Chapter 43: 43

Ch 43 Rain

What is it? I wonder what it is to like…

When I listen to Haru’s story, I feel that the concept that should have been clearly inside me gradually collapses.

What is it about Ageha – my sister – that makes him like her so much?

When I suddenly asked about it, Haru thought for a moment and spoke sonorously.

In Haru, it is self-evident about what part of Ageha he likes, and he has come to a conclusion.

It was the same for me. It was.

I liked Saijo-kun, so I accepted his confession, and then we ended up going out.

— Karen, what was it about Saijo-senpai that made you fall in love with him?

…But I couldn’t answer Haru’s question.

The more I listen to Haru’s story, the more I doubt my love.

When I suddenly glanced sideways, Haru was looking at me suspiciously.

I pretended not to notice it and stopped.

Haru also stood still.

The sound of an old TV breaking down constantly fills my eardrums.

Looking up at the cloudy sky, I recall the time when my love was still firmly there.

Shortly after I entered junior high school, love stories came up one after another around me.

At first, it was just rumors about who was cool and who was kind.

As time goes on, the topic comes up like someone you’ve started dating, someone you’re dating, and so on.

And so the story continued.

“Hey, isn’t there someone you like, Karen?”

To which I replied, “No, I don’t.”

I wasn’t lying, I really didn’t like anyone.

Even after the first year and entering the second year. Even after my sophomore year ended and I entered my third year.

I couldn’t feel that kind of emotion inside of me.

I couldn’t even imagine what it was like to love someone.

As if to ridicule me, everyone around me kept talking about their love lives, saying “I found someone I like,” “We started going out,” “We broke up,” and so on.

In the meantime, graduation came and I became a high school student.

A little after entering school, I overheard girls in my class gossiping about Saijo-kun.

“So Cool” “I want to go out with him.”

What does it mean to be cool? What does it mean to want to go out with someone?

Does it mean that I “like” him?

I was curious about this, so I decided to head to the field after school and take a look at Saijo-kun.

I had never seen or touched the sport of soccer before.

But as Saijo-kun kicked the ball and ran around the field, the girls who were lined up along the fence like me said, “Cool,” and I began to think, “That’s cool.”

I wondered if this was what it meant to ‘like’ them, and I was also thrilled to have feelings that I had never had before.

For a while, I would sometimes watch Saijo-kun running on the ground after school, looking over the fence.

Perhaps he noticed me, but one day, as I was standing along the fence, Saijo-kun started talking to me, and we exchanged a few words, and then he confessed his feelings for me and we started going out.

I was happy, no lie, and I wanted to share this feeling with someone, so I told Hari.

…Yes. That feeling that was in me at that time was surely genuine.

When did it start to waver?

I am confronted with something I have been trying not to see for the past six months.

I only had a feeling that it would be a bad idea to notice it.

“…I’m sorry, I asked something strange. For now, let’s go home.”

Perhaps unable to bear the silence, Haru approached me in a more gentle and caring tone than usual.

He nods back silently and starts to walk away, peering at me.

I took a step behind him and saw Haru’s back in my field of vision.

When was the first time I exchanged words with Haru? What kind of conversation did we start?

I can’t remember much. We had been together since we were too young to remember.

Although our houses were not in the same neighborhood, we started to get along with each other as a family, and at Christmas time, Haru would come over to our house and we would have a Christmas party together.

Me, Ageha, and Haru. We were always closer than school friends, and the three of us were together in everything we did.

We were like a family to me.

It seems like it was probably when I started dating Saijo-kun that those values that had been in my mind for so long until I became a high school student began to waver.

Last Christmas, when I think back, that was the first date I ever spent with him.

We watched a movie together, went shopping, and had dinner.

It’s not that I didn’t have fun.

But when I came home and saw Haru and Ageha having a Christmas party, I thought they looked like they were having a good time.

I also felt an inexpressible uneasiness about Haru and Ageha spending time together.

It was during the New Year’s visit that the anxiety appeared clearly.

