Chapter 22: 6.2

From the moment John Lindbergh legally died, John began his life as Ethan Taylor.

 

I owe Carter too much.

 

Carter betrayed Ryan, who he had been loyal to all his life, because of John. Knowing that, John remembered how grateful he was at every moment.

 

Carter had established a fake identity for John through a skillful broker who couldn’t be traced, and then hid John, who moved to Ciudad de México, in Monterrey, where security was relatively good. Monterrey, one of Mexico’s major densely populated areas, was in the Northeast and was the perfect place to beat Ryan’s pursuit.

John hid in Monterrey for about a year. As it was the center of industry, the city was full of vitality, both day and night. It was a completely new world for John, who had lived a refined life within the Lindbergh family’s fence. After living in isolation for a long time, he was soon completely fascinated by the vibrant city.

As the relaxing noon sun was up, John would walk out to see the sun with a bottle of beer in his hand. Then, as soon as it was dusk, he wandered around and went to Centrona or San Pedro.

Among the excited people, John sat still for hours to reflect on his life. There, John was able to exist not as Omega nor the Lindbergh family’s illegitimate child, but as himself.

At first, several young people in the neighborhood, who were suspicious of John, soon began to pull him into their gang. John hung around with them. He smoked marijuana and cheap heroin, sometimes drank some unidentified liquor then vomited it out.

“Hey, Ethan, why are you here alone? All you do is wander around the streets like a wild dog.”

“Right. How did you get here? Where did that money come from?”

To answer the curious questions of the young Mexicans his age, John frowned and replied in clumsy Spanish.

“It’s a secret, but I’m actually the son of the king.”

“What?”

“My father was the king of a country, and I was a hidden prince. One day, a rebellion broke out, and my father was executed. I was in danger of being raped by a rhino, so right before that, I flew here.”

“This bitch, he must be completely out of his mind. That’s why he was abandoned.”

“Please, stop saying that shit, it’s so annoying.”

It was a messy, but an enjoyable life at the same time. Life without being monitored or bound by any being. In order to live a life that anyone else would find normal, John had to give up his identity, but he never regretted it.

He once thought that he wanted to live by helping the less fortunate, but John no longer had such a dream now. His life was far from such an idea, and survival was his top priority.

John was satisfied with the fact that he was free, and never wanted more.

But life in Monterrey was also only temporary.

‘John, Ryan gave up on you.’

John was hungover, as usual. One phone call from Carter was enough to completely sober him up from his alcohol induced fuzzy brain. John, who remained silent for a while, licked his dried lips and slowly responded.

‘If he wants to give up…’

‘That means that you are officially dead.’

‘…’

“There is still an internal problem, so the funeral process cannot be carried out, but it will be done as soon as possible.”

John intuitively realized that what Carter said was an internal problem was related to Valentine, but John didn’t ask further. To John, Valentine was just a piece of the past that had faded like dust, so Carter continued speaking when John remained silent.

‘It’s dangerous for you to stay there. So John, come back to the United States. I have already made all the arrangements for you. I have a house in Chicago, so even if it’s unfamiliar, you can start a new life there.’

‘…’

‘I won’t be able to keep in touch with you like this from now on, but good luck, John. I’m on your side, and I’ll always root for you.’

‘…Thank you, Carter, for all the good you have done for me.’

John quietly returned to the United States a few months later. After staying at Carter’s house for about half a year, he secretly moved to New York City. The reason why John chose New York City was simple: there were more people coming from outside than any other city, and everything changed faster. He also liked the fact that it was geographically far from the West.

“It’s quite a suburb, but it isn’t going to be easy to get an apartment at these prices.”

“…There’s a bathtub in the room. Is that mark on the wall from a murder case?”

“Well, that’s pretty common here.”

The Real Estate agent said something that John didn’t understand if it was a joke or not, but that old apartment was the best room John could get. It was because rats and cockroaches were crawling everywhere. The stairs were also very noisy, but it meant a much cheaper monthly rent than the market price. John signed the contract without looking around, and he fixed the interior of the old apartment. He stared at the apartment, feeling calm.

…So what should I do now?

John, who was blankly thinking about it, suddenly recalled the time from a few years ago, when he had hurriedly fled from England to the United States. Back then and now, he was at a loss in how to deal with the situation, but at least now there was no overwhelming despair that consumed him. It took a long time for John to come back, but he was no longer as broken as he was before. He finally had a firm grip on his life, and he couldn’t exchange it for anything.

John suddenly realized that the face he saw reflected in the glass was completely different from that of a teenager in Richmond. A man with a jaded look on his face stood in front of John, instead of a green-eyed kid who was ignorant of the world. Maybe this was my life from the beginning. With a strange sense of confidence, John felt that he had now regained his sanity.

Nevertheless, this sense of loss that his heart bore… would never disappear.

John took a long breath and clenched his fists a couple of times. He opened them. The sunset illuminated the dust particles that fell on his shoulders and then fluttered into the air. The long shadow at his feet shook from the refracted light.

* * *

John had lived a very ordinary life since then.

It was relatively easy to find a job in New York City. Although everything was expensive here, above all, the biggest advantage the city had was that it was easier to make enough money while working part-time.

In particular, John had a handsome appearance and had a subtle eye-catching charm. His appearance was elegant, as if he had never done any hard work in his life. But John’s eyes were dark and jaded, which showed his wilderness. While John was cynical, he was surprisingly sincere. Like his accent, which held a mixture of British and American English, John was filled with many contradictions, which stimulated people’s curiosity. Thus, John began his life in New York City relatively easily.

John got a job at a club in Astoria, Queens, and quickly became accustomed to the club. He was clever and a quick learner, which allowed him to quickly gain the trust of his manager, Thompson, to work at the bar.

John felt that it was too soon for him to make plans for the future, which was why he was focused on what he could do right away. From evening to dawn, he worked at a club and studied cocktail recipes. When it was difficult to endure the frustration, he recklessly went jogging at a nearby park.

On his day off, John read a book in his room, alone, rather than going out to meet people. John would mostly read books that were related to sociology. Even though it was pointless to read those books since he was no longer studying for that major, to John, it felt like a small connection to his now faded past identity. At that time, the remnants of the past, that had been buried a long time ago, came to mind and disappeared.

There was a peaceful time when nothing happened and everything went smoothly. Unfortunately, however, shortly after John got a job, the club was closed for half a year due to a suspension. Manager Thompson hinted at John, who was worried about being able to pay the rent due next month.

“Ethan, do you know Lillyn?”

“Lillyn? You mean the one in Manhattan?

“Yes. My friend is actually a manager there. I heard he’s looking for someone, and I can introduce you there if you want me to. What do you think?”

Unlike the club where John worked, Lillyn was a luxury rooftop lounge club located in downtown Manhattan. It was clear that it would have a good pay. Desperate, John accepted the proposal.

“Can you help me with that?”

“Yes. Although I don’t really like your character, your appearance is great, and above all, you do your work neatly.”

“I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult. But if you do that, I’ll suck your dick.”

“Fuck, I don’t need a fucking Beta to give me head.”

“Haha, thank you anyway.”

Lillyn was famous for being picky about employees, as it had a certain image it needed to maintain. John didn’t have a significant work history, but Lillyn’s manager, Grant, liked him quite a lot. Above all, having Thompson’s recommendation, who Grant had known for a long time, helped a lot. That was the background of John’s employment at Lillyn, even if his studies weren’t enough.

Meanwhile, spring came again, and when he came to his senses, John was 25 years old.

