Chapter 81: Super Important Announcement! (April Fools’ Day chapter)

Egathentale

My dearest readers! I write these lines with a heavy heart. Due to your relentless and helpful efforts in keeping me in the straight and narrow path, I was made aware of the shocking, and frankly mind-boggling fact that my story is literally Highschool DxD. Now, while this might not have been readily apparent on first, second, or even seventh reading, it was written in a review, and therefore it had to be true. Therefore, I took an even closer look, and realized that, indeed, The Simulacrum contains angels (sic!) and demons (sic!), and even a harem of sorts, hence it is unquestionably the exact same thing as Highschool DxD!

After I recovered from the terrible shock this incredible and life-shattering revelation of epic proportions, the likes of which the universe has seldom seen in its 6000 years of existence, delivered upon my poor, frail psyche, I also realized that since Article 13 was approved by the EU, now Ichiei Ishibumi could take my story down at any moment and sue me for copyright infringement! In order to avoid such a horrid future, I decided to take preventative measures, so in about a day, I will purge all of The Simulacrum past Part 3 of Chapter 14!

But fret not, my dear readers! While this will probably result in the loss of several months of hard work and artistic integrity, this also happens to be the perfect, once-in-a-lifetime-of-a-common-housefly opportunity to make sure that the NEW The Simulacrum will no longer be very boring with an extremely slow pace, nor would it go off the deep end anymore! Instead I will dedicate all my efforts to give you a story paced like a colibri's heart, full of so many boredom-breaking twists and turns it would make even Shyamalan blush, and it will most definitely stay in the shallow end with safety floaters and constant lifeguard supervision! As such, please welcome The New The Simulacrum: The New Brand New World Version II: New Electric Bugaloo, or as I like to call it TNTSTNBNWVIINEB. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

!!!NEW!!! Chapter 14 ~Part 3~

Needless to say, I couldn’t really focus on the afternoon classes. Though to be perfectly honest, I never paid that much attention to them to begin with. My sleepless condition left me with plenty of free time to study whenever I wanted to take my mind off of certain things, which happened quite often these days. There was only one problem this time: I was trying to study, but I couldn’t. I had no idea why, but I had a sense of foreboding rising in the pit of my stomach and it always broke my concentration. It must have been the stress; I concluded.

At last the final bell rang and I couldn’t help but sigh in a mixture of relief and exhaustion. The princess in front of me sprung to her feet before the chime even finished, which would have been rude to the teacher if she didn’t immediately cut herself off as usual. I almost smiled about it. I got so used to her cutting the lessons short that I didn’t even take note of it under normal circumstances.

Anyways, as I was saying, the princess stood up and glanced back at me. When our eyes met she gave me an indignant “Hmpf!” and she stormed out of the classroom. It reminded me of her behavior when she transferred, but after all the time I spent with her, her cold shoulder felt especially chilly and even a bit distressing.

I tried not to dwell too much on it and instead I waved to Judy, signaling for her to wait for me. The others left while I was packing my bag, probably expecting to meet us by the lockers, but I had other plans. I waited for my assistant to come over before I stood up as well.

“Are you available this afternoon?”

She gave me a quizzical look in turn.

“Date?”

“No,” I said while trying to keep exasperation from showing in my voice. “I’m still thinking about that.”

“You see chief, this is your problem. You are indecisive.”

I sent a critical look in her direction and followed it up with a mocking little nod.

“Noted. But back to the actual reason I wanted to talk to you: I wanted you to tell me what the princess and Snowy were fighting about so that we can figure out a way to defuse the situation.”

Judy shook her head. “I told you I promised…”

“I know,” I interrupted with a hand raised to stop her. “I know, but I cannot deal with this situation without knowing why it happened. If you cannot tell me outright, at least give me a clue.”

Judy looked around, probably to see if there were any placeholders that could overhear us talking (though I didn’t know why, those guys were still as flaky as ever and letting them hear anything wouldn’t have meant much), and gestured for me to move over to the windows, out of earshot. Once we were there she hesitated for a few seconds, but at last she took a deep breath and spoke in a hushed, though still deadpan voice.

