boil, disappeared, and John’s expression became cold. Whether John had noticed it or not, Valentine tightly hugged him from behind. The arms that had always given him warmth, now felt so strange. John’s jaw started to tremble.

 

* * *

John fell ill again. Although he seemed to not have serious health problems, John easily got fatigued by small, external stimuli. Suffering from a fever that caused his entire body to burn up, John rolled up his body around the bed. His hair stuck to his forehead, soaked in cold sweat. For some time, he was groaning until the dormitory door opened.

 

“John, can you stand up for a second?”

 

A cool hand wrapped around his hot forehead. Since it felt pleasant, John moved his head. Soon, from behind, there was a strong force supporting him as John was forced to lift his upper body. John opened his heavy, stiff eyes. It was Valentine holding John in his arms.

 

“Take your medicine and go back to sleep.”

 

Valentine, who supported John’s upper body with his leg, brought a cup to his lips. Lukewarm water flowed through the gap of John’s lips. Then, Valentine pushed a capsule pill into John’s mouth. It was a sleeping pill and a fever reducer that John occasionally takes. After confirming that he swallowed the medicine, Valentine wiped John’s sweaty face with a wet towel.

 

“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep, so don’t worry and sleep.”

 

“…”

 

“I’ll be right back after class.”

 

Instead of responding, John helplessly pushed away Valentine’s chest with his hand. He turned his back, facing away from Valentine, as John hid under the covers. Valentine patted him on the back. John’s whole body became dizzy at once, as if he were falling into the abyss.

 

In the forest they had gone to, John collapsed as soon as he cumed. Although the pouring rain somehow cleaned it, the sticky texture remained still.

 

‘…You, are you aware of what you did?’

 

John stared at Valentine. There was a solemn anger in the green eyes, and the swollen lips were bright red. Valentine just stared at John, without giving any excuses.

 

The heavy silence soaked them like the rain did. Valentine, who had been looking at John for a while, looked down and looked closely at his hand. John’s palm was covered with fluid, and the back of his hand was covered with scratches because it was rubbed against the tree bark. Blood flowed from the back of the hand, painting the sleeves in a pale pink.

 

Unbelievably, Valentine lowered his head slightly and licked John’s palm. The watery semen was disappeared because of his tongue. When Valentine’s gaze met the frozen John, Valentine squinted his eyes. An eerie feeling penetrated John’s heart.

 

After that, John had been avoiding Valentine. It wasn’t just because he was angry. From that day on, John realized that this relationship wasn’t good for each other. However, John couldn’t figure out exactly what the problem was, so he didn’t know what to tell Valentine. Under such circumstances, avoidance was the easiest option for John to choose from.

 

Valentine took care of John, regardless of being ignored. As long as he was with John, Valentine didn’t care about his attitude. It had been an ambiguous few days, and John had finally recovered enough to get up.

 

“I haven’t seen you for days… Did you feel an intense amount of pain?”

 

“Huh? No…”

 

“Don’t deny it when your face is so pale.”

 

When Gregory clicked his tongue, John awkwardly laughed. He also suffered from body aches and considerable stress, so he seemed to be in poor health. John had never been sick before in his life, but John wondered why his health had become a mess recently. However, John didn’t take it seriously because of his easy going personality.

 

“How’s the A-level preparation going?”

 

Instead of continuing the uncomfortable topic, John asked Gregory, who shook his head with a frown.

 

“I’m just doing it. I have been so troubled these days that I’m envious of you, who has no idea. I’m never going to be as brave as you.”

 

“Haha… bullshit.”

 

“Shall we go on a trip with the others after this damn exam? We’ll all be going our own ways… Oh, that’s your brother.”

 

John reflexively turned his head at Gregory’s words. Valentine was walking across the hall. The morning sun shining from the window made his blonde hair shine, leaving a dazzling afterimage. Valentine was as neat as ever, and he was cool, even though he had a poker face.