Unable to find an answer to which life was right, John spent day by day feeling like a zombie rather than a living person. John was hesitant, not knowing what he was waiting for, or why he cared so much. Nevertheless, his current daily life was still precious to him.

‘Twenty five…’

Seven years after fleeing Richmond, it was too short a time to be completely free from the past, but it was a long enough time for a person’s collapsed self to recover.

Did I get better?

John asked himself quietly.

Maybe…

Maybe I did.

A small voice whispered in John’s head. He had enough time to look back on himself. At least at this moment, John was satisfied with that alone.

* * *

“Hi, honey. I’m here again.”

As usual, Lillyn was filled with people on the weekends. John, who was busy making cocktails due to an endless amount of orders, raised his head at the cheerful voice. There, Melissa was standing with a smile on her face. They had gotten pretty close. She was as stunning as ever, accompanied by some Alphas.

As he rubbed his wet hands on a dry dishcloth, John shrugged.

“What’s up today? I feel like you have more friends than usual with you.”

“They’re the kids from my college club. They’ve been sticking around me, asking me to play around with them, so I’ve been forced to bring them along.”

Melissa replied as if she was annoyed. Obviously, she was an attractive Omega, and it wasn’t something the Alphas, who somehow tried to get involved with her, didn’t know. John grinned and pointed at them with his chin.

“Why don’t you pick one of them to date? They all look fine.”

At John’s words, Melissa opened her eyes and stuck out her lips.

“What? Are you still wary that I might be interested in you?”

“Oh no, Melissa. Don’t go wrong with me.”

Melissa pouted when John exaggeratedly raised his hands and responded.

“I’m not interested in a married man. As evidence, look, I’m not nervous at all when I talk to you.”

John laughed at the playful way of talking. Melissa was sitting lightly on the stool and supported her chin with both hands. The dark brown eyes, that were looking up at John, were shining warmly.

“Isn’t it good to show up and increase the sales when I’m bored out of my mind?”

“It goes without saying. But even if it’s not for that reason, I would like you to come.”

Melissa smiled at John’s gentle acceptance and gently twirled the wine glass in her hand. The luscious liquid glistened like a ruby in the light of the lamp.

“Even if it’s empty words, I feel good. Actually, today, I called over a friend I really like.”

“There must be someone else coming, aside from the ones standing over there.”

“Yes, it’s my cousin. He was transferred to New York City this time, and he moved in about a week ago. I’ll treat him as a welcome.”

“Aha. Is this his first time in New York City?”

John moderately responded and gave out her favorite salt pretzel. Then, Melissa, who laughed mischievously, broke the pretzel with her finger and put it in her mouth.

“He has traveled here a few times, but it’s the first time he is going to live here. He’s a native of London. I don’t know what to say. Everyone was quite baffled when he suddenly announced his trip to New York City. Everyone is quiet, but nobody knows what’s up with him, to suddenly decide to come here.”

Melissa often told John some stories and always claimed that John was a great listener. However, Melissa couldn’t see his unusually subtle expression.

“I’m pretending to be so busy, but I managed to make an appointment with him today. Even so, look, he hasn’t even shown up so far.”

With Melissa’s grumbling in one ear, John smiled awkwardly. He knew he was overreacting, but he couldn’t tell her what to do. This was John’s chronic disease, so to speak. He used to be ridiculously nervous every time he encountered guests that came from London. John would have thought that his anxiety would have been diluted over time, but the habit still seemed to be there.

London is not a small rural area, so that doesn’t automatically mean I’ll run into someone I know. There’s no chance that’s going to happen. It’s a crazy delusion.

Trying to comfort himself, John placed Melissa’s usual cocktail on the bar table. He was deliberately smiling, in order to alleviate his anxiety.

“If he’s your cousin, he should look like you.”

“Not really. I’m a bit exceptional in my appearance, so it’s incomparable.”

It was when John, who was a little relaxed by her cute response, smiled. Melissa looked over his shoulder and suddenly raised her hand.

“Ah, he’s here.”

“…”

“Joseph!”

John’s eyes opened widely at the name she shouted.

His head reflexively turned faster than he thought it possibly could. When John turned around, his pupils expanded. What had surprised John had also surprised the other person, making the expressionless man walking over stop in place.

Joseph Pierce, the one whom John had never thought of meeting here, was standing in front of him. As soon as their eyes met, all of the memories that were buried deep in John’s mind resurfaced. Everything faded away, and John could only see Joseph.

Bathump, bathump, bathump.

John’s heart, which he thought had stopped momentarily, violently thumped with an unstable beat. John stared at Joseph with a blank expression on his face, as if he had become a pillar. He could see Joseph’s lips opening in the distance with a dizzying vision. John. Only after hearing a strange name, even to himself, did John realize that the man in front of him now was really Joseph.

John slowly closed his eyes and then woke up again. As if that would make Joseph disappear like a vision, but what John faced was reality.

“…”

An unnatural silence filled the space between them. The two firmly stood there and stared at each other. The smile gradually disappeared from Melissa’s face, as she sensed the strange tension in the air. She carefully opened her mouth, alternately staring between John and Joseph.

“What the… Do you know each other?”

“…Ah.”

Only then did John come to his senses and exhale heavily. A red flush spread over the pale face. Before John knew it, his fists were clenched. He knew he had to make an excuse somehow, but his mind went blank.

“So…”

Stuttering, John bit his lip. His heart was frantically beating in his chest, feeling like it was about to burst out of his chest. John thought he would be okay, but the state his whole body was in showed otherwise. In the end, John closed his eyes and turned a blind eye to Joseph.

“Ethan…?”

“A friend.”

It was Joseph’s nonchalant voice that broke the silence, which seemed almost impossible to deal with. At that word, John raised his head, and Joseph stepped forward as if he had been waiting for it. Melissa frowned at Joseph, who was already in front of the bar.

“Friends? You’ve never talked about Ethan.”

“Ethan?”

Joseph’s eyes, which were staring at Melissa for a while, made eye contact with John, who lowered his eyes. The tension in the air was about to explode. Joseph stared at John’s nervous jaw and asked Melissa.

“He’s Ethan?”

Only then did John, who had kept his silence, lick his lips. As if he were frozen, he tried to make a stiff smile, suppressing the difficult feeling that made it impossible to even spit out short words.

“Joseph…”

“…”

“Did you forget my name too?”

Joseph squinted at the words. At first glance, when he thought that the smile was shining in his golden eyes, Joseph caught John’s attention. As Joseph turned around, all John could see was a wide and large back.

“That’s right, Ethan. It’s been so long since I got confused.”

“What? You said you were friends. What do you mean, Ethan? Do you really know Joseph?”

“Melissa, can you step aside?”

“What?”

“I’m going to talk to a friend I haven’t seen in a long time.”

Joseph effectively ignored Melissa’s question, putting his hands over her shoulder. Melissa nodded in a daze. Maybe she didn’t think she was in the mood to intervene, so Melissa quietly left her seat and went to see her friends.

After Melissa left, there was a heavy silence in the air where only the two of them remained. Unable to look at Joseph, John stared at his shoulder instead. The neat suit that fitted his shoulder seemed to be custom-made, and the visible watch under the sleeve of the shirt was a brand product that cost tens of thousands of dollars.

Well, most of the students at Heritage were rich, but among them, Joseph’s family was exceptional.

Looking through the traces that were once familiar but now seemed too strange, John tried to control his mouth. If he let his guard down even a little, the memories John had buried would pop out on the surface of his consciousness.

John’s stomach was aching from all of the tension.

“I thought you were dead.”

“…”

“But you’re alive.”

