Chapter 27: Lawyers

Lancaster-3 was a colony much like Butterpond-4, but with one major difference. This one was significantly older, and as such its exploitation had progressed much further. As Joe and Maggie’s shuttle made its approach, the girl noted the planet below had significantly less greenery than the one she emerged on. It also seemed much more populated, with the distant lights of mega-cities covering almost the entirety of the largest continent’s landmass. Pollution was also much higher, given the thick layer of smog the shuttle had to pass through. Thankfully the air in the civilized areas was kept clean and breathable by enormous terraforming machinery, but a significant portion of the planet was uninhabitable.

Maggie found this state of affairs to be rather unfortunate. She would have liked the chance to locate and observe new life forms during her stay here, but that wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t dwell on the matter too much, though. The purpose of her visit was legislation, not exploration. Once the shuttle had made its landing and Joe stopped shaking, she looked up the law firm that represented Bubble Spotlight Studios. Thankfully it had a branch office in Dave-87, the mega-city that the couple arrived in. Maggie quietly booked a hotel room for the two of them and was about to ring the firm to make an appointment when security personnel asked her to enter a small side room on her way out of the starport. She complied and entered with Joe in tow to find a familiar face waiting for her.

“Top of the morning, Miss Oh. Good to see you in such high spirits!”

It was Oliver Millington, the regional director of the Supernatural Eviction Agency. His jolly, rounded, holographic avatar was flanked by two stone-faced troopers in uniforms matching AJ’s. Joe winced at this welcoming party, mostly because he didn’t like Mr. Millington. In his mind, this pudgy pencil-pusher had taken advantage of Maggie’s straightforward and honest personality during their contract negotiations. The girl, on the other hand, didn’t seem too bothered by this encounter. She wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, either.

“What is the purpose of this meeting, Mr. Millington?” she asked flatly.

“Nothing to get riled up about, my dear. All I ask is that you allow these two fine gentlemen to serve as your bodyguards for a little while.”

“I feel the need to point out that the only ones in this room that are in need of additional protection are your men.”

Maggie’s cold smile made the two troopers visibly recoil and clutch their heads. Joe knew this reaction well. AJ used to do that a lot when she first started living with them, though it was never this pronounced. The most she’d do whenever Maggie’s presence caught her off guard was to cringe and jerk her head, maybe twitch an eye. It was barely an inconvenience when compared to these two, who were acting like they’d just been blasted by a deafening, bone-shaking screech. Joe felt strangely proud that his friend was much better at handling Maggie’s extra-loud brain waves than these strangers.

“I am well aware, Miss Oh,” Oliver sighed, completely unaffected by his men’s discomfort. “Unfortunately, our protocols haven’t been expanded to account for beings in your position. You’re technically a visiting foreign dignitary, which means the government is required to provide you with an armed escort. ‘Tis entirely a formality, I assure you. My assistant tells me you’ve already made arrangements in regards to your stay here, so these fine gentlemen will leave you to your business once they’ve shown you to your lodgings. ”

“I comprehend,” Maggie reigned in her psychic pressure. “In that case I shall comply.”

“Excellent,” Mr. Millington beamed. “Oh, and while I have the chance, I wish to offer my personal thanks for all your efforts. Your experiments on Agent Johanson have produced some riveting data indeed. In fact, Agent Barnes and Agent Kowalski here have volunteered to participate in our attempts to replicate those results.”

The two psionics flanking the hologram looked at it with shock plastered on their faces. It was clear this was the first they’d heard about this. They clearly had some misgivings about being ‘volunteered’ like this, but didn’t get the chance to voice any complaints before Oliver flickered out of sight with a jolly ‘Tah-tah!’ This was part of the process, of course. AJ unlocked her heightened abilities after cracking from severe physical and psychological stress, and it only seemed logical that these agents would have to suffer the same. Maggie caught onto the director’s scheme and, as per her obligations, played her part during the strangely long and deathly silent car ride to her temporary abode. Nothing extreme, just a few subliminal images and implanted thoughts along the lines of those one-way winks she liked to do. By the time she parted ways with the two guinea pigs she had given them enough mental baggage to keep them up at night for the next month or so.

