Chapter 3: 3. The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em

Chapter 3 - The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em

Zune knew the tunnels like the back of his hands. He had known them since birth, and could walk them blind. Literally. All kobolds were born blind, and were blind for the first two weeks of their lives. This had the fortunate benefit (for Zune) that all kobolds could navigate the tunnels without torchlight. Unfortunately for Zune, most kobolds were cowards, and he was deathly afraid of the dark.

Zune stuffed his Zune™ into his rat-sack (a collection of stitched-together rats), set his final month of rent on his bed, and opened his door to the blackness of the caverns. He was terrified. Darkness, according to kobold lore, was the third-most terrifying thing that existed.The only things more terrifying than darkness itself were the creatures that lived within: lawyers and adventurers. Vile, evil, creatures.

Or were they? Zune thought. Was it possible that Mentholarix had lied about those as well? Zune gulped as he stepped one clawed foot into the darkness, and quickly jerked it out.

“I can’t!” he yelped. Zune started to hyperventilate. He would never get to meet Guy Blanco. He would never leave the western and slightly-northerly (but not too northerly) desert. He would die on tunnel-digging duty.

No. Zune thought to himself. “No!” he declared. “Guy Blanco would never say “I can’t” because that is quitter talk. Guy goes out there every week, night after night, in front of an audience, and whenever I asked him to, and he performs. It doesn’t matter if his set is dark, or if he has Shaq as his guest. Guy Blanco doesn’t quit! Quitting is for Jimmy Fallon!”

Gathering his strength, Zune took his first step into the pitch-dark hallway. No adventurers. Zune heard a squeak in the distance. Was that a lawyer? Zune shook his head as he walked south down the hall, the thought of a blood-sucking lawyer running through his head like the thirteen times he had made Guy Blanco and Roan Jivers re-enact their 1995 interview. 

Quitting is for Jimmy Fallon. Zune repeated the mantra, over and over. 

“Hey, you!” Zune heard a voice from behind him. He froze. A kobold tunnel guard. He wasn’t supposed to be out this late. Guy, save me. 

“What are you doing out of your union-sanctioned affordable housing apartment unit?” the guard asked.

Zune gulped, and clutched his ratskin bag tightly. He couldn’t outfight or outrun one of Mentholarix’s elite guards. How do I get out of this? What would Guy Blanco do?

The solution struck Zune like lightning in the night. Of course. Guy had shown him the way, over and over and over again. He was going to interview the tunnel guard.

“Welcome to The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em! I was looking for the perfect guest, and here we have it. That’s right folks, please welcome one of Mentholarix’s elite tunnel guards!” Zune blurted out, and started to applaud the tunnel guard, giving a few whistles. Important people (and people who thought they were important) loved attention.

“What the-?”

“Let me just say, mister tunnel guard, it is an honor to have you on the number one late-night talk show. I’m such a fan of your work. I love how you dragged away that weird kobold from earlier. Y’know, the one that got that word banned.”

Zune could practically hear the guard blushing.

“Ah, uh, shucks, it was nothing. Happens every day, really! Just doing my job.”

Zune feigned a laugh and slapped his leg as dread encompassed his thoughts. This was hard. Really hard. How was he even going to get the guard to let him leave the warren? No one is supposed to leave the warren at night. He couldn’t quit, though. He had to keep going.Guy never quit, and Zune sure-as-hell wasn’t going to either.

“So, uh, what is a Slighty-Late Show anyways?”

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If Zune could just make the guard feel important and comfortable…maybe. Just maybe.

“Not ‘a’ Slightly-Late Show. The Slightly-Late Show. The number one late-night talk show in the warren. We bring special guests, like you, and interview them.”

“Oh, how had I not heard about this before?” the tunnel guard asked.

“There are lots of kobolds, and lots of shows. We’re competing against the nightly war-drumming. Usually we get drowned out by it.” Zune lied through his teeth.

“Huh, okay. Anyways I need to get you back to my apartment-”

“You can’t! Not yet!”

“Why not.”

“uh…because this is a special edition of The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em. We’re doing an on-location shoot outside the tunnel gates.” Zune lied. It stung. He felt like Mentholarix.

“Oh really? So, if this is a show, who watches it?”

Zune thought for a moment.

“The late-night apartment-door peephole crowd, they’re excited to hear all about you. You know you have a lot of fans in the lower warrens.” Zune said. It technically wasn’t lying. He just wasn’t sure if the surrounding apartments would enjoy this interview happening so late at night. Although, he supposed that if he liked late-night shows, the other kobolds would as well.

“You lower-warren kobolds are weird. But, hell, I’ll do your interview, sounds like fun.”

What passed was the most stressful minutes of Zune’s life. Question after question, playing off the tunnel guard and getting some laughs. Creating segments for his “show” as if they had been done before. It was exhausting. Zune learned that the guard’s name was Kevin (no surprise Mentholarix had given the guard a pronounceable name). Kevin talked about his middle-school days where he had longed to be a singer. His career was cut short because he couldn’t produce a sound ugly enough. Zune had Kevin sing for the “audience,” and true to his word the tunnel guard’s voice was beautiful. It was so tragic. Zune joked about how even the “perfect” kobolds couldn’t be perfect.

Zune was so caught up in The Slighty-Late Show with Zune Tee-em that he didn’t even realize that Kevin had escorted him through the outside tunnel gates. He had done it. He had talked his way out of the warren! And now all he had to do was run!

“Thank you everyone for watching the Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em!” He shouted at the cliff full of kobolds.

“This was our  special guest, Kevin! I’m your host, Zune Tee-em! I’ll see you next time! Good night!”

Kevin clapped, and cheered. Several of the outer tunnel gate guards clapped and hollered too. Zune took a bow, and ran like hell through the desert. The guards didn’t follow.

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