Joseph calmly spoke, which echoed in John’s restless spirit. It was only then did John realize that he was breathing shallowly. When his eyes were no longer blurred, focusing on what was in front of him, John saw Joseph staring at him. As if waiting for eye contact, the golden eyes searched for him.

“I feel like my legs are weak right now.”

When John was talking, he wasn’t intimate but not hostile either. The triviality gave John a small chance to breathe. His eyes recovered as he tried to come to his senses. Then, the man standing across the bar was seen a little more clearly.

John started looking at Joseph, who had somewhat aggressive, but handsome features and lips that looked like they were laughing at first glance due to their clear curves. Joseph’s appearance didn’t change much from the vague memory John had, but the atmosphere around him was very unfamiliar.

John tried to recall how Joseph was in the past, but his memories were all fragmented. In the end, when John gave up thinking, he closed his mouth, and Joseph frowned. It seemed like John was in trouble and embarrassed. It was Joseph who started speaking again this time too.

“How have you been?”

“…”

“Is it a little ridiculous to ask that in a situation like this?”

The tension, which had been pressuring John and making him feel anxious, lost its power due to a greeting that didn’t match the situation. ‘How have you been?’ Wasn’t that a daily conversation starter that was impossible to happen between the two? John unknowingly sighed in relief.

“I’m like, well… You see.”

John’s voice softly trailed off, but to some extent, it sounded calm. However, as if he was laughing at the calmness, John had to grab onto the table as his relaxed body faltered and lost its balance.

Damn it. John swallowed a curse and bit his lips. His heart was still beating unpleasantly fast. His head, which had hardened like a stone, began to move, little by little. John kept saying, as he had not completed the sentence.

“…I’ve been fine.”

John added lightly, with a faint smile.

“You’re not… exactly the same as before. I think you’re a little bigger than you used to be.”

“I was growing up back then.”

Joseph firmly refuted John’s words. The atmosphere changed, but Joseph’s easily angry personality didn’t change. John rubbed his cheek with a small chuckle. His cheek was burning, as if it was on fire.

 

John was officially dead, and Joseph knew it, but his attitude was strangely nonchalant. Seeing that he didn’t ask any questions even though he had a lot to ask, Joseph seemed to have guessed how the situation was going in his own way.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t wonder what Joseph was thinking, but John didn’t have the courage to bring up the topic first. Fortunately, Joseph also seemed to have no intention of questioning John. Instead of asking one question or another, Joseph asked as if he were checking only one thing.

 

“Just now, what did you say was your name?”

 

“…Ethan Taylor.”

 

A name that was now more familiar than his real name, was now prickly, feeling like sand rolling on the tip of his tongue. Joseph opened his eyes a little and muttered, ‘Ethan Taylor’, as if checking. Joseph lightly pressed the temple with his large hand and looked down. The floor gave John no answers.

 

“Then, should I call you Ethan, too?”

 

John nodded a little, biting the flesh inside his mouth. No matter what Joseph thought, John was grateful for the consideration of not asking anything. However, for a while, when John’s eyes met with Melissa, who was looking at this side with an uneasy expression on her face, the anxiety that had been forgotten for a while struck him.

 

Damn it…

 

John groaned. He was relieved to believe that he could hide in a crowded place. He should have been stuck in a nameless country, not in New York City.

 

No, it’s still fine. John tried to sort out the complicated mess in his head. No matter what Joseph thought, John could pack up as soon as he got off work and leave this place. In order to do so, should I first make Joseph keep his mouth shut… cursory words bounced around John’s mind along with some impatience.

 

“The truth is… Joseph, you should have noticed by now, but I have my reasons. I can’t explain everything to you, but I’m here…”

 

“I won’t tell anyone.”

 

“What?”

 

John’s expression cracked when Joseph unexpectedly hit the nail on the head. Joseph, who read John’s eyes without doubt, pressed his lips. Straightening his shoulders, Joseph looked around the outdoor lounge with a relaxed look.

 

“There’s no reason to talk about the bartender I saw for the first time today.”

 

“…I see.”

 

As he was, John nodded a bit too late. Since John didn’t know what to say, the reply was also short.

 

“But…”

 

“…?”

 

“I was very surprised, because at the moment I wondered if it was the power of voodoo magic.”

 

At the frowning expression on Joseph’s face, John unconsciously burst into laughter. At the same time, a huge sense of weakness hit the whole body, as if the paralyzed senses were returning. John hung his exhausted body over the stool and bowed his head. A warm breeze blew over his hot forehead.

 

John had completely forgotten about Joseph. Not only Joseph, but John had tried to forget anything related to the years he spent in Heritage. However, there were times when memories that were not completely hidden came to mind. At that time, John inevitably imagined encountering past acquaintances.

 

He vaguely thought he would be scared, disgusted, angry, or miserable if he ran into them by chance. Now, when John faced Joseph, he realized that there was something that didn’t scare, disgust, or make him angry or miserable.

 

It was a strange thing. Joseph knew all of his shortcomings that John wanted to hide the most, and they weren’t even close to begin with.

 

But why… I’m just feeling relaxed?

 

John thought he would never believe anyone again, but the little consideration Joseph showed in the past made John relax. John laughed at himself for loosening up so easily. 

 

“What is so funny?”

 

Joseph, who was quietly staring at John, asked. The searching gaze stood out clearly in the dizzy lighting. John shook his head with a light smile.

 

“Just because I thought you haven’t changed at all.”

 

Joseph’s eyes were slowly closed and opened by the weird words. The golden eyes had darkened a little. Joseph, after being silent for a while, tilted his head.

 

“So are you disappointed?”

 

“…No.”

 

“…”

 

“No, that’s not it. Rather…”

 

John carefully picked out the right words that were rolling around on the tip of his tongue. When he raised his head, there was no more weird expression on his pale face. John continued to speak without avoiding Joseph’s gaze.

 

“I was relieved that you are the same as before.”

 

Joseph didn’t say anything back. However, the atmosphere surrounding him had become a little too soft. Both decided to go silent. Just in time, the fresh wind lightly swept their hair.

 

* * *

 

After facing Joseph, John was so surprised that he was able to remain calm on the outside. But on the contrary, John was so distracted that he couldn’t even remember how their encounter ended.

 

The conversation between the two ended because of a rush of customers. When John became busy, Joseph obediently went to Melissa’s group and spent time with them until he left Lillyn.

 

However, John sometimes felt Joseph staring at him. His gaze was too intense to not notice. Unable to face it, John chose to turn a blind eye to Joseph. The fatigued tension continued until Joseph left Lillyn.

 

“Haah…”

 

Perhaps because it consumed more energy than expected, John was drained of energy by the time he left work. When he got into his old Ford, John leaned his forehead against the steering wheel and stretched his shoulders. His whole body felt heavy, as if he was being sucked into a swamp.

 

When John, who still had his head resting on the steering wheel for a while, opened his eyes, there was no more concern or complexity visible within his dark green eyes.

 

In fact, it was a simple problem. No matter what Joseph thought, if John got anxious, he could leave New York. It was a city that he had no attachment to from the beginning, and there was nowhere he, a perfect American citizen on paper, couldn’t go. When John thought this through, his anxiety seemed to fade a little.

 

John quickly packed his things inside a simple luggage that day. However, despite such efforts, Joseph didn’t appear again. John’s usual daily life went on, but with some tension added. Only after nearly two weeks, did John reject the original plan.

 

If Joseph is really going to ignore me… Can I stay here a little longer?

 

It was a feeble, yet cautious assumption.

