Chapter 136: 2.36 Confession

Faragi

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We ate our dinner in complete silence as the darkness of night covered the world around us. The flame in the air above us would generally have me feeling cozy, but right now, I was feeling nothing but doubt as I very slowly worked my way through my apple. Cellestra, in the meantime, had already finished her dinner and emptied the last bit of water from her canteen out onto the grass.

“You mind refilling this?”

I wasn’t even sure what she asked. I was too lost in thought.

“Kealyna?” Cellestra asked with a frown while showing the canteen before her.

“Huh? Oh, sorry.”

I reached out for the container and filled it with water, as cold as I could make it, before handing it back to Cellestra. She drank a bit before her eyes were redirected to my elven head. I was looking down at the grass with mine while still working on the same apple so I would not have noticed it if it wasn’t for my other eyes.

“Are you worried again?” Cellestra asked. “You should really stop doing that, you know?”

I tossed the remainder of the apple away. I was never hungry in the first place, but I just couldn’t finish it.

“Cellestra,” I said the elf’s name quietly before taking a deep breath to let out the heaviest sigh of my life.

“Hmm?” The purple-eyed elf let out. “What’s up?”

I raised my head to look into her eyes. It had never been so difficult before, but I had resolved I would do it like this.

“I don’t know how to say it. This has bothered me for quite some time as it is.”

Cellestra remained quiet. I imagined it was of my dead-serious expression and the effort it took for me to talk. I thought I saw worry appear in her eyes, so I decided to speed up things as much as I could.

“I don’t know how to say it. I never had to say anything like this before. The truth is… I think I like you… as something more than a friend.”

There. I’d said it, albeit barely. My voice was shaking, and awfully soft, like never before. Immediately after, I lowered my head to look at the grass before my chelicerae. I didn’t want her to see the confusion, the fear, the anxiety, and everything else on my face, that I was sure was evident.

The silence that followed only made things worse. In the sea of emotions currently racing through my head, I could feel a glimmer of hope somewhere tucked in the back. I was praying that Cellestra wouldn’t be appalled by this confession coming from what some would consider a monster.

“Kealyna...” Cellestra’s soft voice pulled my attention from my own mind.

In the following moments, she stood up, walked over to me, and took me into a hug, confusing me even further.

“I can see that was hard for you,” She said softly.

I didn’t know what was going on. Her actions took me completely by surprise. I couldn’t control my emotions much longer as I already felt a tear run down my face.

Cellestra patted my back with her hands softly while hugging me. “I don’t know how to react to that. It just seemed you needed that hug.”

“Thanks...” I let out meekly while I allowed the warmth of the hug to battle against everything else I was feeling at the moment.

We remained like that for a good while, in which I eventually managed to get control back and stop my eyes from shedding a tear every now and then. I still had no idea why that happened, but I wasn’t going to hypothesize on that.

“I don’t know what to say,” Cellestra whispered. “I think I’m as confused as you are.”

I nodded slowly while hugging the elf back.

“More than a friend...” She murmured. “You mean like love?”

I nodded before speaking with a mere whisper again. “Yes.”

“By the goddess, Kealyna. How did that happen? I’m sorry for asking, I just… I don’t know anything about love myself.”

From her voice, I could tell that the question was genuine.

“I don’t know, and I don’t know either,” I replied to her question and statement. “I just know that when I’m with you, I’m… I don’t know. I feel happy. I like talking to you, and I never liked talking before. Does that even make sense?”

I had a hard time finding the words I wanted to say, to express what I was feeling, but I told her what I thought to be the truth.

“It does,” Cellestra replied.

“I know little about love,” I continued. “The only time I felt anything that came close to this was what feels like ages ago. Anything else that I know is from books, and that is only very, very little.”

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“I understand.” She paused for a few seconds. “Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t know. Are you?”

“I’m okay,” Cellestra assured me. “I still don’t know what to say, though...”

I couldn’t blame her for that. Of all the scenarios that could happen, this was probably one of the better ones. At the very least, she didn’t run away or start crying, or anything else like that.

“I don’t know if I feel the same,” The elf admitted. “I don’t know. I mean, I like you. We’re good friends, but love? I don’t know how that works.”

I still hugged her and ran my hands over her back while my nose was in her hair.

“Could you explain what you feel?” Cellestra asked softly.

“I don’t know. I just know that I’ve wanted to hug you like this for a long time. I know that I want to see you smile as often as possible. Whenever I look at you when you smile, I can feel my heart melt.”

“That’s… I don’t know. I never realized. I guess I should be… flattered? Honored?”

I felt my face flush red and warm at her words. I didn’t know what to say for a good minute before I found words again.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to be honest and tell you about this. I finally got the courage to tell you just now,” I said again, quietly. “I’ve been worried sick over how you’d react.”

“Is it anything like you’ve been expecting?” Cellestra asked, patting my back again.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting the hug.” For the first time after telling her, I managed to smile slightly in the form of a suppressed chuckle.

“That’s okay. It’s the least I can do.”

“How do you feel?” I asked.

“Surprised, to be honest. I had no idea you felt that way about me. I don’t know what to do or say...”

“Are you not… how to put this…” I started.

“Disgusted?” Cellestra suggested, causing me to nod weakly. “No, I’m not. I just don’t know how any of this works. I don’t know if I can say I love you, but I certainly like doing things and talking with you,” She continued. “Is that an answer you’re okay with? I mean, I haven’t known you for long. I mean… the way you are now.”

“That’s okay,” I said softly. “I understand. I can imagine it’s hard to feel anything for a spider.”

“How long have you felt this way?” Cellestra asked immediately after.

“I don’t even know. I was confused about it at first, but I think I’ve felt love for you for a long time now, certainly long before I was... This. When I woke up with this body, I… I couldn’t be happier...”

“By the goddess. I cannot imagine how you must have felt. Feeling like that…” Cellestra shook her head. “That must have been hell.”

I nodded, my head still on her shoulder. “It was...”

I kept holding on to the elf, my hands holding her back as I felt my heart beating rapidly in my chest.

“I'm enjoying this hug, but beyond that, I don't know what I want. I don't know how we go from here, do you?”

“You think I have the slightest idea?” I said, half-jokingly, shaking my head.

“I don’t think you do,” Cellestra replied, a hint of a suppressed laugh in her voice. “We both suck at this, don’t we?”

I chuckled lightly. “We sure do.”

Silence then fell over us once more as we remained in a hug. Slowly but surely, I felt a sense of quiet returning to my head… both heads. Time passed by, and eventually, I was the first one to speak again.

“I think maybe it’s a good idea to go to sleep for now. We can talk about this more tomorrow if you’d like.”

Cellestra slowly nodded. “I think that’s a good idea. My mind is a mess right now.”

“Same here,” I said with a slight chuckle. “And I have two.”

Cellestra grinned softly before finally breaking the hug. “As much as I’d like to hug you, I am afraid I need to be excused for a few minutes.”

I smiled as Cellestra took her backpack and walked off, her flame leading the way.

At least I could be happy with myself. This didn’t go nearly as bad as I had expected. Maybe the elf was right in that I did worry too much.

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