Chapter 32: Chapter 30

“Hearken to me now and heed my words, for I have come as you requested so long ago, on this, the day of your death.” - The Mockreet

"Your voice is coming along nicely,” Gabrielle nodded as she raised her hand, indicating for me to raise to a higher pitch. Finally, she dropped her hand, allowing me to stop after I’d stayed at a specific pitch until she was satisfied. “But, you need to remember to keep practicing, every day; even in normal conversation.”

“But I do!” I argued. She gave me a knowing look and I sighed. “It’s hard. To keep my voice…like that, I mean-”

“You must practice both inside this room, and out, otherwise you’ll begin to lose your proficiency, and then we will have to start again, understand?”

“I do,” I nodded, feeling more than a little exhausted. “But Ms. Marsh, is it even worth it?”

“Pardon?” She cocked her head and looked down at me from her position over my desk. “I’m afraid I don’t take your meaning?”

“I…do you really think I’m truly a girl? I feel like I’m pretending,” I said the words to her that I couldn’t say to Sheena - each time I’d brought it up she would become angry or tell me to have more respect for myself. Gabrielle, however, didn’t become angry. Instead she snickered a little and then placed her fist to her lips, regarding me with an almost sympathetic smile. 

“What?” I asked desperately. “It’s not a joke, it’s-”

“My dear Lyra,” She laughed. “The humor resides in the very fact that you believe you could be anything else! Even before you had all of those procedures and styled your hair in a manner befitting a young lady, I would have never have mistaken you for a man! Lyra, a man can dress in women’s clothing but it does not make him a woman, does it? Being a girl doesn’t mean wearing the clothes or giving yourself a feminine name, it lies in how you carry yourself, how you interact with others. Tis not something you become, ‘tis something you are and always have been!”

“But I could be pretending,” I protested. “How would you know?”

“Lyra,” She looked around the classroom slowly, as if to ensure there was no one else with us. It was silly; we’d been alone in the empty classroom for the past three hours. “as one of your closest instructors I have been…advised as to who and what you are, specifically where you came from. This is…a strange like of questioning, considering.”

“Wait,” I widened my eyes in panic. “You know?” 

“Lyra, dear, your sister and I have spoken of it at length. In our society, there are people who are…oddly gendered. Some are males who transition to female, some female to male, some in between. Does it happen a whole lot? No, perhaps not, but it does happen. You, however, are a biologiy born female transposed into the body of a male. I don’t see, Lyra, how you could consider yourself anything less than female regardless of your anatomy.”

“You believe all of it?” I asked her incredulously.

“Had I been around fifty years ago, perhaps I would not,” She admitted. “But the Stormveil, the Mah’Kur, the mines of Jybaltin, everything changed, Lyra. You being from another world, isn’t so much of a stretch. Now, Lyra, I am a performer and I have been around my fair share of actors. You are no actor, Lyra. You carry yourself as a young girl, you speak as a young girl. Let there be no doubt in your mind.”

“Are you sure you’re not just-”

“Our lesson is finished today, Lyra,” She said, cutting me off and placing her hands on her hips. “Surely you can do your soul seeking elsewhere.” 

“Surely,” I smiled and nodded, standing up from the desk.

“Your homework is to practice the scales and work on your pitch. Most importantly, practice your voice with others, even if you perceive it as silly. Understood?” 

“Yes Ma’am,” I acknowledged before scurrying out of the room. Lacking a time piece, I prayed I wasn’t too late as I made my way down the stairs and toward the Octagon. I found Calliope there, standing near the third hallway; she shot me a smile and my heart melted at the sight of her deep red eyes and pale lips.

“Busy day?” She asked as I came near.

“I’m sorry,” I said with actual regret. “My lessons ran…a little long.”

“What lessons are you taking?” 

It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn’t tell her what kind of lessons I was taking. She had no idea that I was…well…that I was a fraud. I guess that was the way I was thinking of it. 

“Er…singing…lessons,” I said; at least that was somewhat close to the truth, though not entirely. Her eyes lit up as soon as I mentioned it.

