Chapter 12: Chapter 12: Trust

-Chapter 12: Trust-

She took a deep breath. Anna looked shaken, her nerves clearly unsteady;

"I've never talked to anyone about this before… God… I don't even know where to start…"

I almost asked her if she was sure about this, but I stopped myself. She'd made her decision, and I wouldn't disrespect that by second guessing her. So, I chose to offer reassurance instead;

"It's okay. Take your time."

Anna nodded, taking another deep breath, letting out a slow drawn out sigh. She waited a moment, clearly in thought. Her breathing finally steadied, and she turned to me.

"How much do you remember about my family?"

I thought for a moment, trying to recall our surprisingly infrequent interactions.

"Not much, honestly. We never really spoke much, and you didn't ever tell me a lot about them. I remember when I'd go to your house, I'd see them sometimes. Your mom was nice to me, but we never talked. Your dad was respectful, but he always seemed kinda wary of me. I don't think I ever met your oldest brother, and your other brother just sort of ignored me. I remember seeing your sister sometimes, and her being pretty shy."

"Yeah… that sounds about right…"

Anna was quiet for a moment, so I asked,

"Why…? What happened with your family…?"

Anna took another deep breath;

"I told them I was a lesbian."

I stared at her for a second, blinking a couple times.

"Anna, I didn't…! I didn't know that-"

"Yeah. I never told you. I never told anyone. Because I told them."

Suddenly, I realized what that meant.

"Oh god… what did they…?"

"I should start earlier. I'd had feelings for a while. Probably since I was 16 or so. I remember other girls talking about boys and which celebrities they thought were handsome, and I'd just kinda nod along. Meanwhile, I couldn't stop thinking about girls. Cute girls, and pretty girls, and tall girls, and short girls, and girls of all shapes. I'd feel so awkward around cute shy girls, and so uncomfortable in gym class and the locker rooms."

She stopped for a moment, looking off wistfully, smiling wryly;

"Heh… I remember reading a bunch of shitty lesbian fan fictions and getting way too into them, and being enthralled every time I'd see two girls kiss on TV or in a movie. I kept assuring myself it was a phase. Like, 'yeah, these feelings that eat at me every single day are totally something I'll just outgrow.' Fuck. I remember when Em and Kelly started to flirt with each other, I'd get so jealous it hurt. By our senior year, I couldn't deny it anymore. This was who I was. I tried so many times to be into guys, and it never worked. It wasn't me…"

With a sigh, she went on…

"So, by March of that year, I decided I'd bite the bullet. I'd never said a word to anyone because I didn't know how my family would react. I was never particularly  close with any of them, and their views toward social issues always leaned very… conservative. If I came home with a girlfriend, what would they do? If I tried to have a relationship in secret, well… I figured that'd only end worse. But… I assumed my parents loved me. They'd always said so. They weren't very warm, and I never got much attention, but they said they loved me… 

My dad ran the house. Everything went through him. He made the decisions, and if he didn't approve of something, it wasn't happening. I'd always hated that dynamic, but… that was just the way things were. He wasn't the type to be challenged. So, I was scared. I wasn't optimistic, but I'd assumed everyone would eventually accept me, even if they didn't at first. I wasn't expecting them to at first, honestly.

I remember, it was a Friday night. I'd wanted to tell them on a Friday so that I could use the rest of the weekend to pull myself together if it went badly. My parents were in the living room. It took me four tries to leave my room. I kept getting too scared when I'd go to tell them, and I'd turn back. After about an hour of trying, I finally worked up the nerve to do it…

When I walked into the room, my dad was in the recliner sipping a beer and watching the news, and my mom was on the sofa reading a book. I remember standing there for a while before I got his attention and asked to talk. He turned down the volume on the TV and told me to speak. So, I said what I'd wanted to for years by that point. I told him that I liked girls, and that I had for a long time, and that I thought I was a lesbian. He looked at me for a second, shook his head, and laughed. He said, 'No, you're not,' and turned the volume back up.

