Chapter 20: S2: Everything Old Is New Again

Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet.

Male Voice: Come in Blue Command, come in.

Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch.

Male Voice: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?

Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down.

Vic: (distorted) Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.

DuFresne: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

Vic: (distorted) Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.

Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne in purple armor.

DuFresne: Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-

Vic: (audio distortion ends) Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?

DuFresne: Uh, roger that Command.

Vic: Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?

DuFresne: Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?

Cut to view of Vic at Command.

Vic: Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?

DuFresne: You're sure? The Blue Command base?

Vic: Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.

DuFresne: Naw, I know, it's just...

Vic: It's just what, dude?

DuFresne: Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.

Vic: Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker.. ask him about their wounded dude.

DuFresne: Roger that. Any other orders? 

Vic: Anything else.. yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.

DuFresne: ...Great.

Vic: Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.

DuFresne: Okay... Private Tucker...

Cut to Blue Base. 

"Hey, Church, we have a problem." Tucker says.

Church, who has a body again and his armor is back to cobalt.

"I am not your mother." Church says. "So don't come tattling to me ever time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like."

"I'm telling you, he's crazy." Tucker exclaims. "He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice."

"I haven't seen it." Bell, a soldier in Ice blue armor and she has a french accent.

"I don't do that." Caboose says to Tucker.

Tucker turns to Caboose. "Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?"

"You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context."

"What? What context?"

DuFresne runs up behind Church as he speaks. "Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd establish by now-"

DuFresne interupts. "Excuse me."

"Hey, pal?" Church calls out to DuFresne. "One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here." He looks back at the three others. "Ah, look, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like any of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good."

"Excuse me." DuFresne calls out again.

Church turns around and everyone looks to DuFresne

"Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?" Church asks DuFresne.

Caboose turns to Tucker and speaks in his 'scary voice' "Don'e ever be alone."

"He's doing that thing again..." Tucker calls out.

"Tucker, do you need a doctor?" Bell asks.

"What? Why?"

"Because you seem to keep hearing things." Tucker stares at her. "Sorry."

"My name's DuFresne..." He introduces himself. "Uh, are you Private Tucker?"

"No, I am not Private Tucker." Church says. "My name is Church." He motions to Tucker. "This is Private Tucker."

"Yo!" Tucker greets.

"The meek one in ice blue armor, is Bell."

"H-Hi." Bell greets.

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose." Church says and he turns back to DuFresne. "Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."

"Why did you introduce me third?" Caboose asks.

"Because he hates you." Tucker informs Caboose.

"I received your call for a medic." DuFresne says.

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"Medic?" Caboose asks. "That was like three months ago."

Bell sighs. "I should of gotten a Bachelors degree in the medical field instead of mechanics."

"What'd you do?" Tucker asks DuFresne. "Crawl all the way here?"

"I came as quickly as I could." DuFresne states. "Where's the patient?"

"Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down." Church states.

DuFresne turns around and looks to the two tombstones. "Oh..." He looks back to Church. "I'm sorry about your loss."

"What? Oh... yeah. Yeah, thanks, man. It was tough, but, well, what're you gonna do?"

"I'm still sad about Tex." Bell says as she sniffs.

"We didn't like her very much, other than Bell." Caboose says and then he whispers. "She was mean to other people."

"I try not to hate people." Bell says. "I try not to be mean to people, unlike that bradly kid back at the orphanage. Oh, he was just a big jerk!"

"And I thank you for being so nice." Caboose says.

"Who's in the other grave?" DuFresne asks.

Church speaks. "That's, uh, that's me. I'm in that grave."

"Uh-huh. Of course."

Caboose goes on to explain what happened. "See, uh, he got killed by this, uh, crazy runaway tank."

"Or by the idiot driving it." Tucker says.

"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, And uh, took over a-" Caboose whispers. "Mexican-" Then he speaks normal. "Robot's body, uh. Oh! And then we had to uh, oh sorry, spray-paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue."

"Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off." Tucker says.

"Why is he built in such a confusing way." Bell mutters.

Church: (click) No esta completamente apagado, pendejo.  [Not entirely turned off, moron.]

Tucker sighs. "I'll go get the Spanish dictionary."

"I-I thought I got it fully turned off." Bell stutters a little.

"Wait, so, no one here is hurt?" DuFresne asks.

A click comes from Church. "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See, now whenever these three idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"You said they were shorting out." Caboose says.

A click comes from Church and he turns to Caboose. "I'm sorry, what was that Caboose?" He then speaks slowly. "I can't hear you!"

DuFresne holds his "Medical Scanner" "Well, then let me just check you three out, and I'll be on my way."

"Whoa... check us out?" Tucker asks.

"I don't feel comfortable with that." Bell says.

"Yeah, I agree with her."

"I'm just gonna check your vitals." DuFresne states.

Caboose turns to Tucker. "I bet I have better vitals than you!" He looks to Church. "... What's a vital?"

"On your way?" Church asks. "I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here you to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed." DuFresne states.

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"A conscie-... Who?" Tucker asks.

"He's a pacifist." Bell states.

"You're a thing that babies suck on?" Caboose asks.

Tucker turns to Caboose. "No, dude, that's a pedophile."

"Tucker, I think he means a pacifier." Church states.

"Oh, yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else."

"That's real classy, Tucker."

DuFresne medical scanner hums for a second. "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?"

"Why?" Tucker asks. "You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"Man, that' is so freakin' lame." Church says.

"I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help."

"Well, if you're gonna go up to Red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand." DuFresne's medical scanner gets shot. "Yeah, just like that." 

Another shot goes between DuFresne and Church. 

"Scatter!" Church yells.

Cut to Sarge and Donut in the middle of the canyon. Donut is using a sniper rifle.

Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake.

Donut: Thanks, Sarge!

Simmons: (firing his machine gun a few times) Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!

Grif: (standing up in front of Simmons) Yeah, sneak attack!

Simmons: Sit down, you dumb ass, I can't see.

Sarge: Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.

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01-25-2023

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