 

‘…I don’t want to see your face yet.’

 

Valentine’s appearance, which would have pleased John before, was now only awkward. Unlike John, however, Valentine’s face became noticeably brighter when he saw John. The coolness disappeared in an instant, and the blue eyes squinted affectionately. The moment his lips opened, as if he was going to call his name, John unconsciously avoided Valentine’s gaze.

 

“…Let’s go.”

 

“Oh, you won’t greet him?”

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John shook his head as he turned back to the hallway, holding onto the puzzled Gregory.

 

“It’s time for class to start.”

 

“Don’t tell me…”

 

“…”

 

“Did you fight with Valentine? You’re this old already, yet you are being so childish…”

 

“Shut up. “

 

When John responded with red ears, Gregory shook his head, as if he couldn’t stop John from leaving.

 

“What’s wrong with these brothers, who can’t live with each other?”

 

“I said shut…”

 

What John said didn’t lead to a complete sentence. It was because something suddenly pulled him from behind. Gregory, who was joking, also turned his head with a surprised expression on his face. Valentine was looking down at John, his face was stiff.

 

“…”

 

John remained stubborn and Valentine didn’t say anything. The hand holding his wrist increased its force. Gregory was making an awkward face as the atmosphere became weird, and he shook John’s shoulder awkwardly.

 

“…Uh, have a nice talk. Uhm, I’m going to go ahead.”

 

As Gregory disappeared, there was only now a heavy silence. While Valentine waved his hand, John still didn’t look at Valentine.

 

“John, what’s wrong?”

 

First it was Valentine who broke the silence. The voice, lower than usual, showed an impatience that couldn’t be hidden.

 

“Now that you’re better… You turned a blind eye to me?”

 

John’s expression was instantly distorted by the question tone. As John raised his head, he met Valentine’s eyes looking down at him with a firm face. As if time had stopped, the only thing that moved in the emotionless face was the two slightly shaking eyes. John opened his lips, asking back.

 

“You really don’t know?”

 

Despite asking him, Valentine just blinked as if he didn’t know why. In the end, John ended up with a dejected smile. He felt like his head was going to explode these days and Valentine wasn’t serious at all. John felt a bit of injustice about the fact that he was the only one worried about it.

 

John held his lips tight and tried to remove his hand from Valentines’ grip. However, Valentine was adamant, and John couldn’t beat him with his strength. The sharp gazes collided.

 

“Let go, Valentine.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“I told you to let go.”

 

“John.”

 

“If you don’t really know why, it’s even worse.”

 

John twisted his wrist to pull out Valentine’s grip, but Valentine only stubbornly held on. Eventually, the impatient John cynically sneered. What he tried so hard to bear, jumped off the tip of his tongue.

 

“As I expected, I can’t get you out of my mind.”

 

Unable to read his feelings, the glassy eyes turned to John. John smiled furiously, without looking away.

 

“Right, do whatever you want. How could I win against you?”

 

“…”

 

“What, do you want to do it here? Whatever you tell me, I’ll give it to you, but Valentine, please, let’s go to a better place.”

 

Valentine’s face froze after hearing the sarcasm. The strength around the wrist weakened and it loosened. John took a step back, shaking off his hand. Due to John’s solemn refusal, there was a real crack on Valentine’s face.

 

It was the first time John, who had always consented Valentine, was angry. As if the fact was quite shocking, Valentine’s face slowly turned pale. John, who lost his temper and unknowingly sarcastically laughed, was rattled by his first agitation.

 

…Did I go too far?

 

John knew he wasn’t thinking rationally, but he couldn’t show that he had second thoughts after venting all of his anger. While John paused, Valentine slowly lowered his arm. Taking a long breath, Valentine smiled faintly, but soon the smile disappeared like smoke. His eyes, which were darker than usual, moved slower.

 

“Give it to me?”