All of this went completely over Joe’s head, of course. The only thing he took away from all of that was that Oliver Millington was an even bigger prick than he initially gave him credit for. His mind rapidly moved on when he saw the hotel room Maggie had booked. It was essentially a deluxe version of his old apartment, which was to say it was an extra-large shoebox with two whole pods in it. It honestly felt rather nostalgic, in a good way. The only real issue was that he didn’t have access to his extensive virtual library of games and shows. The stunted nature of interstellar communication made it impossible to relay digital information in real time, after all. He should have brought a data cache with all of his account details from Butterpond-4, but it didn’t occur to him to prepare one until he was already jacked into the hotel room’s pod. Ultimately this meant he’d have to spend nearly every waking moment with his girlfriend, which was hardly the worst thing.

Maggie, for her part, finally got around to making that call.

*Ring-ring*

*Click*

“Hello, you have reached McLarson’s McLawyers,” a woman’s bored voice rang out in her head.

“Hello. This is Mags Oh, from Butterpond-4. I received a notice from your firm regarding a potential copyright infringement involving my person. Are you familiar with this?”

“One moment while I check our systems, madam. Yeees, I see it. A client’s media monitoring systems sent you an automated cease and desist on our behalf. It seems your personal appearance was deemed too similar to Melinda Sparklestar’s. To a significant degree at that.”

“That’s the one. I wish to dispute this claim.”

There was a long, awkward pause as the woman on the other end of the line let those words sink in.

“Excuse me, care to repeat that?”

“I wish to dispute this claim.”

“The one that says you look exactly like Melinda Sparklestar, whose appearance is the intellectual property of Bubble Spotlight Studios. That claim?”

“Yes.”

“I… would strongly advise against that, madam. From what I see, you’re clearly gene-modded, and there’s no doubt as to the similarity. It’s plainly obvious even to the naked eye.”

“I am aware. I wish to dispute the claim nonetheless, and as such demand a meeting with your legal team as soon as possible.”

“Wow. Oh, wow! Okay!” she sounded strangely excited all of a sudden. “Is later today at one past noon acceptable, Miss Oh?”

“It is.”

“Would you like us to provide transportation to and from our offices?”

“That would be appreciated.”

“Fantastic! What about lunch? We can provide seafood, barbecue, pizza, or would you prefer something more exotic? Our treat, of course.”

This illogically generous hospitality struck Maggie as quite odd indeed, but she wasn’t about to turn down a free meal.

“Barbecue. Organic beef, preferably.”

“Excellent choice, madam. I’ll finish making the arrangements on our end, and we’ll see you at one!”

“Alright. Goodbye.”

“Bye!”

*Click*

Maggie blinked rapidly as she tried and failed to make sense of the latter half of that conversation. She did not have much success, so she tried to consult her resident expert on humanity.

“Yeah, I haven’t the foggiest,” Joe shrugged. “Maybe they feel like they’ve got this one in the bag, so they’re being super cocky for no reason. You can never be too sure with bloody lawyers. Bunch of slime-balls, the lot of ‘em.”

The girl accurately ascertained he did not literally mean they were a collection of lubricated spheres and asked a different question instead.

“Have you personally interacted with lawyers before?”

“Well… no… but I’ve heard all sorts of things on the net and such,” he confirmed her suspicions.

“In that case I shall withhold judgement until I have more information.”

The girl knew better than to assume things said online about a particular group of people was accurate. Unless it was part of an official study, lecture, or other scientific work, then such information was extremely likely to have been born of ignorance and prejudice. She had learned that particular lesson after coming across an article that alleged that all ginger-haired humans were highly vulnerable to ultraviolet light. Thankfully she was able to debunk this claim without permanently scarring AJ.

“Probably for the best,” Joe shrugged, “but you should be wary nonetheless. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, you know?”

Maggie narrowed her eyes at this demonstrably false statement.

“No, I do not. This presumably metaphorical figure of speech is unfamiliar to me,” she flatly stated.

“Oh, yes, sorry. Uh, to put it another way, if they’re offering free food it’s probably because they want to get your guard down and bamboozle you somehow. Something along those lines.”

