Chapter 45: Chapter 43: Who Am I?

The meeting was going by agonizingly slow for Lilith. She honestly felt bad for how little attention she was paying; no matter what, she couldn’t get her mind off of the thought she had.

At some point during everything, Eve had started permanently sharing her senses with Carmen and Lilith, but Lilith barely noticed when she did. She was barely paying attention to what her own body was sensing at the moment, so Eve’s senses just quietly slid into place. That was the downside of having multiple sets of senses; you got used to ignoring everything that wasn’t important from most of them, and apparently when you got really distracted that “most” changed to “all”.

Hey, seriously, what’s up? I can tell it’s Mae talking, not you, so…out with it. I’ll read your mind if I have to. I’m getting seriously worried. Kali’s mental message came with a certain amount of force, smashing through Lilith’s thoughts and forcing her to pay attention.

Sorry about that. Kali said, apparently having noticed Lilith was now listening. You weren’t responding.

Um…I realized I could potentially turn back into a guy using Eldritch Abomination.

Oh. Yeah, that’d do it. I’ll help break this up and get you some time. Give me a few minutes.

Lilith wasn’t exactly sure how Kali did it, but soon everyone save her Parallels and Kali was out of the room.

“Alright, do you guys know the situation?”

Mistress is currently thinking about becoming a man again. Mae responded.

Kali nodded. “That’s the long and the short of it. And…well, I guess I’m really just here to help if it’s necessary, and to keep people out, but I’m more than willing to answer any questions or help walk you through things. All you need to do is ask.”

“Thank you.” Carmen said. “Also, let it be known that, no matter what Lilith decides, I’m staying a woman. In a sense I was born like this, and I happen to be rather attached to this form.”

“I’ll be staying a girl too. Um…shock value and all that.” Eve said, rather unconvincingly.

I’m completely ambivalent. Mae added. Whatever mistress…master? Whatever my liege chooses is what I’ll be.

And I’m ambivalent as well. Nuwa said. Hardly matters to me regardless.

Hearing Mae call her master made Lilith feel strange. Why was that so weird? It wasn’t like she’d even been a woman all that long, but it had already grown comfortable to her. And…deep, deep down, as much as she wanted to say otherwise, it felt right. Right in a way that couldn’t have just come from magic making transformations feel comfortable. Even so…

Lilith shot Kali a pleading look. “C-can you take off the magic that’s making me alright with being a woman? The one that’s with all transformations? I feel like it’s confusing me, and I think I need a clearer head to try and deal with this.”

Kali fidgeted in place. “Um…I…kind of can’t. There…isn’t any. Never has been, either.”

Lilith felt like she’d been punched in the gut. It…wasn’t magic that was making her fine with this? That was letting her be happy like this?

And…she was happy. Happier than she had been in a long while. Before everything had happened, she was listless, floundering about without a clear goal or direction other than survival. But now, there was something for her to do. People needed her, and she was actively making a difference in the world.

But…this wasn’t her original body, the one her parents had given her. Was it alright to just throw that away? She wasn’t supposed to be like this, right? It was just…a quirk of transformation, random chance.

The magic was gone. No, there never was magic. Why had she just let it be for so long? Why did it feel right like it did? Things had just stopped making sense, and it was really, really tempting to just…go back to being Lucas and put everything in a box.

But, on the other hand, it’d be such a pain to go back now. The entire world knew her as a woman, and she’d have to make another announcement just to let everyone know. That or just live a double life, being a woman in public and a man in private.

That…didn’t sit right with her. If she was going to do it, she’d have to commit. All or nothing. But it was such a big decision to make. What would her friends and family think?

Carmen laid a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, you’re not alone here. Let’s think this through, OK? What’s your motivation for going back?”

“I was born that way?”

Carmen nodded. “Alright, what else?”

“It’s…easier to just forget about all of this?”

Carmen gave her a sharp look. “Not happening.” She said. “If you do that, it’s going to eat away at you for the rest of our very, very long life. Think, is there anything else?”

Lilith sighed. She didn’t think Carmen would allow that, but it had been worth a try. She thought, and thought hard, but…that…that was it. Lilith…didn’t have any strong feelings, other than that. “Um, I guess that’s it.”

“And why would you want to stay as you are?” Carmen prompted.

“Um…I get to keep being in a relationship with Kali?” Lilith replied. She was shocked to realize just how much the prospect of losing that relationship hurt. They had been dating for barely two weeks, but…it didn’t feel like that. It felt like they had been dating for a very, very long time, and the thought of willingly abandoning that tore at her.

“Don’t worry about that.” Kali said. “I swing both ways. I’m after the person, not the body.”

Lilith gave a sigh of relief. “Then…it would be an enormous pain to let everyone know I’ve gone back to my old body.”

“Let’s ignore that one for a bit.” Carmen said. “This decision should not be based on what others think. But…old body? Not just your body?”