I looked at him and pleaded, saying I was serious, but he ignored me. I turned to my mom, looking for help, but she just stared at me with this expression of horror on her face. Fuck, the way she looked at me, you would have thought I'd had a bomb strapped to me or something. She didn't say a word. Just got up and walked out of the room as fast as she could. So I kept trying to talk to my dad, but he wouldn't acknowledge anything I said. He just sat there with this stiff look on his face.

I started begging him to listen, and then he finally responded. I can't forget his reaction, no matter how badly I want to. He grabbed the beer bottle and threw it at my head and screamed, 'I don't remember raising a fucking dyke!' And I didn't get out of the way in time, and the bottle hit me in the head and fell onto the carpet. My head hurt so much, and I stumbled for a second. I… I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, and I thought he might try to kill me, so I ran, and I… I… Fuck…!"

Her voice cracked, and I reached over and grabbed Anna's hand as fast as I could, holding tightly.

"Hey! It's okay! I'm right here!"

She looked at me and smiled, batting tears away with her eyelashes.

"Thank you… I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. We can stop if this is too much. It's okay."

"No, I'm alright now. I can keep going."

So, I nodded, letting go of her hand and sitting back, pulling my legs up onto the couch and hugging my knees as she continued;

"I sprinted to my room and locked the door, jumped onto my bed and pulled the covers over my head, as if that would somehow protect me… My dad came up after me, and started banging on the door, telling me to come out. I just covered my ears and prayed he'd go away. Eventually, he gave up, and said something along the lines of, 'Fine! Stay in there, and don't come out until you're normal!' Then, when that wasn't enough, he left and came back with a chair, and he wedged it under the door handle so I couldn't pull it open. I didn't get out of bed for the rest of the night. I just laid there and cried for a long, long time…

When I woke up the next day, the chair was still holding the door shut. I didn't know if I'd be able to eat, or if they'd let me out. I'd thought about jumping out the window, but I didn't want to fall from the second story. A couple times, I called out for help, but no one came. I mostly just laid in bed. Around sunset, someone finally moved the chair, so I went downstairs and grabbed some food and water. No one said a word to me when I came down, and I went back to my room as soon as I could. I really didn't want to see any of them.

Sunday, I spent a few hours in front of the mirror, practicing smiling. I wanted to look normal when I got back to school. I couldn't bear the thought of telling anyone what happened. I didn't want people to worry, and I… I didn't want to tell anyone I was gay. That part of myself had brought me nothing but pain, and everything that happened that weekend happened because of it. I didn't want to think about it, or own it, or live with it. I knew I couldn't change how I felt; I'd tried and failed plenty of times before. So I just wanted to forget my feelings. I wanted to avoid them, and drop all the baggage they carried with them. I know you guys would have accepted me, but that wasn't the problem. I couldn't accept myself, and what had happened to me, and I couldn't let anyone see. I wanted to keep being the cheerful, outgoing girl that made everyone smile. I was afraid that if I stopped being that girl, people would cast me aside. The way I felt when I made other people happy… that was one of the only things I had going for me, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to end up alone.

Come Monday, I tried to cover up the bruise on my temple, and I kept trying to smile as I drove to school, so I wouldn't start crying. I got there a little late, so I didn't see you at first. During my first period, I kept my act up, and nobody seemed to notice anything was wrong. But the moment- the moment you saw me, I knew the jig was up. I saw the look on your face when you looked at me and my heart sank. I tried so hard to act normal, but the first chance you got, you pulled me aside and asked if I was okay. And I wanted to tell you. I should have just told you, but… I was scared. I didn't want you to see me like that. 