“I comprehend,” her eyes flashed. “I shall be extra scrupulous during the meeting.”

“Actually, about that. Just making sure, but you do have a way to defend yourself, right?”

Joe hadn’t really bothered to ask thus far. He just kind of assumed Maggie knew what she was doing. After all, she wasn’t the sort of person who would come all the way to another solar system without a plan of action. However, with the moment of truth right around the corner, he couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous.

“Indeed,” she confirmed with a smile. “I have formulated a series of legal arguments that have an eighty-one-point-five-six percent chance of resulting in a favorable ruling should this go to court.”

“And will it go to court?”

“The only way it will not is if the law firm drops the charges of their own volition, which is extremely unlikely to happen.”

“So it’s a win-win, huh? That’s great. So, uh, should I run down to the shops and get myself a suit? The one I brought from home doesn’t really fit me anymore.”

It had been about five years since Joe wore that outfit and he hadn’t bothered to try it on before leaving the apartment. It was probably a good thing he was so shameless, otherwise he might have died of embarrassment at how unprepared this interstellar trip had found him.

“Indeed, that would be wise.”

Joe’s presence at the meeting was hardly necessary, but he insisted on tagging along. Even if all the legal technicalities would likely bore him to tears, he needed to make sure those slimy lawyers didn’t sucker Maggie into any shady contracts like that knobhead Millington. He even had a three hour power-nap just before leaving the Trafalgar so that he wouldn’t fall asleep mid-meeting again. He also needed to make sure he didn’t embarrass Maggie, which involved wearing something more professional than his usual RetroStyle™ attire. There was plenty of time before noon rolled around, so he had no difficulty procuring a sharp business suit. The only issue was that he absolutely hated this type of stuffy outfit. He felt like a clown for wearing it, and not even Maggie’s reassurance that he looked ‘remarkably dashing’ in it made him feel better about it. Still, looking presentable was important, so he went along with it for his girlfriend’s sake.

The offered transportation arrived at Maggie’s temporary dwelling at around ten-to-one. In keeping with the trend of strangely generous hospitality, the law firm had sent a luxury vehicle that was almost a limousine. The car had a spacious interior, fancy seats, tinted windows, and a number of other unnecessary features. It even had its own honest-to-goodness chauffeur, complete with sharp black tie uniform and matching hat. If this was the law firm’s company car, Joe couldn’t help but wonder what sort of palace their place of business was.

He was therefore rather disappointed to find that the offices of McLarson’s McLawyers were rather… cramped. They consisted of three rooms altogether - a large and relatively empty one set aside for meetings, and two tiny chambers containing nothing but VR pods and computer towers. All in all, the entire business could fit in Maggie’s apartment three times over. Joe then realized his frame of reference was wrong. That suite was in a league of its own. On second thought, the law firm’s offices were quite spacious compared to his old apartment. They had multiple rooms, after all.

The aforementioned meeting room was where the two resident lawyers greeted them. The first was a gorgeous woman that looked barely out of her teens, though that was mostly due to gene mods that obscured her actual age. Her colleague was a dapper gentleman with a mature and dignified appearance punctuated by a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles. These were entirely decorative, a cultural holdover from a time when corrective eye surgery was far more primitive and significantly less accessible. Both of them wore fittingly sharp suits and short, no-nonsense haircuts, though the looks on their faces was a mix of childish glee and unrestrained excitement. The gap between attire and attitude was almost creepy, in a way.

“Good day, Miss Oh!” the lady extended a hand. “We spoke on the phone earlier, but I neglected to introduce myself. I’m Amy McLarson, and this is my brother, Ike.”

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” the man mirrored her gesture.

“The pleasure is mine,” Maggie shook with both of them. “This is my partner, Joe Mulligan.”

“G’day,” the man offered casually. “Don’t mind me, I’m just here to keep her company.”

“Oh, a witness to the hearing!” Amy chirped. “How very quaint!”

Joe didn’t know how to feel about that remark. On one hand, being called ‘quaint’ felt like he was being patronized. On the other, the lady spoke in a way that made her seem genuinely happy and thankful for his presence. Whichever the case, he really didn’t need to be there. The state mandated that such meetings were recorded for posterity to minimize the amount of ‘he said, she said’ arguments should cases wind up in court.