“You are aware that Eleanor likes you, right?”

I nodded immediately. “Yeah, she is tsundere about it, but it makes it all the more obvious. What of it?”

My assistant looked at me like I just said something incredibly dumb, so I wiggled my eyebrows to urge her to continue.

“If you know that much, how can you not figure out the problem? Chief, you are supposed to be smart.”

I grimaced and rubbed my face before I spoke again.

“Fine, let’s just presume I’m an idiot. How is her liking me and her fight with Snowy related?”

“It’s because she likes you, and you are stringing her along.” My assistant finally spilled the beans with clear disapproval in her voice.

“No I’m not,” I denied immediately. “I’m just being friendly.”

“No chief, you are flirting with her. Constantly.”

“No, I’m definitely not.”

At last she shook her head and leaned even closer.

“Even if you don’t think you do, that’s what it looks like, and she certainly takes it that way.”

“But… Even if what you say is true, it shouldn’t matter. She loves Josh.”

Judy stayed silent for several seconds after this. At last she took out her phone and began tapping on it. I waited patiently for her to finish, and at last she turned the screen in my direction. It was a page from her notes, one about the tropes related to romance stories, with ‘Love Triangle’ being highlighted. I let out a scoffing laugh and shook my head.

“Oh please… Like that would happen.”

“Chief,” Judy cut me off with the utmost seriousness as she crossed her arms under her chest. “This world runs on archetypes and tropes. Can you really say this is implausible?” I opened my mouth to answer, but I thought better of it and closed it again. She was right. Damn, she was right. As if waiting for the moment to deliver the coup the grace, Judy added; “If you are still unsure, I can tell you, with one hundred percent certainty that you are in a love triangle. There is no question about that.”

I looked her in the eye and my shoulders dropped in resignation, as if on their own.

“So, that means that I am the one who caused this whole mess? Marvelous.” I exhaled sharply and shook my head to clear it. “But how am I supposed to fix that? And how is that related to Snowy? Don’t tell me she…”

And then, right in the middle of that question… suddenly Angie kicked the door in.

"Wait, how did you do that?" I asked as I looked at the aftermath. "It's a sliding door…"

You are reading story The Simulacrum at novel35.com

"It doesn't matter!" The not-at-all supernatural (let alone angelic) girl exclaimed with arms akimbo. "I need to tell you something!"

"And you kicked down the door because of that?" I asked incredulously while I observed the bent remains of the poor door torn out of its rails by a devastating impact (that was in no way supernatural in origin) and I shed a single tear of… oh, who am I kidding? I hated that door. It deserved it. Anyway, I focused my attention to the ponytailed girl again and awaited her no doubt very nuanced and appropriate explanation, but then my attention was grabbed by a noise coming from my left.

"It was for the dynamic entry!" The princess exclaimed with a fist-pump.

"Wait, what?!" I cried out in surprise as I noticed the blonde girl next to me. "Where did you even come from? You weren't there a second ago!"

"Leo!" Angie shouted again, "You have to know, that you cannot date Elly, because…" She paused for a good five seconds, as if waiting for the anticipation to build up, and finally, after urging her on with the ever so subtle waggling of my eyebrows, she pointed a finger at her and declared, "She is your long lost sister!"

*DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!!*

"Oh no!" The princess yelled in turn and fell to the floor like she was hit by something. I would have moved to help her up, but unfortunately I was too busy plugging my ears.

"Ouch! What the actually hell?! Where did that infernal sound come from?!" I asked no one in particular as I staggered back and looked all over the classroom to find the offending dramatic noise dispenser.

"Don't mind the small details, Chief," Judy said as she stepped closer and she hooked her arm into mine after unplugging my fingers from my ears. "Now that she is out of the picture, we can live happily ever after in a completely non-polyamorous or harem-like family unit. Yay."

"Wait, wha—" I got this far in my originally rather verbose and eloquent rebuttal when, suddenly, a white haired and not at all demonic girl climbed in through the window.