I told myself you had enough problems to deal with without taking on mine. I convinced myself I needed to be the happy, cheerful girl you knew. And I… I knew you wouldn't, but… I think my dad fucked me up so badly, I was worried that if I told you, you'd abandon me, too… I knew you wouldn't, but goddamn it, I was so, so scared! I didn't want you to see me in pain, and I didn't want to scare you, and I didn't want to drive you away, so I lied. You knew I was lying, and kept trying to help, and I kept pushing you away. And I kept trying to act normally, and you were the only one that saw through it, and I kept pushing you away, over, and over, and over… until you finally backed down. I was so shitty to you, and… I… I hate what I did to you, and… I just…"

"Anna, it wasn't your fault!"

Anna turned to me, surprised,

"But, I should have just been honest…"

"None of what happened to you was your fault! What they did to you was so awful, and unfair, and wrong, and… Oh my god, Anna, I…!"

I couldn't hold myself back. I stood up and rushed to her, putting my arms around her;

"I'm sorry…! I'm so, so sorry, Anna…!"

She quietly returned my embrace, 

"Sophie…"

"No one deserves to go through something like that! And you…! You're the kindest, sweetest person I know! And the fact that your family treated you like that…! It's just…! Jesus Christ…! I'm sorry…"

"... Thank you…" she whispered, burying her face in my shoulder.

We sat there for a while, quietly holding each other. After a few moments, I asked as softly as my voice would allow;

"Are you okay…?"

"Yeah… Thank you…"

So, I sat myself back on the couch. We were both quiet for a bit, sipping the tea she'd brewed us in silence. The storm outside had calmed a little, the thunder sounding farther off and less frequent. After a moment, Anna took another deep breath and went on.

"Things at home didn't really get much better. My dad only ever told me what to do if he needed something from me. Other than that, he showed me nothing but open contempt. My mom didn't speak to me any more than was strictly necessary. My oldest brother, Adam, was deployed to Afghanistan at the time. When he heard about me, he said he was sorry to hear it, and that he'd pray for me. My other older brother, Kyle, disowned me the moment he found out. All I ever got from him was the occasional glare, and maybe a slur thrown my way if he thought no one was around. If I ever left any of my stuff around the house, he'd smash it, or throw it away, and nobody gave a shit. My little sister, Madeline, was the only one who didn't treat me like a piece of trash. 

She was only 13 back then, and she was terrified of our dad. I can't blame her. The Monday after everything went down, she snuck into my room crying, and gave me a hug. She said she was so sorry for everything that happened, and that I was still her big sister, no matter what. We talked for a while, and, honestly, she saved me. She was my only source of comfort in that god forsaken house. I don't know what I would have done without her. Probably run away, or…

I… I don't remember the first time I thought about it, but it wasn't long after that weekend that I started wanting to kill myself. Waking up every morning, trapped in a house with people who despised my guts… I couldn't take it. I didn't want to live like that anymore. I can't remember how many nights I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. It felt so awful, but I wanted it so badly… To just be done with it all… I never went so far as attempting suicide, but… I came close. A few times…

But I couldn't. There were people I still wanted to be with. You, and some of our friends, and Madeline. You guys were the only thing that kept me going. That and… spite. If I died, I'd be letting my fucked up family win. They could just throw me in a ditch, and forget all about me, and I wouldn't let them. I wouldn't give my dad the fucking satisfaction of burying his 'defective' daughter! I mean, I was just one of four kids, they didn't need me! And I know that for certain, because he fucking told me so, himself! So, I couldn't die; I was gonna beat that self righteous, 'god fearing,' piece of shit, and his spineless, coward wife, and his above-it-all 'patriot' boy, and his spoiled, vile, little prick of a son if it was the last thing I did!"

By that point, Anna had worked herself into a rage. I don't blame her, but it still frightened me. When she looked over and saw my probably scared expression, she tried to calm down.

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"Sorry… I shouldn't get so worked up…"

"It's okay. You have every right to be angry."

"Yeah… But you shouldn't have to see that… and it's all in the past. Getting pissed now doesn't accomplish anything."

"Really, it's okay. I'm still here to listen."

"Yeah… Okay…"

Anna sighed, and tried to recollect herself.

