Chapter 27: Nine Tenths of the Law

Opening shot of the sun over Blood Gulch. It slides down to reveal Sarge and Donut watching over the canyon from Red Base.

Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (whistles casually) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?

Simmons comes up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, we're back!

Sarge and Donut turn around.

Donut: Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?

Grif runs up and stands next to Simmons.

Simmons: (sighs) Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-

Grif: Really weird! And they were rude!

Simmons: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.

Grif: (half heartedly) Excuse me! Go ahead!

Simmons: (to Sarge) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.

Grif: You're not telling it right.

Simmons: Okay, fine, how do you remember it?

Grif: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.

Simmons: ANYWAY, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.

Camera zooms in on Sarge.

Sarge: Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?

Grif: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.

Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.

Grif: Really, sir?

Sarge: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

Cut to the Blues.

"Alright, Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do, man?" Church asks. "I gotta get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there." Tucker responds. "I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila, too."

"Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senor El Roboto and Tex."

"Hmmm... Tex can be kinda hard to work with." Caboose states.

"She's dead though." Bell says.

"Quite frankly, Bell, I find your attitude offensive." Church states.

"Huh?!" Bell is confused. "W-Wa- Hu..." She growls in anger at Church, then she quickly stops. "Sorry."

"What about that Lopez person?" Caboose asks. "Is he available?"

"No." Church says. "I'm in his body, remember?"

"Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker, Bell and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend?" Tucker questions.

"What?" Bell questions. 

"Are you a retard?" Church asks.

"I-I mean, uh, Tucker, Bell and I will make him fix you and, uh, the beautiful tank lady who means nothing to me." Caboose claims. "Uh, then we can get you back in his body when he is done."

Tucker turns to Church. "I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea."

"I know." Church says.

"But Caboose said it."

"I know."

Tucker then smacks Church with his pistol.

"Tucker!" Bell yells. "We don't hit friends, no matter how much they deserve it."

"I thought maybe I was dreaming." Tucker states. "So I punched Church in the face to make sure I wasn't."

"Tucker." Church calls out. "When you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!"

Tucker turns to Church. "Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

"If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Tucker waves Church off.

"Let's try this;" Church looks between the three other Blues. "I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick. You three just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"

The three respond at the same time. "Yes, Church." "Okay, Church!" "On it, Sir."

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Church clears his throat. "Alright, here goes nothing. HEGAKERGURK!" Church leaves Lopez's body.

Tucker and Bell turn to Caboose. "You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea." Tucker says.

"It was very impressive, Caboose." Bell says.

"Aw, thanks, guys." Caboose says. "It was nothing." Lopez looks around in confusion. 

"No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about." Tucker says and Lopez turns around and runs away.

Caboose: You know, I just enjoy the process.

Church: (back to being a ghost) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels.. kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?

Tucker: What do you care about you body, you can't even move your- (turns around to see Lopez running away) Oh hey, look, your legs work!

"Oops, sorry." Bell apologizes.

O'Malley: (holding up the sniper rifle) This one is mine! (he shoots)

Church: Hey, Caboose! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. (he fades away)

Tucker: There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?

"Neither am I." Bell says.

Caboose: But Church said so-

Tucker: Yeah, but Church didn't think of THIS! (he throws a grenade through the teleporter) Come on, lets go. (he runs off the base)

Cut to Lopez near the teleporter's exit. Church appears in front of him.

Church: Alright, hold it right there, amigo.

The grenade comes out the teleporter exit.

Lopez: Mira, que cosa mas fina. (runs away)

Church: Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah crap. (it explodes)

Cut to the explosion being seen from Red Base through a sniper held by Grif. Cut to normal view of Grif with Simmons standing next to him while Sarge approaches them.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Grif?

Grif: Sir, I think we're under attack. A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.

Sarge: How many do you see?

Scope view of Tucker and Caboose running toward them.

Grif: There's two coming our way and another one seems to be... (sees Lopez) ...retreating?

Cut to normal view of the Reds.

Sarge: Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some blue steer!

Simmons: Woohoo!

Simmons and Sarge run off the base.

Simmons: Alright, yeah!

Sarge: Yeah, woohoo, let's go! Alright!

Simmons: Let's do it!

Donut stands next to Grif.

Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base.. That's cool!

Grif: Shut up, rookie.

Donut: Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff...

Grif: (while Donut babbles, most of his lines overlap) Oh my god. I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long.

Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating-

Grif: Are you ever going to SHUT UP?

Donut: -we made macramé ideas-

Grif: Jesus Christ!

Donut: -we shared recipes for soufflés. Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings-

Grif: (exhasperated sigh) Ugh.. god..

Donut: -and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school-

Grif: Jesus Christ... You've got to be kidding me. Oh man... I don't wanna listen to this...

Donut: -and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that, uh.. some shit happened.

Grif: Why me?

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01-30-2023

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