Chapter 40: Internal denials

I would like to apologize for the fact that the chapter appeared so late. However, it was very difficult for me to write this chapter besides that private matters came up so everything got delayed.

The chapter itself I wrote as well as I could. It took a lot of revisions (a lot, sometimes I deleted the whole chapter (I did it three times) to rewrite it) and what is now is the best I was able to get out of it

The next chapters will appear normally as long as there is not another lull thank you for your attention. 

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Lappland pov

 Holding the test packet in my hand, I put it in my pocket to free my hands. I walk the streets of Vale trying to rethink the situation, which I personally rarely do. This situation is terrible whenever I go to fight there is a chance of my death I even wish I could die in a fight but this is not a fight where there is always a chance that I will win. Now I am sick and I have to die. 

' But why is it always me? Just now when everything was supposed to work out '

' It was supposed to be me and Blake in the adventure as hunters we were supposed to be happy Blake was supposed to forget about everything. I would be able to be with her this.... .'

'... we should be together until death .'

I think when my body leads me to one of the alleys. Looking between the buildings the moon shines on me. A moon that I always reminds me of something . 

??? :" It's not fair right, for us a happy ending was never written".

Hearing the voice I turn towards it and see a broken mirror lying next to a dumpster. And in it a girl with a bald, dirty head on which is a pair of wolf ears that are bleeding from violent handling . Her Skinny body wrapped in a sheet, a black eye and knocked out front teeth, on her neck a familiar collar. 

Mirror reflection : " A child born like us has no right to love, we have no right to sympathy such is our fate." 

Mirror reflection : "We were born from the blood of a monster and will stay with it forever we have no right to love and to be happy because every time we are close to being happy it ends the same way . " 

Hearing this I look at the reflection and I don't want it to talk about it. With every word she says I know I remember it. Even though I try to think about it as a dream becouse I don't want to remember it as memory. Feeling anger I clench my teeth as my head starts to hurt. 

Mirror image :" Don't renounce it this is our heritage our story of madness, we have been cursed to live with this story and memories ". 

Lappland : "I do not renounce anything this the truth " 

I say intending to leave this place to return home. 

Mirror imige : "As usual you run away, a criminal and murderer, a child without love. In the eyes of others you have always been a tool. Everyone plays with you and you, like an obedient dog, wave your ogen even if your owner beats you or lets others beat you. However, you can't defend yourself because in the eyes of your Blake it's not right ." 

Hearing this I pause. 

'Blake?' 

'she doesn't she... '. 

Mirror imige : "She Loves you ?. You, didn't everyone say that, Mother, Trivia which makes Blake not say it too and do something else something that will hurt you" 

Lappland :"It can't be haHAHaha"

Hearing something like this I can only laugh but at the same time it hurts me somewhere which makes me angry. 

Mirror imige : "Then why does it hurt you so much that Blake left you and why are you afraid that she will leave you " 

Hearing this, I look at the girl in the mirror with shock.

Mirror imige : "Despite the fact that we are the same person you are pathetic in my eyes after what happened between you and Trivia you gave up completely on your self. And now like a faithful dog you wag your tail seeing Blake despite what she did to us." 

Mirror image : " Did you forgot why we don't like the word love?. It's because it reminds as of what happened back then It's reminde as bout how our mother abandoned us . " 

'I know'

Mirror imige :" You are a hypocrite you hate when someone confesses their feelings to you in the words' I love you ' Yet you still wait for Blake to tell you. Hhahaha She never told you that right you live in a relationship ' I like you very much '. Even a random girl confesses love to you. Bkake is like Hazel she just wants toys." 

Hearing this I kick the mirror so that it doesn't speak anymore. With the sound of breaking glass everything goes silent leaving me alone . Looking at the cracked fragments of the mirror lying on the ground, in its shards there is no longer my old face now there is only me drenched in tears. 

 

??? " Everyone played with your feelings and your goals are to satisfy others ." 

Again the voice returns but this time it sounds like the crowd is clogging up my head making me want to tear out my brain. The only thing I can do is cover my face with my hands even though I can feel my nails digging into my face but still I can't stop it. 

'I know it but I don't want to think about it, I don't want to remember it because...' 

??? :" It will be too pathetic. Your whole life what meaning does it have? "

I want to kill it what it says inside me to me but I can't. 

'If I kill myself it will die too right?' 

Lappland : "Hahahahahahah." 

 

' No one can really love me Mom left me, Trivia betrayed me and Blake....' 

Lappland :" Blake, hahahahahahahahhahaha"

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I feel like laughing again thinking about how my life is full of crap. 