Lilith froze. “You’re…right. I…think of this as my body. Not…how I used to be. And, um…I…think I’m happy like this? It…doesn’t really matter to me so…I guess…why go through the effort?”

“That’s right!” Eve proclaimed. “If it requires extra effort for no benefit, then you shouldn’t do it!”

Hearing someone else (for a given value of someone else) say that struck something in Lilith. If it didn’t matter to her, why was she bothering? And, she shouldn’t be basing this on what others thought, or even what she herself thought she should be, provided what she was felt right. Why did it matter what she was born as? This was who she is, and she was happy. And that was enough.

Perhaps, in the future, she may decide to go back, temporarily or permanently, but right now she was a woman. And…that was OK.

“You’re…right!” She said brightly. “If I’m happy, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters! I don’t see myself being any happier as a guy, so why bother? Extra work for no benefit!”

Kali gave her a hug. “That’s right. And, if in the future, you think you’d be happier as a guy, then I’ll support you completely. Do you…want to tell everyone or would you rather just go on as if this never happened?”

“Let’s tell everyone.” Lilith said firmly. “I’m sure they’ll be glad to know, too. Some of them are probably worrying about me in the back of their mind.”

“Got it, I’ll call everyone in.”

She left the room, and Lilith turned back to Eve and Carmen.

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“Come here, you two.” She said, opening her arms. “I…well, thanks. You…really helped me figure things out there.”

Carmen came in obediently, but Eve huffed slightly. “It-it’s only natural. If you get depressed because of this and something bad happens, it’ll affect us too, so of course we’d help you with whatever you need.”

She let herself into the hug anyway. They kept themselves like that in silence until, about a minute later, everyone filed back in.

“Honey, are you alright?” Jessica asked. “Kali said you needed a bit of space after what happened, and Siph said you didn’t need it last time, so I’m just worried.”

Lilith gave her a smile. “I am. I…realized that I could potentially be a guy again using Eldritch Abomination, and I had to take some time to work through that. But, I did, and I realized that…I don’t need to. I’m happy as I am, so changing is pointless for the time being. Things might change later, and I know this is…not exactly the body you gave me when you had me, but I think I’m going to be a woman for now. As my choice, not because it’s forced on me.”

Mike smiled back. “Kid, it doesn’t matter if we “gave” you that body or not, you’re still our child, and that’s all that matters. If you want to be a girl, be a girl. No big deal.”

Siph nodded. “We love you, no matter what. C’mere.” She held out her arms, and Lilith stepped into them, giving her a hug as well. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. Just be yourself, alright?” Siph said, giving Lilith a kiss on the forehead.

Lilith let herself be held for a few moments longer before letting go of the hug and facing everyone else.

“Hey, birdbrain,” Anna said, walking over to Lilith and giving her a noogie. “It’s none of our business what you decide to be, so stop looking like you need our approval. But, I’m gonna support you with this come what may. I’m sure everyone else feels the same.”

“Don’t even sweat it.” Alex added. “It’s not like you’re the first one here to decide this, so stop being so worried. No one thinks less of you for it.”

There were some approving nods from everyone else, and it felt like a weight that Lilith hadn’t really realized she was carrying had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt giddy, drunk on everyone’s goodwill.

“Thanks!” She said brightly, “You all have no idea how much this means to me.”

Kali laughed. “I don’t know why you think it’d turn out any other way.”

Lilith nodded happily. And, for the first time since she picked up Vithi’s lamp, she felt truly at peace. She was surrounded by people she loved and trusted, and she had finally put to rest the thing that had been looming in the back of her mind these past few months. Really, life couldn’t get much better.

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Winston’s heart hammered in his chest as he stared at the blade in Elenoa’s hand. The first time she had struck him, it hurt more than anything he had ever felt in his long, long life. And then, he had dutifully described to her the sensation, and even suggested ways to improve the weapon.

The thought made him sick. The second time she had struck him it hurt even worse than it did the first time.

But…it also cleared the fog in his head that he hadn’t even realized was there. He wasn’t sure why it did that; perhaps the pain was enough to blow it away. But most likely she had some sort of magic absorbing material forged into the sword. He…seemed to recall suggesting that, but the past few days were a bit fuzzy. There was a constant buzzing in the back of his mind; it ebbed over time, but the moment she hit him with the sword again it was back at full force. Even her healing hadn’t done much to alleviate it, despite his HP showing up as “full”.

Now that he could think clearly…well, clearer, he was becoming more and more certain. This Elenoa was not the same person he had pledged his life to, metaphorically speaking. She was still physically the same person, but her personality had…changed. The Elenoa he knew would never perform human experimentation, much less for some petty grudge.

