Chapter 34: Chapter 34 – The Long Talk

Chapter 34 - The Long Talk

As the axe came down for the final time and slowly dissolved into the ether, Jax collapsed onto her hands and knees. The battle had been long, and she was absolutely exhausted. I, myself, was out of breath and sweating. Not from combat, but from the sheer effort of holding my new spell. I was experiencing a strange sort of emotion. It was akin to guilt, but not quite. I had not moved for much of the whole fight, trusting instead to Jax to do the fighting for me. I felt like an impostor. Useless. And yet, intellectually, I knew that if it were not for my healing and the visual aid from my new spell, we would both be dead. For the first time, I had embodied the role of the support mage.

A support mage with all of two spells. Well… two and a half, now. This last addition to my repertoire was something of a revelation to me. Spell add-ons? Who knew that could be a thing? Was that common knowledge or had Bline revealed something to me? Surely not. That would have been massively out of character for her. Maybe, Sherr Hess would know. In any case, I felt as though my eyes had been opened to the potential power of this spell system, and it left my head spinning from the possibilities. And I had barely scratched the surface.

Meanwhile, Jax had regained some of her breath and was now resting on her haunches. Only part of her was exposed to any sort of light. The rest only existed as outline to my eyes — the effect of my spell. For a time, I decided to leave it going, though I struggled to maintain it. I wanted to look at her.

She turned to me then, studying me even as I did her. Struggling, she regained her feet, though she displayed the twitching tremors of a person with no more left to give and too much adrenaline still in her system. Even so, she approached me. I took a breath, and gingerly, I took my first steps in what felt like ages. It was a genuine struggle for me to hold the magic and walk at the same time, but I wanted to see.

As we came to stand next to each other, we studied one another closely, curious about this new way of seeing. There were no fine details to her, the lines were not bothering with things like individual hairs and the rumples in her clothes. As for the rest, especially up close, it was so perfect as to be unreal. It was like a computer had been taught how to animate with pencils of white light. Except it was not light. Not really. They did not illuminate anything or refract off of any surfaces. No, these had to be illusions of some kind.

Curiously, Jax reached up to touch my cheek, but she hesitated and drew back.

I caught her hand, “It’s alright, Jax. I don’t mind.”

She shook her head and looked away, “I do nay…” But she stopped, and after a moment, she glanced at our joined hands and licked her lips. She did not pull away. Finally, her gaze was drawn once again to my own, and she watched me, her breath yet catching in her throat. “Yer tirin’ yer ownself… holdin’ this. Ain’t ye?”

I blinked at her. That had not been what I was expecting, but she was right. It was silly for me to keep this up when we did not need it. Chuckling shortly, I said, “Sorry, I just wanted to see what you looked like up close.”

She tsked. “Ye know me looks. I ain’t pretty. Save yer strength.” There was an unfortunate truth there. To say nothing of her current state, which was plenty, there was a lot left of her former manhood. Not that I was complaining. She could look however she wanted as far as I was concerned. Still, to my mind, she needed a boost to her self-esteem. So, I made to protest but she cut me off, “Ye can nay lie to me, Donum.”

“Maybe,” I admitted, “but there is something to be said for the way you look at me. To stir a man’s heart.”

She glanced away then, her breath quickening further. Gently, she slapped my chest, “Oh, ye… Do ye now practice yer flirtin’ on me like yer other’n?”

I grinned, “Was it a good one then?”

“Aye,” she said with bright eyes. There was a certain tremble to her voice as she continued, “It were well crafted. Now drop yer spell. It pains me to see ye struggle so.”

With a sigh, partially in regret but also with relief, I let it lapse, and the world once again returned to its natural state. I had a brief moment of dizziness as the weight of it left me, as if I had to once again regain my own body’s equilibrium. And perhaps I did.

“Be ye well?” Jax asked in concern, gripping my shoulders to keep me stable.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reassured her. “I think that’s going to take some getting used to is all.” I took a few more breaths to steady myself before asking, “What about you? Are you alright?”