 

After spending a day that wasn’t much different from another day, John went straight to the bathroom. He would have normally gone straight to the bedroom, but the fact that tomorrow was his day off made John feel relaxed. The dripping water droplets left a trace on the thin T-shirt. John, holding a beer bottle instead of a towel, held the remote control in his hand. When he turned on the old TV, noise filled the room. As it was early in the morning, news and reruns were being aired on most channels.

 

[Everyone will be interested in this piece of news. ]

 

“…”

 

John’s face became stiff just before he could change the channel. He was strongly gripping the remote. The current program was talking about current news. It must have been a rerun, since it was dealing with a story about two companies that were sharply divided over a recent merger and acquisition.

 

Plus, Valentine’s face was on the screen.

 

In the video, Valentine was escorting a beautiful actress and entering the screening hall of a blockbuster movie, which was scheduled to be released soon. John put down the beer bottle and stared at the screen. Unconsciously, he bit his lips, which were beginning to ache.

 

[Watson’s management and L&T have not been able to overcome their differences. Perhaps, aware of the facts, Valentine Lindbergh seems to be adopting a different strategy than ever. Am I right, Jennifer?]

 

[Yes, Colin. As you know, Valentine has no qualms about exposing himself to the media, and the interest in him is just that great. As a director, he ranks in the top 20 celebrities in the U.S. in terms of SNS platform by Buzz Volume.]

 

[Considering that the current president came in fifth, it’s amazing.]

 

[I think it’s partly because he’s a member of the veiled Lindbergh family, but also because he looks beautiful enough to be an actor.]

 

With perfectly styled hair created with pomade, Valentine was wearing a formal black suit, which sharply contrasted the red carpet. The deep blue eyes hidden under the straight forehead, stretched nose, delicate lips and sleek jawline hadn’t changed much from a few years ago, but they looked completely unfamiliar.

 

As the panel said, unlike Ryan, who extremely protected his privacy, Valentine didn’t hesitate to appear in the media. People were enthusiastic about the appearance of a young and handsome media prince. John knew to some extent about Valentine’s moves, even if he didn’t want to.

 

[Some criticize his exposure to the media, saying that he has yet to prove any significant management skills. Especially in the midst of a hostile merger and acquisition dispute with Watson, I think this is some kind of wartime management…]

 

It couldn’t be, but Valentine’s appearance in front of the camera seemed like a warning to John, telling him not to be too relieved. No matter how much John thought about it, he was too self-conscious. I’m officially dead, so why can’t I stop thinking about it? As John recalled Valentine’s existence, he knew he wouldn’t ever get used to it.

 

John turned off the TV, laughing at himself, as if he could forget that. When the loud voice of the TV disappeared, the room was quiet at once. I have become weak. After drinking more than half of his beer in one go, John got up from his seat. Inside the dark bedroom, he threw himself onto a cheap mattress.

 

John blankly stared at the old ceiling.

 

When I felt this way…

 

I was dying to take drugs.

 

John was free during his stay in Monterrey. He was so free that he felt pleasant about the fact that he was destroying himself. At that time, John’s self-destructive anger was piled up like tar inside, and he tried to wipe it out as a punishment. It was as easy as breathing for a wealthy British young man to get addicted to drugs and alcohol.

 

John had tasted cigarettes or marijuana when he was attending Heritage. It was only when he was in Monterrey, that he was obsessed with heroin, ecstasy, and cocaine. Fortunately, he returned to the U.S. before developing an addiction. Since then, he hadn’t escaped reality with the power of drugs.

 

At a moment like this, he started to miss it. John raised his head.

 

However, John couldn’t tolerate collapsing just by seeing Valentine.

 

John licked his thick lips, started searching and grabbed a cigarette pack. Licking the soft filter with the dried tip of his tongue, he tried to empty his head.

 

After tossing and turning for a long time, he was able to fall into a dream.

 

* * *

 

“…Why are you here again?”

 

John looked at Joseph, standing in front of him, with a dumbfounded face. Then, Joseph giggled as if he had expected such a reaction.

 

“I don’t think this place has a very good way of welcoming guests.”

 

John frowned. It was Joseph who was quiet for weeks after the first day he came with Melissa. How dare you come to Lillyn only after some time has passed, so careless. To John, Joseph’s attitude was foolish. The replying voice naturally became cold.

 

“You’re not just a guest.”

 

Joseph squinted his eyes at the blunt remark. The light pigmented eyes showed that they were interested. Hmm, Joseph shrugged with a crooked smile on his mouth.

 

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m just here as a guest.”

 

“…”

 

“Don’t tell me that you think I’m here to see you…”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t want you to be mistaken.”

 

The blunt words made John’s face turn red. That wasn’t what I thought, so why am I overreacting like this. John thought, while trying to relax his expression. In the past, Joseph wasn’t such a relaxed and calm guy. Rather, he was easy to read and he reacted transparently.

 

“That’s not it…”

 

John didn’t even remember that Joseph existed in this world not long ago. In the midst of that, John might have pretended to know too much about Joseph… John, who felt an awkward feeling, avoided Joseph’s gaze. As John couldn’t hide his embarrassment, the corner of Joseph’s mouth turned upwards. John sighed and opened his mouth.

 

“But it’s uncomfortable for you to come.”

 

“I know.”

 

John didn’t hide his dumbfounded expression at the brazen response. Then, Joseph pointed to his companions with his eyes: Betas and Alphas all dressed in luxurious suits. Their facial expressions were quite relaxed.

 

“I didn’t really mean to come. I’ll disappear soon, so don’t worry.”

 

John laughed, but Joseph really kept his word. He didn’t pretend to know John or say anything useless. He didn’t come to John except when he first said hello. The intense gaze John felt on the first day was also gone.

 

Joseph’s attitude, because it was perfectly natural, was rather unnatural. John felt it was increasingly difficult to grasp Joseph’s innermost thoughts. However, even though John was terribly curious, he didn’t intend to poke the hive where the bee was quietly asleep.

 

From that day on, Joseph often visited Lillyn. It was with various companions, including colleagues, friends, and Melissa, but none of them knew John. John could see that Joseph seemed to be acting casually, but treated John quite carefully.

 

John, who was initially wary that Joseph would be a link to his past, gradually became relieved. Anyway, Joseph was a good customer. He didn’t make a fuss and left the bar shortly after. Sometimes Joseph argued with John under the pretext of conversation, but even that didn’t last long.

 

For John, Joseph was a contradictory being who made him feel both nervous and comfortable. John was wary of Joseph, but he could only exist in front of Joseph as John Lindbergh, not Ethan Taylor. At that time, John felt as if he had become an ordinary 25 year old. He couldn’t judge whether that was good or bad.

 

It was a night when the hot heat melted into the atmosphere and the music beat raised with excitement. People looked down at the dizzying skyscrapers from the crowded lounge, revealing their joy without any filters.

 

When Joseph had just entered Lillyn, John was busy working. Lillyn’s bartenders had no time to rest and they couldn’t even eat properly on weekends. John didn’t realize that he had come until Joseph arrived right in front of him.

 

“Ethan.”

 

John raised his head at the low voice calling him, and as soon as their eyes met, he smiled reflexively. Joseph paused at the closeness that John unconsciously revealed, and soon put a slight smile on his mouth.

 

Unlike usual, since Joseph usually wore a suit, Joseph was wearing a white T-shirt and black jeans that accentuated his sleek body line. Combined with his unique impression, he looked more comprehensible than usual, reminiscent of the eighteen-year-old Joseph.

 

“Are you here again today?”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“I thought you were a poor one, spending Friday without a date. What would you like to drink?”

 

“I don’t mind, you make it. Something you think I would like.”

