Chapter 35: 41. Bullseye

Pak

(After the Incident)

 

Target practice. Release, return. Pip, pip.

Kano watches from his bed, but not really. If he was, he wouldn’t have that face on, where his eyebrows furrow, and his eyes lose focus, and he chews on his pursed lips with his cheek on his fist. He looks as if he’s just woken up from a nightmare.

“So…”

I sigh. Every time he bugs me with a question, he starts by saying ‘so…’.

I return the knife to my hand. Pip.

“Someone told me…”

Thump. The weapon sticks in the wall and stays. Our eyes meet briefly before I flick back to the target, and he looks back to the window. He’s quiet, tense… Afraid. From the windowsill, Cabbage trills and watches me with owlish eyes.

“Someone told you what?”

I bite my tongue. Kano hums a tiny, nervous hum. He knows he’s poking at something raw, whatever it is.

“It’s nothing, just…”

He sighs, his eyes squeezed shut, stamping deep wrinkles in his brow. I feel my heart in my throat, like I always do when he says so…

“Say it.”

 

badum badum badum badum

 

No. No, this is different, worse than normal. Something is very wrong. I shouldn’t hear the heartbeat now, not when I have the weapon under control…

Focus on the knife. Keep it in the wall. Breathe.

He inhales sharply.

“They said you killed your mum and wrote a poem about it or something.”

The words tumble out like rocks in a landslide. One by one, they wallop my chest, cracking my ribs, stealing my breath. He exhales slowly.

 

Guess who…

 

I jump and glance to my left, towards where the voice came, but it’s just Cabbage, perched on the windowsill. Just Cabbage’s coo…

“Do you believe them?”

I close my eyes. He hesitates to answer, and when he does, his tongue tiptoes around me.

“If you did… I don’t think it was on purpose.”

A downpour pummels my head, filling the deep well in my stomach. Outside, thunder shakes the evening sky. Cabbage growls from deep in his throat, his feathers and fur standing on end.

“Sorry…” Kano mumbles and drops his head. His blood red hair covers his face, like a heavy curtain.

 

Cut it down.

 

badum badum badum badum badum

 

Pip.

The weapon disappears from the wall. I flinch.

Pip.

Go away, I command. It flees my hand, into its dimension. I mop up my eyes with my sleeve while he’s looking away, feigning as though I’m just resting my forehead on my palm. My nose leaks, but I refuse to sniff, knowing the sound would reveal my tears.

An image intrudes on my mind.

 

A woman lies in her bed.

Sweating. Screaming. Crying.

Her face is a featureless blur.

(Please go away…)

Blood gushes onto the sheets.

 

“Go where?” Kano says, snapping me out of my trance.

Wait… I didn’t say that out loud. There’s no way. Is he reading my mind?

“What—?”

“It’s late,” he grumbles, obscuring his body with the covers.

“I wasn’t…”

No, I can’t say that – ‘I wasn’t talking to you’ – That sounds crazy…

Something churns inside me, like magma in my core, lurking beneath the water in the well. I hear a high pitched whine, a screaming kettle.

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“Just say it.”

“What are you—?”

“You think I’m a murderer.”

I grip my head, throbbing with pain.

 

I hate this…

 

“Sh-shut up…”

“Pak—”

“I saw the way you were looking at it!”

I hear myself only after I speak, an echo outside of my body.

“I left it in the wall on purpose so you’d know I wasn’t holding it. You’re t-terrified of me, aren’t you?”

“Pak, please—”

“You think I’m going to start s-stabbing people for no reason…”

My vision skitters. My eyes fight to keep away from his face.

“You always look like you’re ready to run away—”

I choke on my own spit. My nails dig deep into my scalp.

“It’s not like that—”

“BULLSHIT!”

Cabbage bolts out the window with a small, choked shriek. The dark space behind my eyes pulses red.

“The only difference between y-you, and every other shitty person out there—”

 

I want to go back…

 

“Is that you don’t have any f-friends either—”

 

I can’t breathe—

 

“And you’re so desperate, you shacked up with me, and y-you think I’m a murderer!”

 

Release…

 

“Because that’s how lonely you are! You’re pathetic! It’s no wonder your dad left you!”

 

Thump.

Bullseye.

 

I squeeze my eyes shut. The screeching slowly dwindles. The water settles. My body cools with every second that passes. The lump in my throat sits heavy. I want to disappear…

My eyes flutter open, seeking him out.

I see pale yellow skin, and his wide, shiny, unblinking eyes...

 

Say it!

 

I jump, whimpering, and look to my right, but there’s nobody there. I look back to the bed, to his motionless form…

Did I…?

 

SAY IT!

No…

 

Did I… kill…?

His eyelids flicker, and from them falls a plump tear. He glances away, releases a shuddering breath. No… I’ve hurt him badly. But the wound is inside, somewhere behind his eyes, somewhere I can’t see.

I shoot to my feet. He flinches and shrinks away. I can’t tolerate his presence any longer. His existence scrapes against mine.

I fling the door open. It rattles the wall. It doesn’t matter where I go. I disappear down the hall.

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