She hesitated a moment, turning her head strangely before whispering, “Yer lilim awaits her reward.”

I blinked. “Uh… reward? What… What are…?”

“Donum! Please, do nay tease me!” she said, her legs giving a dangerous wobble. “It be all I can do to stand. Them rats… and yer command…”

My eyes widened as I realized what was going on, “Oh… you mean that really worked?”

“Donum!”

“Sorry, sorry…” Hastily, I brought the spell to mind… but I had a moment of hesitation. Her wounds were not fatal, though they were numerous. She could definitely use the healing, but from what I could see of her now unhighlighted expression, she was pretty keyed up. If I just let this loose, the results might be… explosive. “Jax, whatever this makes you feel, you’re going to have to suffer it quietly. I don’t know if there are more rats out there, but…” I left the rest unsaid.

“Aye, I hear. I’ll try, I will.” Slowly, she knelt before me, resting on her knees. I understood. If she could barely stand as is, then it would be best to take this from a sitting position.

“This is probably the last one of these I can manage without another infusion,” I warned before I began. “I hope it’ll be enough.”

At her silent nod, I closed my eyes to begin, but she interrupted me, “No. Not like that.” I opened them again to see her hand outstretched. She had a soulful look in her eyes, “Please… touch me.”

Seeing that, I was brought back to another time, another place, and very much a different Jax. It had been the very first time I had used the spell, and I had not known it would work fine at a distance. Jax had cringed at my offered hand and browbeaten me over the very idea of my touching him to cast it. Comparing that to the person before me… she was unrecognizable.

As I gently folded her hand into my own, I sighed and knelt beside her, “Jax…”

“Donum,” she said quickly, forestalling me, “Stuff yer gawp. I know… I know yer heart. Now know mine.” She closed her eyes for a moment to regain some control of herself before continuing, “I follow ye of me own will. I know I be different to what I were. But I like it. I like that I be changin’ to sommat else. I like… I like that it be…” she paused to clear her throat, “I like that ye care so much. But yer cares are for a dead man. He died to a spear to his belly in a tent in a forest. And be glad that he did. He’d o’ g-gutted ye like…” she choked, and turning her head to the side, she retched a bit.

“Jax?” I asked in concern, but she waved me away.

“I be fine. Just… Thinking o’ what we… what they planned fer ye…” she took a calming breath, “Anyway, he don’t matter no more. He ain’t here. I be here! And I says I got a right to exist as I be, do I not?”

I frowned, taken aback. That… was a very interesting point. And familiar. “The Tuvix problem?” I said aloud. Of all the things she could have said, to throw the damn Tuvix problem at me?

“The two what now?” she asked, perplexed.

“Tuvix. It’s… from an old story from… my homeland. You see, there were these two… uh… men of different kinds, by the names of Tuvok and Neelix, and they were uh… magically joined because of an accident. And as a result, they became a new man with some of the attributes of each, with a new personality. All blended together. At first everyone was horrified because… well, you know. Magical accident and all. Their friends had become something ‘other’, and he called himself Tuvix. You know, taking parts of the names of the people who had made him. But Tuvix was still a good person in his own way. And over time, he got used to what he was. So when, at the end of the story, his friends figure out how to reverse the accident and put him back the way he was, he said no. He had the right to live. And if they brought back their friends, he would die.”

She stared at me as I finished, thinking over what I had said. Finally, she asked, “What did they decide to do?” It was a quiet question, laced with fear and curiosity in equal parts.

“In the story, they ultimately go against his wishes and bring back their friends. But no one is happy about it. Effectively, they realize that they have to execute an innocent man in order to save the lives of two others,” I said. Honestly, it was one of the more thought-provoking episodes in an otherwise uneven and rocky series. “You see, it’s meant to show a no-win scenario. Because sometimes, there is no right answer.”

