Chapter 1: 1. The Gift of Guy Blanco

Chapter 1 - The Gift of Guy Blanco

Until the day that completely changed his life, Plpzzhorynccknack was a normal kobold. He was short, red, lived in a cliff, and was a devoted servant of Menthoralix the great red dragon of the western and slightly-northerly (but not too northerly) desert. And, of course, no one called him by his unpronounceable first name, because kobolds simply were not important enough for such an honor. So, for most of his life, he went by a much shorter name that dragons could be bothered to pronounce: “Clckja’djzx.” That is, at least, what Clckja’djzx had thought Menthoralix had called him upon first meeting. Clckja’djzx had always had trouble telling when dragons were speaking, and when they were doing other things like grunting, snorting, or breathing. So, fearing for his life like any good kobold should,  Clckja’djzx accepted without question that his name was now Clckja’djzx. Clckja’djzx loved serving Methrolix. For many many many days (twelve, which is a lot of days to most kobolds) Clckja’djzx knew true happiness. And then on one fateful day, the kobold had his life changed forever.

On this fateful day Clckja’djzx was patrolling the western and slightly-northerly (but not too northerly) desert on the lookout for adventurers for Menthoralix to eat (he had never found any) when he came across the bony hand of a skeleton sticking up out of the desert. Clckja’djzx scrambled to uncover the body. He shook from the excitement: perhaps he had finally found one of those legendary “adventurers” Menthoralix enjoyed eating? By the stars! I can’t believe it! My master is going to reward me greatly for this! Clckja’djzx thought, as he pulled the skeleton loose from the desert.

Unfortunately, there was no sword on the skeleton, nor could it move, and it was dead, so Clckja’djzx reasoned that the skeleton most certainly was not an adventurer. But, the skeleton held something strange in its left hand. At first, it seemed, a sleek black gem that was almost rectangular (save for the rounded corners). Clckja’djzx rejoiced! Surely Menthoralix would reward him greatly for the retrieval of one of the many gems that had been stolen from the great red dragon. 

According to kobold legend, and corroborated by Menthoralix, the great red dragon used to possess every single gemstone in the world until one day a group of evil adventurers stole the dragon's wealth and spread it among the world. Oh how vile! Clckja’djzx thought upon remembering the legend. How cruel! Yes, yes, Menthoralix would reward him greatly for the return of his square-shaped black gemstone with an interesting word inscribed upon its sleek face.

“Zune” Clckja’djzx said to himself, the actually-pronounceable word rolled over his tongue like a dinnertime rat (particularly one that was against the idea of being a kobold’s meal). It was, perhaps, the first pronounceable word Clckja’djzx had ever spoken in his life. So this curious sleek gemstone is called ‘Zune.’ he thought.

“Zune.” he said. When Clckja’djzx then licked the ‘gemstone’ to determine its purity, his life was changed forever.

The front, sleek part of the Zune flickered to life in a blazing light, visible under the desert sun. Clckja’djzx could see a lanky, tall man with a shock of red hair was sitting behind a wooden desk. A plump man sat on a plump couch, and between them was an empty chair. The fateful words rolled across the screen: “The Very Late Show with Guy Blanco.”

 

Clckja’djzx was shocked. He could read words that weren’t “Zune!” And this device, for that’s what it was, was not a gemstone, but a magical reward from Menthoralix honoring Clckja’djzx’s fourty-five days of perfect servitude. So the kobold, knowing he had earned a break by the grace of Menthoralix, began to watch the strange lanky red-haired man on his newly-acquired Zune. He watched for hours, until the sun began to set below the desert peaks and the air became cold. He watched this tall man, this “Guy,” talk in his strange voice with many strange people. Clckja’djzx liked this man. 

When it was time to head back to his cave, Clckja’djzx did the one thing every kobold knows to do when they receive something shiny: he hid it. He stuffed it into his rat sack (which, itself, was made of rats) so that no other Kobold could steal the reward the great red dragon had bestowed upon him. 

When Clckja’djzx  got back to his one bedroom apartment (note: kobolds, despite being ruled, controlled, and gaslit by dragons, had strong unions that assured affordable housing in exchange for their service) he watched Guy Blanco on his Zune until the smooth-face of the magical device went black. The celebrity guests. The variety. The running gags It was all gone! What was Clckja’djzx to do?

He decided he would figure his next step in the morning. Until then, the small Kobold mourned the loss of Guy Blanco, the most amazing human in the entire universe.

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