“I should love to hear you sing sometime then!” She said excitedly. I blushed and gritted my teeth a bit.

“I…would…love to do that for you?” I said, panicking internally. She laughed and gave me a quick hug.

“But today, I have a surprise for you,” Her Zlitian accent was far more pronounced than Jen’s for sure; I wondered which part of the country she came from. It seemed to me that those from the southernmost reaches of the nation had the most extreme accents in contrast to those closer to the border of Klocby. Then again, that might be innate prejudice left over from Micah. Sometimes I could feel him, there in the back of my mind, clawing to get out. 

“A surprise?” I asked her as I shook off the chill building in the back of my neck. He wasn’t real, he wasn’t there. I was Lyra. I was a girl. A girl. 

“Yes, you will like it,” She assured me. She took me by the hand, I immediately looked down at her hand wrapped gently about mine and my eyes traveled up to hers. “Are you quite alright?”

“Yes,” I nodded. It should have felt strange, her holding my hand, but somehow I felt warm, protected. Did I like girls? I couldn’t remember. She smiled again and led me toward the fifth hallway opposite the central pillar. We passed a woman in a purple hat and two girls in servant gray; I felt a tinge of recognition as one of them nodded to me. I didn’t know her name; I felt bad for that. 

The walk down the hallway was a blur to me; I concentrated mostly on Calliope, everything from the shape of her body, to the color of her fairly low cut top. It was a deep purple, a U shaped neckline, layered with a white undershirt. The top was paired with a thick skirt of a slightly darker purple that dropped to just below her knees. 

“Might you stop ogling me and come along?” She teased me. I recoiled a little, blushing and trying to think of a million different things to say to offset the situation. She simply snickered and pulled me closer as we ascended a stair and found ourselves in wide hall lined with doors on either side. “Come come, we have somewhere to be!”

The hall smelled like a cleaner that I was intimately familiar with, and the scent emanating from the gray tiles brought me back to a time that was so familiar to me, yet seemed so far away. My thoughts wandered to Sheena and Jen as we passed frosted windows and wooden doors on the way to a room with ‘218’ etched on the glass with black-gold lettering. 

“Where are we?” I asked her a little apprehensively, suddenly realizing that I had an actual problem with speaking up for myself. Could probably thank Sheena for that to some extent. Instead of answering, Calliope twisted the brass knob and walked into the room. Inside there were at least ten girls, all dressed as us in at least semi-formal gowns of different textures and colors. Most importantly, each of them were around our age, but regardless of the implied comradery, I found myself shrinking back, unsure of the situation that Calliope had just dragged me into. 

“It’s okay,” She smiled to me and gave my hand a squeeze. “Everyone! This is Lyra, I thought I’d bring her to today’s meeting, and she certainly has a story to tell!”

“Hello Lyra,” One of the girls said, stepping forward and giving me a once over with her eyes. “My name is Kayleigh, this is Lilliana, and the girl sulking in the corner is Audrey.”

“I am not sulking!” Audrey snapped back. I watched her, expecting her to say something more, but she simply put her head down, apparently reading a thick book cradled in her hands. 

“I haven’t see Lyra around,” Lilliana cocked her head, studying me as if I were a research project. 

“I have,” A new voice said. I looked up and my heart stopped. It was Sage. My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped just slightly. I expected her to say something, anything, perhaps even expose me, but it just didn’t happen. “Lyra is a special case, but one of us, nonetheless. Actually, she’s more like me.”

“Like you? She was adopted?” Lilliana asked, stepping forward to look at me. 

“That would be the situation yes,” Sage’s voice was guarded, her tone stiff. I tried to think of something to say but the words wouldn’t come. There was nothing I could say that would be adequate to the situation. Sage. The girl whose father I had ordered executed, the girl I had ordered to be executed. No, it wasn’t me, it was him but the memories were still there inside, creeping up, threatening to take over. “Calliope, if you’re going to bring her here among us then some honesty, perhaps?”

“Honesty?” Calliope looked to me, confused. “About what?” 

“If you won’t own to it, then leave,” Sage glared at me, Calliope frowned and looked from me, to her. “Shall I tell them then?” 