“But if Mr. Mulligan isn’t here in any official capacity, then where is your legal counsel?” Ike inquired while readjusting his glasses.

“I will be representing myself,” Maggie declared.

The McLarson siblings stared wide eyed at her, then at each other. There was a brief moment where they snickered and giggled quietly like overexcited children before they snapped back to a more professional demeanor.

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“Understood. Then, please have a seat and enjoy your lunch,” the lady invited them.

The meeting room they were in was dominated by an oval glass table with several sleek office chairs around it. The lawyer duo situated themselves on one end while the confused couple took the other. The chauffeur from earlier entered immediately after, though he was now dressed as a waiter or butler. This was hardly the weirdest part of this visit so neither Joe nor Maggie paid him much heed. He was probably just an intern or assistant or something. The plates in his hands were of much greater interest, as they held the organic beef barbecue that the girl had requested. The generous steaks were piping hot to the point where they sizzled quietly. The aroma that wafted from them was so mouthwatering one could easily drown on their drool if they were not careful.

Maggie immediately bit into the juicy meat with zero hesitation. The food was just as delightful as she had hoped, complete with that extra spice of death and suffering that only she could taste. She chewed on her meal slowly and methodically, intent on savoring it as much as possible. She’d likely take an hour if she were to finish her plate at this pace, which was precisely what she planned to do. Joe also ate slowly, though that was mostly because he felt rather awkward about the way it was just him and Maggie eating while Ike and Amy stood there, smiling quietly. This wouldn’t do at all. Though he hated to interrupt his girlfriend’s fun, he figured it would be for the best if they didn’t keep the lawyers waiting any longer.

He gently placed a hand on Maggie’s shoulder and slightly jerked his head towards the McLarsons. The girl grasped what he was trying to say and nodded slightly, then put down her knife and fork. It was regrettable to let that wonderful meat go cold, but she couldn’t lose sight of her primary objective.

“Thank you for the meal, but we really should get down to business,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Very well,” Amy nodded. “Let us go over the automated cease and desist once more for the record, shall we?”

A holographic keyboard sprang up in front of her. She pressed a few illusory buttons and caused the case file to appear on the large screen built into the wall on her left.

“The copyright protection system’s algorithm picked up this photo, which was making the rounds on Butterpond-4’s social media networks approximately eight days ago.”

The image in question was brought up, revealing it to be a picture of Maggie sunbathing in her bikini during her trip to that resort. Joe once more felt conflicted. He hated how some random arsehole had taken and uploaded this without their knowledge or permission. Such things weren’t strictly illegal since that beach was a public space, but it was still a dick move. At the same time he had to admit that Maggie looked absolutely stunning in it, perhaps more so than usual. Whoever took this photo clearly knew what he was doing.

“As you can see,” the lawyer lady scrolled down to the comments, “both the poster and over two hundred individuals mistakenly believed the subject in the photo was Melinda Sparklestar. The copyright protection system picked up on this chatter and analyzed the photo, concluding a ninety-three-point-six percent facial similarity between Miss Sparklestar and Miss Oh. Full body similarity is slightly less at eighty-six percent, but both numbers are far in excess of the sixty-five percent legal limit.”

Amy finished her brief presentation of her evidence and turned back to Maggie.

“Miss Oh, there is absolutely no doubt that you are infringing upon our client’s intellectual property. We must therefore stand by the automated cease and desist and request that you alter your appearance into a non-infringing state within sixty days of the initial notification. Failure to do so can and will result in us seeking more severe legal action against you. Do you understand?”

“I comprehend completely,” Maggie confirmed. “I am not disputing the accuracy of the automated copyright protection system. However, I wish to challenge this claim of copyright infringement on grounds of fair use.”

The two lawyers looked at her and each other dubiously for several silent seconds.

“Fair use,” the girl spoke up again. “Noun. Legal. The doctrine that copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be replicated for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.”

“We are aware what the term means, Miss Oh,” Ike stated. “We were merely waiting for you to elaborate upon the factors and circumstances that you believe would classify your case as fair use.”

