Chapter 60: Chapter 58 – Wilted flower

- POV Kali -

 

I was running. All I was doing was running. Second after second, minute after minute...I was running. Through the unmeasurable trees, through the blinding night and the oppressive forest, I was running with fear in my heart. In front of me, a young tiger, barely one meter tall, was leading the way and I was running until I lost my breath. I was scared. I was terrified of the situation, my legs were moving on their own but my mind was not following.

 

When Loki had appeared fifteen minutes ago, alone, panicked, his fur covered in blood and his eyes full of fear, I had known. Hestia and Edward had been gone too long, while distant, ominous sounds had reached me, sending me into a terrible anxiety. It wasn't long before Joe and I were heading into the unknown forest, knowing that something bad had happened. But what was it ? 

 

My heart was pounding and yet I didn't feel completely alive, as if everything had been frozen in time when Loki had appeared. Every beat made my chest hurt and the sensation of falling kept repeating itself over and over again as I continued my frantic run. Where were we going ? What had happened ? My whole body was shaking and yet I found the strength to hold back the tears that were slowly rising. 

 

My lynx, whom I had called Hino, was running beside me, having decided to follow me without a word, as if she was watching over me. Hearing the sound of her footsteps reassured me a little and her breathing also calmed me but...it was not enough. Mine was jerky, my lungs were aching. Was it the lack of air ? Forcing myself to match her breath without success, I continued. Faster and faster. Further and further even though it hurt so much. 

 

[H-Hestia...]

 

My brain could only formulate this one name and nothing else. As the anguish gnawed at my insides, I saw her face in my mind as I sped up. I didn't know if Joe was following me or where we were, absolutely everything looked the same, it was pitch black and the darkness was slowly engulfing me. I didn't care. All I cared about was following Loki to get me to where Hestia and Edward needed our help. 

 

How long had I been running ? It was impossible to tell, as my mind had abandoned all sense of time and was immersed in a thousand thoughts. I didn't know anything about the situation, and that ignorance was killing me. This paranoia, this excessive thinking leading me everywhere and nowhere at the same time while my body was struggling was unbearable and suffocating. It had to stop if I didn't want to break, so I had to be strong. 

 

Holding my torch firmly, shaking my head to chase away this growing anxiety, I forced myself to concentrate. Very quickly a faint yellow and orange glow appeared in the distance, which seemed to belong to flames crackling in the middle of the trees. This was it, I was sure. I accelerated. The further I went, the more a smell of blood came to my throat as I saw the place approaching but I could hear absolutely nothing. 

 

My highly developed hearing did not pick up a single sound as if there was nothing left and it was terrifying, my heart being ready to stop at any moment. And then finally, Loki stopped where the path went down to form a small clearing below...that was where he wanted to lead us. At that moment I froze. As Joe came to my side I could not speak or move as the sight was beyond what I could have even imagined.

 

Dying flames all around and everywhere were crackling softly illuminating very dimly what seemed to be a tragedy. Blood...blood everywhere. There were what appeared to be scattered bones of a scarlet color, as if a tornado with blood rain had passed. The atmosphere smelled of burning, smelled of ashes and I couldn't suppress a gag at this sight straight out of a nightmare or another world.

 

[W-Where are they ? I don't see them. Were they burned to a crisp ? W-What happened ? Please...I-...I need one sign, something, someone, anything]

 

My senses were disturbed, my heart kept pounding as my eyes scanned the scene below in hopes of catching a glimpse of them. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm myself, not knowing that what I was about to discover would hurt so much. Concentration. Closing my eyes, I concentrated until I heard two faint but distinct breaths, standing out very slightly from the other sounds.

 

"Kali, there !"

 

Just as I opened my eyes, Joe who had appeared at my side was pointing to the west of the clearing as well as the north at the very back. Loki and Hino had already descended while I could see the bodies of two beasts looming a little further away. They were huge and although one was smaller than the other, they lay there with the marks of a merciless fight to the death on their bodies. To death ? No, impossible. 

 

Without waiting a moment more, I followed Loki who was heading north and Joe followed Hino who was running west. As I was going through this pool of blood, fire, bones and ashes, I could feel my legs failing me little by little. And for good reason, I could make out more and more a motionless body, lying bloody near a second little ball of white hair that had turned red...it was Hestia and Azeil.

 

[P-Please...no...]

 

Anything but that. The pain in my lungs and the burning sensation in my throat only intensified as I finally reached their side to fall to my knees. My limbs began to shake more and more and hot flashes came over me along with dizziness. What had happened ? She was lying there with her eyes closed and her arms by her side in a state that seemed serious. 

