Kano suggests we sneak out through the crack in the east wall tonight. When he asks, my heart trips and my skin prickles and I have to clear my throat to breathe again. My reply sounds reluctant, but that’s just how it sounds. I don’t know how to make myself sound different.
We wait until curfew extinguishes the lights and silence falls over the grounds. I tug open the window. Cabbage coos and swoops ahead, truly majestic when he stretches his wings. Kano drops to the ground with a soft thud. I follow, dense by comparison. Cabbage knows to call if he spots a teacher or a guard, but tonight, we move through the grounds unfettered and slip through the wall like mice.
He leads me to his favorite spot: the park with the algae-filled pond, long abandoned and overgrown. It’s quiet. No-one will bother us. I sit on the cold iron garden bench, my shoes sinking in the damp grass, and Kano sits beside me. His foot bounces ceaselessly, vibrating our shared space. I rest my elbows on my knees, losing my gaze in the green water.
He sneaks the tobacco-wrapped wand from his pocket and snaps his fingers, setting it alight. It sizzles as he breathes it in, then breathes out a billowing cloud.
“Ooh!” He coughs and giggles, spitting smoke from his nose and his lips. “You need to try this, Pak. I swear, it tastes just like apples.”
“What is it?” I ask, wrinkling my nose at the smell, far more reminiscent of burnt hair than fruit of any sort.
“The Weatherman called it Windy Day. Just trust me. I promise you’ll like it.” He nudges me with his shoulder. A shiver creeps out from where our bodies meet, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. I take it from him. It seems, more and more, I’m losing my will to say no.
“Yesssss,” he whispers, relaxing into the bench. I bring it to my lips, its end still damp from his, and fill my lungs with its warm smoke.
“I feel like jelly,” he says, leaning in, closer than he was. I blow a ribbon into the air, and it chases his cloud to the moon.
“Tastes like apples, right?” His head lolls to the side. I snort.
“It doesn’t taste like apples at all…”
The pond’s edge crisps and brightens and wobbles, and my body ripples, liquefies. It is a bit jelly-like, after all. Cabbage’s wings break the air above, and he lands gracefully at my feet, satisfied with his nightly flight.
“Oh, god…” Kano topples over, landing on my thigh.
“Are you okay?” I say, twitching my leg away. He shoots upright, as if hitting the ground after falling in a dream.
“I… am… delightful.”
He giggles. I pass it back to him. Cabbage hops into my lap, purring, his vibration intensifying mine. I lean back, and my neck pops as it surrenders to gravity. I keep my eyes open, receiving the starlight, water for my thirsty mind.
“What do you want to do once we’re out of here?” Kano asks. “Out of school, I mean, not – not here…”
“I don’t know. Survive, I guess.”
“You’ve got to give me more than that,” he says, swaying.
“Fine…” I sigh, shutting my eyes. “I want to raise up a mouse army and take over Iridan.”
Kano laughs. “Is that why Cabbage hasn’t killed the General?” he says, referring to the brave little mouse that keeps coming into our room during the day.
I shake my head. “Pretty sure that’s because you named it,” I say. “Doesn’t seem right to kill something with a name, does it, Cabbage?”
“Proooh.”
We share a chuckle. The smoke snakes like incense, and I catch the faintest note of apple hiding in the acrid air.
“What about you?” I ask, glimpsing the vague outline of his form mirroring mine. His chest swells and deflates, releasing a tiny hum.
“Music,” he says. “I want to just, you know… just play on the street. Guess I should learn an instrument first, though, huh?”
“Might be a good place to start.”
He takes another drag. “Mom said they were too expensive,” he says, exhaling. “Which… they are. Expensive, I mean. So that’s why I never learned.”
“What kind of instrument do you want?” I ask, scratching Cabbage’s neck.
“Something with strings,” Kano says with a glossy, wistful gaze. “Something I can play and sing at the same time…”
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“I can get one for you,” I say. “I know where the music shop is.”
“With what money?” he scoffs, folding his arms. I raise my hand and wiggle my fingers. “You can’t be serious,” he says, though I detect some guarded hope, a nearly imperceptible upswing.
“No promises.” I rest my palm on Cabbage’s back. He twitches. A long, peaceful silence passes. I turn over the layout of the market in my mind, considering the routes I could take…
“Pak,” Kano starts. I feel his gaze prodding my skin, in the space where my neck meets my jaw.
“Hm?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“I guess,” I say, heavy, like the words want to crawl back into my mouth.
“Okay…” He inhales deeply. It’s getting hot…
“Have you ever met someone… and it feels like you’ve met them before, even though you know you haven’t?”
I blink, narrowing my eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean… Have you ever talked to someone for the first time, and it’s like talking to them… again?” His foot bounces quicker, rattling the bench.
“Like déjà vu?”
“Sort of…” He sighs. “Just imagine it’s like… Like looking in a mirror. But it’s not your reflection in the mirror, but, it is, you know? And it makes you feel really close, but you’re not sure why…” He stutters a little. “D-does that make sense?”
“Uh…” I lean forward. Cabbage grunts. “I don’t know. I don’t really talk to a whole lot of people, believe it or not.”
Kano gives a breathy chuckle. I look away. My head feels warm already, and looking at him makes it… warmer.
“Yeah, but…”
“But?”
“I mean, it’s not like you’ve never talked to anyone…”
His voice trails off again. I feel a pang of anxiety from somewhere outside of me, soaking my skin, stuttering my heart. I don’t understand.
“Obviously.” The hairs on my arms prickle. “Why do you ask, anyway?”
He’s looking at the stars now, silent. Something presses into my chest, heavy, like sleep, but my mind is wide awake. There’s more to this, I can sense it. I just don’t understand. Kano hums and takes a deep breath. I know the rise and fall of his chest, the sound of him struggling with sleep.
“Nevermind…”
A frosty coat forms around me. I want to press him, but… it’s not my place. My leg twitches. Cabbage gives me a dirty look.
“We should go back,” I finally say. “You look like you’re about to fall asleep.”
“Maybe I am,” he mumbles, then wrestles himself upright. His hair veils his face.
“Down, Cabbage,” I command. Cabbage stays put, giving me a look that says I dare you. I sigh and lift him up, plopping him gently on the ground.
“Mrrooh…”
Kano twists to offer me one more puff. I shake my head and wave it away, glimpsing his eyes through his curtain of red hair. The moonlight reflects off of the pond, catches them in just the right way, illuminating what looks like… surface tension?
He looks away, sniffs, and stashes the herb in his pocket.
We make our way back, a little clumsier than we came. My mind spins relentlessly. I should have pressed him, but it’s too late now. The moment is gone. It wasn’t meant to be. I’m not meant to know.
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