Chapter 34: Chapter 32

I made my way through the dining hall, through the rows of tables bustling with the excited and idle conversations of servant that I both knew and didn’t know. One girl dark skin and curly blonde hair smiled and waved to me as I passed; I waved back, though I had no idea who she was. She turned to her friends and giggled as I continued onward, past the main grouping of tables and toward the front where Sheena, Kayla, and Elric sat with their food trays pushed off to the side while they stared at stacks of paper atop brown folders. Elric scratched some numbers into a column and shook his head as I approached. 

“Three did not show for their shifts,” Elric said in annoyance as I slid into the bench; my tray clattered against the wooden surface, drawing his attention momentarily before he looked back to the sheet in front of him. Sheena reached across the table, and took my plate and tin cup from the tray, then dropped the tray on the floor behind her. 

“Not enough space for that, Lyra,” She lectured me. 

“Yes, Elder Sister,” I replied, immediately.

“You look good,” Kayla remarked to me. “Now that the swelling has subsided. How does it feel?”

I shrugged and bit my lip. “Uh…I really like not having to paint my face. I used to sweat a lot.”

“I suppose wearing cosmetics all of the time would be an annoyance,” Kayla laughed. “but are you happy?”

“I am,” I nodded and smiled. “I feel more…like me…I guess. I never liked the cosmetics….they made my face itch.”

“They shouldn’t do that,” Kayla frowned. “What brushes were you using?”

“On the subject of ‘you’,” Sheena said to me. “I have left you to your own devices since you were dismissed from service and I do apologize for that.”

“You’re busy, I understand, Elder Sister” I said quickly. 

“It will be remedied,” She assured me. I gulped and paled as I wondered what she might have in store for me. 

“Ah, but before that,” Elric said, reaching beside the table and producing a covered basket. “I thought you ought have some of my creations, seeing as you were rushed off so suddenly the last time I cooked.”

“Oh! Thank you Elric,” I said with a quick smile as I accepted the small basket and began to pull back the cloth napkin. Sheena placed her hand on mine until my eyes met hers.

“Later,” She said firmly. “Eat your dinner, Lyra.”

“Yes, Elder Sister.”

Sheena returned to her paperwork and I watched her compare notes with Kayla as they both occasionally nibbled on their meals. I looked down at my tray and frowned; there was a Rukon egg that had been boiled and peeled, though it was a shade of dark purple rather than the usual red. I picked it up and turned it over in my hand, keeping my fingers tight so as to avoid it slipping from my hand. 

“Don’t play with your food,” Sheena told me.

“Why is it purple?” I asked her. “Rukon eggs are red.”

“That, is a fertilized egg,” Elric advised me. He would know; he was apparently the expert on all things food. 

“Fertilized?” I frowned, taking a bite out of it.“What does that mean? Oh goddess, it’s good!”

“Aye, as it should be,” Sheene said, not bothering to look up. “You just ate a baby rukon.”

I paled and my stomach lurched as I did a half turn and spat the egg onto the floor of the dining hall. Surprisingly, no one even looked up. 

“So, Lyra,” Elric pushed his papers aside and replaced them with his meal tray. “Did you enjoy the horseback riding this week past?”

Sheena looked up, raising an eyebrow at me and then looked to Elric. 

“You’re playing it up then, aren’t you?” She gave him a glance that looked like more of a warning than anything else. 

“I am playing nothing!” Elric said back teasingly. Sheena cocked her head and then shook it at him.

“Lyra,” Sheena said. “You will come to my office after the evening meal.”

“I…always do,” I frowned. “I don’t have a choice.”

“Right,” Sheena looked incredibly distracted before returning her attention to her meal. She popped of the of the eggs into her mouth and I cringed as she chewed it. She snickered as much as she could with a full mouth as she observed the look of horror on my face. 

“How does it differ from eating any other egg?” Kayla asked me. “They are all the same.”

“They are not!” I practically screeched. Sheena laughed again, this time placing her hand to her nose to prevent a snort. “They’re…they’re….ugh!”