“I apologize for the misunderstanding, I meant no offense,” she bowed her head.

“That’s quite alright, Miss Oh. Now, as you were saying?”

“Yes,” Maggie looked up. “I adopted Melinda Sparklestar’s personal image for the purposes of research. I am currently using it to further my understanding of the human psyche. More specifically, the effect that an individual’s physical appearance has on public perception of them and their actions in a society where looks are easily modified. I was not aware that I was violating any copyright when I began this endeavor, though it is unlikely that such knowledge would have dissuaded me. Regardless, while it is well within my means to adopt another appearance, doing so will compromise numerous ongoing experiments totaling over twelve hundred man-hours of labor. This is a significant setback that I wish to avoid, hence my intent to dispute the cease and desist on grounds of fair use.”

Joe stared at the girl with unrestrained bewilderment. Hearing their relationship described in such dry terms was… weird, to say the least. As for the McLarsons, they kept sharing questioning looks throughout Maggie’s statement and for several seconds after. On the surface it seemed like some random girl was making up excuses to justify her desire to look like a famous person. However, the overwhelming confidence and sincerity with which she stated her case made them wonder if there actually was something to this ‘social experiment.’

“Do you have any evidence you can present to support this claim?” Ike pressed. “Scientific papers you’ve published, or datasets you’ve collected?”

“Some, yes.”

Maggie reached into her coiling locks and pulled out a hard drive the size of her thumb. Ike wasted no time and practically snatched it from her fingers. He connected it to the office’s computer and looked through its contents. It was filled with graphs, spreadsheets, notes, diagrams, essays, and reference materials. Both lawyers skimmed through a few of the files each. The information therein was formatted in an extremely boring and detached manner that went completely over their heads. What they were looking at was the result of Maggie compiling most of her recent experiences with humanity into raw data. She even added plenty of her deductions and theories regarding the human condition. If this treasure trove of information were to be peer reviewed, it would be considered useful at the least and revolutionary at the most.

The McLarson siblings were naturally incapable of judging the value of this data. They had no way of telling whether Maggie had slapped together a bunch of random numbers and technical gibberish she had pulled off of the internet. It also wasn’t their job to do so. In fact, their opinion on the matter was completely irrelevant from a legal standpoint. The only reason Ike had asked for this ‘evidence’ was to ensure that her guest could actually put up a fight in court. Otherwise it would’ve been an open and shut case, and no judge worth their gavel wanted to deal with one of those.

“Bloody brilliant!” the brother cheered. “Madam, I do believe we have ourselves a trial!”

“And… this is good news?” Joe couldn’t help but ask.

“But of course, Mr. Mulligan,” the sister beamed. “We get to conduct an investigation, validate evidence, retrace digital footprints, call in witnesses to question and cross-examine - the works!”

“Do you think we’ll get judge Locker again?” her business partner asked excitedly. “It’s been far too long since I’ve seen that old fart!”

“Oh, I certainly hope so. He does everything with such a classical flair. Ohhh, I can’t wait! Quickly, let’s get the formalities and bureaucracy out of the way and set up a court date!”

“On it like you wouldn’t believe it!”

As Joe and Maggie watched the two of them whip themselves up into a frenzy, it suddenly dawned on the couple exactly what was going on.

McLarson’s McLawyers had been terribly McBored. It had been far too long since they’d done any actual lawyering. About two and a half years, to be specific. Their inactivity was a byproduct of having a judicial system that, much like the rest of their society, was largely automated. It was extremely rare for any case to reach a lawyer’s desk, let alone a courtroom. This was especially true for anything involving copyright law. The overwhelming majority of people in Maggie’s position would just roll over and comply with the copyright holder’s demands. It just wasn’t worth the bother of trying to challenge such claims, primarily because they’d lose horribly ninety-nine out of a hundred times.

In short, the McLarson siblings were so desperate to seize this chance to put their law degrees to use that they couldn’t help but come off as… overly enthusiastic. That sort of attitude had its perks, at least. It took only about a week for them to conduct whatever investigations they could and schedule a date for the initial hearing. It all happened so fast that Maggie and Joe didn’t even need to leave Lancaster-3 before they found themselves in court.

