Chapter 44: Chapter 41 – Beauty and Love

"Ahem!"

The sudden sound broke me out of my reverie.

Looking up, I saw Philia with her face turned sideways, a fist covering her mouth. But her eyes were turned directly towards me and her cheeks were noticeably rosy.

I wasn't sure how much time I had spent staring at my own reflection, but considering that Philia's cup was empty, it must've been for a significant while. To be enraptured by my own appearance. It didn't feel good at all. I didn't hate myself, but I couldn't say that I liked myself too much either. Calling me a narcissist would've been quite far from the truth, yet I acted just like the character the word came from.

Philia as well, she was trying to be polite, but couldn't stop staring at me. Maxing out the appearance slider all those years ago was probably a bad idea. Thinking about normal distribution, the vast majority of people would fall under average, or slightly above or below average. Outliers would likely only be a bit further from that, yet I put myself at the very end of the scale.

How rare was that? One in a million? A billion? Even rarer than that?

In this world with it's low technology level, the population would probably be low as well in comparison to Earth. If the rarity was one in a billion or even more than that, it was possible that there wasn't a single person as attractive as I was. If worse came to worse, then it was possible that not only was I completely unique on that front, but there weren't even any people that came close.

The very thought wasn't encouraging at all. Beauty had a power of it's own. A person with the right skills and sufficient will could easily weaponize it. On the other hand, someone without enough skill or will would be dragged around by it. I had no illusions to believe I fell in the former camp, and had enough reason to believe I was closer to the latter camp.

If my beauty was only going to bring me trouble, I didn't need it. I was already hiding my fangs and eye colour with [Alter Silhouette], so it wouldn't be difficult to change my face a bit to be less attractive. I didn't have the confidence to properly sculpt my face so I might just blow way past 'common beauty' and instead hit the uncanny valley. That said, it was worth the risk. I was already hiding my face, so being a little ugly wouldn't be so bad.

"Ahem!"

Philia's forceful cough broke me out of my line of thought. Raising my eyes on her again, it felt like her cheeks were a little redder than before.

"Ah, sorry. This is distracting, isn't it?"

Lowering my face, I started to lift my hood up and cover myself. For now, this would do.

"Oh, no. It's fine. Or rather, I'd prefer it if you don't hide yourself."

My hands froze at her words, but I couldn't take her words for granted. She was probably just being nice about it.

"But, it's too much, isn't it? How I look?"

"Your appearance really is pretty excessive. I've never even heard of someone with beauty like yours"

My eyes fell to the table.

(That's right, isn't it? It's just too much.)

"However, I think it's something to be proud of!"

"Huh?"

"Maybe I'm not wording it quite right. But I don't think your beauty is something to be ashamed of. It's probably closer to a curse than a gift, but even then, it's a part of you. It's one aspect that makes up who you are!"

"...but people change aspects of themselves they don't like. They wear makeup to change their face, they wear clothes to change their bodies' shape. Some even make more permanent alterations to get the changes they want."

Such things were especially common on Earth. I didn't think many people were happy with how they looked, so they put in the effort to change that, even if it meant going under the knife. It was pretty ironic though, that while people weren't happy with how they looked, it was also common for people to simply not do anything about it.

"It is true that people do those sort of things. Even a lot of people do, but I also believe that those who do it the most are never able to love themselves."

(Is it even possible to love oneself without becoming a narcissist?)

"..."

"Miss Scarlet, I believe you are the sort who find it easy to care for others, but you find it difficult to care for yourself. Am I right?"

"It's been a bit hard lately, but I care for myself pretty well. I have fun and enjoy my life whenever I can. Until a little while ago, that was almost every day."

(The good old days in the dungeon. Facing off against monsters, sharpening my abilities and levelling up. Playing around with the little fluffballs like a little kid. Spending time with Alicia. Doing anything with her was fun.)

As good as those times were, I was forced to abandon my home. The pain of staying there was too much. Just thinking about it made me clench my teeth and squeeze my fists. It took everything I had to stop the tears from falling freely.

"I don't know what it was that had happened in the past to make you abandon what you enjoyed, nor will I ask. But I will say this: you don't love yourself. Even more than that, you don't think much of yourself at all. You feel there is little value who you are, so you do little that is needed for yourself."

"I..."

Getting up, Philia made her way around the table and looked close into my eyes.

"Miss Scarlet. You are loved. Your actions have made others love you. So you need to love yourself, for who you are. Because you deserve it."

My hands shook.

(Because I deserve it?! For who I am?!)

"You...you don't even know..."

"Perhaps. Or perhaps I know more than you think."