“Convincing argument,” Sheena nodded. 

“I will take it under advisement,” Kayla smirked as she ate another of the eggs. I shuddered.

“Eat, Lyra,” Sheena pointed to my plate. “Even if the eggs are not to your liking you’ve still got bread and husproot.”

Part of me wanted to tell her that I was seventeen years old and didn’t need to be ordered about like a child, but the other part of me fully realized that was just the way of things. Another part of me appreciated being given direction even if it was forceful. I obediently dug by spoon into the husproot and smeared a bit of it on a piece of seasoned bread. 

“You oughtn’t do that,” Sheena said disapprovingly. “It’s not ladylike, nor is it proper.”

“Aye, and since when has this hall cared for those traditions?” Elric laughed as he dipped his own bread in the husproot and took a bite.

“Elric, I warn you,” Sheena’s tone had an agitated edge to it, Elric sighed and wiped his mouth. “Lyra, while it may not matter now, there could come a time in your life when it does matter, and so I compel you to become accustomed to it now.”

“Listen your sister, little one,” He advised me. I shuddered a bit at being called ‘little one’.

“Come,” Sheena said, gathering her papers as she saw I’d finished my food. “Let us go to my office.”

I stood up to follow her, grabbing the tray from the floor as I went. After dropping my tray and plate off at the kitchen, I struggled to match her brisk pace down the hallway and up the back stair that led directly into her office. I stood in the customary spot, just in front of the desk and held my hands out as she took them and scanned over the fingernails.

“Lyra,” She said as she held my hand up closer to her face. “Do you dig graves in your spare time?”

“No, Elder Sister,” I blushed. She shrugged and led me to the latrine where she began to use a small metal instrument to dig dirt from beneath my nails. Once she was finished, she began to trim them with a small pair of clippers, ensuring that each of them was perfectly symmetrical. 

“If these will not grow,” She said. “Then we ought cap them with something to make them longer. Faux nails are in style.”

“I’ve never had to worry about it before,” I protested. “Why now?”

Sheena looked up at me and inhaled, opened her mouth to speak, and then close it again. I got the distinct feeling that she was planning on saying something entirely different than what followed. 

“Well, Lyra, you should take pride in your appearance. Long nails are a strong mark of feminity. You will learn to adapt these customs.”

I looked to her questioningly; the way she’d said it made it sound as if a change was coming, or perhaps I was overthinking things. After all, changes happened all the time and none of them were necessarily bad. Surely I was being paranoid. Sheena ran her fingers thorough my hair, starting at my scalp and working her way down to the ends. She nodded, satisfied that I had been using the correct oils and creams. In the beginning I had had trouble getting the texture right but things were easier now. 

“Your skin looks good,” She touched my cheek. “but you have darkness beneath your eyes, have you been sleeping enough?”

“I wake up in the night sometimes, Elder Sister,” I admitted. “I…need to void…a lot.”

“Do you? That is interesting.”

“Sometimes though it just feels like I have to go and I can’t.”

“Ah,” Sheena nodded. “Make your way to the clinic tomorrow morning, first thing. You have an infection.”

“Yes, Elder Sister.”

“You will take better care of yourself,” She warned me. “This is not an option. Are we understood?”

“Yes, Elder Sister.”

“Good,” She nodded. “Now on to more important matters.”

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She took me by the hand and led me out of the bathroom, over to the plush green couch nearest the desk. We sat down, and she took both of my hands in hers, giving me an uncharacteristically warm smile.

“Now, dear sister,” She said. “It may, or may not have escaped your attention that Elric and I have grown rather close. As you know, assuming that you have been paying attention, that the little sister does have some say in courtship. Not so much as I have over you, but your opinion is important to me, do you understand?”

“Yes, Elder Sister,” I nodded. Truthfully I hadn’t noticed anything with them. “But…I wouldn’t say anything against him, he is very nice.”

“Be that as it may, Lyra, I would fully expect to be involved with any romantic entanglements that you had, though you’d better not be having any. Elric and I are going on a date, and, as custom dictates, you will accompany us.”

