Chapter 29: 26

‘I feel like fainting.’

 

Wouldn’t it have been better for my life if I drank poison and died like that yesterday? Why had Kid listened to me? Had he cared for me to kill me in a sane state? It was a very reasonable statement.

 

I cautiously pulled myself back to get further away from Seniel. I tried to gently lower his arm from above my waist.

 

But then the steady breathing stopped. When I raised my gaze, thinking, ‘How could this be?’, I saw Seniel’s face as if he had just woken up from sleep.

 

“Vivi?” Seniel opened his eyes and looked at me in confusion.

 

A deep sigh flowed from within me. I was so angry with him yesterday and never thought I would face him like this. Nothing in the real world went my way.

 

Holding back a sigh, I greeted Seniel. “… Good morning.”

 

The need to take out my anger on him had completely subsided since my reason had returned.

 

Hey, me. Kid causes your hard time.

 

I was angry, but I didn’t have the energy to be angry at him anymore. Rather, it seemed that the more I vented my anger on Seniel, the more I felt uncomfortable, so it was better not to do it.

 

Seniel hurriedly stood up. His pupils trembled, and soon he got out of my bed with a guilty face. “… I’m sorry.” He looked at me with an expression that he had more to say and gradually moved away from me.

 

Normally, he would’ve asked what had happened with a tearful face. But strangely enough, today’s Seniel spewed no such words nor expression.

 

Seniel spoke briefly with a gloomy face. “I’ll leave now.” Then he ran across the room and grabbed the doorknob. I looked at him with my mouth open. I now understood the saying “crying without openly crying” from this man. He looked like he would break at any moment.

 

“Wait a minute, Seniel.” So, without realizing it, I called him. I got out of bed and followed him. My body was not fully healed yet, so my legs were wobbly.

 

“Huh?” Seniel was surprised and ran over to catch me. His arms supported my upper body.

 

“Ah, thank you.”

 

Seniel, who was carefully lifting me up, opened his eyes wide and examined my body again as if he had sensed a strange state of my body.

 

“Vivi, fever-”

 

“Ah… yes. I was actually a little sick yesterday.”

 

Seniel’s expression darkened again. He looked apologetic for not noticing that I was ill yesterday but also showed a strange sense of disappointment and betrayal that I hadn’t been looking for him.

 

‘Ah, come to think of it, he did say I can call him whenever I feel sick.’

 

I’d unintentionally hurt him. There was another awkward silence in the room. Seniel bit his lip and held out his hand to me.

 

“Let me take care-”

 

Thinking that he would run away after treatment, I grabbed his arm.

 

“… Wait a minute. More than that, you’re not going to ask me what happened at night anymore?”

 

Seniel had an oddly wounded face. However, he answered me one beat late. “… I thought I didn’t deserve to ask. I just thought it would be better for Vivi if I went out soon…”

 

What should I do with this weak-hearted guy?

 

It would be good if he disappeared quickly, but seeing him in such a low posture made my heart ache.

 

I took Seniel’s hand. As I held his hand, I involuntarily remembered the events of the night before and almost inadvertently shuddered. I was afraid of the future that would unfold tonight, but I held on to my heart. Even if I die, I should die with dignity. Don’t pick on others.

 

‘Yes, if I want to be angry, I should be angry with Kid, not with Seniel, who is sad because he can’t do anything.’

 

“I’m sorry. Well, I guess I just got sensitive yesterday. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

 

Seniel’s eyes shook. He looked guilty, as though I shouldn’t have said that.

 

“No. It’s my fault.”

 

Normally, it would sound sarcastic when someone apologized and the other party said it was their own fault. But with Seniel, it was so sincere, as if it was really his fault.

 

I was going to say it wasn’t his fault, but I decided to find a way to apologize without touching his guilt.

 

“Let’s just say we did each other wrong and shake hands to reconcile.”

 

Tears filled Seniel’s eyes in an instant. His eyes widened as if teardrops were about to be spilled at any moment. He didn’t cry in the end, but anyone who’d seen it would’ve been nervous.

 

Seniel slowly reached out and took my hand. “Vivi shines so brightly it makes me feel shabby. You’re sweet, warm-”

 

Hearing such a thing from Seniel pricked my conscience. I’d never been warm to him.

 

‘I think I only gave orders.’

 

Rather, I acted selfishly to live.

 

I smiled vaguely and shook our hands.

 

“I’m not that kind of a person. I’m very selfish, so I don’t warm up to anyone. Aren’t you the nice one?”

 

“No, I-” Seniel stopped talking, making the atmosphere subside again. He was not shy, but he was reluctant to praise himself. Suddenly, he changed the subject to avoid this conversation. “… More than that, can I ask for just one thing? Since we have reconciled, I want to treat you.”

 

“All right.”

 

Still in a strangely awkward atmosphere, a bright light came from his hand.

 

As soon as the light was absorbed into my body, my woozy body instantly became light. I felt refreshed beyond being healthy. I was in the best condition at once.

 

It was also because of Seniel’s holy power that my body was fine even after playing the piano for a day the other day.

 

I opened and closed my fists in genuine admiration. “Thank you. It’s still amazing every time I see it.”

 

If it wasn’t for this awkward atmosphere and if I had been closer to Seniel, I would’ve begged him to show me more. Glancing at his hand, I shook my head to restrain myself.

 

Seniel looked at my face and asked hesitantly, “… Do you want me to show you more?” His face, asking such a question, looked somewhat solemn.

 

An intelligent adult would say no, but the innocence within me piqued my curiosity. I wanted to see more. And when I saw Seniel’s determined face, I was even more curious. Wouldn’t it be rude to say no to someone ready to show off?

 

As I nodded, Seniel let out a shallow breath with a nervous expression on his face.