"There's no way...you say I'm loved?! The only one who loved me is dead! I'm not loved! I don't deserve to be loved! I couldn't save the only one who cared about me!"

"It's not true. Because I love you."

"You...! You don't even know what I am!"

I lost control over myself. My swirling emotions overwhelmed me. My eyes lost focus, my mind grew clouded. All at the same time, my transformation fell apart, my fangs and eyes painfully returned to their original shape against my will.

My features changing without going through the proper procedure was painful. My fangs and eyes hurt like someone was trying to forcibly reshape them with their bare hands. My vision warped, the light and colours swirled around as the small changes were amplified with the sensitivity of my retinas.

But I didn't care. I was angry. Furious. She thought she loved me. But it was all a lie. This body, this face. It was manipulating her emotions. The very fact that her cheeks were so red ever since my hood went down was proof of that.

Her words didn't mean anything if my beauty forced her to think of me in certain ways. My looks changed peoples' thoughts, even when I covered myself. I manipulated others without even realizing it. Without even wanting to. I was something that manipulated peoples' minds just by being seen. It was no better than brain washing.

But despite that, despite my yelling, despite my changes, Philia didn't flinch at all. Instead, she raised an arm and wiped my tears from my face.

My face shot up at the unexpected sensation. Philia gave me a gentle smile and spoke more gently than I thought was possible.

"I know. I know what you are. But I don't care."

"Even though I'm a blood sucking monster?! I could empty you like that tea cup at any moment!"

"You are you, and that's what I came to like. If you chose to do that, then I would accept it. At the very least, I would die knowing that the orphanage was in good hands."

"I...but...no. Your feelings are being manipulated. There's no way..."

"You mean by your beauty? But what's the difference between that and being swayed by sweet words? By kind actions? We manipulate each other all the time to get what we want. The only question is intent. And I can see that your intent is only to make others happy. Because you find it difficult to be happy when the people around you aren't."

Like a baseball shattering glass, my defences were broken in an instant. All my arguments were gone. All I had left was this confusion of swirling emotions as I was unable to pull away from Philia's heated gaze.

Paralyzed with indecision, I couldn't do anything as she slowly came closer to me. Little by little, her face drew in, blocking out anything and everything else.

Something soft and warm touched my lips. The feeling was pleasant, somehow it made me feel a bit warm, yet just as my mind was registering that warmth, the softness on my lips disappeared and Philia's face pulled away.

"You may not like how you look, but I do. The children do. I'm sure that person who loved you did as well. There is nothing wrong with how you look."

With a gentle smile, she took a step back, then another. Slowly, she made her way back to the other side of the table and gathered the tea set before turning to leave the room. Just as she reached the door, Philia turned back to me.

"Now, you may not love me, but you should at least learn to love yourself. Anyways, thank you for letting me have that little gift."

With a mischievous grin, the little orphanage director left me behind, slumping down in the chair, mind unable to catch up to the last handful of seconds.

My hand rose up to touch my lips.

"...that was my first kiss...ever..."

 

Time passed by while I was in a daze.

Eventually, I was able to pull myself together enough to stand up. Even then, my mind refused to move on from what I had just experienced. That feeling of a woman's lips on mine. The first time they had touched another’s in all my memories.

It was strange. It was alien. It was...

"It was nice..."

I never really thought too much about romance. No, I did as a teen like most in my previous life, but once I became an adult, it just stopped mattering. My parents bugged me once in a while, but aside from that, romance wasn't really something that had to do with me.

Those feelings didn't really change since being reincarnated.

Rather, I had more reasons to think that such things had nothing to do with me.

I was now a woman, yet the thought of getting together with a man wasn't pleasant at all. Or rather, it was difficult to even imagine it. Maybe it was because I'd been dismissing the entire notion off hand from the start. In a similar vein, I had done the same in regards to being with a woman as well.

Maybe it was this body. I might have become a woman, but first and foremost I was a vampire.

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It wasn't like I didn't feel arousal, but it didn't trigger in ways that I imagined it would for a woman. Not only that, but thinking about it, I've never had a period before.

Was there any meaning to being a woman as a vampire? Did vampire men exist? Was reproduction even possible for vampires? If it wasn't, then was it even possible for me to properly copulate?

I presumed it was possible, since it seemed like I had the organs necessary, yet I had never actually explored my body in that way. Exploring the dungeon had always been my priority, and when that gave way, Alicia became my new priority. When that happened, exploring my own body became impossible.

(Should I try it out?)

After a few moments, I shook my head. Doing so in someone else's home was just plain rude, and there were much more important things at hand.

I wandered aimlessly throughout the ground floor of the orphanage. Randomly entering a room, looking around without actually focusing on anything, then moving on to the next room.