 

Her beautiful golden hair was no longer glistening but was a brownish red from the blood, her clothes had been burned and torn in several places revealing her skin. Pieces of bone had congealed inside, bruises had appeared and in the ribs the bones had been pulled in. Hestia was cold, she was pale, and even though she was still breathing shallowly, I was giving myself over completely to my own demons, sinking even further.

 

The more my eyes glided over her motionless body, the more my breathing became jerky. I was suffocating. My chest was aching, I felt like I was being crushed by a weight, totally compressed, unable to inhale and exhale. Breathe in ! I couldn't. Move ! I couldn't. I was shivering. Nausea was rising. My heart ached, so much so that the tears didn't run down my face, my mind opting for the impending faint. 

 

I was numb, dizziness blurred my vision as this suffocating feeling persisted. It was unreal. I was losing control. I was going crazy. I had to help her, I had to move but I was trapped in my own body and mind. My world was falling apart and I was powerless as always. Suddenly, as I wobbled forward, my face did not meet the cold wet ground but something warm and soft.

 

"..."

 

It was Hino. She didn't make any noise, she was just standing there against me supporting my head which was on her left side. The steady beat of her heart reached my ears, clear, loud and muffled. Thump-thump, thump-thump. The seconds passed and as I calmed my breathing to them, I was able to calm down a little bit. I didn't know what to do, I felt useless but I had to act while I still had the power. 

 

"T-Thank you."

 

Straightening up slowly still shaking, I thanked my lynx while ignoring this psychological confinement I had put myself in. Like Joe, I had brought a bag with healing supplies with me and while he had to take care of Edward, I was taking care of Hestia. I didn't know how to get back to camp yet, but with my simple torch and the flames around me, I got to work. 

 

___________

 

More than half an hour later, despite the fatigue that took me as I fought my own feelings and concentrated, I was done. Everything had been removed, all the bones, I had managed to put bandages on her body, stop the bleeding and immobilize her ribs with pieces of wood. Azeil didn't need anything, sleeping peacefully by her side while I was still looking sadly at the one I loved, as if forever frozen.

 

[D-Don't leave me, I beg you]

 

My hands had not stopped shaking, covered in blood and still remembering the cold skin they had touched not long ago. Occupying myself had kept my thoughts away but now that feeling of guilt was coming back to hit me right in my soul. I was doing my best to hold back the tears that still hadn't flowed but as I stood still in the middle of the massacre, one sentence kept looping around. 

 

"I-...I should have been there..."

 

I didn't feel like I was having a panic attack anymore, but the first thing I was dreading the most was taking over...myself. These thoughts that I couldn't stop, overwhelmed me and drowned me in a sea of fears. No matter how much I pushed them away, they kept coming back, fed by the low self-esteem and the little confidence I had in such situations.

 

[Why didn't you insist on coming with them ? Why do you always have to show up when it's already too late ?" Y-Yet I am stronger. "Are you ? Are you really or are you just clinging to this stupid, comforting illusion ?" No I-...I've been practicing, I know I could have helped. "Then you should indeed have been there" I should have...I-...]

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I was just a wilted flower to the beautiful sunshine that was my Captain. The woman I loved but could never protect. I was not worthy. I had never been worthy. A wilted flower, fragile, strong in appearance but blowing away at the slightest gust of wind. A wilted flower far from the golden sun. But if I couldn't be by her side like the pure silver rose that was Katherine, I had to be sure that her rays still shone brightly. 

 

[But even that you can't do it...]

 

I was lonely. Kneeling in the forest so far from home, I tried to keep my wits about me, but it was happening again and again. Why could I never make  the difference ? Why was it so hard ? Why was I so helpless ? Why was I so useless ? Why ? Why ? WHY ? Yes. I should have been there. And as I sank deeper and deeper, a hand came to rest on my shoulder, followed by a warm and gentle voice.

 

"It's okay, Kali. You couldn't have foreseen this and you are absolutely not to blame. Should you have been there ? Then so am I...and Lucas as well as Mysie. They are strong, trust them as we trust you even if you don't always trust yourself."

 

Joe was there and his words felt like a breath of fresh air, my heart suddenly lighter missing a beat of relief. His hand was warm, reassuring, and what I had been holding back until now was finally happening beyond my control. Hot tears started to flow down my face in large streams. I was crying for everything and nothing at the same time and as I looked up at my friend I asked the question that haunted me. 

 

"I-...I'm lost. J-Joe...what...what should I do ?"

 

I didn't even know why I was asking this. Was it about Hestia ? About me or about the situation ? I didn't know. I wanted to be reassured. After all, wasn't that how the weakest people functioned ? My vision was all blurred, the night and the fire mixing together creating an optical illusion filled with tears. My vision was blurred but as Joe answered, I could still see the caring smile he offered me.