 

Joseph got on John’s nerves when he heard the arrogant order, since he was already busy, but instead of ignoring Joseph’s words, John nodded obediently.

 

“There’s something that comes to mind that suits you.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Joseph sat on the stool with a curious look on his face. John reached out to juice and syrup with anticipation. The cocktail that was soon completed was a sweet tropical drink with a pink base, something that girls in their early twenties would like.

 

“What do you think of this non-alcohol cocktail for you? Do you like it, Princess?”

 

Joseph, staring at the cocktail glass in front of him with a puzzled look, said one beat later.

 

“Are you kidding?”

 

“I’m not kidding. Don’t ignore my feelings for you.”

 

Joseph, trying to protest, gently grabbed the glass after John continued speaking. John thought that Joseph would pour it out right away in a fit of anger, but the unexpected calmness attracted John’s interest. John forgot to keep working, and stared at the red tongue that was wrapped around the straw.

 

“How does it taste?”

 

“…Sweet. It tastes like cheap syrup.”

 

John burst into laughter at the incisive evaluation that was made with no filter. Joseph giggled with an expression that said he would drink it just because John made it, but that idea was crushed as if Joseph didn’t agree with the sweet taste.

 

“You don’t have to force yourself to drink it.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“That’s nice. You should have done this in school.”

 

“You just won’t let it slide, will you?”

 

“Who likes who?”

 

John said jokingly, while washing the shaker. There was a comfortable silence. Joseph spat out to John, who was humming along with the music in a flawless tune.

 

“The truth is, it’s still amazing that you’re here with me.”

 

“I feel the same.”

 

It was a dry answer that left little impression. Joseph had been quiet for a long time since then, and opened his mouth as if hesitating only after John’s eyes reached him again.

 

“You.”

 

“What?”

 

“By any chance, were you a little happy to see me?”

 

“…No?”

 

Joseph rubbed his lower lip, looking at John’s face as if he were saying, “That can’t be true.” The white and straight teeth were slightly revealed, then disappeared. This time, a little impatient voice came out.

 

“So, what about now?”

 

“Now what?”

 

“Are you happy that we met?”

 

“…I still don’t.”

 

“I’m the idiot who asked.”

 

Joseph wrinkled his eyebrows, filled with a determined denial that didn’t even give John time to think. John leaned halfway against the bar table and sighed. The straight brows frowned, and the thin lips sprouted as if they didn’t know what to do. John searched for the right words a few times and raised his head.

 

“If you were me, I would do that.”

 

“What?”

 

“If you were me, you would be the same.”

 

An uncomfortable tension settled in the place where the lightness disappeared. Joseph, who had remained silent expressionless, raised his chin as if asking John to continue. John spoke calmly.

 

“You know that.”

 

“…”

 

“The reason of why I’m here”

 

“…”

 

“And that this is the only way I can live”

 

Joseph didn’t show any change in his facial expression, but the light that swirled inside his eyes deepened. Joseph kept silent as he was thinking, and bowed his head later. The neat fingers slowly ran along the coaster, as if gathering his thoughts.

 

“But if I were you, I would be the same.”

 

“What?”

 

“You must have been curious.”

 

John’s expression was shaken by the unexpected words. However, even before he could hide his expression, John’s face became as hard as a stone at Joseph’s following words.

 

“When I took you to Richmond, it was raining.”

 

The word ‘Richmond’ was like magic, a key to a door to the past that opened without notice. Time suddenly flowed in reverse order, and the sound of heavy rain filled John’s eardrum instead of the surrounding noise. John blinked at the feeling that everything turned black.

 

“In fact, there was a coat in the back seat.”

 

“…”

 

“But I was a dickhead… I thought about it on my way back to school.”

 

The strange tension formed between them covered the boisterous laughter of the guests. However, as if covered with a thin film, the heterogeneity that separated them from the outside didn’t fade. Joseph continued to speak, without taking his eyes off the agitated John.

 

“I should have given it to you, and I had such regrets.”

 

John didn’t say anything back. The face with the usual calm felt cold. Joseph reached out to him, but before his hand touched John’s wrist, John stepped back.

 

“I was actually going to look for you.”

 

John’s shoulders trembled as if someone had stabbed him. He tried to stop Joseph, suppressing the urge to cover his ears.

 

“Joseph.”

 

“I can’t believe you went missing in Mexico.”

 

“…Joseph.”

 

“Of course, that was impossible.”

 

“You, what are you trying to say?”

 

Unable to control the naturally fierce voice, John was stiff, but Joseph wasn’t shaken. Rolling the cocktail glass with little content, Joseph replied gracefully.

 

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“I just wanted to see you again for once.”

 

“…”

 

“That’s all.”

 

The heavy voice at the end of the speech made John’s heart feel better. However, Joseph stood up from his seat without giving a name to the emotion of the moment. Joseph drank about half of the cocktail at once in front of John.

 

“I don’t like this mushy taste.”

 

The expression reflected on the shiny mirror glass was the same as usual. Unlike John, who was still confused, Joseph was perfectly nonchalant and laughed.

 

“John… No, Ethan.”

 

“…”

 

“I’m not doing anything to you, so don’t be too wary.”

 

Joseph’s fingers overlapped when holding John’s wrist. With no hesitation, Joseph’s hot body heat wrapped over John’s skin. Surprised, John pulled his arm, but Joseph’s grip catch was powerful and wouldn’t budge. Eventually, John’s palm was forced upward, and a hundred-dollar bill was placed on it. The smile got bigger.

 

“A tip.”

 

“Wait a minute, Joseph. This is too much…”

 

Joseph let go of his wrist and turned around without regret. When John, who looked down at the bill in his hand stupidly, raised his head late, Joseph had already disappeared into the crowd.

 

* * *

 

On the surface, at least, the relationship between the two hadn’t changed much. As he has done so far, Joseph often visited Lillyn, and each time they had a poetic conversation.

 

It was a Friday when the heat of a summer night was in full bloom like a flower. The heat continued day after day, but it didn’t seem to be a big problem for young people. The outdoor area, where the air conditioner was out of reach, was full, and Joseph was also in the crowd.

 

John, who had been busy for a long time, took advantage of his spare time to stretch his back. The aimlessly wandering look in the lounge reached Joseph. Standing at a table, laughing loudly with his friends, Joseph was fresh like a sprout.

 

Unlike me.

 

Seeing that at first glance, a bitter smile was on John’s face.

 

Joseph was 25 years old now and had become a young man with a firm sense of pride, without any room for frustration. Although his rough and arrogant personality in the past hadn’t changed much, Joseph now had sophisticated manners when he had social meetings.

 

Joseph’s friends also seemed to be of the same kind. Everyone wore formal clothes, but the suits seemed to be tailored to the body and not ready-made, making them shine. One could smell Alpha’s pheromones instead of perfume, so they were obviously top people.

 

At first, John, who was overwhelmed just by trying to figure out Joseph’s intentions, felt strange as Joseph repeatedly returned. It also resembled a glimmer of affection that would never come again.

 

‘I think I was once like that, too…’

 

Now John felt uncomfortable just being in the same space as those Alphas. John thought in a slightly cynical way. He was sure he wouldn’t stand hanging out with them even for a minute.

 

John’s eyes lowered to his hands. The hands had long become rough with traces of labor, and small wounds remained blurred on each finger joint. He remembered the past when he used to take care of his hands. John raised his head, trying to shake off the thoughts.

 

His indifferent gaze ran into Joseph, and as if it were a signal, he approached John. Sitting on his usual stool, Joseph lifted his finger as if it were natural. John felt particularly uncomfortable with that attitude today, but this was his job and Joseph was a guest. John unwillingly dragged his steps.