“I…will?” I blushed, and my eyes darted about the room. “What…what would I even be doing?”

“You may think of it as an interview,” She said. “Decide if you like him enough to allow him into our lives in this manner, do you understand?” 

“Yes, Elder Sister,” I replied, though I certainly did not understand. I had no control over her affairs, so why did it even matter if I were there?

“Furthermore,” She said. “tomorrow, in the afternoon, you will go to room two-eighteen, east of the Octagon, do you understand?”

Instead of responding, I simply gasped, the color drained from my face as my arms went limp as I recalled that infernal ‘Little Cogs Club’. 

“No, Sheena,” I said breathlessly. “I didn’t mean…I…I mean…I…”

“Calm yourself, little sister,” She squeezed my hands. “A little rebellion is expected, especially if it means you can vent your concerns, understand?”

“Yes, Elder Sister,” I said, realizing that I was trembling. She rubbed my arm and smiled.

“I apologize, little sister, if I have been too hard on you, but alas, I wish for you to reach your full potential, whatever that may be. Now, prepare yourself for bed, understood?”

“Yes, Elder Sister,” I managed a smile and she embraced me in a brief hug before allowing me to leave the room and head back to the servant’s quarters. Jen was already there, laying on her bunk when I entered. 

I walked through wordlessly, allowing her to read, and hoped that I could simply go to sleep without a confrontation. It worked right up to the point that I crawled beneath my blankets and pulled them up to my chin, when Jen sprung from her own bed and shot over to mine, leaping atop me and pressing on the corners of my heavy blanket. I squirmed and tried to pull myself out, but it was no use, she had me.

“Who is she?” Jen asked, leaning in close.

“Who is who?!” I demanded. “Let me up!”

“Not a chance!” She laughed. I shrieked and squirmed as she pinned me down with her knee and then began to tickle my sides beneath the blanket. 

“No, no please, stop!” I begged her, which only prompted her to laugh again and continue tickling. I shrieked again and she clamped her hand over my mouth, pinning my arms with her legs as I continued to squirm. 

“The girl who left that lipstick all over you,” She said to me very plainly. “Who is she?”

“Mmmmphhh!” I shouted through her hand. I struggled to free myself enough to at least scream, but she kept her hand securely clamped over my mouth as I laid there struggling. 

“Well, whoever it is, I’m sure you’ve spoken of her to Sheena and I’m sure you’ve gotten permission!” as she spoke, she used her free hand to continue tickling as I squirmed and tears began to fall down my cheeks. There was nothing I could do to overpower her, I was helpless even as my legs kicked wildly, stunted by the weight of her lower body pressing against mine. Suddenly, she stopped tickling and gave me a very serious look. “If you haven’t told her, you ought. I’m not going to tell on you, Lyra, because as her little sister you should know by now. I simply don’t wish to see you hurt. Not that she would hurt you…much.”

She released my mouth and rose from the bed, I gasped uncontrollably and rolled off the bunk, falling to the floor with a thud at her feet.

“I’ll tell her!” I managed to force out between gasps. “What’s wrong with you?!”

“I’m trying to keep you from trouble,” She said. “Since you can’t seem to do it yourself.”

As I writhed on the floor, with her standing above me, hands on her hips, there came a knock at the door. Jen snickered and stepped to the front of the room, sliding the door open to reveal three girls, all dressed in white bed clothes.

“Might you keep it down?” She asked, looking from Jen, then to me on the floor. “Some of us need our beauty sleep.”

“I’m sorry!” I gasped. “She’s touched in the head!”

“Aye? Well, Jen, if you plan to kill Sheena’s sister might you do it in the day, and where there are no witnesses to the act?”

“I do apologize,” Jen smiled as I managed to crawl to the side of the bed and bury my head in the mattress. “Lyra is seeing someone without her sister’s permission.”

“Oh,” The girl said, looking back to the others behind her, then back to me. “Well, rest in peace then.”

The girls left us and Jen closed the door, the latch clicked and she turned to me.