She smiled a bit then, as if relieved, “But there be a right answer here. If ye were to… somehow make me what I were… I… He would nay be a good person. There would be no winners, then. Ye would lose yer lilim. I would nay exist. And he… he would lose most of all. Because there be no one he hated more than his ownself. But… if ye let things be?” She left the thought hanging, but I filled in the blanks easily enough.

If things continued as they were, no doubt Jax would continue to change in ways that I had no way of predicting. Undoubtedly, she would become… well… more ‘lilim’. Whatever that meant. She already had claws and sharper teeth. Which was odd, but I was totally fine with it. If anything, it had helped her be a better combatant. Then, of course, there was the femininity aspect. I did not know if that trend would continue or exactly what direction it would take, but so far there had been nothing overtly bad about it.

I twisted my lips to the side as I thought about it. If she wanted to continue as things were, then really, that was all that mattered. I had no right to stand in her way. I just needed to figure out how to make sure that she developed like she wanted to.

“Alright Jax. I’ll leave it alone. I won’t… or well… I’ll try not to worry about it anymore,” I announced, finally. She sighed in relief, but I continued, “But… But I need to add one very solid command here.”

She frowned, “But ye don’t like givin’ commands.”

I nodded, “Yes, but this is to limit my own power, you see? I want you to remain…” I paused. How to phrase this properly… “I want you to always have the ability to refuse a command if you have to, alright? Like if you think it’s morally wrong or… I don’t know. If you disagree with it somehow?”

She shook her head, “That don’t sound like a good idea. I did nay want to fight just anon. We’d o’ died. You’d o’ d-die…” She gagged again and then hurriedly wiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands, “Sorry… sorry. The thought… Anyway, yer command saved us.”

That was true. And it was another thing we needed to talk about. But first I had to figure this out. Rubbing her knee to comfort her, I said, “Alright, how about this. We’ll make it a list of priorities. First, if I give you a command that you feel is incredibly foolish or would put our lives at unnecessary risk, I want to hear about. Loudly.”

Smiling at my gesture, she said, “Agreed.”

“Okay. Second, if I give you a command that you object to on moral grounds, then object. You deserve to have your voice heard, and I need to hear opposed views in order to make good decisions.”

She nodded, “I can do that.”

“Good. And three…” I took a breath. This one was important. “If I give you a command that you feel would in any way… change you — like in how you think or view the world — then I want you to reject it.”

She frowned, “No. I do nay like that one.”

I blinked, taken aback, “W-what?! But, Jax, that’s the whole thing! That’s what I’m so afraid of doing to you!”

“I understand,” she said, patting my hand in turn. “But it be too strict. Ye said ‘reject it’. I’d not have a choice, then, ye see?”

I stared. “You’re saying… that you want me to have that ability?”

She shrugged, “I been recently shown the potential. Ye still ain’t healed me, by the by.” She inhaled, her eyes fluttering for a moment as the thought resurfaced. “Oh~ The anticipation be buildin’ fierce.”

My eyes widened. Oh hell… “Uh… should we maybe take care of that before…”

“Nay,” she shook her head quickly, “let it be. It… I wanna see where it goes.” For a few moments, she shifted in place, shivering and rolling her hips before eventually settling again. There was still a hitching catch to her breath when she signaled she was ready to continue.

“Uh… did you just…?” I left the question hanging.

She barked a short laugh and shook her head slightly, “Nay… but I be very… very close.”

“What is that even like?” I asked curiously. I could not even imagine becoming impassioned to the precipice like that and then trying to hold a conversation. Something would have to give, and most likely it would be the state of my arousal.

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“Ye mean…?” she asked, and then screwed her eyes up to think on how to answer, “Mmm… I ain’t done yet, like I said afore. But right now… it be like I be swellin’ down instead of up?”

My eyeslids fluttered. That had not been what I was asking, at all. And yet… the answer made me intensely curious. “Uh…”

“No!” she said quickly. “Not until it be done.”