“I…” I began to tremble as Sage curled her lip. Immediately, I turned toward the door but she caught my arm and pulled me in among the other girls. 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Sage said in a sharp tone that didn’t quite imply anger. She then turned to the other girls and I prepared for the worst. “This is Lyra Rossi, sister of Sheena Rossi. Her circumstances are…unusual as she was not born female.”

There was an audible gasp around the room, and the sound of me retreating into myself, assuming that could make a noise. I opened my mouth and then close it again; Calliope started at me, mouth agape, an almost imperceptible shake of her head. Suddenly, I shrieked, my body shaking as I scanned the room for an exit but realized I was surrounded on all sides by girls who had made the transition from friendly, to outright shocked. 

“You may consider us even, now,” Sage said. “Sit.”

I didn’t want to sit, I wanted to run, I wanted to flee across the campus and hide in a hole somewhere. I wanted to be anywhere but here, in front of these girls and their curious, prying eyes. Instead, Calliope took me by the arm and helped me to sit in a chair just as my legs threatened to give way beneath me. She leaned in close, touching my face and studying me closely. 

“It is true then?” Her voice conveyed curiosity rather than anger, though it didn’t put me more at ease. Instead, I began to tremble, prompting her to lay a hand on my shoulder and lean in. “Calm yourself, no one here is laying judgement.”

“That much is true, “Sage confirmed. “But honesty is important here.”

“How is it honesty?” I demanded shakily. “I’m a girl, like you, you didn’t have to tell them that!”

“No matter,” Lilliana said, clapping her hands. Audrey looked up, somewhat interested, but then returned to her book. “Done is done, let us get started!”

Without another word on the topic, the girls pulled out wooden chairs and seated themselves in a circle with Calliope beside me, and Audrey finally closing her book with a sigh and making her way over to the circle. 

“That…was one way to start the meeting,” Kayleigh sighed and inhaled heavily through gritted teeth. The other girls nodded profusely in agreement. “Very well then. For those of us who are new, this is a meeting of the ‘Little Cogs’ club, an association of little sisters who-”

“Who need to vent their anger,” Audrey suddenly spoke, prompting everyone to look in her direction. Her face was a portrait of annoyance that contrasted her bright pink gown laden with bows and a white sash at the waist.

“Who dresses you?” Kayleigh teased her, prompting Audrey to give a low growl. 

“We ought start with Lyra,” Lilliana suggested; the other girls nodded. “The sister of Sheena Rossi. She had Desa and Elizabeth for sisters, can you imagine?” The other girls mumbled in agreement, one of them gave a low whistle - I cringed. 

“What is she like, then?” A girl whose name I didn’t know asked. I looked to hear, feeling queasy, but did my best to answer.

“She…I…”

“Now Lyra,” Calliope laid her hand on my knee and used her other hand to place a hand on my cheek and turn my head toward her, forcing me to meet her eyes. “What you were does not matter, and here you will find the kinship you so desperately need, do not waste this opportunity!”

“Before we start,” Kayleigh looked to Lilliana. “Ought we discuss what just transpired?” 

“Aye then,” Lilliana sighed. “Let’s be done with it. Sage, that was unnecessary, do you not think?”

“What was unnecessary?” Sage raised an eyebrow.

“Lyra is not entirely unique, we do know others who present as a different gender, ‘tis nothing new. ‘Tis also not considered polite to reveal them. Lyra seems to have worked hard on her appearance, and she clearly wishes to be considered as a woman, so I would go so far as to say you owe the girl an apology.”

There was a murmur of agreement throughout the room and I gripped the edge of my chair through my skirt. Sage looked at me, a stony expression on her face, and finally, I managed to speak up.

“It’s fine,” I said so quietly that it might as well have been a whisper. 

“It is not fine!” Calliope objected. “‘Tis your business, not hers!”

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“This once,” I insisted. “It’s fine.”

Lilliana shot me an uncomfortable glance while Audrey rolled her eyes and Kayleigh scratched her head. 

“Whatever it is that transpired between the two of you, it does not enter these doors again, am I understood?” Lilliana directed her statement mostly at Sage who somehow managed to avoid shooting her a smirk. 