 

And one by one, pure white light began to appear around me.

 

“… Wow.”

 

The light that stayed around me became a white butterfly, and white flowers began to bloom on the floor. A white tree rose up to the ceiling. The entire room became a forest filled with light.

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White leaves fell from the trees, fluttering like flower petals. When the leaves were caught, they melted and disappeared.

 

I muttered as I stared blankly at the tree, feeling unreal, “I didn’t know this could be done with holy power. What is this used for?”

 

Seniel shook his head slightly as he glanced at the work he had created. “It probably won’t be used anywhere. It’s the first time I’ve used holy power like this. It’s just for ornamental purposes.”

 

I reached out to the butterfly hovering around me, which sat lightly on my hand. Seniel looked at me and asked. “… Do you like it?”

 

I turned my head and looked at Seniel. There was tension on his face as he waited for an answer.

 

He said he did something he hadn’t done in his life to make me feel better, so how could I dislike it? However, the more he tried to be nice to me, the more I felt uncomfortable.

 

‘His connection with the female lead is messed up because of me. I feel like I’ve unintentionally stolen the female lead’s role, making me uncomfortable.’

 

I couldn’t find Ezette right now. And even if I was lucky enough to escape, it was only natural that Seniel would have to suffer from this condition if Ezette did not appear. I felt like I had ruined his predestined happiness.

 

“… I love it. It was a good show. Thank you. That’s enough.”

 

Seniel’s face, which had been hardened with tension, relaxed. “I’m glad.” He smiled faintly and was sincerely relieved. When I said that this was enough, the forest began to disappear one by one.

 

Seeing Seniel’s relieved face made me feel complicated. I hated and felt sorry for Seniel, and I felt heavy because I felt like I’d ruined his future while hoping for his happiness.

 

“Don’t you have to go now? It seems like a lot of time has been delayed.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Seniel looked at his watch as if he had completely forgotten the time. It was well past 7 AM. I thought he would be late even if he prepared now, but Seniel didn’t go out right away and looked at me like a puppy in pain.

 

I asked with my eyes if he had anything to say, and Seniel spoke unsurely, “Vivi, what should I do this evening…”

 

What should you do? I hadn’t decided yet what to do. Considering last night’s karma, I could die immediately tonight, so I thought a meal would be useless.

 

‘But it’s better to have insurance.’

 

Yesterday, everything was helpless and hopeless, so I told myself to do whatever I wanted. Maybe it was because my body had become healthy, so I somehow regained the will to live.

 

“See you at the dining hall again tonight. I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

“… Yes!” As soon as my words fell, Seniel’s face brightened, and a smile appeared. His eyes bent in a half-moon shape. “Then see you tonight, Vivi. I’ll be back.”

 

Seniel smiled. Feeling shocked, even after Seniel left, I stared at his empty seat for a long time.

 

***

 

‘I did say it was better to have insurance, but I don’t know what to do.’

 

I thought of a countermeasure while lying on the sofa, but there was no answer.

 

I couldn’t get on a ship, I couldn’t go out on land, and there were too many temples to hide in the Empire, so there was a high probability that my location would be discovered soon.

 

‘Actually, before I even think of a way to escape, I have to think about the highest probability of dying within today.’

 

How could I have mistaken Kid for my mother? I’d been sick, but I didn’t think I would be so confused.

 

‘… What’s the point of thinking about something that has already happened?’

 

And that’s how I became someone with nothing to do or plan, staring blankly at the wall with a sense of futility.

 

***

 

In my previous life, right before I died, I’d wanted to play the piano very much, and that still remained with me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have headed to the piano room like this.

 

As someone who had died once, I could say that I knew better than others what to do right before I died so that I would regret less. Should I say it’s an advantage of a second-hand rookie?

 

‘In this life, I’ll play the piano as much as I want before I leave.’

 

Should I slap Kid and die? I still regretted not being able to set fire to my uncle’s house, so I’d have to consider that.

 

I sat down in front of the piano and took a deep breath. When I tried to play any song that came to mind, Chopin’s Ballad No. 1 came to mind.

 

It is said that all of Chopin’s ballads were taken from Goethe’s ‘The Devil’. It tells a story about a father who rides away on his horse, holding his son in his arms as the devil tries to take the child away.

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Perhaps it came to mind subconsciously because it fit my situation perfectly.

 

‘What did Chopin feel?’

 

As a dear disciple, I think I could be the child because I understand the feeling of being pursued.

 

Being in harmony with music was easier than I thought. My eyes felt moist, as if mist had been sprayed on them.

 

I took a deep breath and took a position to hit the first key.

 

The play began with two hands hitting the same note and soon sounded like a narration of Goethe’s poem.

 

Who rode a horse at this windy late night?

 

“…”

 

Tears burst out suddenly. It was embarrassing. I thought I had accepted death and became detached. Still, I was overcome with grief.

 

‘I miss my mom.’

 

Last night, although it had just been an illusion, Kid had looked like my mom.

 

Tears kept dripping down the piano keys as I tried to press the next keys in succession.

 

‘I want to live.’

 

I missed my mom, but I didn’t want to meet her this way. As I was angry with myself for waiting for death, tears burst from my eyes at the inevitable reality.

 

‘I want to live.’

 

If I thought my mom and dad were looking at me, I had to live hard somehow. I wanted to live bravely so my mom and dad wouldn’t be sad.

 

In my previous life, I died before reaching my twenties. There were so many things I hadn’t been able to do, so I didn’t want to die again so soon. How much I regretted the past after being diagnosed with cancer. If I could live a healthy life, I vowed to seize it somehow.

 

I couldn’t give up like this. With this healthy body, I had to live somehow.

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