I sighed. For some reason, she seemed to be acutely embarrassed by the idea of showing me what was going on down there. On the other hand, I supposed that I could sympathize. I was not particularly keen on showing people my genitalia in their normal state. If it was in the process of changing into something else? Yeah, that would be weird… for several reasons. In point of fact… why had I even been thinking to ask? People do not typically make it a habit of pulling their pants down just because some pervert wants to take a peek. Maybe it was the continued and ever worsening state of our clothing situation, or maybe the fact that Hess had spent over a day with absolutely no pants on had just skewed my perception of what normal was. Either way, I needed to resort my mental proprieties.

Speaking of clothes, quickly glancing down, hers were in an unfortunate state. The rats had chewed and ripped at her pants, particularly around her ankles. At this point, they were little more than very loosely cut shorts. Her underwear top was also fairly ripped up around her shoulders, leaving the garment looking something like a grungy, off-shoulder halter top. Did women have a name for a shirt like that? If they did, it had never entered my lexicon. In any case, if we ran into too much more trouble, there was the possibility that my curiosity might be satisfied before she was ready.

If that happened, I would probably try to be the gentleman and offer up my own rather limited attire. That was what normal people were supposed to do, right? Of course, then I would be completely nude, and that would be its own can of worms. Maybe Hess would be willing to give up… my underwear. That she had stolen.

Oy… we really were going to be walking out of this Dungeon like a nudist colony. At best.

“Right. My apologies,” I cleared my throat nervously. “Uh… what were we talking about?”

“Limitin’ yer commands,” she reminded me. “And changin’ how I goes about thinkin’.”

“Right,” I sighed. “Obviously, I don’t want to do that. But you seem to think it has some potential, you said?”

She nodded, “Aye, I be likin’ this anticipation business. That were a good idea. And yer other’n… that be sittin’ in me like a fire in me veins.” She shivered again, “Aye, I’ll be the best lilim there ever were for ye, just ye watch.”

My left eyebrow twitched. I did not know if any of that was going to be good for her in the long run, but… she seemed to be embracing it. “Okay. I still want to curtail this somehow. What do you suggest?”

She twisted her lips in thought for a moment, working her jaw back and forth. Finally, she said, “I’d rather not limit ye. If ye’d givin’ me the choice, a scanty ago, as to whether I’d like to anticipate yer healin’ like this, when I be in pain, I’d o’ told ye to boil yer head! But… now I’m samplin’ it… see?” She bit her lower lip, waiting on my response.

“I see…” I said slowly. “So you’re saying you can’t be sure that it’s a good command or not without trying it out first?” At her nod, I said, “So then what we need is some way to let you sample without committing.” I chuckled at the thought. Sample mental changes like you were trying flavors at an ice cream parlor? How had I even come to contemplate this?

“Ooh, I like that!” she said enthusiastically. “What if ye say it like, ‘any command ye give what would change how I think or be, I gotta try it…”

“Unless it would conflict with the first two rules,” I interrupted. If I somehow screwed up her moral compass…

“Right, right,” she agreed off-hand, “Anyway, ‘I gotta try it, but I’ll always remember how I were and can choose to go back at any time o’ me choosin’.”

I grimaced. That had the potential to go wrong in a hurry. The problem was, as I saw it, people generally always preferred to be how they were, and I had to assume that would carry over through mental changes. So if I altered her way of thinking somehow, she would probably find a way to excuse or rationalize it. Sort of like she was doing right now.

Explaining my rationale, I added, “I think I would like to rescind my earlier two commands, and give you the choice of whether to keep them with a clear head.”

“What?” she said, sitting up. “No! Nay do that! Then I’d just be in pain. I’d much rather be in pain and horny about it. Me head be clear! And… and if ye took the other’n? Nay, Donum. Never do that!”

