Chapter 2: Chapter 1: Where’s My Tutorial?

My head wobbled; up and down switched places for a second, and bile rushed up my throat. On my knees, I gasped, surveying my surroundings.

An expansive room spread out before me, tall and dim and archaic, full of banners and curtains. These were dusty and frayed, a mixture of burgundy and blue faded with age. There was an insignia repeated on many, a winged golden lion, and bright light streamed in through wall-height windows, illuminating smooth stone walls.

And the pair of women ten feet away, gawking at me.

They stood between me and a raised dais, which held a lavish-looking throne. It was empty. Silence pressed into me as we all goggled at each other.

“All right?” I said, chuckling nervously.

The pair immediately leaned into each other, exchanging frenzied whispers. Though perplexing, this allowed me a moment to calm down and consider the situation. One of the women was tall, one short, and both appeared close to my age. That didn’t seem important, though.

Silver hair and red eyes screamed ‘not Kansas anymore’. The short one had purple hair and pointed ears—presumably an elf—so there was no mistaking it.

I was in a different world. Excitement swelled in my chest as a grin broke my cheeks. From the brink of death, I’d been transmigrated by some wonderful entity to live the portal fantasy life of my dreams.

Given the smell of smoke undercutting the dust, though, I imagined these two beauties had something to do with it.

Oh, well. Who cared how it happened? I was finally away from the humdrum of my workaday life, and oh damn, was I about to live!

[User detected.]

A robotic voice resounded. I rubbernecked to find the source, but the women were still locked in discussion. Could it be?

[Initialising System.]

Jackpot, baby! Scratch off portal fantasy, this was a full-on LitRPG! It was time to head off, fight monsters, and level up, becoming the greatest hero the world had ever known before retiring to the beach with my harem.

Who knew dreams really could come true?

My summoners concluded their sidebar, straightening to favour me with serious stares.

Then, they both took a knee.

“Greetings, sire,” said the tall one. “May I have your name?”

I started. What had she called me? Did I have a bunch of kids I didn’t know about, or something?

No, that was impossible.

All I could do was stare. Her features were sharp and angular, contrasting my own soft ones, and she was lithe, athletic in comparison to my chubby build. She wore brown cotton trousers, a grey shirt, and leather boots, and had a longsword strapped to her waist.

“Sire?” she said with an inquisitive glance.

“Why do you keep calling me that?” I stood, eyeing the other one. Almost a head shorter than me, her hair was short, apart from her bangs, which framed a heart-shaped face with wide, expressive eyes. She dressed like an exhibitionist, wearing shorts that were barely there and a brassiere. Her gaze was locked to the floor, and she shifted on her feet.

“Because, sire,” said Silver, “you are to become the new king of Larheim.”

My jaw hit the floor. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! Instead of going on a grand adventure, did she expect me to spend my new life cloistered in some throne room, listening to the complaints of petty functionaries?

Hell, no. The miracle I’d wished for had come, but it seemed to be a curse in disguise. The System. Surely the System would be able to shed some light on everything!

…

I growled. Where the hell was my tutorial?!

“Why?” I said. “Isn’t there supposed to be a line of succession, or something? Why me?”

“The previous king was beheaded, and his successors deemed unfit.”

“By who?”

“Me.”

I swallowed my intestines. She’d spoken like she was reporting that it had just started raining, or dinner was ready. Grace oozed from her pores, and I supposed that if I was to lose my head, gracefully would be the way to do it. And I was meant to accept a crown from this woman?

Fuck that.

“And… who are you?” I asked, trying to stop my teeth chattering. I don’t think I did very well.

“You have no need to fear me, sire.” She stepped toward me, so I stepped back. She continued, “I am Hana Helven, the Arbiter. It is my duty to ensure the integrity of the crown of Larheim and the legitimacy of its ruler. This includes protecting you, so long as you act in the best interests of the nation.”

Yeah, how about no? “And your solution, your ‘legitimacy’, is to trust the fate of an entire country to some random from another world? How could you be so irresponsible?! I could be anyone—a tyrant, a murderer, an orange fucking President!”

She cocked her head. “While having sexual relations with fruit is somewhat… unorthodox, as I have already laid out, we are lacking in better options. You cannot possibly be worse than our previous monarch.”

Her expression hadn’t shifted once this entire time. Was she a robot? I clenched my jaw. In that case, I’d have to break out my secret weapon.

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“I’m your best option?” I said, hardening my tone. “Interesting theory. Seems a bit flawed, given you just summoned me against my will, and told me I’ve gotta be king! What about what I want? Oh, and by the way, if I—with no political training whatsoever—somehow do a bad job, I lose my head! Doesn’t really sound fair.”

That should do it. I panted, my cheeks burning, and glowered at the pair. Hana’s face remained a mask.

“The ritual is designed to summon those about to die,” she said. “Correct, Shia?”

The elf—Shia—nodded. Stuttering, she tried to meet my gaze, but failed.

“Are you all right?” I asked. “Can you even talk?”

Pouting, she stomped her foot. “Of course! G-g-give me enough time to warm up and I’ll dazzle you with my loquacious erudition!”

Great. My starting party—except we weren’t a party, because I didn’t get to be a freaking adventurer—consisted of a cardboard cut-out and a socially awkward dictionary.

Could this get any worse?

“Therefore,” said Shia, “we pulled you from the precipice of annihilation and gave you a second chance at life. Be grateful!”

I blinked. Could someone bring this girl her Oscar, now? If only so I didn’t have to listen to her anymore.

“Sire,” said Hana, “there are a great many matters that require your immediate attention.”

Rubbing my forehead, I sighed. You know what? Fuck it. I’d play their game, at least until the System booted up and showed me how this would work.

“Like what?” I said.

“A food crisis grips the kingdom,” said Hana, her voice grave, “and its people can scarcely afford to live. The five duchies are splintered and fragmented, and we face border aggression from both Antira and Tanar. Bandits terrorise our highways, which are falling apart themselves.”

Whoa. That was far too much information—my head was doing somersaults trying to wrap itself around everything.

“Is that all?” I said, sarcasm dripping.

“Only the most urgent matters, sire.”

Well, it could be worse. This was par for the course, I supposed; starting with nothing was LitRPG 101.

Though at this point, it was more like LitRTS.

A deep sense of foreboding gripped me as I listened beyond the walls. Nothing. Only chittering birds outside, and the sound of our breathing. I heard none of the low hum of human activity you’d expect in a place so big.

First things first, then.

“Where are we?”

“Your throne room, sire,” said Hana. “In the Royal Palace in the city of Larm.”

Oh, please no. I swallowed. “Then where is everyone?”

“They either left, or were killed for voicing their discontent. Only Shia and I remain.”

Okay, no need to panic. I didn’t have my towel, but it was fine.

[Initialisation complete.]

Thank all the gods I didn’t believe in! This was surely a mistake, right? The System would clear it up.

[Welcome to the Royal System.]

Oh, come on! Even the fucking System was against me? At least it had booted up. Maybe I had some cool starting skills that could help me out of this mess.

[Skills known: none.]

All right, I should have expected that. Why give me set skills when I could buy my own, instead?

[Sovereign Points available: none.]

Fuck you, Royal System!

To summarise, I had no skills, no subordinates but the pair of crazies who’d summoned me here, and all I did have was a massive, steaming pile of shit with a crown on top.

I took the only sane option.

I bolted.

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