 

“What do you want to drink?”

 

“Give me a balvenie.”

 

“Why don’t you just go to a whiskey bar?”

 

John grumbled and took the ice out of the ice bucket. Joseph smiled and asked back.

 

“And what am I doing now?”

 

“Don’t talk to me.”

 

John gave Joseph the whiskey and cleanly washed the cobbler shaker he used. Joseph watched John busily move around, as he rested his chin on his hand. John didn’t care much because he had gotten quite used to Joseph’s meaningless gaze.

 

John helped several guests, and Joseph’s glass was also empty. The toned-down Nu-disco created a languid atmosphere in line with the damp and hot weather. A red flag, which was like a symbol of Lillyn, fluttered slowly in the heavy wind. The atmosphere was humid, and time seemed to have stopped. It was time for John to take advantage of his free time and fall into his thoughts.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

John blinked at Joseph’s question.

 

The truth was that John was thinking about leaving New York City. The encounter with Joseph was entirely coincidental, but there was a constant nerve-racking anxiety that John was unable to ignore. John knew better than anyone that the strong friendship between the Pierce family and the Lindbergh family wasn’t something to ignore.

 

Joseph was a good friend, but he wasn’t close enough to be with the Lindbergh family even at the risk of being reconnected. John had already asked Grant for an exit interview, and he planned to leave for Chicago as soon as the handover was completed to some extent. Thompson’s newly opened bar was there.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

John, who was captivated by the untimely appreciation, returned to reality when Joseph asked again. When John came to his senses, Joseph was looking at him with an unpleasant look on his face. John shrugged with a humble smile.

 

“I was thinking the music was good.”

 

“That’s not fun.”

 

“It’s better than bothering a busy person like you.”

 

“I know what you think of me, even if you don’t tell me.”

 

Joseph’s answer made John burst into laughter. Joseph’s brows frowned because of the laughter. After returning to normal, John continued to talk with a slightly awkward look with a hmm.

 

“It’s my birthday soon.”

 

“Birthday?”

 

“Yeah. Shall we… party here that day?”

 

It was funny how Joseph said that with the vague look on his face. He wanted to tell John that it was his birthday, but it was clear that Joseph was feeling embarrassed when he spit it out. Even though John knew that, he wasn’t good enough to pretend not to know. Instead of giving Joseph the answer he wanted, John laughed as he cringed.

 

“Do you still have big parties for your birthday at this age? Well, you have always been childish. That’s why you bullied me, I didn’t like it.”

 

“Stop talking nonsense.”

 

Joseph growled with a red face. John, who had been giggling for a long time, at the sight of Joseph’s face, belatedly asked.

 

“So, when?”

 

“…The first Saturday next month.”

 

Joseph answered meekly with a look of pride on his face. Only then, did John give the answer Joseph wanted to hear.

 

“I see, congratulations in advance.”

 

Joseph looked at John weirdly.

 

“Why are you saying in advance? You can go and celebrate then.”

 

Because I might not be here by then.

 

John hid his innermost thoughts and pressed his lips. Instead of answering Joseph’s question, John turned to another subject.

 

“The rental fee here costs a lot more than you think. There’s going to be an extra charge as it’s on the weekend, and I’m sure it’s burdensome for you.”

 

“I’ll take care of it. What time do you get off today?”

 

“Why?”

 

“You said you’re taking a day off tomorrow. Let’s hang out after work.”

 

“…”

 

“It’s morning, so there’s nothing special to do.”

 

Joseph crossed the line without notice. As if a natural agreement had been formed between them, John, who had solidified his expression, soon hid his stiff lips. But the responding voice was so brusque, that John felt as if he had no choice, but to do something.

 

“Why would I hang out with you?”

 

“Don’t want to?”

 

“No.”

 

“I knew it.”

 

Joseph laughed, as if he had expected a rejection. This time, a more sharp reply came out of his mouth.

 

“If you know it, don’t talk to me.”

 

Joseph laughed at the overreaction. It wasn’t until Joseph’s glaring eyes turned toward him that John recognized that he overdid it. John felt frustrated, but it was already spilled milk. There was an awkward silence between the two.

 

Joseph’s easygoing proposal was irritating entirely because of John’s inferiority complex. In contrast to Joseph’s composure, John’s desperation and desire to escape again to try to live somehow exploded at the wrong timing.

 

Maybe Joseph couldn’t understand John. John hoped that Joseph would never think badly of him. As if John’s expectation wasn’t wrong, Joseph asked with a face that showed that he didn’t know the reason.

 

“Why did you suddenly get angry?”

 

John ignored his burning earlobe and made excuses with some vague words.

 

“Thank you for being considerate of me, but I don’t want to get along with you any longer.”

 

Clatter, the ice slipped in an empty glass. In an instant, a cold silence filled the space. Joseph, who was keeping his mouth shut, tilted his head.

 

“Why would I do that?”

 

John was at a loss for words when Joseph asked calmly. Joseph asked a blunt question, as he looked at John stained with embarrassment.

 

“Because what I know about you makes you feel uncomfortable?”

 

John, who was keeping his frozen silence, nodded a beat later.

 

“…Yes.”

 

In response to that answer, which intended to draw a line between the two, Joseph had a smile over his lips.

 

“Okay, then I’ll forget about what happened.”

 

Contrary to John’s expectation that he would get angry, Joseph stepped back with a fresh attitude. It was rather John who was taken aback by the indifference. Joseph, who hadn’t lost sight of John’s agitation, quickly made a suggestion.

 

“Come to my birthday party instead.”

 

“…As I said.”

 

“Why, is this threatening your peace too? I just want to get the right congratulations.”

 

The wind swept through them. Joseph’s red hair danced in the air due to that. Joseph didn’t get caught up in John’s provocation. The lost hostility fizzled out, and in the end, John gave a hopeless response.

 

“I’ll be awkwardly crushed even if I go to a place like that anyway, because I’m old enough to get along with the arrogant young master.”

 

“Aren’t you tired of being sarcastic all the time?”

 

Joseph seemed to endure for quite a long time due to his fiery temper, but his patience seemed to be limited. The reason why John didn’t stroke Joseph’s temper more was because John read the anxiety in his eyes. The tension swaying in the golden eyes seemed to be in his hands, making John feel complicated.

 

Joseph, why are you feeling so nervous about this?

 

“…Alright.”

 

However, instead of asking honestly, John gave a desperate answer, and only then did Joseph’s brows straighten out. Suddenly feeling awkward, John touched the roof of his mouth with the tip of his tongue. After becoming Ethan Taylor, John deliberately didn’t have a close relationship with anyone. However, none other than Joseph was narrowing the boundary.

 

But I’ll be leaving soon anyway… It’ll be fine.

 

Although he had never made it clear, John had always felt grateful to Joseph, so staying in New York City until Joseph’s birthday was nothing. If it could replace the last farewell, so long as Joseph was a little less discouraged after he left, John would be willing to do so.

 

* * *

 

The Saturday evening that he promised to Joseph came. The meeting place was Scarsdale, one of the richest villages in New York City, which boasted high real estate prices. At first glance, it seemed to be a mansion used by the Pierce family for their occasional visits to the United States.

 

Incongruous with the lavish neighborhood, an old Ford crossed the smooth road. Passing through the quiet residential area, John lowered the window. The red sunset was spreading on the vast land. The quiet, which was completely different from Manhattan, followed the deepening twilight.

 

“Ahh.”

