Chapter 170: 170 Episode 149: Repentance

"Genet... I have something to tell you."

stop Jeanette from going to the kitchen

I'll tell you everything.

In the first place, I'm not in a position to think about anything like that.

If Jeanette knows all about my past...

If I know that I have made many people unhappy as a swindler in Japan... I won't be able to stay here. It's only natural that there's no one in the world who wants to keep such a villain by his side.

The reason I can be here now... ...is because I'm a rare liar.

without saying a word It's because he's always pretending not to know.

It's because I'm riding on their good intentions without hesitation.

I guess so...

Who do you like to be with... ...criminals?

"Tell me... Listen,"

If you're out of your mind, hold back your gaze and fix it.

keep one's eyes on Jeanette's face

"...yes,"

After a good pause, Jeanette smiled softly.

He was always relieved with that smile.My heart creaked.

"Well, I'll make you some tea." I'll get ready right away, so please sit down and wait."

"What..."

Jeanette went into the kitchen before she could say, "I don't care if I have tea."

...... Oh, yeah.

For now, I'll sit in a suitable seat.

I thought I made a random choice, but it turned out to be the last seat in the dining room that I always like to sit in.

It's definitely the most relaxing place.

`... Whoo!'

My heart still aches, but my strained, almost broken heart, has eased a little.

Let's take a break... my heart is going wild and I can't rest well.

pump oxygen into the head

Then, think it over.

About me, from now on... from now on, from now on, from now on...

"... I'll tell you everything."

......and entrust everything to Jeanette.

To be honest, I can't decide for myself anymore.

I was underestimating myself.

No, I've had the courage to keep that's what I've been doing.

No one will be in trouble if I'm gone. I was a little lonely at first, but I was going to assume that... that's how the world goes about.

That would make me feel better.

But Loretta and Magda deny it.

At least there are people who are sad that I'm gone... Why... I'm sure there are. It's not just one or two, it's...

However, it is unforgivable that I should never have had a past here... to live a peaceful life in this sunlit house.

I'm stuck in all directions.

get stuck in one's thoughts and start going around in circles

"Mr. Jiro, go ahead."

Jeanette, who is back, puts tea in front of me. Put your own cup of tea and sit across from me.

This may be the last time I've ever sat face to face like this.........no, I'm sure it will be.

If I tell you everything...

have a cup of tea

Warm, fragrant tea warms the stomach.

But he didn't calm me down to a stir in my heart.

「…………」

「…………」

Jeanette is sitting in front of me without saying anything.

They're waiting for my story.

They are waiting quietly and softly for me to start talking, without pressing me, without getting bored, without rushing or pressing me.

It's no use keeping silent.

...I've got to finish it.

I'll drink tea again and I'll open my mouth.

"………………What if?"

...what if?

Huh? What am I saying?

"...if your acquaintance...that's very close...for example, someone who has such a close relationship with you."

It's weird...

What's wrong with me?

"...if he had done wrong in the past..."

What's this analogy...

What on earth am I talking about?

"Then......what about you?"

My heart is constricted and my stomach suddenly feels heavy.

As if swallowed by a muddy stream, I can't feel my freedom and I can's hard to breathe.

Time goes by... the heavy atmosphere... the illusion of being isolated from the world.

"... evil?"

Without surprises or distractions, Jeanette speaks quietly.

However, the usual innocent brightness was not there, and I could clearly understand that they were taking it seriously.

"Yes... for example...."

Not for example, but...

"...a swindler, and so on.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

If possible, I'd like to take me out right now and give it a good beating.

Taemae, I want to curse you not to be silly.

No matter how much Jeanette, you'll have a good idea who this silly analogy is referring to. I'm not that stupid.

But I'm going to be ashamed to the very end of my life, like this... I'm going to have a hard time of it's going to be a disaster.

What a disgrace!

"...what if,"

Jeanette spoke as she sank into self-loathing and began to feel deeply disappointed with herself, feeling nauseous and angry at herself.

But it wasn't the answer, it was the question.

"What would Mr. Jiro do if he were not really the kind of person that Mr. Jiro would like to be?"

It's very similar to the silly analogy I made...

"... for example, if a person who works with Mr. Yashiro had committed a crime in the past."

But unlike my unfathomable analogy...

"...if he had committed the crime of eating and running."It was a shocking confession.

Jeanette... Eating and running?

It's like living in this opposite world of malice... Jeanette.

I must have looked very stupid. Jeanette giggles.

But the smile oozed immeasurable loneliness.

"There are some differences, but in the act of living, sins are born in some people. If you have nothing to do with it, and you can live without committing any crime, that would be very happy."

a proselytizing ginet

But it made me feel dark as if I were telling myself.

Jeanette takes the cup and drinks tea quietly.

Then, holding the cup in his hands, he began to speak slowly.

"A girl is to be taken in by the church. She was about three years old. I didn't know where she was before that, what kind of environment she was born and raised in... what kind of people her parents were and what they thought they would let go of her... I didn't know at all. She was dumped in the wetlands."