"Leo, wait! You can't!" Snowy yelled at me after jumping off the windowsill, doing a triple axel in the air and then landing with a perfect finish. "You cannot be together with Judy, because… Angie is pregnant with your child!"

*DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!!*

"O-O-Ouch!" I exclaimed as I pulled my hand out of Judy's grasp and plugged my ears again, after which I turned to the girl with absolutely no demon-like or otherwise analogous heritage, and politely asked, "What the bloody bollocks are you numskulls blabbering about?!"

"It is true!" This time it was Angie who fell on her knees in a very dramatic and genuinely touching way that was not even remotely hammy or over-the-top. "I wanted to keep it a secret, so you two would be happy together, but it's true! Leo, you are going to be a father!"

"… What is this I don't even…?" I began, but then I was rudely interrupted by the class rep climbing out from under the teacher's desk, so I only muttered, "What fresh new hell is this going to be…?"

"Stop right there!" Amelia ordered with a T-ruler pointed my way, which was not even remotely analogous with something as silly as a staff or rod or, gods forbid, magic wand. "Leo is not the father! I must confess the truth now! The father…" There she stopped for a good five seconds while visibly holding her breath, then she burst out: "It was I!"

*DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!!*

This time I was prepared, so I already plugged my ears before the sound came, then I unplugged them and very nicely inquired, "Could you repeat that?"

"It was I, Austin!" The class rep yelled like some kind of stage show director or pro wrestler. "It was I, all along, Austin!" I wanted to ask who this 'Austin' was, but instead she pointed at me and continued, "Leo, you must know the truth! I am actually your long lost twin brother separated at birth who went through partial gender reassignment surgery!"

*DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!!*

"That… is dumb," I said with a voice so flat its edge could divide molecules.

"Not only that," She continued, "But I seduced Angie while pretending to be you and impregnated her as step forty-seven of my overly elaborate revenge to ruin your life for some very vague reason, but seeing your pure, loving and entirely monogamous relationship with Judy made my heart grow three sizes and I decided not to go through with it after all!"

"Marvelous," I said, the flatness of my voice slowly getting close to be able to divide quarks. "What's next? Are you going to tell me Snowy is my mother?"

"Actually!" Came the exclamation from Josh as he kicked in the other door. "I AM YOUR MOTHER!"

*DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!!*

I gave him a long, hard look, then I simply uttered, "Of course you are."

However, unbeknownst to me, at this point my voice was actually so incredibly flat its edge reached the quantum string level, where it accidentally severed the one string that held the entire simulation together, so the whole world, including us, disappeared in a puff of logic.

…

Wait, if I disappeared in a puff of logic, then how am I narrat

~~~

"Well, that was a crapshoot," The Woman stated with her nonexistent thumb on the giant, red 'Reset' button floating in the not dark not room. "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. What should we do next?"

"I always wanted to do sci-fi!" The Boy proposed in an excited voice.

"I'm partial towards stories without angels, demons, harems and deep ends myself," stated The Man.

"I don't care, so long as there are at least one plot-twist every twenty seconds!" chimed in The Girl.

"Sounds good enough," The Woman said, and with that, she pressed down on the button.

THE END

Egathentale

Thank you, my dear readers, for reading my story with its new and improved ending. Mention me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, Myspace, Snapchat, Tumblr, and your local grocery store. You can give me money on Patreon, donate on PayPal, pay for my dinner on IndieGoGo, kickstart my new invention on Kickstarter (it's a new kind of packaging that allows you to preserve living tissues near indefinitely called the 0R-6AN TH/3FT envelope, patent pending), fund my student loans on GoFundMe, or if you have no money but have any spare kidneys, livers or spleens lying around, you can send them to me via the mail (and you can use my 0R-6AN TH/3FT envelopes to do it; two birds with one stone!).  I know I guy who knows a guy who pays good money for those…

Anyways, see ya all within the next six months with my new project, the The New The New The Simulacrum: The New Brand New World Version III: Original Character Please Don't Steal! Stay tuned and happy April the 1st everyone! :3

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