I was stunned by Ageha’s assertion that there was someone she liked.

I was not upset that she liked someone.

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I was upset that Haru came to mind when I thought of someone my sister liked.

“I was… earlier.”

Haru, walking a little ahead of me, spoke to me hesitantly.

It sounded very awkward.

“This may just be a groundless fear of mine, but if you have any problems with Saijo-senpai, please contact me at… and ask for advice if you like.”

Riding on the sound of the rain, Haru’s voice entered.

A gentle voice that leaves me with a choice.

If I say “I’m fine” with a straight face, I can rest assured that Haru won’t ask me any more questions.

I think Haru is very kind to say the least.

We have known each other for a long time, but I have never seen him get really angry.

Even as an older sister, I sometimes get annoyed with her, but he always somehow accepted the selfishness of Ageha, even though he looked reluctant.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, Ageha had come to like that about Haru.

At the same time that I thought this, I had a sense that something had become clear to me.

Before I understood what it was, I had almost unconsciously opened my mouth.

“…Hey, Haru.”

I stop in my tracks.

The little voice my mouth spills out reaches Haru’s ears.

Haru turns around, sensing that I have stopped.

His eyes are soft, but his face is a little tense.

“You know, I don’t mind if you ignore this, but if I had confessed to Haru――”

I almost said it and kept my mouth shut before I could finish, not because I realized the vile nature of what I was about to say.

It was because Haru was glaring at me with the angriest look I had ever seen on his face.

“Karen, I’m sorry, but I’m going home alone today.”

“Oh, no, Haru…!”

As soon as I said that, Haru turned his back and was about to walk away.

Regret wells up in my chest as I stare blankly at Haru’s back as he moves away.

…Why did I do that?

I can’t understand it myself.

Because the one I like is Saijo-kun, and Haru is just a childhood friend… There’s no meaning in that kind of hypothetical situation, and I shouldn’t be looking for a meaning.

But now I’m saddened by Haru’s clear rejection, and I’m even more angry at the shallowness of my remarks that made him so angry.

“I don’t know… I don’t know anymore…”

All sorts of emotions are jumbled up and I can’t think of anything.

Something was welling up in my throat, and when it was about to overflow, a gust of wind blew.

“Kyaa…!”

The umbrella is picked up by the wind, and the umbrella cloth is overturned along with the framework.

I have already abandoned my mission as an umbrella, and the rain pours down on my body.

It was cold. But it didn’t matter.

I didn’t feel like rushing home, fixing my umbrella, blocking the rain with my bag, or doing anything else.

However, in proportion to the rain beating down on me, my thoughts were becoming clearer and clearer, and the feelings that had been jumbled up until then began to coalesce.

–I can’t admit it, even though I know it is the answer to my inexplicable behavior.

Even if I knew it was the answer to my inexplicable behavior, I couldn’t admit it, because there was nothing I could do about it.

I wondered how long I had been doing that.

I heard a sign of someone walking up to me, stepping in a puddle of water, mingled with the sound of the rain.

Immediately after, the rain that had been pouring down on me suddenly stopped.

I looked up and saw Haru in front of me.

“… What are you doing? You’ll catch a cold if you keep going.”

Turning his face away slightly, as if a little punished, Haru held out an umbrella to me.

“… Ah.”

Don’t. Don’t be nice to me. How can you do that when I just made you angry?

“Karen?”

Through my blurry vision, I could see Haru tilting his head and then hurriedly turning his head away.

Something different from the rain trickled down my cheeks.

Once the tears started to flow, they seemed to burst out like a weir.

The sobs that had been rising to my throat leaked out, and even though I hurried to wipe them away with my hand, it was too late.

Haru, who silently held out an umbrella during that time, reminded me to the point that I didn’t want to.

…Oh, I loved Haru.

Now I understand.

What Haru said, and the meaning of the words my friend said at that time, I’ve been holding on to it for the past few months.

But it was too late for me to understand them now.

As soon as I became aware of this, the rain became even heavier.

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