Wetlands...

No human being can approach that place where there are so many frogs.

Throwing a child away there... can be seen as a clear sign of "I don't need this child anymore."

I went all the way to the wetlands for that purpose... ...no way, I threw it over the cliffs of the thirtieth leg."

The horrible imagination lathers my whole skin.

But I don't care about it now. I'm more concerned about how the abandoned girl has lived since then than about how she was abandoned.

While the slight confusion remains, he turns his eyes to Jeannette, keeping his mind straight.

Perhaps waiting for it, Jeanette spoke again when she met her eyes.

"In church, we don't hide from our church. I'll tell you everything in the past. Of course, considering the child's mental state, the timing of his speech is somewhat shifted..."

Once again, he puts his mouth on the cup and Jeanette drinks tea to moisten his lips.

"The girl had an ego and understood that she had been abandoned. But... I just can't remember my parents or my parents' home. The shock of being dumped may have confused my memory, but over time, my memories of the past have completely disappeared, and I'll probably never remember them again."

It may be because the mind is defending itself unconsciously.

An overly painful past rips the human mind to pieces.

The human brain sometimes fails to remember what it doesn't want to remember so that the mind doesn't break down.

Memory loss is not uncommon.

"Even though she couldn't remember, she knew she had been abandoned, and for the next two years... she didn't open her heart to anyone. even to Sister Bertina, who treated me kindly and smiled at me every day."

Didn't you even open your heart to that Bertina?"

It's hard to imagine. What a Jeanette to avoid Bertina?

"Five years old... by church convention, children are supposed to participate in social service. But it was such a simple thing as weeding and cleaning the city, and all the children enjoyed themselves together. But the girl, who would not open her heart to anyone, could not even do well in service... and she was the only one who followed Sister Bertina in another service."

Adults individually manage children who can't get along well with other children. This is often the case in elementary schools.

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Jeanette would have been treated as such a child.

"The church was doing activities to visit the homes of elderly people living alone and listen to their stories, and the girl accompanied them." And the girl, who had been locked up ever since she was taken in by the church, touched the outside world for the first time. That was the Yodamari-tei."

This must have been the house for the elderly, closest to the church.

The old man ran the business on his own.

"It smells so sweet and a lot of people are talking with smiles... and the old man who lives there is so nice to the grumpy girl that I've never seen before... ...the place looked so bright to the girl... ...dazzling and dazzling."

Those trapped in the dark seek and yearn for light.

But he who hides himself in the dark abhor, hates, and rejects the light. I don't want you to shine on yourself in the darkness.

I'm convinced that I'll be exposed to the light.

But...

"It was a place she didn't like so much... at the same time, she began to yearn for it."

Turning your back means you're always conscious of it... it's the other side of your longing.

I admit that I can't make it, so I have to pretend not to see it.

However, as long as you turn your eyes away and say "I won't see it," you always have "it" in your mind, and the more you avoid it, the more your longing swells.

"And one day... the girl left the church and headed for the Yodamari-tei." It wasn't a long way from now on, but for a girl at that time, going out of the church alone and heading to the uninvited Yodomitei seemed as much of an adventure as going round the world."

Escape... It's surprising that Jeanette was such a drastic girl.

Come to think of it, I don't know anything about him.

I've come to know that now.

"In church, I couldn't open my heart to adults and children, and I thought this was not my place... ...the girl."

「…………」

"That's why I'm sure it was like... being attracted to a bright place." At any rate, the girl walked -- walked -- and came to the Yodamari-tei

Suddenly Jeanette twists and looks to the entrance of the shop.

I look over there, too.

... did he stand there and look inside in secret, or did that little Jeanette.

"But I couldn't get in,"

Turning again, Jeanette smiles faintly.

"Money... I didn't have it."

"...huh,"

It's short... it makes a short sound that doesn't even sound like "yes."

Even though it was such a short sound, I felt as if I had spoken too much.

I felt uncomfortable, as if I had cut into the wrong place.

Therefore, I wait silently for the continuation of the conversation.

I was worried about where to turn my gaze, but... anyway, I waited quietly for the next one.

"Yodamari-tei... was a very bright place. And... it smelled very good."

The girl, who had lost her place, must have been dazzling to see this place crowded with regular customers.

A nice smell... Well, I know.

It's not just the smell of cooking.

When I first came here... there was a nice smell coming from the Yodamari-tei... well, it was a very nostalgic smell.

It was a warm, gentle wrap... not just the smell of delicious-looking rice... it smelled like a happy home.

"I can't get into the store, but I don't have a place to go back... Hmm, I guess you really thought that way at the time... I was wandering around the store with that feeling in mind when I found a small hole in the back of the store." There was a small hole in the old wall that a child could bend down and pass through."

The first time I visited the hotel, the sunlit house was quite dilapidated. I wouldn't be surprised if the walls were decaying and brittle, broken boards and perforations.

Then the child sees and passes through those holes.