I sighed. She seemed awfully attached to that little blurb I had come up with on the fly, and I hated that I had done it accidentally. On the surface, it seemed innocent enough, but there could be hidden ramifications somewhere. All I had really wanted was for her to not want to die, so that she would…

I blinked. Oh… Right. I could see why that might be important.

I rolled my lips under my teeth as I considered. None of this would have happened in the first place if it were not for the kissing incident, and at the very least, I should address the cause of this whole fiasco and her meltdown.

“Okay, Jax. I think I understand,” I began, but she cut me off.

“Nay, ye don’t,” she said, smiling slightly, “That were me first, ye see? Before that one, I felt yer commands, aye. Some I obeyed, because I did nay care. I’d o’ done anyway. Some I fought, pushed ‘em away. But I embraced that one. For the first time, I took yer command and made it a part o’ me. Willingly. I wanted it. Wanted it more’n anything. If ye tried to take it now? I’d… I’d fight it, I would. With everything, I’d fight.”

Slowly, I reached out and grasped her wrist, comfortingly. “Okay, Jax. Okay. You don’t have to worry. I’m just trying to make sure that I do right by you as best as I can, and… look, what I was going to say earlier was that… about this ‘sexual assault’ you believe you did to me. It wasn’t like that.”

She made a face. Clearly she did not agree, but she was willing to let me have my say.

“It’s not that I didn’t want your advances, and you forced yourself on me,” I began. “It’s… more complicated than that. I guess I wasn’t ready for it is all. This is all very new, and I just wasn’t prepared for such a sudden shift in our… well, I don’t know if ‘relationship’ is the right word, but it’s the only one I can think of right now.”

“Mate,” she said, folding her arms, “that ye didn’t want it yet don’t change the fact that ye didn’t want it.”

My eyebrows rose at that, and I was forced to chuckle. She was right. “Okay, that’s fair. But it does mean that I am more inclined to forgive you. Which I do. After all, your state of arousal is all a result of spells and auras and such, and that’s my fault. And it’s a big part of why I was so conflicted about it.”

“I did nay kiss ye because I were horny…” she paused and reconsidered. “Not only that. I kissed ye because ye let some slag who weren’t even yer own yet have ye before I’d even had the chance. It were after what were because I were horny. And hungry. Both o’ them.” She took a breath, “But ye did nay want it. And I apologize fer forcin’ it before ye were ready.”

“Good then,” I said with a nod. “Let’s put that behind us. All is forgiven.” But I hesitated. She had said something like that before back when the kiss had happened. About her place. “Jax, I don’t understand where this idea about who should have access to me or not came from. It seems very at odds to me that you would be so possessive when you are so upset about the rest.” At the very least, I was quite positive that it could not have come from anything I had commanded. Nor where there any spell effects in play that would cause it. That I knew of.

“What do ye mean, ye do nay understand?” she asked, her eyes flashing. Slowly, she brought her face closer to mine, “What be yer argument? That ye should like to take to yer bed some random trollop? Be that it?” She gripped my knees, lightly dimpling my skin with her claws as her face approached, “Are ye sayin’ that thems from outside got more right than me? That be it?”

“Uh…” I swallowed nervously, not really sure where this was going. “I guess I’m saying that I don’t understand why you believe you have a right to me at all?”

She bared her teeth at me and growled, “Ye nay… ye nay understand that? We be bound, ye spoilt curd fer brains! I be yer lilim. I follow yer commands. I fight fer ye. I die fer ye. Everything!” She drew closer, daring me to deny her, “And ye be mine!” She broke eye contact then, as if realizing something, “When yer ready, anyway.”

“What do you mean, ‘yours’. Like we’re married or something?” I asked, slightly panicked.

She tilted her head, thinking it over before replying, “Sommat like it. Mate.” The special emphasis on the word was not lost on me. She had been calling me that for a long time. But how long had she meant it in that way, and I had not noticed?