??? :" you really think so about the woman who could have left you to die and run away by herself she stayed and gave birth to you. The woman who always hugged you so you wouldn't die of cold. Despite her broken body and mind she always said she loved you and never looked at you as a monster but as her daughter . She gave you all her food and you think she could not love you? . "

??? :"Is this what you think of the girl who took you into her home at the risk a fight with her parents. Your first friend your princess she was your first kiss.  You think of her as a traitor but this situation between you is complicated you know it well.  ." 

I hear the voice again however  it sounds different from the previous one this voice, seems just as disappointed as the previous one but instead of mockery it feels pity and because of it is also more annoying. 

Lappland : "Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean she loves me. Mom couldn't love me she didn't want me she didn't plan to have me, she was forced, there was no love ."  

??? :" You are petty, you don't know what happened then you don't know what happened to your mother however you already think that she left you as if what she did for you is not enough to know that she loved you. "

Hearing this I don't know what to say. With all the flustration I'm kicking the metal dumpster next to me destroying it in the process I'm going to hit it further but I can only grit my teeth. Leaning my back against the wall I cover my face with my hands again to think. 

??? : " Did you even go looking for her ?. No, you sit staring at Blake without thinking for yourself "  

I close my eyes as I don't want to fight it anymore. I remember it is the same cold dark room the sound of chains tightened around my neck. My mother with the same smile I always saw despite the darkness. And those laughs and acting joy over our heads spreading through the empty walls as if we didn't exist. 

 

At that moment I feel a cool hand on my cheek and a familiar smell comes to my nose. I know the owner of this smell but I don't want to look at this person. 

??? :" I am not punishing you to remember all this because I myself would gladly forget it . However, remember that I am always on your side no matter what you say about me or how you remember me but I want you without these shackles around your neck not for this I gave up everything I love. So I don't want to see them around your neck again ." 

Lappland : "No one is going to tell me what to do ".

??? :" After all You finally have a free choice you don't want to leave Blake then don't leave her but don't limit yourself to what she says be free and don't change because she does. Remember you are not a monster even though you see yourself that way. After all, there is already a small group of people who have somehow conveyed to you that they love you, you know that yourself. "

???" : And saddly you are dying so make up your mind. Do you will remember the past and take revenge, spend your last years making love and partying? . You will become a hunter at Blake's side? . Will you leave something behind in this world more than the name of a  monster? ."

Hearing voice inside me , I stand still and look again at the sky where I see the shattered moon which is slowly being covered by dark clouds. I don't know what to feel, everything falls on my head. I am angry at the same time I want to cry what I should do with myself. 

Lappland :" I am really  hopeless to listen the voice in my head, I am not so desperate HahahahAhaHAh ." 

I cried again like a little wimp as I feel my knees weaken. The past is not important  I just don't want to go back to that place and get revenge for something I don't want to remember for whom and on whom should I take revenge?. I gave up revenge because those who go after it die first. I also couldn't leave Blake and go for revenge. 

Because then I will leave everything behind. At least being in the White fang I could partially satisfy the desire for revenge now it is not important. As I am not a slave to my past.

' Why am I even thinking about this apart from Blake I have nothing, no purpose, no family, no life apart from that' 

' And now What do I want from my life. I have seven more years to live what am I supposed to do with this, what have I always wanted...? ' 

' Revenge maybe I will do it directly before I die' 

'Maybe I'll make a list of things to do before I die some people make lists like this' 

Thinking about it again realization hits me in the face.

'When I die Blake will be left alone what will she do without me, who will defend her she will be alone. When I die she will return to Adam. I must kill Adam and find someone to replace me for Blake's sake.' 

'But for now I'm going to become a hunter and Blake can't know anything either I don't want to lie to her because I don't lie so I have to make her stop worrying about me.' 

Lappland : " HahahAHaha so much to do so little time  huh?" 

Thinking about it I hear footsteps going towards me. I have no mood to talk with people. Even I know when my limit of anger is approaching and when I run amok and rage. Now I'm not in the mood to kill someone, I don't even feel like hitting anyone. However, my body wants this release  . 

I feel that all the emotions I can't get out of me and I don't know if I can stand them alone I want to hug Blake. Everything from last year is gathering inside me. That time when Adam kept me locked in a place so similar to where I was kept when I was little. 

 

I remember his taunts with which he insulted me at the time, but I don't care.  However, I can't forgive him that Blake was only part of his plan he lied to her and deceived her all the time taking advantage of my Blake's kindness. And now my illness. 

Lappland : "I will kill everybody if they bother me now Hahahhahaha." 

I'm tired from today so I get up despite feeling nauseous and I immediately go straight to leave the alley. Unfortunately before I take a step I feel someone grab me by the tail. Then everything became a blur and everything I had in my heart and in my mind all my unconcern my anger... 

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And at that moment something inside me snapped again. 

Lappland : " HahahaHaAHa". 

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