"So… with all that in mind, I gritted my teeth and endured it. I busted my ass getting a full ride scholarship at any out of state college I could, and was ready to get the fuck away from that hellhole the second I got the chance. In the months before I left, I did my best to ignore my shitty parents and brother, and focused on the things that made me happy. I hung out with you and our friends as often as I could, and every few days, Maddy would sneak into my room to talk with me a little bit. You guys were the only things keeping me sane back then. I kept up the cheery act as best I could, and I think you were the only person who saw through it. I kept my grades up, and got through school. And, hey, guess who didn't come to my fucking graduation!"

Anna gritted her teeth, and then stopped herself.

"Sorry, I'm getting pissy again…"

"It's fine. Fuck, I remember you being so busy running around congratulating everyone that I didn't even notice they weren't there…"

"Yeah. I made sure nobody saw me get there or leave by myself."

"Oh my god…"

Anna shrugged,

"I was kinda used to it by then, as fucked up as that is. That summer, I spent as much time away from the house as I possibly could. I remember spending a lot of days and nights at your place."

"Yeah… I was having a good time, and you were miserable…"

"Hey now, that's not true! I've told you being around you was good for me, and I really do mean that. You were one of the only people who could help actually forget all the bullshit. Whenever we were together, I felt like the cloud of awfulness that always hung over me was just… gone. Honestly, I think you're the only person who's ever had that effect on me."

"I…" I began to speak, but had to rally myself before I could go on, "I never said anything before, but I felt the same way when I was around you…"

Anna smiled and gently pat me on the shoulder;

"See? You've got nothing to worry about!"

Here I was, trying to be her emotional support, and she was the one encouraging me. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes.

"So," she continued on, "Even though my situation at home was a nightmare, I really did enjoy myself for most of the summer. There… were some rough moments. I got into a few fights with my parents, and I spent a couple nights sleeping in my car because I didn't want to come home…"

"Jesus…"

Anna just quietly shook her head,

"It's fine. I got through it. And once late August rolled around, I left that awful house and never went back. I would have cut contact completely, but I wanted to keep in touch with Madeline. She was always so kind to me, and I couldn't bear the thought of cutting her off. Honestly, I felt guilty for leaving her behind, but at the very least, our parents don't hate her. We've kept in touch these last few years, and I've tried to be there for her, even if I haven't been the big sister she deserves. Now that she's old enough to drive, we've met up a couple times, and I'm planning on going to her graduation next year, even though the rest of the family's gonna be there…"

Anna took a sip of tea and shifted in her seat before continuing;

"In college, I had… I had a lot on my mind. The pain my family caused me didn't go away, and I… I didn't know what to do with it. I thought that if I got away from my parents I'd finally feel better, but I didn't, and I couldn't understand why. I just… I just wanted to feel normal. I did alright in my studies, joined a few clubs, and made some friends, but it never stopped hurting. All I could think to do was focus on the things right in front of me, but that only helped so much.

I… I hated being me. I hated myself for the things I couldn't change, and for constantly failing to live up to my own standards. Eventually, I stopped caring about what I ate, or what I did, or how I looked. I just went through life one day at a time. And I had nowhere to point all that hatred I had for myself. I hated that I was gay, but I couldn't change that. And I started thinking to myself, 'If I'd just been born a boy, none of this would have happened.' I could have just lived a healthy, normal life. My family wouldn't have tormented me. I could have been comfortable dating. I could have felt normal.

But… I didn't really want to be a guy, either. I didn't think I was trans. I didn't feel gender dysphoria. I was just ambivalent about it. I didn't care about my gender, or my body. I just… I wanted to be someone else. I hated myself so much, I just wanted to disappear and start life over as someone else. And, I remember… I remember when the first cases of sexual inversion syndrome popped up in the news. Back then, I… I wished it could happen to me. If it did, I could really become someone else. I could stop being the shitty person I hated, and just start a new life.