 

Upon arriving at the meeting place, John let out an exclamation. The Pierce mansion was much larger and more luxurious than expected. Built in the antique colonial style, the ivory mansion was two stories high and horizontally long. Through the open window, the lights of the house leaked out softly, and people flocked to the wide lawn in front of the mansion. There seemed to be at least 450 people.

 

I thought it was a private party, far from loud.

 

John narrowed his brows. Cloud-like smoke spread out from the large barbecue grill lined up in front of the mansion, neat and luxurious food was set up on the long table next to it. The cream-colored empty bags, cushions, and sitting tables, in contrast to the fresh lawn, made John feel as if he were at a resort.

 

It seemed to have cost quite a bit of money at a glance. However, all this luxury left John with little impression. It just reminded him once again how out of place he was.

 

The red sunset and the dark blue mixed up with the momentum, eating each other. John, who was standing with a fantastic colored sky on his back, slowly moved forward. While walking on the soft grass, he could see a slim man’s back standing with a wine glass in his hand.

 

“Joseph.”

 

Joseph, who was staring at a distance with an expressionless face, turned around. At that moment, a smile resembling summer spread over his face.

 

“You’re here?”

 

Joseph approached him and bowed his head slightly to meet John’s eye level. Perhaps because he was the host of the party, Joseph was showing off his exceptionally bright appearance today. Thanks to turning his head back, Joseph’s straight features stood out. His straight shirts and dark slacks made him look even taller.

 

“Why are you so late?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

With an insincere apology, John handed Joseph the bouquet he was holding. Joseph’s face became subtle when he was handed a bouquet of flowers in a daze. This was because the bouquet in kraft paper consisted of lysiansus, wax flowers, and others. It boasted excessive delicacy for men to receive.

 

“I bought this on my way here because I couldn’t come empty-handed. You know that I don’t have any money.”

 

“…Do I have to water it?”

 

John thought Joseph would be angry at him for making fun of him, but Joseph only muttered that sentence with an expression on his face that was unexpectedly embarrassing. John didn’t feel the reaction was so bad, so he giggled as he bit a cigarette. He swung his hand at Joseph and looked around.

 

“Give it to me.”

 

Joseph followed silently as John took the lead to the bar table. Still holding the unlit cigarette in his mouth, John poured moderate water into an empty beer glass he received from the bartender and set up a bouquet of flowers. Joseph swept his chin at the finished temporary vase.

 

“You’re used to this. It doesn’t suit you.”

 

“Well, anyway. It’s your birthday, so happy birthday.”

 

John smiled and gave Joseph a belated congratulations. Joseph’s eyes squinted when he saw John’s smiling face. The lips with clear lines were sweet, as if they had something to say. However, even before Joseph opened his mouth, a figure who suddenly appeared from behind blocked the two.

 

“Ethan! You’re here.”

 

“Melissa.”

 

As John grinned and bowed slightly, Melissa, with her hand on his shoulder, pretended to kiss John on the cheek. As she got closer, being an Omega, her sweet smell tickled the tip of John’s nose. Wearing a fresh green dress, Melissa looked really pretty in the summer night atmosphere.

 

“You’re pretty today as well, Melissa.”

 

“Ahaha, I’m not going to deny that.”

 

When Melissa, who smiled cheerfully, reached out, John gently gave up his arm. Joseph’s dissatisfied gaze reached the two, staring at each other warmly. Joseph’s bumpy voice wasn’t much different from the expression.

 

“Melissa, don’t you see that we’re talking?”

 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Ethan, so give him to me. You go hang out with your friends, seeing that you’re the host.”

 

Melissa lightly ignored Joseph’s words and led John, saying, “Let’s go.” John felt as if he was committing a sin, so he pretended not to see Joseph’s eyes and walked away.

 

Melissa became very angry when she found out that John wasn’t a married man and stopped visiting Lillyn for a while. The fact that she was rejected in the worst way possible seemed to hurt her pride. She acted as if she would never see John again, but over time, her anger seemed to be somewhat diluted.

 

John didn’t want to go against Melissa if possible, so he followed her obediently. After talking to Melissa for a while, a gorgeous beauty appeared. Melissa looked back without hesitation and smiled like a flower.

 

“Alexa, you’re here.”

 

“I’m sorry I’m late. Goddamn Jason wouldn’t let me go. I already said hi to Joseph.”

 

“Good job.”

 

“And who is this?”

 

A pair of black eyes turned to John. Melissa introduced John to her.

 

“This is my friend, Ethan. This is Ethan, Alexa.”

 

“Aha, so you’re Ethan? Nice to meet you.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Alexa.”

 

John shook Alexa’s hand lightly. He was curious that Melissa, who had a strong heterosexual tendency, was dating a female Alpha, but when he saw her, he understood. Alexa was an Alpha who was so sensual and sexy that Melissa fell in love with her.

 

“Ethan, I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Okay.”

 

It wasn’t until the two walked away holding hands, that John woke up. Looking around for a while, he stepped toward the bar table.

 

“A glass of martini, please.”

 

Holding a cocktail glass in his hand, John looked around the party where the atmosphere was cold. Contrary to his concerns, most of them were strangers, except for a few who he had seen in Lillyn. Was this also Joseph’s consideration? At first glance, John giggled, shaking off the thought passing through his head. If Joseph had known what John thought, he would have laughed, saying it was excessive self-consciousness.

 

Everywhere John could see, he felt calmer. At first, John thought he had worn clothes that didn’t fit him, but he gradually relaxed because of the chill atmosphere. By the time John finished his martini, Joseph had managed to escape the crowd. The silhouette, with its bright back, shone in a pale golden color.

 

“Have you eaten anything?”

 

Joseph, sitting next to John, looked at the bartender. Soon, the same martini that John was drinking was placed in front of him.

 

“Yeah, thanks to Melissa taking care of this and that.”

 

Joseph frowned, as if he was annoyed by the short response.

 

“She still likes you, doesn’t she?”

 

“Not at all. She’s crazy about her girlfriend.”

 

“Don’t be too nice.”

 

“I’m telling you she doesn’t.”

 

“Well, by the way, I didn’t really say it properly earlier… Thank you for the flowers.”

 

Joseph turned around with the sudden comment, and their knees unintentionally brushed. Alpha pheromones were carried in the wind as the distance narrowed. Joseph’s pheromones had an incongruous scent that reminded John of juicy pears and acacia.

 

“…You’re too close.”

 

But no matter how superior it was for an Alpha, for John, an Alpha’s pheromones were only a catalyst for trauma. Joseph bit his lips in frustration by instinct. Awkwardness came out of the blue.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Alpha or Omega’s pheromones didn’t need to be hidden. However, Joseph always completely controlled his pheromones in front of John. Even now, the scent lightly surrounding him had disappeared without a trace. John laughed bitterly. In this way, John didn’t want to realize that there were Alphas and Omegas. The voice following such inner thoughts was more rigid than usual.

 

“Don’t be so unnatural. It’s not like I’m going to lose my mind.”

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

Joseph cut off John’s words, but then kept his mouth shut. Suddenly, the air became heavy, as they met each other’s gaze. The gold eyes, which had always been staring directly, shone slightly differently. It was a new perception that the person in front of Joseph was an Omega. However, Joseph soon stopped having that expression and calmly continued his speech.

 

“I usually control it well, but I’m drunk.”

 

“…I told you not to make unnecessary excuses.”

 

The defensive mechanism, which was always ready to make itself known, appeared as if it had been waiting. Joseph paused at the colder than necessary voice.

 

“Excuse?”

 

John rolled up his lower lip and bit it. Unlike when he was with others, John couldn’t keep a poker face when around Joseph. No matter how John pretended to be fine, Joseph would know how upset John was feeling inside. John would never be equal to Joseph in the future. Suddenly feeling stifled inside his chest, John roughly disheveled his hair.

