Chapter 2: 0.2 – Prologue

Content warning: domestic abuse

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Noah started to pass out and remember what he once heard that your life flashes by you when you die, but now experiencing it himself, because even though he wished it weren't the case he knew he was dying, it was apparent to him you only see your regrets.

While his life wasn't perfect, he didn't have many regrets, Noah did his best and even though his start point was one for which very few would envy him, he was still able to make something of himself. He tried to help people, but didn't overcommit because he was afraid of being seen as nosy and creepy. Practicing Muay Thai to make sure he would never feel helpless again made him feel safe. Well... after killing his father.

'Noah Michael Evans, murdering his dad brought out the best in him' he imagined what his epitaph could be and it made him chuckle this time there was no pain, in fact he didn't feel anything.

‘This is how it ends, huh?’

He saw his regrets, with the main character in all of them being the same, his dad. The first memory he saw started idyllic: a family of 4 sitting around the table laughing and joking, all suddenly stopped.

'I remember we heard dads car parking in the driveway' hearing that Toyota Corolla always sucked every spark of joy we felt.

He regretted when his dad beat Lisa for putting makeup on Noah, he regretted when his dad stripped Kathy and kicked her out in the garden for wetting the bed.

'When you act like an animal you should live like one' he couldn’t hear his father's voice but the memory was so vivid in his mind, he might as well have.

He regretted when his dad beat his mother for letting his sister back in, he regretted when his dad beat Kathy for asking to sleepover at her best friends place, he regretted when his dad threw an ashtray at his mother leaving her with a scar she had to cover with makeup from that day forward, he regretted when his dad beat all of them for being to loud when he watch TV, he regretted when his dad beat Lisa for... he didn’t even remember why he beat her.

He regretted...

He regretted...

He regretted...

He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted...He regretted…

'But, Why?!' Noah asked reproachfully nobody in particular 'I was just a child I couldn't do anything, NO! Me doing something would have made things worse'.

Noah actually knew why he regretted all those things. He should stop lying to himself at least in his last moments.

'It's because I didn't try... it's because I just accepted it without fighting back... maybe it would have been worse, but I wouldn't have been helpless' if Noah's body was still functioning he would have started to cry.

As all the emotions washed over him and he tried to figure out what they meant he saw what should be his last regret.

It was his 15th birthday, they were all celebrating, Noah, Kathy, Lisa and his mother, Amelia. For whatever reason his fathers car did not stop their laughter on that day. As he came in he started screaming. We were enjoying spending HIS money, having fun without HIM, being angry that nobody respected HIM in HIS own house. 

Amilia tried to calm him down and ask him to celebrate with us. A harmless request one might think, but he wouldn't allow HIS own wife telling HIM what to do.

Wherever or whatever Noah was right now, it allowed him to see everything from a different point of view. It felt strange being everywhere and nowhere at once. He saw how the women were scared the moment the question left my mother's lips and it took Noah looking at his father to realize what was about to happen.

"How dare you tell me what to do?!", his fathers voice was clear right now, as if he was back on that day "I am good enough to bring money home and feed you, without expecting anything in return and you can't even wait for me long enough before making this mess and celebrating that one getting older" he pointed at Noah.

Noah's father knocked the table over and started to choke his wife

"Am I just a dog to you that brings money and food home and is good for nothing else?" he asked through clenched teeth the children looked away knowing what was about to happen, but he let Amelia go and screamed "I am the man of this house and I expect to be respected!" 

Kathy and Lisa nodded when he looked at them, his head snapped to Noah wanting to see the same "respect" in Noah's eyes but when he looked at his son he saw him staring back. Not staring back. Looking through him. This confused his father for a few seconds before his anger flared once again.

"Do. You. Have. Something. To. Say?" emphasising every word he closed in on his son who still had the same look in his eyes, but Noah was not listening but finally understanding what kind of "man" this guy before him was.

'This man, he wanted to be respected, but nobody did, he wasn't smart or skilled, he wasn't a good person and..." taking a closer look at him, Noah saw "he wasn't strong, so why should anybody respect him? So he settled for the next best thing: fear or maybe for him they were the same. But demanding fear out there would destroy him, so he gets it in here where it's safe. This makes him feel like a man because a man should be respected especially by his family'.

Coming to this conclusion this person before that he saw as a monster that could not be defied, seemed tiny, insignificant, pathetic really. To Noah it felt like he solved a puzzle that was bugging him since he could think and coming up with the solution to why this person was the way he was, filled him with relief.

The dying Noah saw how his Sisters and Mother looked at him in confusion. What possible reason could he have to be satisfied in this situation?

Noah came to himself, his father screaming in his face, not getting an answer he lifted his son by his collar reading for a slap he asked

"Do you want to die?!"

Noah heard his question and finally looked at his father and was surprised that they were at eye level. Noah saw his father seething with rage and thought 'maybe I could do it now’, what he imagined every time he and his sisters were crying in their beds at night, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he wanted to do. No. Had to do. Amelia felt something change in her son and tried to stop what was about to happen but she was too late.

His father's slap landed on Noah's left cheek with such force that it immediately started to swell, his father wanted to say something but before he could two hand gripped him by his throat and pushed him against the doorframe making him hit head against it leaving a sliver of blood.

Before the pain could register he was surprised, whether it was his son's unexpected strength or his stupid decision to stand up to him that stunned him for a few seconds, he would be taking that answer to his grave. His anger rose up again before it could reach its apex, he was slammed against the doorframe again. This time pain suppressed any suprise or anger he could have felt, he only tried to free himself. Before he could break free a third impact.

