Chapter 25: Last Words

The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

Cut to Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.

Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

Cut to the Warthog and Sarge.

Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Simmons: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)

Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

Cut to the Warthog which stops firing.

Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Cut to the Blues.

"This is great, this is just great!" Church complains. "Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what am I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?" Caboose asks.

"I can't use my legs, moron."

"Oh, I see. Have you tried running?"

Church looks to Bell. "Aren't you a certified mechanic, Bell?"

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"Y-Yes." Bell states.

"Then can you find a way to make my lower half work again."

"U-Umm... Th-that's robotics, I'm a mechanic."

"What's the difference?"

"A lot."

"Well, you're useless." Church states.

"That's very mean, Church." Bell says in an angry tone.

Tucker stands up. "This doesn't seem like a big deal. You hardly ever used your legs before, anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides."

Church looks at Tucker. "Hey, I already told you. That was for science."

Caboose speaks. "Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high-fives, and eating sandwiches, and you know, the important stuff."

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (accidentally rams Sarge again)

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...Really?

Grif and Simmons: Get out!

Cut to the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires.

"Well, just start reattaching wires." Church states. "I'll tell you when I feel something."

"What about that?" Tucker asks. "Do you feel that, Church?"

"No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything."

"Oh, Church?" Caboose calls out. "You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"

The Reds are approaching the Blue Base from a distance.

Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up." Church orders.

"Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-"

"Dammit, Caboose!" Church yells. "In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!"

"Hey, Blues, we're here to-" Simmons sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church. "What the hell are you guys doing!?"

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01-27-2023

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