 

“…”

 

“I didn’t know you thought like that.”

 

“…Valentine.”

 

“I’ll be going, John.”

 

Valentine turned his back on John, without giving him a proper response. Looking at his distant back as if drawing a line, John bit his lips. He felt gloomy, as if there was a hole in his stomach. His heart had started beating in an unstable manner.

 

* * *

 

The clock pointed to one in the morning and Valentine was still not home. John was waiting for Valentine, but he couldn’t stand it anymore. He laid in bed around midnight, but his mind was still active. He blankly stared at the ceiling, with a sense of depression that couldn’t be helped.

 

Valentine hadn’t even contacted John once, since they fell out like that on that day. That fact had bothered John so much that he couldn’t focus on studying, but John couldn’t contact Valentine first. It was because it was the first time they fought like that.

 

The longer they waited, the more worried he became, which turned into anger. 

 

Do whatever you want, you bastard. 

 

John, who was grinding his teeth, turned off the light and laid down. Immediately, John had a sense of fear and he had to get up again. In the end, John helplessly laid on the brightly lit dormitory bed and only let out a long sigh.

 

“…Shit.”

 

John felt pathetic that he couldn’t even fall asleep without Valentine, but it wasn’t just for that reason that he couldn’t sleep now. John was worried sick about where and what Valentine was doing.

 

“But still… I don’t want to call first.”

 

John, who was fiddling with his cell phone, closed his eyes. Anyway, if anything happened to Valentine, John would be the first person he would contact. Valentine must be studying now. Even if he wasn’t, Valentine couldn’t leave the dormitory, so he must return. Trying to reassure himself like that, John laid back down.

 

Contrary to John’s expectation that he would come in soon, Valentine appeared after 3 a.m. John was half-asleep and tired because of the anxiety that took over his mind like a dark cloud. He raised his head at the sound of the door opening.

 

“…You came?”

 

Valentine stood on the door without answering and stared at John. The rare expressionless face did not give John any clues as to what Valentine was thinking now. However, when their eyes met, a faint smile spread over the tired-looking face.

 

Walking slowly to the bed, Valentine put down his bag by his foot. The whole process of taking off the jacket and placing the watch on the desk was done in slow motion. John watched what Valentine was doing without saying a word. It was only afterwards, did Valentine turn to John. It was a rare look of indifference. As their eyes met, the curved lips rolled upwards.

 

“You’re still up?”

 

“…”

 

“Ah, right. You can’t sleep without me.”

 

John’s expression hardened with Valentine’s outspoken sarcastic remarks. Valentine leaned against his desk and folded his arms in front of his chest. At the searching gaze, John laughed cynically.

 

“I was worried for nothing.”

 

It was then John turned his back on Valentine. Valentine forcefully grabbed John’s shoulder, turning him around. John frowned at the grip. Holding onto John’s shoulder, Valentine looked down at him from above. Valentine slowly cradled John’s with one hand.

 

“John, don’t turn your back on me.”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Their eyes locked onto each other from a close distance. A strong sense of rejection rose on John’s face. His blue eyes became dark after noticing it. The silence was unnaturally prolonged, and the tension was unbearable. It was when John, who couldn’t stand the pressure anymore, turned his head.

 

“What I’m doing is…”

 

Pff. After a laugh, Valentine lowered his upper body. At the same time, the tension that weighed heavily on them disappeared at once. The large upper body tilted, and Valentines’ forehead touched John’s chest. With a heavy weight on his chest, John groaned, but Valentine didn’t get up.

 

“You’re acting surly.”

 

“…”

 

“And you still need me.”

 

John’s expression was dampened by the unexpected answer.

 

“Is that why you came back at this time?”

 

“John, why are you so cold?”

 

“…”

 

“You don’t want to see me anymore?”