It was stupid. I know that's not how it works. I know it wouldn't make my trauma go away. Just being in a different body wouldn't make my family love me, or fix my fucked up life. Hell, I think I knew that back then, even though I wouldn't admit it to myself. But, I didn't have anything else to cling to. I didn't know what to do. I was too scared to confront my past, and it was like starting over would somehow make it so I'd never have to. But… that foolish hope of mine never played out. So, I just kept on hating myself, crawling through life, and trying not to think about my sexuality and all the pain it had caused me.

I went on like that for years. I graduated and got my job at the elementary school library. I smiled the fake smile I'd practiced so much over the years, and paid my rent, and kept all my pain bundled up inside myself. And I was sick of it. I'd been hurting, and hating myself for years, and I was fucking sick of it. I'd tried therapy, but I could never open up enough to get anything out of it. I couldn't trust anyone with my feelings, so I kept on hurting alone, and it was driving me insane…

Then… something happened. It was something so small, and insignificant. I came home one day, and saw my roommate all dressed up. She was wearing this really pretty dress, and had done her makeup, and she looked so elegant. And so I asked her what the occasion was, and she told me there wasn't one. She was just gonna go read some at the library, do some grocery shopping, and grab lunch on the way home, and that she just dressed nicely because she felt like it. And, for some reason, that got to me. She looked so beautiful, and confident, and radiant just because she wanted to. Why couldn't I do that?

So, the next day, I said fuck it, and followed her example. I put on one of the only dresses I owned, and did up my hair and makeup, and went out to just run some errands. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I felt… good. So, I decided to lean into it. I bought myself some nicer clothes, and decided to try growing my hair out, and I started dressing in a more feminine way. And it felt great. I actually felt confident. I actually felt good about myself. And I realized; I love being a woman. There's so much more to being a woman than just the way you dress, but that was the one thing that finally helped me realize it.

And what's more, I liked women. I liked that I liked women. For the first time in my whole life, I was actually comfortable with my sexuality. Women are amazing, and I love them, and I'm so glad I get to be one! And that; finally being able to like something about myself, started to make me think. If I enjoyed being a woman so much, why had I thought about being a man? Why had I resented being a lesbian for so long, when it was finally bringing me joy? I thought about that stuff for a long time, and I came to some realizations.

I never wanted to be a guy, I just wanted my family to accept me. But, I hated them. I didn't want the approval of such shitty, cruel, awful people. I just wanted a normal life, with a normal family. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted to go back to being the person I was when we first met; that happy, outgoing, naive girl who made everyone happy. That girl, who I loved being so much, went away the day I came out to my parents. I hated that I wasn't her. I wanted to be her again. I wanted it more than anything, and I was willing to throw away any part of myself to be her. If I could be my old self, I could be happy.

But, that was wrong. The old me was gone, and she was never coming back. But… I realized that's okay. I don't have to be her. I could just be myself. I could be happy, confident, and beautiful on my own, without chasing some idealized version of my past self. I could finally lay the old me to rest. I didn't have to be her to be happy and healthy; I could do those things on my own. I'd been trying to be 'normal,' but I've never been 'normal.' I was happiest when I could just be myself, and the only thing stopping me from being myself was myself. I don't want to be 'normal,' like my dad wanted! I want to be my weird, loud, outgoing, gay-ass self! And I could. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to get there, but I could just be myself. When I finally realized that, it still took a while for me to fully embrace it, but once I did, I was truly happy. For the first time in years, I was happy! Maybe even happier than I had been when I was a teenager.

And, that newfound clarity and happiness sort of put my life into perspective. I took the job I did because it was available and it paid the bills, but that was all. I'd just been going through life without any plan, and I could finally pick a direction for myself. I thought I could study psychology. It could help me better understand what I had been going through, and I thought I could maybe try to help people dealing with similar problems. 