“Of course,” Sage nodded, stopping short of an apology. 

Lilliana stared hard at her, trying to discern whether or not there was cause for concern, and then exerted an inaudible sigh before turning back to me. 

“Lyra, the ‘Little Cogs’ club is an association of younger sisters, all are welcome, and whatever is said here, stays here. You are free to vent your frustrations as you see fit, and in turn, we will help you to deal with those frustrations, so, you have the floor, so to speak. What frustrates you most?”

“That is…a difficult question,” I struggled to even get the words out. “I love Sheena, as a sister. She saved me and I don’t know where I’d be without her.”

“There has to be more to it!” A girl on the other side of the circle said. 

“Indeed,” Kayleigh nodded. “The facts in this situation are…well…almost unbelievable. Let us see if we grasp the situation. You were a male, you made a remarkable transition to femininity, and now you find yourself under the influence of Sheena Rossi as her younger sister.”

“Sheena Rossi is tough,” Another girl noted. “I can scarcely imagine…”

“I’m fine with my sister, I really am,” I stammered, and then began to stand from my chair, ready to burst into a full run toward the door. Calliope squeezed my hand and pulled me downward, practically forcing me back into the chair. 

“Aye I can see the fear in her eyes!” A girl laughed.

“She’s trembling,” Snickered another.

“Oh calm yourselves!” Lilliana interjected loudly; the laughter died down. “Take no mind to it, Lyra, they just like seeing in you what they’ve seen in themselves. Though…worse, taking to consider it’s Sheena Rossi. So tell us Lyra, what do you find to be the most difficult?”

The other girls in the circle leaned forward, suddenly eager to hear what I had to say. 

“I…I can’t do this,” I said suddenly, rising from my chair. “She’s my sister, I can’t- I can’t!” 

I don’t fully remember making it from my chair to the door, I only remember a flurry of cloth as my skirts scraped against the floor and a slight pain as I slammed my toe against the leg of a chair. Out in the hallway, I took off like a shot even as Calliope shouted after me. I made it to the stairs and nearly managed to clear the bottom step, but instead tripped and sailed across the landing, smashing into the balustrade and rolling onto my side. 

“Goddess!” Calliope said as her feet pounded down the wooden steps. Beneath the soft glow of the wall-mounted arc-lamp, she gathered me in her arms and patted my cheek. “Lyra? Lyra!”

“No, stop slapping me!” I moaned, pushing her hand away. “I’m awake!”

“Aye but you didn’t seem so, did you hit your head?”

“No!” I shook my head violently, then rolled sideways against her chest. “I can’t do it, Calliope! She’s my sister, how could you?!”

“Oh calm your nerves,” Callaiope rolled her eyes and hugged me. “You reacting like this tells me there’s something wrong for sure. You ought talk to someone. And what ‘tis it you’ve done to poor Sage then?”

“I tried to kill her family,” I admitted.

“You are so very funny,” Callaiope rolled her eyes and helped me to sit upright. I laid back against the ballaster, overlooking the stairs down. It was quiet in the stairwell, almost serene; I recalled too many times as a servant when I’d sat myself on one of these landings and basked in the solitude. It was an in-between space where no one would look for you, your own quiet little corner of the world. Callaiope sat there in silence for some time, but then finally spoke; her voice echoed off the thin, bare walls regardless of how low she made it. “I am a younger sister as well, Lyra. Your situation is not unique and you needn’t do it alone.”

“They won’t have me back after that,” I said, feeling somewhat satisfied at that fact. “I have to do it alone.”

“Aye, you think you’re the only one to tuck tail and run from a ‘Little Cogs’ meeting?” She laughed. “Our lives can be both strange and intimidating, what you did, ‘tis not by far the strangest thing to happen in that room, mark my words.”

“Well that’s good,” I smiled a little. “I rather liked some of them.”

“As you ought,” Calliope said. “They’re good friends, all of them. 

“But what of the other thing?” I asked her, feeling more than a bit concerned.