I swallowed, “O-okay. Maybe you should explain this fully? W-where did this come from? How… How long have you felt this way? What are the rules? What…”

Very gently, she leaned forward and bit me right on the lower lip, forestalling my questions. Holding me there for just a moment, she looked into my eyes, and I could almost see it. It was taking everything she had to hold herself back right then. But instead, she released me and whispered, “Am I the Lady to be answerin’ all o’ yer questions? I know little. But the picture be clearer by the day.”

The nearness of her, the hot breath on my face, and the raw carnal desire in her eyes… it was all too much. And I stiffened. I could not help it.

Jax gasped and began to tremble. Violently. Slowly, her eyes were pulled down, locked on my tented loincloth. Her shaking hand approached it, but before she could touch it, she balled her hand into a fist and pulled it into her chest. Looking back up at me, she surged forward to meet my lips, but she stopped herself again, gritting her teeth. She froze there, teeth chattering, millimeters from my face. Whimpering.

For a long moment, I sat there, watching her writhe as she struggled not to embrace me, and I realized that this… not-woman would literally do anything to keep me from injury. Even if it was from herself. Had wanted to kill herself because she thought she might have. And I, in some ways, had been doing the same thing. Not to the same degree, but I had been torturing myself emotionally for days over the thought that I might bring this person to harm. Certainly, there was a lot more for me to understand, but one thing was clear. At the end of the day, when all was done, and you cut through all of the bullshit… All that she really wanted… was me.

Calmly, I raised my hand, and with the lightest of touches, I caressed her cheek.

“D-Donum? I n-nay… I nay can hold…” her voice shook quietly.

“Shh… It’s okay,” I whispered gently. And then I closed my eyes, and gave her her reward.

 

As the Life pulsed into her, her muscles locked up, and she began to seize. Almost immediately, her head swung away with her arching back, and I grabbed and held her to me before she could hurt herself. Her legs stiffened and shook, forcing her body to lift from the ground as her feet slid along the cobblestones, struggling for purchase. As she trembled, I realized she was not breathing, so I flipped her around so that her face would not be ground against me.

Holding her there, one hand wrapped around her shoulders and the other trying to keep her torso pulled down so she would not break herself in half, I could feel her abdomen crawling in waves. I had not thought it possible to climax this hard. It was almost terrifying. And even as I wondered if I might have made a mistake, I felt the slightest twinge of envy.

“Breathe, Jax,” I said into her ear. “Breathe or you’ll pass out.”

At my words, she took a great gulping breath of air and started to howl. Quickly, I clapped my hand over her mouth, and listened intently. Yes, this had been a very foolish thing to do. We had already made a hell of a lot of noise. Who knew what else might be scampering out in those tunnels. And evidently, Jax could either hold her breath or call in the wolves. But I could not have her falling unconscious again, so I would have to make do with muffling her.

I do not know how long we stayed that way, with me holding back her screams and her coiled like a spring, but it felt like ages. Eventually though, she began to come down from her high, and her body went limp against me. Slowly, still twitching from aftershocks, her head slid into a tranquil repose and rested in my lap. I watched her for a while, just breathing there with her eyes closed. She looked so relaxed, she might have been mush.

Very gently, I shook her, “Jax, stay awake now.”

She grumbled and swatted my hand away, but she cracked an eye open. Turning her head, she got an eyeful of my still encased and throbbing erection, and she smiled. Languidly, she reached up and caressed it with the back of her hand. Pausing, she looked up at me, as if seeking permission.

Turning my head away, I cleared my throat, “Uh… Maybe we ought to hammer out these rules first?”

“Sod the rules,” she said quickly. Sitting up, she turned and again brought her face to my own. Lightly, she nuzzled at my cheek, but her hand stayed where it was, unwilling to break contact. “I know what ye mean and ye nay. I know yer heart. That be enough.”

As she worked at me, I could feel the edge of my willpower. I could not hold out against her. I did not even know anymore why I was trying. Taking a shuddering breath, I whispered, “Safeguard your heart then. Or you will break mine.”

And I surrendered.

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