The chamber itself was, much like the law firm’s offices, relatively spacious yet also smaller than Joe imagined it would be. There was a raised podium for the judge, a desk immediately in front and below it for lesser court officials, another desk for each side in the case, and two rows of plain chairs in the back for any spectators. All of the available seats were taken by the time Maggie and Joe walked in, which surprised the couple. They couldn’t fathom how their case would’ve garnered any sort of public attention, not to mention they’d arrived half an hour early.

It soon became evident that this turnout was yet another bizarre occurrence caused by the ‘McBored factor,’ as Joe had jokingly started calling it. Indeed, it wasn’t just the brother-sister combo that were thrilled to see a real trial. A number of their friends, family members, and peers had turned up to watch the proceedings like it was some theatrical presentation. The attitude among the spectators was therefore oddly bubbly and jovial. The staff, on the other hand, were positively brimming with excitement. This went double for the judge, who was quietly practicing lines and gavel swings in the other room where nobody but Maggie could see him. His full name and title were Senior Civil Adjudicator Barnes Locker, and he was an old, wrinkled, and wiry gent that could easily pass for a future version of Joe.

At exactly three past noon, the trial officially began with the judge making his grand entrance. He stoically went up to his podium and immediately slammed his gavel and called for order in the court. This was quite necessary given the noisy and casual atmosphere that would no doubt interfere with the proceedings if it was allowed to continue, though Locker rather enjoyed getting the chance to do that. He hid his glee wonderfully as he scanned both sides of the legal dispute. He ignored their formal attire and focused solely on their expressions. The McLarsons were clearly not as experienced with law as he was, given the way they struggled to keep those goofy grins off their faces. Maggie had that neutral smirk she normally bore, and Joe did as he did best and quietly went with the serious-but-not-really flow.

What followed were the initial formalities. An assistant to the judge stated the time, date, and case number of the trial for the record, after which the judge invited both sides to make their opening statements. It was a rehash of the pre-trial meeting, with the plaintiffs presenting a brief summary of the alleged copyright infringement while Maggie defended herself by claiming fair use for the purposes of research. Amy McLarson was then told to prove the validity of their side’s argument, which she did splendidly by presenting all of the data she’d been able to collect. This wasn’t a criminal case, so her side hadn’t been able to dig too deep into the private lives of Maggie and Joe. However, the private investigator she hired had returned from Butterpond-4 with quite a few relevant tidbits.

It was no surprise that the girl was quite popular around her neighborhood, especially on its message boards. Those online forums presented enough information for the investigator to discover and prove that Joe had received an anonymous donation on Maggie’s behalf during that video game tournament. Amy presented these findings along with a series of online comments that showed this wouldn’t have happened if her virtual avatar didn’t resemble Melinda Sparklestar so much. She then tried to spin this into saying that the girl had used her copyrighted appearance for personal gain, which would seriously undermine her fair use defence. The judge dismissed this argument outright, however.

“That statement was stretched so thin I could floss my teeth with it,” were his exact words.

Next up, the McLarsons called in their first witness - Mr. Charles, the store owner that Maggie got her pet snake from. They really were pulling out all the stops if they flew him out to another solar system for this hearing. The man was asked to describe the exact details of his one-time bartering agreement, which he did honestly and succinctly. However, Mr. Charles hesitated when asked if he would have offered Maggie that deal if she didn’t look like Melinda Sparklestar. He admitted that her unique and eye-catching appearance was a major factor in his decision-making, but added that he had no idea who the actress in question was since he didn’t watch soap operas.

Adjudicator Locker seemed more convinced by this attempt to discredit Maggie’s claims of non-profit than the previous one. Granted, that wasn’t exactly a high hurdle, but it was a small win for the plaintiff side. Amy pressed the advantage by presenting a number of smaller incidents where various individuals showed the defendant leniency or favor purely because of her looks. She was leaning on this profiteering angle quite hard, and with good reason. The law firm had reached out to a few psychology experts to have them analyze the validity of Maggie’s research data. All of them had stated that the papers provided were practically bulletproof. No respectable man of science could dismiss her meticulously documented findings as fraudulent or frivolous. Convincing the judge that her experiment was a sham was impossible, so the McLarsons had no choice but to go all in on the financial aspects.