Philia had given me a lot to think about though.

Aside from that kiss.

No, well, that kiss was something to think about too, but only a bit. Frankly, even if she was serious about it, I doubted I could give her a favourable response. To be with her, I'd either have to take her with me on my travels, or stay at the orphanage for the long term. Neither prospects felt workable.

First of all, if I took her with me, the orphanage would collapse almost immediately. There wasn't anyone else to take over her duties. At best, we might be able to find someone who grew up here but moved on, but the fact that nobody stayed to help out meant that either they were unable to stay, or didn't want to stay and help enough. Most likely, it was the former considering what I'd seen so far. I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that the graduates sent over their spare earnings to help support this place.

The latter would most likely single-handedly save this orphanage in the long term, but I couldn't see myself taking root here. No, not with the attention I'd been getting, it might instead replace the financial problems with more serious problems.

Neither were viable solutions, and that hadn't even started to take into consideration my own feelings on the matter.

No. Even on that front it didn't matter. Being with Philia wouldn't benefit either of us. She didn't need a distraction and problem maker like me here, and I already had a home. A good one at that. Staying would only bring trouble. Something this place couldn't afford to have.

Once I finished things, I had to leave.

But that said, there was what Philia had told me.

She thought that I should embrace who I was. Love myself? Was that a good thing? Was that alright?

Even my appearance? The thing that I just cheated to get without even putting any thought into? I hadn't earned it, nor had I got it fairly through the genetic lottery.

But more importantly than that, was the result of all that. The looks people gave me when they saw my face. When they noticed what was underneath these oversized robes. Beauty was one thing, but when it reached the level I had, especially in a world where the internet and magazines didn't exist to let people get used to seeing especially attractive people.

(...would that really be enough in my case?)

I couldn't confidently say it was, but it might've lessened things.

My hand reached up and touched my face. I couldn't really translate the feeling to what I saw, but the image was still fresh in my memory.

This face. This body. The allure of it is just crazy. But between the two, the face was especially bad. There was no doubt it would bring me no end of problems in the future. Especially the more aggressive men. It had happened twice already in three days since coming to this city. In this world where fighting monsters seemed to be pretty common, aggressive men were probably quite a lot more common than on Earth. Did that mean that I'd be facing such aggression and abuse more often just because of my looks?

If that was the case, it was best to change it. Causing and getting into trouble just because of something like my appearances went against what I wanted. It wasn't enjoyable at all.

Rather, already I had suffered quite a bit because of it. So if something as small as changing my face a bit would prevent it from happening again, then it was a small price to pay. No, it was almost free in comparison.

(But...)

Those words Philia gave me rang in my mind.

'You may not like how you look, but I do. The children do. I'm sure that person who loved you did as well. There is nothing wrong with how you look.'

Alicia. Did she like my face? She touched it a few times, and once she learned [Mana Perception] she spent a lot of time just looking at it.

How much of it did she see? How clear was my face to her senses?

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't dismiss that she may have seen enough. In that short period of time, Alicia had managed to gain quite a few ranks in [Mana Perception]. But while there was no way it was high enough to see me clearly, combined with how she memorized the shape of my face through her hands, it might've been more than enough.

If it really was, then...she probably did like it. She spent so much time looking at me, like it was a hobby of hers.

And if she really did like it that much, was it right for me to change it? Most of this journey was to find a way to bring her back. But if I changed myself from what she liked and loved to something else, she wouldn't be happy at all.

And also...

(I should love myself?)

I had no doubt Alicia would say that I should.

(But how?)

I didn't even understand what it meant to love oneself. There was hubris, narcissism, selfishness, vanity. Those were all forms of loving oneself...probably. But it was plainly obvious that those weren't what Philia meant by the term.

Simply put, I didn't know.

What was loving oneself? How to love oneself?

After brooding over it for a few minutes, I shook my head once again. Those thoughts weren't productive at all. I just didn't know how to even start thinking about it, so it was better to use my time on something else rather than run around in circles.

Instead, I resolved myself.

My appearance had brought me quite a bit of trouble in such a short amount of time. Changing it with [Alter Silhouette] was a quick solution to avoiding it in the future. Philia's words made me hesitate to simply doing that. Was being accepting my looks a part of loving myself? Was liking the parts of myself that others liked a part of that?

(No, maybe not others in general. But Alicia? Philia? The kids?)

I didn't care about currying favour amongst strangers, and even just gathering their attention wasn't pleasant, but people I knew, that I liked? Maybe I really though of myself too lowly? Maybe it was as Philia said? I needed to love myself. I was loved, so I deserved that much?