 

John, seeing Valentine’s face, unconsciously shut his mouth. It was because of Valentine’s eyes, staring at him like an abandoned dog. A neat, elongated hand touched John’s cheek. The hands wandered around the eyes, cheeks, chin. Eventually going past his ears, to the neck, shoulders, and down his arm before finally reaching John’s hand. Their fingers were linked together and their body heat was shared. Valentine pulled the interlocked hand. Then, he rubbed his cheek on the back of John’s hand, as if asking for a pat.

 

“You must be alright without me, but I can’t do that.”

 

Every time the soft lips moved, a soft puff of air was felt all over the back of the hand. John hardened his expression without responding.

 

“Is it wrong to be so angry about you leaving me?”

 

The straightforward question prevented John from speaking. When Valentine pressed the back of John’s hand to his lips, John unwittingly put back his hand. Sitting up, Valentine held John in his arms. The tip of his nose was buried in John’s neck. Being in that state, breathing in John’s scent over and over again, Valentine whispered in a low voice.

 

“But… I’m sorry, so don’t be angry. Smile at me again, John.”

 

“…”

 

“I can’t do anything because of you.”

 

That said, it finally destroyed John’s sense of rejection. John knew Valentine wasn’t really like this, but for John, the Valentine today felt like a fragile being. John’s angry and disappointed heart easily softened. Trapped in Valentine’s arms, John blinked slowly.

 

Come to think of it… I too would have been angry and disconcerted if Valentine had announced a sudden departure.

 

It occurred to John that it might have been an inconsiderate act from Valentine’s point of view. Although there were some doubts to simply regard it like that, John didn’t want to blame Valentine for revealing his true thoughts. Hesitating, John finally carefully wrapped his arm around Valentine’s back. He felt the muscles go stiff under the palm of his hand.

 

“Valentine, raise your head. I’m not going to get angry…!”

 

John’s upper body fell backwards before he finished speaking, as Valentine held him in his arms. With a strong grip on his back, John groaned briefly, making Valentine relax his grasp and asked.

 

“Are you really going to calm down now?”

 

“Mn … I will.”

 

“You’ll talk to me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“From now on… You’re going to stay with me, right?”

 

John couldn’t answer the last question easily. Then, Valentine tightened his hold on John. John could not help, but sigh, wondering if he was relieved. He was with Valentine now, so he was postponing their falling out. However, John didn’t think that he could live like that for a very long time.

 

…But does it have to be right now?

 

“Alright… Let’s do that.”

 

John, who remained silent for a while, ended up nodding. Then, Valentine kissed John on the cheek, as if he had been waiting. The face that clearly stared at John reminded him of the past. The day they first met, the night they walked with their fingers linked together.

 

“It’s a promise.”

 

“…Mn, I promise you. So don’t think of anything stupid anymore and just focus on the exam, okay?”

 

John lightly brushed his hand against Valentine’s forehead and had a light smile. It was only then did a bright smile slowly emerge on Valentine’s face. The dried red lips reminded him of flower buds.

 

“I can do anything.”

 

“…”

 

“With you by my side… I’m confident that I won’t have bad thoughts.”

 

John quietly stroked the back of Valentine’s head, trying to hide his inner conflict.

 

“What do you mean by bad thoughts, you’re not a child.”

 

“I’m serious. I need you.”

 

“…”

 

“Don’t ever forget that, John.”

 

A weaker than usual voice pierced through John’s weakness. He was well aware that Valentine didn’t have more flaws than him, but it was inevitable to feel pathetic.

 

“…Mn, me too.”

 

So John hugged Valentine’s waist, rubbed his cheek against Valentine’s neck as if John were comforting him. Feeling Valentine’s heavily leaning body, John closed his eyes. Valentine had grown up in a way that was too much for John to handle, but now Valentine reminded him of the small and pretty boy in his childhood.

 

However, Valentine had a completely different look than John’s imagination. Valentine had his lips on John’s cheek, but he was staring at the empty wall with his deeply submerged eyes.

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