This approach seemed to backfire immensely, however. When the judge gave Maggie permission to speak, the girl rebuked all their accusations by revealing that appearance-based preferential treatment was a major focal point of her research. She had also reached out to some distinguished members of Lancaster-3’s academic community, asking them to testify before the court as to the potential benefits of these experiments. She could’ve done that herself, but her word carried far less weight than someone with decades of experience in the relevant field. The girl eventually settled on the witness who would have the most impact.

The one who spoke on her behalf was Haarfold Jik-Algetress mil Chun-Chun-Nyet, or just ‘Harold’ to his friends. As his strange full name implied, he wasn’t a local. However, Harold wasn’t just a foreigner, but also a nonhuman sapient that hailed from the other end of the galaxy. His appearance was fully obscured by a puffy red-and-black personal environment suit, though its shape suggested he was a bulbous individual with three legs, three arms, and a pyramid-like head. He spoke in a silky, melodious tone as he professed his undying fascination with the human mind, which was also the reason why he chose to live among the residents of the Third British Empire. He then started practically singing the virtues of Maggie’s findings, declaring them brilliant, enlightening, intriguing, and strangely relatable. Harold finished his statement by declaring that to interrupt the girl’s ongoing experiments by forcing her to change her appearance would be a tremendous setback to the never-ending study of the mind.

The crowd practically applauded the sapient as he left the stand and hopped out of the chamber. None of them had actually seen an alien in person before, and this particular individual was so flamboyant that he caused a spectacle by his very presence. Granted, they hadn’t actually laid eyes on him since that suit was in the way, but they weren’t too bothered by this technicality. The adjudicator had to call for order seven whole times before the small crowd finally settled down. Well, aside from one severely intoxicated individual who had to be forcibly removed from the courtroom since he wouldn’t stop yelling gibberish about ‘the illuminati.’

The trial’s excitement levels took a massive plunge after that. The McLarsons and Maggie kept throwing smaller arguments and counter-arguments around as each side tried to either strengthen their case or undermine the opposition’s. At some point the lawyer siblings tried cross-examining Joe with the intent of making him slip up and reveal something damning to his girlfriend’s case. However, the judge put a stop to that three minutes later by declaring that the man was an unreliable witness. This was a nice way of saying that he was deemed to have the intellectual capacity of an unpainted plank of synthetic wood, and that anything he said would only confuse the court.

Four and a half hours into the trial, the judge declared that he had heard enough and was ready to make a ruling. This announcement was met with a wave of subdued disappointment by most of the people in the room. They clearly wanted to enjoy the event for a bit longer. In truth, so did Adjudicator Locker, but he had already dragged this out for far too long. His mind had actually been made up for quite a while now and was starting to feel guilty for allowing this pointless discourse to continue.

“Miss Oh,” he turned to the girl, “while the court recognizes the validity and value of your research, it is an indisputable fact that you have personally profited off of intellectual property belonging to Bubble Spotlight Studios without the owner’s knowledge or permission. You yourself have admitted as much. Whether this was or was not your goal or intent is irrelevant in the eyes of the law.”

“Your honor, the actual value of these so-called profits are effectively inconsequential,” Maggie calmly pointed out. “According to specifically subsection 12-E of article RH-0035 of the Imperial Intellectual Property Act, such gains must be in excess of-”

The judge raised his hand, cutting her off.

“Yes, I remember when you eloquently pointed this out not half an hour ago. However, the issue is not with what you have earned thus far, but with the potential profits you are poised to collect in the near future. As I understand the goals of your research, you intend to carry on as you have done until now. If I allow this to happen, I have no doubt this will lead to your currently meagre popularity growing rapidly, which will in turn lead to financial success that will put you over the limit stated in subsection 12-E of article RH-0035. The copyright owner can and will appeal my decision at this time, causing a retrial that they will win since your fair use defence will no longer be viable.”

Locker was saying all this from a position of knowledge and experience. There was overwhelming precedent to support his reasoning. Thousands of similar cases across the 3BE that had turned out more or less exactly as he outlined, a few of which he had been directly involved with.