However I didn't know what that meant. But while I didn't really understand, maybe I'd figure it out by bumbling in it's general direction? If that was so, then changing my appearances more than I absolutely had to would be counter-productive.

For Alicia's sake. For Philia and the orphans' sake. No, for my own sake.

That said, my fangs and eyes, I'd continue to conceal, but that was the limit. If I discovered that the general populace didn't mind vampires, then I would stop hiding those as well. But until I had a firm understanding of it, it was best to hide at least that.

And for now, taking pride in how I looked...was beyond my ability. I just couldn't do it. I hadn't reached that point in any sense of the concept. But even more important than that, if I did take pride in it and showed it off, then everyone would stare at me.

Just thinking about it made me shudder. There was no way I'd be able to go around without hiding my face in public.

Well, that didn't change things in the first place, and it wasn't like I could afford to during the day, considering the burns I'd suffer by doing it.

In other words, nothing would really change for me.

That thought was a bit disheartening to say the least.

But anyways, if I couldn't really come up with anything to improve my own situation, then improving the kids' was my alternative.

I went to the kitchen and had a look at the soap mould that was lain to harden. A cursory glance suggested that the hardening was progressing well. The colour, texture, and scent were all good.

In fact, maybe it was too good. Compared to the soap I had bought, it was much more strongly scented.

Appearance as well was impressive. The filtering that we had done with my own lye water was a bit astounding, and the results showed itself. The soap was very close to white, and there weren't any visible particles mixed in either.

The end result had both the scent and appearance to be quite a bit superior to the soap I bought. Bringing down the quality a bit didn't sit well with me, but not doing so brought on too many risks. And it wasn't like the kids needed to get rich off of this either. It just needed to sell well enough to pay for daily necessities and maybe the occasional special purchase.

The easy route was to reduce the essential oil concentration. It would also make it easier for the kids to produce, since they would need less material to distill the essential oils.

For that matter, they still needed a method to make it in the first place. I had just provided the oil myself for the first batch, but for this to be sustainable, they'd have to be able to make their own.

I made my way around and quickly found an empty storage room. It was on the smaller size, but like all the other unused rooms, it was well taken care of. It was next to a larger room that seemed to be used for indoor playing. That room was one of many that had a fireplace. The smaller store room didn't, but that wasn't a big problem for me.

Stretching out my mana, I pulled up earth from the ground and reshaped the outer wall, creating a reinforced duct that connected the larger room fireplace's chimney with this room. From there, I made the framework for both a cooking stove and the steam distiller.

Taking out some ingots, I got to work on the main components. The lower removable chamber of the distiller was made from steel, and the upper fixed chamber was made from the light blue metal I found on floor 87. It was light, and definitely very durable. I also hoped it would resist corrosion, while the lower chamber could be manually maintained.

I wanted to avoid using the blue metal for anything overly visible, as I had no doubt it would be considered an expensive metal. I personally had little use for it so in it went, but it wasn't good to attract attention when I could avoid it with little effort. Thus the lower chamber was steel.

Extending a spout for the vapour from the top, I transitioned the metal into copper, which then sloped downwards to an open space perfect for a container. That container, which ended up being glass with a small nozzle at the bottom with a simple twist valve. Distilling essential oils tended to leave quite a lot of water mixed in. The easiest way to purify it was to use magic to evaporate only the water, but that wasn't a skill that could be considered realistic for the kids to have. Not even Philia knew how to use magic from what I saw.

Since that was the case the valve would let the denser water out while retaining the essential oil floating on top. The water would still be scented, so it had a use as well, though I wasn't sure what it would be. Maybe they could sell a skin rub or bath additive?

I filled in much of the empty space with stone with lots of air mixed in. The igneous-like rock would do a great job insulating and protecting the main chambers. Beside it, the cooling pipe was reinforced with a bunch of extra copper rods and held in place, then everything but the nozzle was hidden inside of a stone chamber with only a small hole to add water for cooling.

I was a bit worried that if a distiller wasn't known technology in this world, making it easy to see without damaging the setup could be cause for concern. Or it was just my paranoia acting up. But it wasn't much effort to get it working like this, so I did it anyways.

Next, once I made sure that the two chambers fitted in together and was easy to secure, I made several copies of the lower chamber and the glass container for backup.

Finally, I set up the stone stoves so that multiple batches of oil and fats could be rendered at the same time. While lard was used this time, maybe the kids would switch over to some other, cheaper oil? I didn't now, but it was best for me to teach them it at least. If it ended up being better for them, then these stoves would be a waste, but I didn't mind so much.

Altogether, the setup looked good. Some quick checks confirmed that there didn't seem to be any problems. All I had to do was test it all and teach the kids how to use it.

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