Still…when had things gone wrong? He couldn’t really pinpoint it, but his best guess would have to be sometime near the end of the war or the period following it. That was around when his memory started getting fuzzier, which he could only assume was her doing. She had to have been planting small bits of spells here and there over time, gradually eroding at his ability to realize what was happening and magnifying his loyalty further than it should reasonably go.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have a way out. He was still new to being a Perfect Chimera when he had sworn allegiance to her, and like an idiot he’d pledged on his status as a Perfect Chimera. He hadn’t properly grasped what his nature as a fae could do, especially when entering into a magical contract.

He wasn’t sure if leaving now would strip him of his status as a Perfect Chimera, but that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. If it came down to it and Elenoa tried something really stupid using him, he’d disobey, but until then he could only wait and pray.

There was hope, though. The High Arbiter, apparently, was able to annul contracts of any variety. Which meant that, were she somehow able to know of his predicament, she could help.

It was too bad that he couldn’t contact her. Not only did he not have a way to do so, he was pretty sure asking her to remove him from the contract would count as breaking it. He’d have to figure out some way to let her know, but…how?

The blade came down again. Searing, white-hot pain lanced through Winston and he could feel his arm come clean off. There wasn’t even any resistance; the blade just swept through like his arm was made of water.

For a while, his world was nothing but pain. Elenoa said something, but he couldn’t make it out. There was some shuffling, the vague sensation of magic, some sound he couldn’t bring himself to care about, and then nothing. Nothing but him and the pain.

So, he sat there. Praying to…well, nothing in particular. Just praying that the pain would go away, that it would all be over, that he would be done. The pain didn’t go away. Not immediately. Eventually, it began to settle back into that all too familiar buzzing, and he was once again able to actually pay attention to what was happening around him.

Kali was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, casually thumbing through a book. When she noticed his gaze, she slipped a bookmark into the book and closed it. “You rang?”

“What?” He croaked. His mouth was raw. Had he been screaming?

“You were praying to nothing, and all prayer with an invalid address is redirected to me. So, you want it to stop? Want to leave and be free again?”

He looked around, hesitant to say anything for fear of breaking his contract.

“Heard you loud and clear. Alright, you want out, you just have to follow my instructions. Listen closely, OK?”

He…hadn’t said anything, so she must be reading his mind. Best just to let his thoughts wander, then. It wasn’t his fault if his inner monologue so happened to be read by an outside party. So long as he wasn’t actively trying to communicate, there was no problem, surely.

“Kay, so, Elenoa’s got you on some pretty nasty stuff. That spell you’re under is recursive, meaning each time that nasty sword of hers wipes it out, it just comes right back a few days later. That’s the buzzing you’re so unhappy about. She’s been working on entwining the spell with your contract, and right now it’s close enough that it’s practically baked into the thing. Unfortunately, my hands are kinda tied at the moment. I can’t remove it without removing the contract as well, and if we did that, she’d raise a huge stink and Lilith and I’s reputation would plummet. I…can’t really afford that at the moment, given we’ve just revealed ourselves, which leaves us in a bit of a sticky situation.”

Winston frowned. Did that mean there really wasn’t a way out for him?

“Chin up, Winnie.” Kali said. “I didn’t say it was an impossible situation, just sticky. All we need to do is gather enough evidence to prove her gross misconduct, and then have an unbiased third party get it out there so we can break you free. I’ve got a plan, but I’m gonna need your consent for it to work. Otherwise the whole thing goes up in flames.”

He once again refrained from any commentary. It would be nice, sure, but that would also be breaking his contract. So, much as he would like to, he really couldn’t just up and say yes.

Kali nodded sagely. “I got you. Don’t worry about it, a vastly superior entity is attacking you in a weakened state. You couldn’t put up enough resistance if you tried. It’s completely out of your hands.”

She walked over, placing a hand on his chest. There was a white light, then…nothing. “We’ve got about two minutes before your memory of our little conversation here is wiped, so I’ll make it brief. I’ve embedded a spell within your heart. It’s technically not cast on you, but on a small bead of mana I put into you. If you even get nicked by that sword again, it’s gonna lap up that bead of mana, and the switch I put into the spell’s gonna activate, transmitting a recording of everything that’s happened to you since I cast that spell to all of the other Perfect Chimeras save for Lilith, as well as the Council and several leaders from Earth. All you have to do is not put up a futile resistance against a vastly superior power. Just conserve your strength so it’s better spent in service of your master, got it?”

He was puzzled as to why the High Arbiter wasn’t on the list. She seemed like an important person to have in the know. But, far be it from him to know the whims of a being so far above him.

“Knowing her, she’d want to jump in and annul everything the moment she got it, and that’d ruin things. We have to give it time for everyone to process first. Now, memory wipe’s gonna kick in soon, so I gotta jet. That particular spell is linked to your obedience spell, so just don’t try and remember after she hits you again. Just let it go, it’ll come back once you’re free. Later!” And with that, she was gone.

Winston winced as the buzzing briefly intensified. He really hated the aftermath of these little testing sessions with Elenoa. But he didn’t have a way out, so he just had to bear with it, and hope that eventually Elenoa came to her senses.

He wasn’t holding his breath.