“For the record, I personally sympathize with your plight and do not wish to take away the face that you and your partner have clearly grown fond of.”

It wasn’t just him that felt this way. Quite a few of the onlookers were rooting for the charming girl and all-around underdog to win.

“However, as Adjudicator, I must remain impartial and set aside my feelings on the matter. I have therefore decided to save us all the headaches that come with an open-and-shut retrial and nip this one in the bud, as it were.”

These people were naturally quite disappointed that such an upset clearly wasn’t to happen. Even the lawyer siblings felt a bit bad about this turn of events, but their guilt was drowned out by the thrill of imminent victory. Joe was, understandably, the most upset and was already hanging his head low. As for Maggie, her confident smile did not waver in the slightest even though she was about to lose.

“I understand, your honor,” she nodded. “Before you hand down a verdict, however, I wish to bring to your attention one final and rather vital piece of evidence.”

The judge raised an eyebrow dubiously, but motioned for her to proceed. The girl stepped up to his podium and held out a thumb drive different from the one she was using to store her ‘research data.’ Locker’s eyes went wide as his implants notified him that the device bore the digital seal of Her Immortal Majesty’s armed forces. He hurriedly instructed his assistants to scan the drive and send the information contained therein to the personal monitor built into the judge’s podium. The man stared at the file he was presented with in utter disbelief, even going so far as to rub his eyes as if to make sure he was seeing things right.

“Young lady,” he looked back to her, still aghast. “Why did you not tell us you were a diplomat sooner?”

The color drained from the McLarsons’ faces as they grasped where this was going. Maggie’s British citizenship came with a diplomatic status that afforded her certain benefits, including protection from any and all civil lawsuits. She could still be taken to criminal court if she were to commit a felony, but this copyright issue was a trifling matter that could have instantly been thrown out of the proverbial window. She didn’t have to fly to another solar system for a face-to-face with the studio’s legal representatives, nor did the case need to reach an actual courtroom. If she had just sent that military-signed thumb drive via courier from the start, then McLarson’s McLawyers would have been McBuggered.

The judge, lawyers, assistants, and everyone else in the room who understood the situation were therefore left wondering the same thing - why hadn’t she done that?

“Because that would be no fun,” she merrily declared.

Locker quietly pondered those words for a few seconds before cracking a smile.

“Well, then. I suppose that settles that, doesn’t it?” he shrugged in an exaggerated manner. “The court hereby recognizes the diplomatic status of the defendant and drops all charges against her. Bubble Spotlight Studios are hereby ordered to refrain from issuing any more cease and desist notices against Mags Oh until such time that her diplomatic status is revoked. Case dismissed!”

He made three loud bangs with his gavel, officially declaring the trial over.

“And for the record,” he turned to Maggie once more, “thanks for today. It was fun.”

It was yet another sentiment nearly everyone present could agree with. Trials were few and far between, and none in recent memory had proven themselves as entertaining or exciting as this one. There were all kinds of witnesses, various evidence, heated arguments, an extravagant expert, and even a twist comeback right at the end. Maggie’s desire to personally experience the inner workings of the 3BE’s judicial system had inadvertently led to giving all those people a show they’d scarcely forget. This, in turn, made her strangely happy. She discovered it felt good to give others joy, even though they were a bunch of strangers she couldn’t care less about.

The only one who wasn’t into the good vibes going around was Joe. He tried not to let it show so as to not ruin the mood for everyone else, but he was actually even more pissed off than Amy and Ike. Though he didn’t have all the details, he grasped the gist of what had transpired. Namely, that Maggie could have handled this trouble with ease, but instead chose to try handling it the hard way just to see what would happen. That was fine. Such impractical curiosity was completely understandable and entirely expected of her. She had done similar things before and Joe had gotten swept up in her shenanigans more often than not. This trend would likely continue in future, too. He didn’t mind this habit of hers since he trusted her to keep them both safe, not to mention that seeing Maggie happy made it all worth it in the end.

However, where Joe drew the line was having to put on a suit for no bloody reason.

He really didn’t like suits.

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