'William! His name was William... I remember now.'

William looked at Noah who was no longer looking through him but straight at him. At that moment William knew what would happen next.

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Not only could Noah watch his old self but he could also feel what he felt back then or to be more precise didn't feel, no anger, nor pleasure nor sadness he felt nothing, however this did not surprise him. He still remembers the tranquility he felt on that day. Instead of watching himself he watched his mother, the source of this regret, he tried to understand what she was feeling. He wished in these last moments he could also become an empath to know what his mother thought of him as he murdered his father without any kind of emotion being projected onto her.

Disgusted? Resigned? Sad? Guilty? Accepting? Afraid? Shocked? He could not tell.

 Amelia walked forward and put her hand on her son's shoulder. That's when Noah realized his father was already dead. Before turning away Noah looked at William one last time before letting go. William's body collapsed to the floor as Noah turned to his Mother .

 “We should call the police” Noah’s voice was calm, soothing even, which made his mother even more concerned.

“Are you alright? If we call the police…” 

Hear this Noah attempting to hold his mother but stopped himself seeing his bloody hands, he instead smiled.

“I’m fine I was ready for this, keeping quiet would just cause more problems”

‘Keeping quiet would just cause more problems’ hearing this sounded for Amilea like an accusation, combined with her son trying to comfort her after everything, something broke inside of her.

“I’m sorry”, tears started to stream down her face “I’m sorry… sorry” what she was apologizing for, he did not know to this day.

That’s the last thing he had to see. Noah remembered how the rest played out. The police came, a female and a male officer, when they saw the body. Instead of trying to arrest him, they tried to understand what had happened and let him change clothes before taking him with them. Thanks to his mother’s reminder he asked for a lawyer and did not talk to the police and after half a year the jury ruled on it being self-defence. The judge however demanded for me to visit a psychiatrist until he was 18. Considering what he knew about the criminal justice system and how it treated boys like him, he truly considered this outcome to be a miracle.

Noah closed his eyes waiting to go to heaven, hell or to disappear but against his expectation another regret appeared.

‘What…’ before he could finish his thought he saw an asian woman with shoulder length hair, kind eyes and a friendly smile about his own age at that time. During his first year at the University he forgot his wallet in a cafe he used to study at and another student saw it and ran after him.

“Thank you, I’m new here and everything is still very new to me” as he thanked her he looked into her eyes and saw for the first time the eyes of someone who had given up on everything.

“I was the same when I started, don’t worry everyone feels overwhelmed at first” she smiled at him over-gesticulating as she spoke, her demeanor made people around her feel at ease. But not Noah.

‘Why this?’’

After seeing her eyes everything he wanted to say got stuck in his throat.

“I-I got to go. T-Thanks again” was all he could say with a shaky voice

‘I should have talked to her’ Noah thought 

He saw himself turn around and walk away swiftly, almost running away.

Seeing the girl turn around Noah floated in front of her, however he couldn’t see her face. A shadow was cast over it as if to hide her expression. He couldn’t imagine what she felt, but even so, she still helped a stranger and tried to calm him down. And in return Noah ran away knowing full well something was wrong. He didn’t even know her name until he heard about her suicide weeks later.

‘Naomi…’

Everything went white the Tranquility from watching his 15th Birthday was gone, replaced with a mix of emotions that he could not unravel no matter how hard he tried.

‘What is this? It hurts!’ He struggled with no body against no chains but he still felt trapped, bound tightly. ‘Why am I feeling like this? I didn’t do anything wrong!’ he asked himself whether some higher power was torturing him for not helping her.

‘This is not someone else, it’s me. I’m doing this to myself’, the realization filled him with despair. He wanted to cry out for help but with no mouth how could he.  ‘Will I feel like this forever? Is this hell?’ He didn’t know how much time passed but with the pain in his chest every second felt like days. He thought he might go insane, one thought resonated in him giving him some presence of mind. ‘If I feel like this after not being able to help a stranger how would my mother feel after not being able to reconcile with her son? I HAVE TO LIVE!’

Noah woke up, gasping for air, he was still in the turned over car.

“Noah! Noah! Help will be here any second!” Lisa shouted at her brother trying to keep him conscious. Tears ran down her face because she thought she lost him when he didn’t move for a few seconds.

“Just breathe and wait for help! We will get you out of there!”

Noah struggled to free himself, he wanted to make it to his mother to apologize for ignoring her, for leaving her alone, he wanted to hear what she would say good or bad didn’t matter he just wanted closure for the both of them.

The burst of power that brought him back left him just as quickly, nothing but death waited for him, but looking at his sister his eyes lit up with gratitude he had never felt before for their ability. He focused and got Lisa’s attention, at first she was confused just as she was about to ask, she heard a gurgle followed by her brother throwing up blood.

She knew she would be the last person to talk to Noah and the only person to hear his last words. Lisa wiped the tears off her face because she had to focus, maybe god gave her this power for this very moment.

Looking at the determination in his sister’s eyes he knew she understood him. Now trying to communicate with her he flared the emotion that was burning him up from inside, he hoped that that was regret. 

Then he tried to apologize. It wasn't hard, he practised this emotion for almost a year imagining how the reunion with his mother would play out.

Lisa felt his emotions strongly and purely but couldn’t decipher them. Seeing his sister’s confusion over what his feelings could mean he felt so stupid, what he wanted to tell them was very simple.

Noah grabbed her and with a strength that risked cracking her wrist to get her attention back. He smiled straight at her and sent one last emotion through.

As he slipped into darkness Noah’s last action was filling his heart with love he had for his family.

 

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