“Other thing? Oh. That. Tis of no matter to me, by and by I can’t see why Sage did such a thing, I am glad to know it though.”

“Y- you are?”

“Aye,” Calliope nodded. “T’will make it easier to understand you for certain. Would never’ve figured it out if Sage hadn’t been so blunt.”

“That can’t be true,” I laughed. “You would have figured it out.”

“I really do not think that to be so,” Calliope squeezed my hand and grinned at me. “Either you’ve truly mastered the art of cosmetics, or you’ve had work done on you.”

“Both,” I admitted. She nodded. “But I guess this means no more dates.”

“How should I take to mean that?” She looked to me in confusion. 

“I suppose you like girls,” I shrugged. “I…liked you in that way, I think. I mean, I didn’t know for sure I like girls, at least until now, but truly you deserve better than a pretender.”

Calliope recoiled and looked at me in abject horror. I frowned and looked about in panic, wondering what it was I’d done.

“A pretender?” She said. “You, my dear Lyra are many things but a pretender you are not!”

Without a single word of warning, she leaned in and pressed her lips against mine; I started in surprise but didn’t attempt to pull away; instead I found myself leaning in, pressing my body against hers and slowly closing my eyes as I reveled in the warmth of her embrace. Finally, we pulled ourselves apart and I leaned back against the balister, breathing heavily.

“There is no pretense here, Lyra Rossi,” She assured me. “I am attracted to girls, and you, Lyra, are a girl. Make no mistake.”

“Okay,” I said, short of breath as she kissed me again. 

Hours later I found myself walking back to the servant quarters, lost in thought and wishing I were still with Calliope. Unfortunately, Sheena had enacted a fairly strict curfew for me which involved dinner and then bed. I made the decision to stop at the room first where I found Jen placing her work uniforms on hangers, she gave me a quick glance as I walked through the door. 

“Took some time to put a thought to it,” She said to me as she turned to small closet. “and I ought say I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” I asked her, confused as I sat on my bunk.

“I grew up poor,” She explained. “I didn’t have a Sheena to help me pull through the cold nights. Well before I was of age I found myself sleeping on the cobblestones with nothin’ but a burlap sack to keep me in heat as the snows took the streets and the winds swept me up. By and by, I was thin as a sheet o’ parchment with an empty belly and a dry tongue. When I see you casuin’ a stir over being taken care of, I guess I mean to say it irritates me some, but then I remember that you may not be hungry, and you might not be beggin’ in the alley, but you’ve sure got your own to worry about, don’t you?”

“Maybe not as bad as you,” I suggested. “I think you were right, the other night when you took me out to the slums.”

“Wasn’t.” She shook her head and sat down on the bunk across from me. “I think you ought listen to your sister, but she ought listen to you to. She likes to say your situation isn’t unique, but it is. If you need to talk, I’ll be here.”

“The situation isn’t unique,” I argued. “Lots of people are little sisters, they all get bossed around. I know that know. She really just wants what’s best for me.”

“Aye, she does,” Jen smiled and nodded. “I’m surely glad you see that, but her job is to ready you to take your place in the world. How ought you do that if the world is different for you than it is for most others? Aye, she’ll need some guidance of her own, sure enough. But enough of that, off we go, ‘tis dinner time. Wait though.”

I froze as she leaned in, looking hard at my face. She frowned and then turned to her bedside table, retrieving a white cloth and taking it to my lips. 

“You oughtn’t go to the dining hall with a stranger’s lipstick all about you,” She lectured. “What’s this to mean anyway? You became a girl just to kiss girls? What sort of sense does that make, Lyra?”

“I didn’t!” I protested. “I wear lipstick! It’s mine!”

“Lyra, dear, I’ve kissed enough to know what it looks like to leave a smear, you plainly forget I’m older than you. ‘Sides love, you’re redder than a hot iron now. You’ve told Sheena, then?”

“I um…of course,” I nodded profusedly. Jen cocked her head at me.

“Aye well, if you have then good, if you haven’t, at least I’ll have a front row seat to whatever discipline she bestows on you.”

“Can we…just go to dinner?” I suggested.

“Aye, we’ll go to dinner. 

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