 

“The fact that I don’t have to hide anything in front of you is both comforting and cumbersome. Just don’t pretend not to be aware of it. Don’t be vague.”

 

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“I mean…”

 

John lowered his gaze. He didn’t mean to say this. The warning light was on going off inside his head, but it wasn’t enough to stop the words from coming out of John’s mouth.

 

“The likes and favors you show me.”

 

Suddenly out of breath, John paused for a moment. Joseph was quiet and not agitated at all. Joseph just waited for his answer.

 

Joseph often visited Lillyn, despite his busy schedule and carefully narrowed his distance from John. But the strange glances John made felt as if Joseph didn’t mean to, or the uneasy lips acting as if they were swallowing what to say…

 

It was strange not to assume that Joseph might think of John as more than just a friend. John thought he wasn’t and should not be the subject of such emotions.

 

The gaze wandering through the wide lawn reached Joseph again. Unlike a while ago, there was no confusion in the green eyes.

 

“It means it’s an illusion that comes from compassion.”

 

“…”

 

“That makes me uncomfortable. So… don’t.”

 

Joseph was still expressionless and showed no sign of opening his mouth, which was pressed tightly. John rubbed his lips. He belatedly felt regret that he shouldn’t have said such a thing. It was like John had come all the way here just to ruin his last day in New York.

 

“…I’ll get going. Have a good time.”

 

John couldn’t bear any more awkwardness, so he turned around, leaving only a hasty farewell.

 

“Uh…”

 

As he tried to move forward, John’s body was pulled back. Joseph was holding his wrist, and made John face him with a sunken look on his face. The heat coming up through the skin was hot and the grip was strong. Joseph opened his mouth with an ambiguous look on his face, that didn’t show whether he was smiling or frowning.

 

“Compassion?”

 

“…”

 

“Don’t pretend that you don’t know me. You know, I’m not a softie.”

 

“…If not.”

 

John responded by somehow trying to pull out his arm from Joseph’s grip. The cold smile on John’s thin lips was like a piece of ice. He thought he shouldn’t, but the anger lurking inside John ended up facing the wrong opponent.

 

“Why? Do you want to fuck me because I’m an omega too?”

 

John pretended to be calm on the surface, but what laid at the bottom was a long-standing hardened anger. Joseph didn’t show any significant facial changes to that question. The loud music split the tension between the two.

 

“…No.”

 

As the music reached its climax, Joseph slowly opened his fingers that were holding John’s wrist. Soon the big hand fell completely, and Joseph repeated the same answer once again.

 

“No.”

 

There was still some heat in Joseph’s eyes, but the answer was cold. Joseph stood up from his seat, following John and twisting his mouth. Joseph grinned as John swallowed his dry saliva under the pressure.

 

“What made you so twisted?”

 

“What?”

 

“To the point where even thoughtless words can be twisted.”

 

“…”

 

“Don’t overreact elsewhere. It looks ridiculous.”

 

John was embarrassed by the harsh words, but soon giggled. After a moment of silence, John meekly accepted Joseph’s advice and nodded.

 

“…Well, yeah, I guess I did.”

 

John would have been even more angry if Joseph had used some sympathetic words or made an excuse. The answer without hypocrisy was rather comforting to John. As soon as Joseph, who was staring at John’s weak smile, narrowed the distance, a loud noise erupted from behind.

 

“Joseph! Come here for a sec! Brandon, look at this bastard.”

 

“Shit, wait a minute…”

 

“Go ahead. Your friends have been looking for you for a while.”

 

“I’m talking to you.”

 

“Go to them.”

 

At John’s repeated words John, Joseph, stood there with a worried expression on his face for a while, ended up annoyingly disheveling his hair.

 

“Then, wait. I have something to say.”

 

Soon after, a joyful roar broke out in the crowd as they welcomed back the party’s protagonist. John ordered another martini, as he watched Joseph surrounded by his friends. An unspecified number of people approached and moved away from him. John was spending time watching them and looked at the clock. A couple of hours had passed before he knew it.

 

“Let’s get going…”

 

Joseph, although he had told John to wait, had completely disappeared into the mansion. John thought about it for a while, but he decided to leave like this. He didn’t like how stupid he was being to Joseph. Rather than becoming more ridiculous, it would be better to end the relationship with only moderately good memories at this point. One would accuse John of being a coward, but he no longer wanted to be swayed by any relationship.

 

John quietly got out of his seat and walked away. As the party moved away, the noise also faded away. As John crossed the fairly large lawn, the security guard, Marcos, who was standing by the heavy iron door, smiled kindly at him. The door of the mansion closed behind him, and John took a long, deep breath in silence.

 

“…Haah”

 

There was a huge full moon in the sky. The large sphere emitted a pale light. The wind carried the scent of grass as it passed John. Feeling good, John closed his eyes and took a deep breath once again.

 

It was then.

 

In the cool wind, a faintly foreign scent was mixed in.

 

It was distant and creepy, it also felt aggressive.

 

John opened his eyes at the sensation of his back going cold. His heart began to beat anxiously, and he felt uncomfortable . It was as if a flock of butterflies were sitting in his stomach, flapping their wings all at once.

 

Under the steps, the long shadows reflected by the faint streetlights stretched. The sound of the leaves shaking in the wind and hitting each other rang in his ears. From the party hall, the faint sound of music came in like a rising tide and soon dispersed. All of his senses suddenly became sharp, as if they were needles. John felt his neck break out in a cold sweat.

 

I don’t think so.

 

There is… No way.

 

John, who didn’t know what he was denying and as he repeated those words, gulped as he swallowed his dry saliva. He crashed against a wooden fence, which left behind a bitter pain.

 

It was when John suppressed the fear he felt inside, that he slowly turned around.

 

“…”

 

A tall man stood hidden in the dark. Since he was completely submerged in darkness, only the silhouette could be identified, but the faintly lit blonde hair glowed white.

 

John’s heart started beating like crazy, feeling that it was going to explode.

 

The man leisurely walked over, one step after another, as if he had looked into John’s heart. Under the light, first the sleek shoes were revealed, followed by long legs, large hands, and wide shoulders. When the man fully stood in the light, John no longer had any expression on his face.

 

“John, long time no see.”

 

John felt dizzy after hearing the low voice. As John held onto his limping leg, he stared at the man. His lips moved on their own without him realizing it, as they pronounced a name John thought he would never say again.

 

“…Valentine.”

 

The red lips slightly smirked. At that moment, it felt as if the ground beneath John’s feet was pulled away and the sky collapsed.

 

As if John had gone back in time, Valentine was standing in front of him.

 

“Did you enjoy your long trip?”

 

Don’t think about it.

 

Don’t think about it.

 

If I think…

 

John tried to calm himself down, one way or another. However, the lock on the deeply buried past was broken and the contents freed. Being swept away by the waves of sensation, John gasped for air as if he were choking. His whole body shook, no longer able to support himself as his knees buckled.

 

In the end, John fell to the floor, unable to overcome the surging emotions. A strong force struck the exhausted body, just before his collapsing body collided with the floor. A faint scent caught through the tip of John’s nose, resembling a black darkness that absorbed light. It was the smell of death that marked the end of his teenage years.

 

“…Let go of me.”

 

As if resembling the sea, the bright blue eyes headed for John. At that moment, John felt anger, frustration, love, and fear overwhelm him. In the end, his dangerously strained nerves snapped like a broken rubber band.

 

Everything went round and round, then soon turned into darkness.

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