 

"What would a Quartermaster have done ? What would a friend do ? What do...you want to do, Kali ?"

 

_______

 

Three days had passed since the incident that had affected me more deeply than I thought. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened in that time, with the crew under my command remaining where we had settled. Edward, with a broken arm and countless injuries, had woken up after two days. His body had to recover the energy expended and speed up the healing process. 

 

Through his testimony and the work of Lucas, Joe, Buggy and Doggy, we had discovered that the two jaguars they had fought that night were like Kings of the forest. All the creatures were running away from them or were being exterminated, explaining the total absence of living beings. However, barely 24 hours after their death, everything had changed, the species resurfacing bringing with them a much more equal ecosystem. 

 

So, without the threat of these two beasts we had found a river for water and their meat was more than enough to feed us. Without knowing it, Hestia and Edward had stumbled upon the most powerful creatures in the forest but had also freed the place from their evil curse. Azeil had woken up after a few hours in full health, so that left only one who had to open her eyes...our Captain.

 

Once we arrived at the camp in the early morning of that fateful night, Lucas had taken care of her with attention, finishing the first treatments that I had administered. Today, she was lying on the grass near the campfire, the earth a source of natural energy that could help with healing. Just like the last time, her body was healing at an incredible speed but at the cost of a deep sleep that seemed to be able to last we didn’t know how long. 

 

Lucas' amateur diagnosis had been almost definitive, Hestia had broken her ribs resulting in internal bleeding, had several bruises, pulled muscles, new scars and near zero energy. Today she was out of danger and although she naturally healed faster than any of us, she was still the one who got hurt the most.

 

"W-Why are you making that face~?"

 

Everyone was busy, and as I prepared hot water to dress her wounds by the campfire, her voice suddenly rang in my ears. Was it a hallucination ? Katherine and I had been taking care of her for three days, maybe I was going crazy. Turning my head slowly, my eyes finally fell on the beautiful, slightly straightened blonde woman who was staring at me with the sly smile I knew so well. 

 

"H-Hestia..."

 

Dropping the pot in my hand without even paying attention, I instinctively rushed to the small straw bed laid on the grass. Falling to my knees, I didn't know what to do or what to say, simply reassured, happy and grateful that Hestia had woken up. Again the tears were starting to come when suddenly she pulled me to her before wrapping her arms around me in a warm embrace.

 

"Thank you."

 

[Huh ?]

 

Hestia didn't answer. I could feel and hear her heart beating, her chest drooping and heaving as I stood there motionless. Why was she thanking me ? I should be thanking her, not the other way around. I couldn't think anymore, my own heart was racing as a feeling of extreme happiness took over me. Maybe I didn't deserve it but it felt so good, so soothing...I felt protected and loved.

 

"Thank you for taking care of me, Kali."

 

Hestia's words seemed so surreal but they felt so, so good. I could hear the others coming in the distance but I wanted to enjoy this moment alone. Raising my arms and shaking gently, I slowly put my hands around her waist. At that moment, the tears started to roll down my cheeks again as I could hear myself crying like a baby, unable to hide what I was feeling.

 

"I-...I thought you were never going to wake up. I tried...but...I-...I thought it was my fault. H-Hestia you...your injuries...I panicked...I-..."

 

"There, there~ I'm here now so don't cry. I know you were scared and I'm sorry, so please don't cry. Or if you do cry...at least give me one of your most beautiful smiles, can you do that for me~?"

 

Hestia gently patted my head which soothed me and her words were magical as they made all the fears that had been eating me fly away. Nodding gently, I stepped back to look into her eyes as she smiled tenderly at me. Seeing this, I couldn't help but smile back as I wiped my tears away with the back of my sleeve unprepared for her next words.  

 

"I knew it...you are such a gorgeous flower when you smile~"

 

The woman I loved had spoken her words while wiping the tears from my right cheek gently with her finger. The others were already arriving and the next moment she was taken over by them but I was still frozen. My heart was beating so fast, I could feel my face heating up and turning red as I etched in my memory that radiant smile that she rarely offered. Was I in a dream ? A gorgeous flower ? Me ? Did I have the right to think so ?

 

Once again, that dazzling, powerful, strong, blindingly golden sun had lit up my heart, which was now so warm and happy. This was my place. At her side. It didn't matter what my role was, as long as I could be by her side I would be able to handle anything. Rising slowly, I looked at the picture in front of me. My Captain was here, surrounded by the people who loved her and cared about her, smiling, carefree and sincere as I whispered to myself.

 

“Hestia…I love you”

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