“Tell her,” Jen said to me sternly. “You’ve been at this long enough to know what happens if you defy her. You don’t want her to get creative.”

“But she told me I can’t see anyone!” I protested as I pulled myself up onto bed and trembled. “What am I supposed-”

“If that is her prerogative then you should respect it,” Jen plopped down onto her bunk and laid back. “But, ultimately, it isn’t my job to tell her.”

“She won’t find out,” I said, laying back. “I’ll be careful.”

“As you say,” Jen laughed. “Just remember that I tried to help you.”

I slammed my head against the pillow, garnering another giggle from Jen who simply flicked the light switch, plunging us into a relative darkness. After a few moments, a dull light began to fill the room, emitted by the Arctesonite powered lamps from the hallway as it softly penetrated the frosted glass pane in the upper third of the door. There had been brief talk of a curtain, but Jen and I had both come to the conclusion that we liked the soft light. I laid there for a while, letting my eyes adjust to the room until the ceiling finally came into view. 

Reaching up above the blanket, I rubbed my eyes and then wiped them with the fabric, thinking too hard on the events of the past few months. Sheena, my sister. The family she’d given up for me; all things that I’d never asked for but received anyway. How did I feel about it? As the light adjusted to my eyes, I saw Jen across from me, very much not asleep; in fact, her eyes were wide open, staring in my direction.

“What is the matter, little Lyra?” She asked me softly. “You look positively devastated.”

“Nothing,” I said, choking back the flood of emotions that was beginning to overtake me. “I’m…I’m just tired.”

“Aye? Go to bed then, unless it’s a different kind of tired you speak of.”

I laid there with my eyes closed, squeezed shut to block out the light, but the next time I opened them, she was still staring at me. 

“I don’t know who I am,” I said quietly. “she…she controls everything I do. I don’t have time to be a person. I’m…I’m suffocating.”

“And did you tell her that?”

“I can’t talk to her about things like that!” I protested. “I…she’ll be angry and…I won’t be a good sister.”

“I think, little Lyra,” She said to me. “you will find that if you communicate with her, she will accommodate you far better than you think.”

“But-”

“Go to sleep little Lyra, and tomorrow, speak with your sister.”

I fell silent and tried to allow the darkness to overtake me as thoughts assaulted my every attempt to sleep. I wanted to be the perfect little sister but there was this other part of me that wanted to make my own decisions - the decisions that Sheena had taken from me the day she had declared me her sister. But hadn’t the choices already been taken by Lady Jenwise? Had they been taken by circumstance? Who should I be angry with? Who should I blame for the circumstance? Part of me wanted to blame myself, the boy still inside, buried somewhere. Part of me wanted to blame Sheena for assuming that I would want to form this bond with her. That I would truly desire the societal responsibilities that came with the Rossi name - whatever it was worth at this point. But what if she hadn’t done that for me? What if she’d simply allowed the High Lady to go through with her plan? Where would I be now? Who would I be? Would I even be alive? I imagined myself locked away in one of my father’s dungeons deep within the city of Slose, capitol of Axock, forced to undergo countless tortures as he tried to regain the identity of his son. Sheena had saved me from that, hadn’t she? She had made sure that I had remained here, in Auglire. Also, who the hell was naming these cities? 

“Lyra,” Jen said. I opened my eyes to see her watching me still. “You’re whimpering. Come here.” 

I put up no protest and wordlessly pulled back my blanket and crossed the cold floor as Jen lifted her blanket so that I could climb into the bunk with her. 

“Lyra,” She said as I laid with my back to her, nestling against her warmth as she wrapped the blanket about me. “You are safe, you are loved. That is what matters now. Let us sleep, little Lyra.”

And so we slept. I drifted off, allowing my surroundings to become faint as I became lost in the warmth of Jen’s body heat and the all-encompassing sanctuary of the blankets. For a moment, just a moment, all of my worries could be forgotten. And then it happened.

I found myself there again, surrounded by those deep green trees in an endless forest, a sack cloth dress died purple, a rope tied about my waist. 

Liminality. 

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