But, more than any of that… I thought of you. I'd seen you hurting for years, and I wanted to be there for you, but I didn't know what to do. But, I realized, you looked like you were struggling the same way I was. I knew we had different problems, but I thought… maybe arrogantly… that I could finally help you. I wanted to at least try. I wanted to be there for you. To maybe help you find some of the happiness I did after so long. And I… I wanted you to be a part of my life again, too. I wanted to be together again. You brought me more joy than anyone in the world, even when I was at my lowest. So I wanted to be at your side, and I wanted to try and help you learn to love yourself, because god knows you deserve to.

There wasn't anything keeping me in Portland, so I applied for grad school and started making plans to come back here. I had finally accepted myself, and I finally had something to live for. I finally realized what was most important to me. When my application got accepted, I was over the moon. I counted the weeks and days until I could finally come home. And being here, and getting to be with you again, has made me so happy. Getting to see you blossom and become the person you've always wanted to be; getting to see you start to truly accept and embrace your true self; it's made me happier than I ever thought possible…

So… I thought I'd finally let it go. I thought I could just move on from what happened to me, without ever telling anyone, and I could just be okay. But, that was stupid optimism. Trauma like that doesn't just go away. I'm still hurting because of what my family did to me. And moving on from something doesn't mean just forgetting it, it means accepting what happened. It took me blowing up in your face and feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world to finally acknowledge that.

Sophie, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I pushed you away for so long. I'm sorry I took the pain my family inflicted on me, and turned it on you. You deserve so much better than that, and I'm sorry…"

I stood up. After everything she'd told me, 'I'm sorry,' was one of the last things I wanted to hear her say. I stood, and shook my head, and offered her my hand, pulling her to her feet.

"Anna, it's okay. I don't blame you for being scared to talk to me about it. I don't even know what I would have done in your shoes… And I don't want you to apologize. Even if you should have told me, what happened to you and what you did weren't your fault. So you don't have to apologize for it. Not now, and not ever again…! So…!"

Anna's face bore the most earnest, tender expression. I could feel myself starting to get choked up, so I pulled her close and hugged her, burying my face into her shoulder;

"Thank you…! Thank you for being alive! Thank you for telling me your story! Thank you for coming home! Thank you for being here for me, and saving me! Thank you for being the best friend I could have ever asked for! Thank you for everything! Thank you, Anna…! Thank you…!"

I couldn't see her face, but I could feel Anna smiling. She squeezed me tighter, and leaned her head against mine.

"I'm… I'm so glad you're a part of my life, Sophie…"

We held each other for a moment. Anna felt so calm and peaceful, even though I was quietly sobbing. I heard her whisper gently,

"We're gonna be okay… aren't we…?"

I pulled back, sniffling, and looked at her eyes. Those kind, steadfast eyes that told me everything I needed to know. I turned my trembling lips up into a smile to meet her own;

"Yeah… we are…"

With a contented sigh, Anna pulled me back into our embrace.

"Thank you for listening to me… Thank you for everything you do… I'm gonna get past this… the pain I've dealt with… Just telling you's helped me feel better… Truly… Thank you…"

We stayed like that for a while. After everything that'd happened that night… No, after everything we'd both been through, we needed that hug. We needed each other. I think we'd needed each other for a long time, but we were finally there. There was nothing coming between us; nothing hanging over us. We weren't torturing ourselves anymore. It was just us. We were exactly where we needed to be.

When we finally separated ourselves, I sat, or maybe flopped back down to the couch. I was exhausted. It had been a long night, a long four days, and an even longer five year journey to arrive at the point we'd finally gotten to. Everything was finally out there. We'd both finally accepted ourselves, and we were both finally completely open with one another. We'd finally said everything there was to say. It was all laid out on the table. 

At least… that's what I thought. But, when I looked up, Anna was still standing there. Her hands were behind her back, and she was looking at the floor, and I swear she looked like she was blushing. She glanced at me, and I don't know if I'd ever seen her look so shy before;

"There's… one more thing I need to tell you…"

"What is it…?"

She took a deep breath, calmed herself, and then smiled the sweetest, most radiant smile in the world;

"Sophie… I love you."

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