The dinner bell tolls. My stomach groans to life.
Every day at dinnertime, I meet Kano in the dining hall, next to the big metal trash bin. I found him stuffed in there once, and it’s been our meeting place ever since. We always eat in our room, where it’s quiet, and nobody gossips about us.
So, I shoot down the corridor, parting students like reeds in the wind.
The dining hall buzzes. People stick together, knots and tangles of friendship, not a single soul standing alone. I wait by the bin, eyes fixed firmly on my shoes. The noise, the movement, the smell of salt, meat, jam, honey, peppers, beans, bread, fruit, fish, garbage, all at once – it’s nauseating. I hate it here. But he should be here soon.
So, I wait.
I pinch my sleeves, pick my skin, swaying gently left to right. I keep my gaze low, because all the movement hurts my eyes. My stomach bays with hunger. I check to make sure it’s the right trash bin, that they haven’t moved it or changed it. It still has that stain near the handle, three oblong splotches in a perfect splattering pattern, shiny and sticky, like it could easily wash away. Of course it’s the right one. I shake my head and wait some more…
But time itself tugs a string in my chest, telling me something is wrong.
He’s late. Even when he’s late, he’s never this late. Maybe his class got held up, or maybe something happened. Maybe someone cornered him, or locked him in a closet, or stuffed him in a different trash bin, or…
I shake my head. He’s probably fine. I’ll get my food and eat in our room, and if he doesn’t show up by the time I’m done, I’ll go look for him—
A yellow-red smudge in the corner catches my eye.
At the opposite end of the hall, I see him sitting next to someone else. A pink elf, someone I don’t know. They’re side by side on one of those horrible wooden dining benches. Talking. His cheeks dimple in a laugh.
Have you ever met someone…
And it feels like you’ve met them before, even though you know you haven’t?
His hair falls and covers his eyes. Blood rushes to my face, leaving my chest empty.
Just imagine it’s like… Like looking in a mirror.
But it’s not your reflection in the mirror, but, it is, you know?
The pink elf grins and pushes his shoulder. He bobs away… He leans back in.
And it makes you feel really close, but you’re not sure why…
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BA-DUM BA—
“No,” I mutter, clenching my fist to halt the tingling in my palm. The heartbeat fades, but the splintered red target blinks in my mind, visions of hitting the bullseye—
thump thump thump
“Stop,” I hiss, shutting my eyes to will the image away. People near me pause before continuing on. It’s fine. I’m happy for him. He deserves to have friends—
Just friends?
I whip around to face the source of the sinister voice on my right, and I lock eyes with someone who… spooks and scurries away. They weren’t talking to me at all. Who was that…?
I glance back to the corner. The pink elf is gone, and Kano is just looking at the table, twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the other one to come back, probably. I’m trembling. Why? This is stupid. It doesn’t matter. I’m happy for him. It’s not as if I could expect to be his only friend, forever. That’s ridiculous. He deserves to have people in his life. Normal people, people who can make him happy…
It’s fine.
Stop. Crying.
“Shut UP!”
Silence blooms around me, and the students nearby back away. My face burns. I decide I’m not hungry, after all.
I zip down the hall, shut myself in my room, and bury my face in my pillow. When Kano returns, I pretend to be asleep, ignoring him when he says my name. I listen to him shuffle and sigh, slide open the window and smoke.
Throughout the night, my heartbeat doesn’t slow. I feel the voices hovering just outside of my perception, prowling, ready to pounce on my thoughts. I keep my head empty, my body tense, prepared to intercept, as if I could dispel a voice by stabbing it.
I don’t sleep. I can’t.
It’s not safe.
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