Chapter 12: 14. Sent Away

Pak

(Grandmother’s House)

 

I am a child, huddled in my room, staring at the floor. In the darkness, I see patterns in the wood grain, animals I’ve dreamed of, my stuffed dog, scampering away, faces…

I’m still bruised from Grandmother’s beating. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have been snooping. I still don’t understand what happened, or where the weapon went. Every time I think of it, I hear that awful heartbeat. Every time I think of it, I feel a little sick. So, I look for patterns in the wood. Anything to keep my mind away.

 

The door bursts open, slamming into the wall with a loud CRACK. I jump, my heart flooded with fear, and the light disperses the patterns, stinging my eyes. Grandmother tosses a sack into the room. It lands with a muted thump.

“Get dressed,” she croaks and disappears, leaving the door slightly ajar.

I creep towards the foreign lump and fumble with the cord tying it shut. Inside I find a full set of stiff, clean clothes. My heart hammers each nerve in my body. I peel off my old rags, and a thick cloud of stench fills the air, burning my nose. I struggle to dress myself. The black pants expose my ankles, the white shirt chokes my wrists, and I don’t understand how to undo the buttons. The socks hug my feet too tightly. My skin crawls beneath the scratchy starched fabric. I stand and await Grandmother’s return. Time passes. My legs ache.

Finally, I hear noise outside the door, two hushed voices. One belongs to Grandmother. The other, I don’t recognize.

“…or so help me god, I will bury you. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, my Lady…”

The door drifts open with a soft creee. Grandmother leers at me, her hands folded in front, her lips pushing her cheeks into her dull, lifeless eyes. A little bird brooch pinned to her chest flashes in the hall light. A pink elf droops behind her. I’ve never seen anyone besides Grandmother, except the elves in the paintings upstairs. I didn’t know people came in colors other than white, like her, or gray, like me. The stranger’s hair is tied at the nape of their neck, the same shade of white as my own, and a small pair of shoes dangles from their fingers. I quiver and stare, though they don’t seem malicious. They just seem tired, eyes ringed in purple and glued to the wood grain.

“It’s time to go to school, my dear,” Grandmother sings, her temples pulsing in the light. I don’t move… I don’t understand.

“Pak,” she hisses, “it’s time to go.”

Blood rushes in my ears. I can’t move. I still don’t understand…

She grunts, pounces, grabs my wrist tight, tugs me into the hall and drops me. Pain shoots from my shoulder to my palm, hot, quick. I squeak and stumble into the pink elf, who flinches and drops the shoes. I scramble away, press myself into the wall, and try to disappear…

“I’m done,” Grandmother spits. “Get him out of my sight.”

She gives me one last grimace and stomps away, leaving me alone with the stranger. They clear their throat and pick up the shoes, sidestepping closer to me. I watch, wide-eyed and frozen. A tear falls down my cheek and soaks into the sleeve of my new shirt.

“Shoes,” they say, pointing at my feet before setting them in front of me.

I hesitate, but quietly step into them. They swallow my feet, leaving huge gaps between the leather and my tight socks. The pink elf motions for me to follow. I teeter along, slipping, stumbling, my toes constantly bumping the front of the shoes.

The stranger leads me to a door with a golden handle. It pops open, and they prop their whole body against it, awaiting my approach.Wind claws at the formless black air on the other side. I creep closer. Beyond the threshold, I glimpse the terrible open world for the first time: Black metal sticks hem in the cold ground. Wooden towers sway and groan on the horizon. Balls of fire light the distance in fragments. Shadows cover the sky…

I whine, cower, trip and fall backwards. Pain sings up and down my arm. I hold in a shriek and cover my head. My shirt stitches zzzzip in my ear. I want to run back to my room and hide in my corner, but I can’t. I want to scream and beat my head on the wall, but I can’t. I have to stay quiet. I have to stay quiet. I whimper, silently begging, praying, please let me disappear. I am a child without words, but my body still speaks…

 

What did I do…?

Say it.

 

My mind begs and flails, rippling with terror.

 

Please help me – please help me – please—

Stop. Crying.

 

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I flinch at Grandmother’s voice in my head and try to shrink away, to disappear into the void, but my mind keeps flailing. My breathing won’t slow.

 

I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I’m sorry—

 

Darkness freezes my fingers, fills my skull with bone-cracking pressure.

 

I hate this – I hate this – I hate this—

I don’t want to go! I don’t want to go!

 

The ghost inside my body wails—

 

WHAT DID I DO?

 

But her voice hisses back…

You know what you did.

 

I bite my lip until it bleeds, drips, and leaves a drop on the hideous carpet. I don’t know how long it takes, but eventually, my mind settles down. I breathe. My escort refuses to watch. The numb ghost takes over my movement. I keep my head low, skulk to the door, and cross the threshold. It closes behind me.

Outside, the wind lashes my face, flinging dust in my eyes. The pink stranger scuttles ahead. I follow the foggy image of their shoes. My feet hurt. The stone path bobs and weaves. They lead me up a step, into a dark room. It clicks and sways, takes me away. I don’t know what time passes. My memory blinks in and out. We stop before another door that creaks like all the others. A woman emerges from the other side, her skin still bright white in the low light. The pink stranger passes me off to her.

 

How old is he?

I don’t know.

 

I teeter in place. My hand tingles…

 

What do you mean, you don’t know?

She said she cut his hair…

 

The woman grips the back of my neck. I jump, shoulders shrinking inward. Her fingers pinch my skin as she pushes me ahead of her, forcing me to walk. My heart pounds. Shoes click on sanded stone. She puts me in a room with a window, two beds and a table, and shuts the door behind her. I lay on the floor, aching. A tiny shadow zips into the hole in the corner. Mice skitter inside the wall. I’m so tired…

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