"Somebody may find you. You might get in trouble. That fear was then driven away somewhere... ...and the girl explored the courtyard... ...and found the pantry."

The church could not have been as wealthy as it is now.

Even when I first came here, it was lonely and almost collapsed.I don't think the church in those days had enough economic power to feed Jeanette to the brim.

Moreover, Jeanette had previously said that abandoned children did not eat out of restraint.

That's how impoverished he was, I suppose.

And Jeanette, who says she didn't open her heart to anyone, must have... refused to eat.

Come there, it's the pantry of the Yodamari-tei."

"I didn't feel guilty. But I was attracted to the food in front of me... the girl touched it. I ate like I was possessed by something. And...."

Jeanette was found by her grandfather.

"...I thought my heart would stop. The girl panicked and said something... not a word... she really couldn't say anything, and by the time she found herself running. After all, the place where I ran away was the church."

Even adults panic when they are found guilty.

Even a man who opens up and harms others will end up committing atrocities as a result of panic. Then the feelings of sinners... fear.

To escape the fear, a person can be brutal to the bitter endlessly.

The regrets that follow, however, are indescribable.

"I regretted it. I had left the church, I had gone to the Yodamari-tei, I had crept into the courtyard... and I had eaten secretly... and the girl was so anxious and anxious that I couldn't sleep a wink that day."

No church can be called a friend even if it's run back.

It must have been quite hard.

"In the end the day broke when I couldn't sleep a wink... when I got out of the bedroom to wash my face... there was an old man in the church." And I was talking to the Sister... ...then the girl thought... ...that she could throw it away again."

Jeanette must have been more afraid of solitude than anyone else, keeping her out of the loop and putting herself in solitude.

And he knew exactly how serious his crimes were.

"But... ...the girl's intentions are off the mark." And..."

Suddenly Jeanette burst into laughter.

"Something unexpected happened."

The next day, the old man began donating money to the church.

Now Jeanette's breakfast donation is said to have started at that time.

"The girl couldn't understand... one day she ventured to ask her grandfather. 'Why don't you keep silent when you know everything?' 'Why don't you get angry with me?'"

Then the old man replied as follows.

'I'll feed the hungry to delicious food. That's the work of the dining-room.'

Soon after, Jeanette began to go to the Yodamari-tei to help, and was formally taken in at the age of twelve.

By that time, I had become quite open-minded and friendly with Bertina, my old man, and anyone in the city.

"Mr. Jiro, as long as you live, you commit crimes. And I feel sorry for it and I feel sorry for it. That's why churches listen to people's confessions. It can be a salvation."

"But..."

Yes, if it's your kind of guy, that's fine.

By repentance, you have the right to live a new life.

But...

"What if he had committed a crime so unforgivable as to confess? He had caused so much trouble to others, deprived them of their happiness and tranquility, and hated by so many people... that he would feel forgiven enough to confess and start his life again?" You can't accept it, can you?"

become increasingly vocal

It's embarrassing...

I found myself clenched with my clenched fist against the table.

"...there's a guy who shouldn't be allowed...but..."

Gently... Jeanette's hand rests on my fist.

He gently wraps his tightly clenched fist... a warm hand.

"No, Mr. Jiro."

A quiet voice permeates the body.

"I confess not to be forgiven for my sins."

Slowly arrange words so as to convey every word carefully.

"I confess that I may not forget... that I may face my sins by not forgetting, and that I may forgive myself someday."

"I'll never forget my sins, and I'll forgive myself."

"Yes. People confess in order to look straight at the future.

Confession always begins with telling one's own lips about one's sins.

a sense of guilt and deep remorse...

Isn't forgiveness something that is given to others?

"I still make a lot of course. There are many things I learned from Mr. Yashiro."

The hand that envelops my fist gives me a lot of strength comes into my hand.

"Me, too... the girl who once committed the crime... is still immature, but she lives hard now. I'm looking straight at the future."

I... turned away from the future... turned away from the past... and now I'm trying to run away.

"If I could reach the person in Mr. Yashiro's analogy... I would like to say this."

Let go and Jeanette folds her hands in front of her chest.

In a prayerful pose with her eyelids closed, Jeanette said what she often heard.

"... repent,"

In the end, Jeanette didn't give me a clear answer.

As long as I cannot forgive my sins, my sins will last forever......

Forever...

We have a ceremony tomorrow.

We can't keep Jeanette up late any longer.

He's always in the habit of falling asleep before nine.

"Good night, Mr. Yashiro."

After a inconclusive discussion, Jeanette bowed to me and headed for her room.

Then, as he left, he left the following words.

"See you tomorrow."

Oh, my God... How easy it is to understand when you change your position.

"Oh, see you tomorrow."

These short words, less than a cross, soothed my anxiety.

Jeanette returns to her room and is alone again.

Even if I think about it, I can't get an answer.

I can't even leave it to Genet.

If there were any trouble at the ceremony tomorrow... I could put the answer on hold without thinking about it...

I went back to my bedroom, thinking of nothing.

And the next day. The ceremony ended without a hitch.

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